Blong Hired

Longtime celery circus trainer and recent inductee into the Wichita State University Hall of Fame, Wade Blong, was hired as the Jerk's new Paul Apologist Wednesday morning. Blong, who ate a bar stool to try and get into the army but was unsuccessful (June, 1983), will be apologizing for all mistakes made by Pauls on staff.

Blong immediately got to work, apologizing for staff chef Paul Pinkly's undercooked chicken piccata, work not yet completed on Paul Road in downtown Clubb, and for the Paul Brewster's behavior on his date with Marianne Larsen (December 20, 2012).

Blong's apologizing schedule for the rest of 2012 is as follows:

December 28: long line at Paul National Bank
December 29: sold out matinee at the off-Ernieway play, Too Many Pauls
December 31: Paul Yannavitz throwing up on your shoes at new years eve party

Full list of guys named Herman released

Herman Corcoran
Herman Izzits-Straus
The Herman
Little Herman Verstonavitz
Herman "Herm" Kadelski
Herman Eddiger
Herman Wick
Her Meen-Shu
Herman Herman Lyleson
Herman Huck
Herman!
Chubby Herm Petersen
Herman Minkoff Jr.
Captain Herman Gelznick
Herman Berman
Surfin' Herman Todd
Herman Kerrman
Dr. Herman
Herman Wick III.
Paul Harris
Herman Sherman
Bobba Ku Herman
Herman Torkelson
Mrs. Herman
Herman, Herman and Hermanovitz law offices
Herman Hicks
Colonel Herman Zimmerman
Zoomin' Herman
Herman Jasper-Crugg
Sweating Herman
Herman Petrovic
Herman Lemmit

Tuesday Afternoon Mule Assassination Report

As has become standard operating protocol here at The Jerk, field reporter Oslo Quimm has breaking news that Pauly "Mule-Man" Picklesoda has struck again. Lil' Yarborough the Mule, best known in these parts for his groundbreaking role in "Once a Mule, Always a Donkey" (May, 1947) was found deceased and partially eaten on the corner of Main and 4th.

Prime Suspect Pauly Picklesoda

Picklesoda, who once infamously ran for Mayor of Salt Lake City but instead was incarcerated on Possession of Walrus Genitals with Intent to Distribute, was last seen at the BP station in Conyers, GA purchasing a burrito and a Red Bull energy drink. He is believed to be armed with a bow and arrow and is considered extremely dangerous. He travels with his pet mule, Travis.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Pauly the Mule-Man, please contact HJPD immediately.

- Hogpenis Watson

Bly family list released

The Blys

Horace Bly
Lawrence Bly
Foot Bly
Warren Bly
Hishagesh-Melvosi Bly
Blue Bly
Herman Bly
Bobby Bagooba-Bly
Billy Babooga-Bly
Gregory Bly
Bliegh Bly
Donkey Bly
Geraldine Bly
Ernest Bly
K-eondre Bly
Haboote Bly
Dominic Bly
Murray "Chipped Tooth" Bly
Heckashecka Bly
Cabbage Bly
Shui Kwan Bly
Eleanor Bly
Lance Bly
Ernest Bly Jr.
Quinathony Bly
P'Q'Weishon Bly
Gramps Bly
Patty Bly
The Bly
Sherman & Orel Bly
Good Old Ralphie Bly
Juan Bly
Jimmy "Earwax" Bly
Adondae Bly
Captain Vince Bly
Hillary Bly & plum
Lemmet Bly
Blanche Bly
Too-Too Bly
Yan Bly
Xavierzeron Bly
Dikembe Mutumbo-Bly


Source: Bly Family Historical Society & Cafeteria

DDAC announces tour schedule, release of new album

Darren Durly Appreciation Society, "the most influential band since Hee-Hee Hoo-Hoo" (Capolo Times), has announced the release date for their new album as well as a Spring, 2013 tour schedule.

The band-P'Q'Weishon Bly (lead vocals and rhythm guitar), Ipp Cooper (electric baseball glove) and Pete Pig (corn on the cob)-will release their 11th studio album Skipping Out On (A Buffet Bill).

DDAC will embark on a 20-show tour beginning in late-February, 2013. A portion of the tour proceeds will benefit T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes).


2013 Tour Schedule

February 26 - Plastic Fork Culinary School
March 3 - Kennington Prison
March 4 - Rainbow Fairgrounds
March 7 - Fat Neck Glenn Memorial Amphitheater
March 9 - Misshapen Cracker Warehouse
March 10-11 - Mashed Potato Fest @ Ploop Fairgrounds
March 13 - Quinkley Asylum
March 15 - Hey Jerk Amphitheater
March 16 - Armadillo Fair @ Carpet Sample Park

2013 College Tour

April 1 - Crugg Hall (Crugg College)
April 4 - Shonsen Pepano Memorial Auditorium (Appaplondis University)
April 6 - Mud Pit 7 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 8 - The Worm Palace (Feathers College & Tackle Shop)
April 9 - Haboote Hall (Shershon University)
April 11 - Mud Pit 9 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 13 - Student Lounge East (Klauzenrodner University)

Regular tour concludes

April 17 - Otis Peakaboo Theater
April 18 - Ploop Fairgrounds
April 22 - Eddie Shermer Hall

* The April 22 tour finale will be played in Darren Durly's hometown of Earwax Valley. *

HJ Exterminators "Open For Business"

The Hey Jerk Exterminators, created by the masses, for the masses, have officially been opened for business. Lead by former Horace Chet Winkle, the Exterminators will take care of anything or anyone you may need exterminated. Chet "The Claw" Winkle once knew a man named Harold, and lets just say Harold is no longer of this Earth.

Winkle

Winkle will lead the Extermination Crew, joined by Hector Valdez and Fwui Wwompa (mule).

Rates:

Barry(s): $10/per, $50 for 3
Larry(s): N/A
Harry(s): $1010/per, $14 large for 23
Harold(s): $.14
Oscar Rainbow: included with purchase

For other rates, please contact willliam.petunia@gmail.com.

- Staff fart Viktor Sheng

Captain Bo Shmenga, and his Shmenga Tech AirWhales, Issue Challenge

Bofonga (Bo) Dondaldafalus Shmenga, coach of the world renowned Shmenga Tech (ST) AirWhales basketball squadron, has issued a challenged to HJ University Coach Lee Woogums.

Shmenga

"I hereby challenge Coach Woogums and his Hey Jerk Elephantmen basketball squad to a matchup for the millenium. Winning squadron takes remains of losing squadron as prize."

Shmenga, while best known for his unorthodox coaching practices (eliminates starting center at beginning of opening game each season, offers up as sacrifices to Lord Hippo, as well as flinging fecal at point guards), is also a widely respected humanitarian who once ate a rhinoceros whole in his efforts to eliminate walrus matriculation.

Coach Woogums responded "in the positive," and offered up his lineup in return to the challenge.

Elephantmen 2012

PG - Lil'Stinky P'Poo
SG - L'Kork Asheermon
SF - Bengal Bly (eaten)
PF - Rory Pockovitz
C - N/A

Bench - La Skippia Montagna-Riso, Pat Zyn Jr., Rectum Charles, Fafaa Foofahfahfeefahfoofahfeefah'o'e'o III

Date, time and location will be released in a subsequent post. Please stay tuned. 

- Hector Ballvich-Wagawoo

Hey Jerk's 3rd Anniversary Party

Hey Jerk turns 3 - November 24, 2012

Best of the last year

The best of the last 365 days at the Jerk, as voted on by an esteemed panel of judges:

* President Haboote Klonger

* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly

* That guy over there


12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins 
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released

Haboote Vongavich report released

"Haboote Vongavich is a well-liked man."

- Anonymous

"Haboote will bring us into the new millennium the same way his father did: wearing a pastrami helmet and carrying Merle Feinstein's left leg."

- Anonymous

"Vongavich? Kid can grab a defensive rebound, I'll tell you that much. Without him, we don't beat P'Q'W'Shon Prep and take home the Carpet Sample Book in '87."

- "Coach" Hubert Barfield

"Vongavich is a hated individual."

- Capolo Henderson

"Over a 17-day span in the early-1990s, Haboote Vongavich was eaten by a small group of squirrels."

- Squirrel historian Natalie Kellog

"I haven't had any luck reaching him, so maybe your site can help me. This is a direct message to Haboote Vongavich: I need my left leg back."

- Merle Feinstein

"I told you a number of times to get off of my roof. I do not want to be interviewed."

- Rhonda Bly

Garf Fee Elected President of the United States

Garfofomous Fee-Puehler, former Staff Antelope, has been elected President of the United States.

Fee

Fee will become the first non-US citizen to man The Oval Office, as he is an Israeli national. Also, Fee is half Camaro.

Fee has stated that his first order of business in office will be to eliminate any "people named Warren" or anyone "associated with a person named Warren" or "humans."

-Staff Walnut Albert Alberts

UPDATE: Fee has been assassinated by a yet to be identified mule. The Fee adminstration is over. Move on with your life.

Rare photo of Zeeble found

Hey Jerk has obtained a rare photograph of Ewing Zeeble, believed to have been taken earlier this morning. Zeeble was eaten by a giraffe at 12:20 p.m. ZST.

The photograph is on sale at the Jerk's gift shop for $7,000 Uruguagian.

Aunt Estelle On Probation

10:14 p.m. HSST - Hey Jerk editor Aunt Estelle has been put on a three-month probation.

Estelle, who hasn't posted since her three-part series on the toothbrush overdose crisis at Crugg College in September, 2011, will be forced to eat a bucket of sawdust per week until her probation is lifted.

"To say we are disappointed would be an understatement," said Hey Jerk president P'Qwe'Shon Bly. "Hermanly, we're disappappointed."

Haboote Shershon, fresh off winning his sixth consecutive eyebrow-eating contest, will take over editing duties on an interim basis and will also have access to Estelle's 34th-floor scrambled egg dunk tank.

"Let the eggs begin!" yelled Shershon, while falling down a mayonnaise hill.

Ploop email correspondence leaked

[November 10, 2012]

Ernie Ploop  ernieploop@gmail.com

 Good afternoon,

 I am fairly new to this country, do you come out to my house, or do I have to bring part of my roof to your office? In my old country, we always brought the roofs with us.

Whichever way is fine with me, as long as I don't have to also give you any of my socks.


Look forward to hearing from you,
Ernie

Terri Fascilla  terri@drroof.com

Ernie,

We will come to you and take a look at your roof. However, you can keep your socks.

I look forward to hearing from you again!

Sincerely,

Terri

Wheatley Passes On

Hey Jerk officials have learned former staff correspondent and eyebrow model Chon Wheatley has passed away. According to an eye-witness account from editor Capolo Henderson's racquetball teammate, Darren Durly Jr., Wheatley was in his elephant costume, wandering around on the highway when he burst into flames, melted and ran into a nearby drain.

Wheatley's checkered past, which includes a May, 2009 arrest for impersonating a bag of peanuts, didn't factor into the Jerk's decision to hire him as a staff correspondent Saturday.

In his short time on staff he penned several articles, most-notably the Haboote Shershon obituary that single-handedly won Belgium the silver medal in the 1,600-meter dash.

Wheatley (photo taken February 17)

A funeral for Wheatley was planned for Sunday at 4:00 p.m., but quickly cancelled due to the availability of pigeon ushers.

Eugene "Hookah" Gonk Hired

Eugene Gonk, aka "Hookah" because of his love for everything jungle-related, has been hired on as new Staff Softball Manager.

Gonk

Gonk Bio

Name: Eugene Salvester Gonkinstein IV
DOB: 1-1-1944
Height: N/A
Weight: 4
Pants: yes
Partner: Eugene Fonk, MD
History: 2nd pick overall, 1945 MLB Draft, Cleveland Indians. Eaten by rabid mule, August, 1946. Re-animated September, 1955. Drafted 14th overall, 1955 MLB Draft, Cleveland Indians. Eaten by rhinoceros, November, 1956. Killed January, 1977. Elected President of the United States - 1990. Hobo - 1994-present




Gonk brings several years of coaching experience to the staff, with short stints as Alpharetta Meatballer's Co-Ed D manager and hot dog vendor - Ann Arbor, Michigan. He is faced with a roster that was ravaged by deaths last year, leaving only 3 players available:

P - Patt Zin
C- Kork Ashirminn
C - Skip Miso

The rest of the team was unfortunately either murdered, eaten, or transferred to our Australian affiliate.

Look for several roster announcements to be made in the coming days. The Hey Jerk Hyphenated Ballslingers are a proud franchise, and will accept nothing less than mediocrity.

- Beat Writer Chon Wheatley

Shershon headed to college

Sad news out of Bly Valley as former Miami Dolphins wide receiver Haboote Shershon has decided to matriculate.

According to a mailbox with knowledge of the situation, Shershon has received brochures from the following colleges and universities: Capolo Tech, Feathers College & Tackle Shop, Crugg College, P'Qwe'Shon Institute, Crugg College Online (coming fall, 2015) and Shershon University.

In reviewing page 17 of Shershon's Thoughts Journal (Ernie Ploop Public Information Act of 1977), his college choice will be based on the institution's proximity to a talking hippopotamus.

Beafort Festerfly Jr. Takes Over

The reign of Glenn is over (again).

Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn, citing economical and bowel moving strains, has resigned as Staff President, effective immediately. In naming a successor, he said he could not have chosen a better fit than Beafort "Beau" Festerfly Jr.

Festerfly

Festerfly's first announcement was to name Fat Neck Glenn as his Chief of Staff.

"Rodney has done wonders for The Jerk, taking it from the slums of Idaho to the top of Mount Rushmore. Under his reign, The Jerk became and international superpower and quite possibly the strongest military force on the planet. It is an honor to follow in his Glenn steps and to name him my Chief of Staff."

Under Festerfly, it is expected that The United States of Jerk (USJ) will attempt to become more fiscally responsible, cutting out all unnecessary expenses such as ritual mule killings and poop-for-hire classified ads.

Festerfly also immediately assassinated longtime editor Oscar Rainbow, marking the end of his terror-filled reign.

Rainbow (DEAD)

Rainbow is still expected to correspondent on a regular basis.

All Hair President Festerfly!

- Beau Festerfly Jr.

Thats All For Edwin Mo

Edwin Mo, former wrestler for Alamoth Elementary, has died. He was a hero amongst cattle herders in Antarctica.

Mo Passed.

- Wally

Henderson's original look identified

Over the past 30+ years Hey Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has had several facelifts, common knowledge for the millions of people that frequent the site on a Larry basis. But the Jerk has obtained a photo of Henderson's original face before he had his first operation in 1979.

Any questions or concerns, please contact Edward Shermer at eddieshermer23@gmail.com

Woo Announces Candidacy

Warren Woo (H-Zipp County) has announced his candidacy for office for the upcoming election. When asked which election he would be running in, Woo jumped in his spaceship and flew to the ceiling.

Woo has held several offices during his four hours as a politician. Two hours ago he was vice president of melting at the Zipp County Ice Cube Museum and a few minutes ago, acting as interim Stander & Pointer, he successfully lobbied to have all of the gravel removed from city streets in his hometown of Capolo Valley.

Woo is planning several initiatives if he is elected in November, including the confiscation of Courtney Gerald's ears, as well as the execution of Hey Jerk Staff Raisin Johnny Bebop.


- Correspondent Marcus Melon

"Larry of the Day"

Dusty Lumonka Found

Longtime Parrot rapist and semi-pro donkeyball player Dusty Lumonka has been located in a small burial ground outside HJ headquarters which was believed to be a prehistoric Larry mass grave.

Lumonka

Lumonka, a former editor at everyonehatesoscarrainbow.blogspot.com, is deceased and in "good spirits." He was invited by President Fat Neck Glenn to participate in the annual HJ Golf Tournament to honor prisoners of war tortured and murdered in the Hey Jerk Dungeons. He was glad to accept.

"I am honored to participate in the golf tourney and expect to perform admirably, at a 12-under pace."

Lumonka, while not hired, will receive an honorary cubicle on te 212th floor next to Staff Rabbit Porker Marvonious Ow.

- Staff Lumonka Eddie Lumonka

Peakaboo Finally On Board

A long, nightmarish era in the Jerk's history has finally come to an end as Otis Peakaboo has been hired as staff Quan.

Peakaboo, who rushed for over 1,000 yards for the Plumptin County Vipers semi-pro football team in 1977 before the following year when the team was disbanded and sold for motor oil and Peakaboo was deported back to Immish, will begin work as soon as Vince Maxwell is dislodged from Peakaboo's navel.

In a related Barry, staff editor Capolo Henderson, a longtime-advocate of Peakaboos and Peakaboo-flavored dish soap, will serve a dual role as staff tissue until all noses have arrived for the 2012 Noseies.

Izzitts Hired

Monty Izzitts, the earlobe king of West Capolo, has been hired as staff Boris.

Izzitts, who won "most realistic apple-man" and "Apple Fella" at the 2010 Fruities, will take over the responsibility of hiring new Bor'eye, and also collecting ear wax for the annual Shoulder Rubbin' 2012 (November 5-7).

Please welcome Mrs. Izzitts with open mashed potato in-ground pools.

Merwood Dorris Born

Longtime consultant and local idiot Derwood Morris has conceived a child, according to Dr. Phillip Xomcheese. While it is not known who the mother is, Morris released the following statement through his publicist, Professor Ernie Ploop.

"I'd like to announce the birth of my first son, Merwood Dorris, to the residents of planet Earth. Merwood was born full grown, and is expected to demand world domination and eventually kill off every living being on this planet. Godspeed."

Merwood Dorris

Mr. Morris said that the reasoning behind changing his sons last name to Dorris is "unknown" but that immediately after releasing the message above, Dorris ran into the woods on all four appendages and lifted his leg on an oak tree, which immediately disintegrated. He has not been seen since, but is believed to be building an underground fortress somewhere in the Idaho area.

Derwood Morris has been placed under authority supervision effective immediately for fear of his death.

More to come.

- Staff Merwood Dorris Man Felipe Fong

Wallace Potgobble: The Movie

Wallace Ignacio Potgobble won over your hearts with his portrayal of Trickles Peckerman in the early 80's biopic "Rectal Flames: World on Fire."

Potgobble (Photo taken inside a mule)

Now, after years of waiting, fans can finally rejoice. Potgobble has come to an agreement in principle with famed director Maury Xomcheese to star in and produce a film based loosely on his life.

"As a young candy corn person in Harlem in the 40's, it was a tough life. The hate, the vengeance that people had for me was appalling. But eventually, through spiritual measures and hippo, I was able to gain acceptance from the masses and become the international superstar that I am today. I stand here blessed by this opportunity to work with Maury on what will most likely be the most successful film of all time, in addition to fecal matters to be discussed at a later date."

Fans can check here at The Jerk for periodic updates on the film, tentatively scheduled to be released in October 2147.

- Staff Potgobble Man Warren Warren

Police report

Capolo Henderson

October 4, 2012: Mr. Henderson was arrested at the scene of a four-alarm Gary explosion under suspicions that the Hey Jerk editor had been impersonating a fire hose.

"Mr. Henderson, who asked us to call him 'Professor Don Wiggins', was seen running around with exaggerated motions and spitting on some of the people who had to evacuate the Gary Building," said Gweg County police chief Vern Pepano. "We took Mr. Henderson into custody and put him in the back of a squad car where he proceeded to somehow remove his cape and goggles and threw up what looked to be a matchbox car onto his chest."

Henderson's previous arrests:

May 17, 2006 - Henderson is arrested for failing to pay pigeon support.

December 2, 1999 -Police found over 1,000 counterfeit autographed ears in Henderson's home. He's arrested and sentenced to mashed potato pool for two years. Upon his release, Henderson marries an ice sculpture of Gwen Bertelli.

May 24, 1994 - Henderson is taken into police custody for failing to remove his possum mask in a government building.

January 6, 1983 - Felony Horace-1.


* Bail is set at 11 egg shells *

Chuckup hired

Jerk officials, in accordance with the Charlie Statute of 1938, have announced the hiring of Charles "Charlie" Chuckup as staff ear hair.

Chuckup had spent the last five years of his life in federal prison for impersonating Capolo Henderson while wearing a walrus costume, a felony in the state of Ohio. But he's promised several men named Harry that he has changed and he's ready to contribute to society.

"I've changed and I'm ready to contribute to society," Chuckup said.

"I just got here, what did I miss?" asked Harry Bly.

Leonard Yoggy was also hired as staff peanut shell, effective December, 1989.

Franz Hooheh: A Retrospective

Franz Garrogalo Hooheh (c. 1777-1912) was a widely respected Odorologist in his hometown of Europe. This post should be considered a tribute to his lasting memory, and odor (he is still smelled in several areas of eastern Europe.)

Hooheh circa 1467

Franz was a man of great integrity. He was once noted for "making with honor" in Berlin in the early 40's. His legacy will be forever ingrained in our history as a great philanthropist, podiatrist. and cardiologist. Hooheh also once successfully mated with a hippo (New York Inquirer - October 1646) and conceived a child, Henry (Died November, 1412).

We would like to welcome Mr. Hooheh onboard as the next Staff Assistant to the Glenn, effective immediately. Please join us for cake,crumpets and poo in staff room 4E.

- Staff Moron Oscar Rainbox

Tuesday cancellations

Adult softball

Team 4 at Jill's Jellybean Co. - postponed (porpoise)
The Experience at Chubbs McGee - moved to 7:00 p.m. (ant wedding)

Ear removal surgeries

Victor Zink - October 1
Capolo Henderson III. - May 7, 2013

Passed

Hehe Hahhah

Excerpt from new book released

Hey Jerk has obtained an excerpt from Capolo Henderson's new autobiography, The Following Is A List Of People I Know:


7. Moop Beverly

Shermer Passes

Aldis Shermer, "the man who ate a potato and bathed in a pool of front lawn in the 70s", has died of potato overdose, according to a Harriet Leonard with knowledge of the situation.

Shermer, who had a Maylow County-record four belly buttons, played for and scored four goals for the Chicago Blackhawks from 1988-1994, then married a piece of grilled salmon in May, 2006, was four months away from retiring as the mayor of IshMish, Maryland.

Funeral services are scheduled for September 22 at 4:00 p.m. Harolds and Danielles will be served.


- Staff correspondent J.J. Jaboo

Letter to Melvin Bly Jr.

Mr. Bly,

My client, William Petunia (of the Norfolk, VA, Petunias) has informed of your recent email correspondence. I regret to inform you and your people that if these "automated responses", or whichever you call them in your country, do not stop we will be forced to take legal action.

As Mr. Petunia has probably informed you, I have been imprisoned for the last 2 1/2 years for crimes committed against one Marvin Piso. Mr. Piso claimed I stole several cartons of cigarettes from him and used the tobacco inside the cigarettes to fuel a rocket to the ceiling. This is, of course, both ridiculous and factual. I found the best lawyer I could find (a life-size poster of myself) to act on my defense. Sadly, during my trial the poster could never find the right words to say and we just sat in silence for weeks.

Excuse me, I need a minute to reevaluate my position (backup right fielder) and my life goals with my goldfish, Deondre.

In the meantime, I await your response,


Robert Feathers, esq

Words Used For a Group of People

- people
- camp
- cronies
- clan
- church
- followers
- society
- Al Winston
- cabinet
- team
- compatriots
- family
- herd
- community
- circle
- congregation
- faction
- alligator feet
- lot
- legion
- posse
- crew
- Gregory Falmoose

Swineface Rainbow Hired

Swineface Rainbow, cousin of Gorilla Rainbow (deceased) and great uncle of Giraffe Rainbow (missing) has been hired on as Staff Pig.

Upon hearing of the hire, Swineface "Shit" Rainbow was thrilled. He promises to "stink up the place" as well as bring an end to all pro-Larry sentiment around HQ.

"We've all gone too soft these days around The Jerk. Larry's have become acceptable, and in some cases, even preferred. We need to get back to our roots, to what got us here - a strict anti-Larry platform with a clean slate for a better America in 2019."

Rainbow brought his pet beluga whale, Simon, along with him for the 18 hour flight to HQ. He will be seated in the 415th floor water closet where he will be confined via steel locking mechanisms and under 24-7 surveillance.

- Staff Rainbow man Oscar Rainbox

Rogarogarog era begins

The Jerk has made an influential hire in bringing on Rog Rogarogarog, a former container of engine coolant who should change the site's Leonard culture.

"He should change the site's Leonard culture," said assistant staff Leonard Leonard Rabbit.

Rogarogarog grew up in a fireplace in Hopatcong, New Jersey and was married to a glass of orange juice from 1993-1997, according to Ned Baker's autobiography Untitled.

Berry Killed

Schlofko Berry, and his unknown accomplice, has been murdered by Shonsen Pepano Sr.

Berry (DEAD)

Berry was wanted for crimes committed in "previous lives" and for cow incest. He will be remembered most for the 1977 hippo fellatio he performed on the mound at Fenway Park in Boston, relieving old Lenny Hippo of his "hippo juice" on national TV.

Services will be held at the Burger King in Conyers, Ga. Kirk Ashirmen will be on the 1's and 2's, and the President will be there to enjoy a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake.

- Staff Berry Man Walt Waltson

Thursday Cancellations

Beach volleyball

Team 4 at Johnny's Beach Volleyballers 3 - postponed (penguin riot)
Ron's Paints & Stuff at House of Gooba-Gooba- moved to 6:30 p.m.

Semipro Olive Fights

Vanessa & Friends vs. Ronald Jr. - Next Thursday at 4:30 p.m.
Sasha vs. The Experience - November 8th
Those Guys at Team 7 - postponed (mashed potato dunk tank semi finals)

Little Danny: American Hero

"That's what they're saying down on Capolo Avenue, though I never much cared for the man."

- Reverend Orville Foo, 1:05 p.m. GST

Foo's words were part of a lovely eulogy for the recently-slain former back hair model Daniel "Little Danny" Farfel, who passed Wednesday morning as part of the Farfel-Pepano War of 1936.

Little Danny grew up on Piso Street, "slinging stones for paper" (as the song says) and dreaming of a career in Snow Business. When he realized he lived in a place where the temperature rarely got below 75 degrees, he made plans to move over there. But over there had burned down during a Mejito Fire, so in 1983 Little Danny did what many Farfels had done before him: marry a hard-boiled egg.

The couple divorced in the fall of 1986 after an argument over yolk, Little Danny had to pay Shellimony and it nearly left him bankrupt.

All seemed Lonnie Torkelson, but this past summer the 73-year old had seemed to turn his life around. He was exercising in his bathtub again, he was eating three square horse ears a day, and he was finally in Snow Business.

("I Buried Murray Bly In Snow", starring Harriet Lyle & Little Danny, July 7-12 at Feathers Auditorium).

And at around 11:00 a.m. GST, Farfel was killed by Boo Boo Pepano.

Daniel Farfel
1900-2012

Ham Sandwich
2012-2012

RooHahHah Weng Hired

RooHahHah Falmecious Weng has been hired, effective immediately, as Staff Television.

Weng

Weng, formerly Staff Rhubarb at the rival establishment thebobbyclassifieds.com, will be immediately stationed in the 112th floor break room for employee enjoyment. A few notes essential to proper use of Mr. Weng:

- The "on" button is located on Dr. Weng's left rear cheek, near the polar-bear type shaped mark
- Never use the "on" button
- When you wish to view television, simply state the channel you would like to tune to and sing "God Bless America"
- If Dr. Weng does not respond, kick him repeatedly in his nether regions until he either complies or releases his makings on the floor
- Volume is an option, but is discouraged
- The television may or may not spew a phlegm like substance during usage - please ignore
- Dr. Weng will refuse to tune and any Spanish speaking channel (religious)
- RooHahHah prefers an everything bagel if requested to be used before 4 PM in the afternoon
- Wanted in case of 1988 Dom Chestnut serial murders
- Weng may shout obscenities or make rude gestures when called upon (Weng v. The State of Utah, March 1823)
- Weng will consider after hours usage for those working overtime, but normally requires "favors" in these cases
- Little Danny is no longer with us

While we should all be grateful to now have a television at HQ, leader Fat Neck Glenn has warned not to take this for granted. He has threatened to "remove Mr. Weng by force" should any employees not abide to the Weng Statutes or attempt to date Dr. Weng on an outside of work basis.

Welcome, RooHahHah Weng!

- Staff TV Man Travis Kung

Letter to Belinda Pershack

Good evening,

My step-brother William inquired recently about possibly having you and your people remove from his lawn several hippo carcasses. As of the composing of this letter (May 3, 1947) he has not received a response.

I would like this matter to be resolved immediately, or I get the mouse gun out of storage. You don't want that.


Sincerely,
E. Ploop

Beatings Schedule

The latest round of beatings has been scheduled. Please locate your name and report to the proper area at least 10 minutes before your beating.


Friday, August 31

2:00 p.m. - Helmet Logsdale, room 7
3:30 p.m. - Greg & Mindy Fitzpatrick, tinkle room

Monday, September 3

9:00 a.m. - Charles "All Day Every Day" Frozengard, roof
11:00 a.m. -  E'Neshia Polk, underneath the conference room table
4:00 p.m. - Surviving members of the musical group Ham Sandwich, exit 73 highway on ramp

Thursday, September 6

11:45 a.m. - Cal Sanchules Jr., room 7

Monday, September 10

GOLDFISH DAY

7:00 a.m. - Marty
8:00 a.m. - Little Paco
1:30 p.m. - Shishashash
3:30 p.m. - Lettuce

Hired: Walt Downspeed

Walter "Leftovers" Downspeed has been "brought on" by editor Capolo Underwear-Henderson as Staff Telephone.

Downspeed

Downspeed has had several paying jobs in the past, most recently working as a fecal investigator in rural Montana. While is is known for his brains, Downspeed considers himself quite the scholar.

"I'm smarter than Chuck Frozengard."

Downspeed Bio

Name: Walter Wookockomo Downspeed, Sr.
DOB: ?-19-??
Weight: 4
Height: 1' 9"
Pants: no
Spouse: Chuck Frozengard
Comments: Once ate a rhinoceros whole to win a bet; his dinkus is larger than his legs

As Staff Telephone, Downspeed will immediately take all responsibility for Larry recruitment, as well as fornication duties with Chuck Frozengard. He will be seated in cubicle 14c on the 12th floor and is also available for beatings. Sign up sheet in the break room on 5.

NOTE: Please sign up for no more than 1 beating per day.

- Staff Frozengard Albert Wenk

Letter to softball team, part 1

Team:

with the help of American "war" hero Irvin Ribinawitz, we've gotten clearance to have an opening day parade before our first game Monday.

There will be sparklers, miniature American flags, miniature Danish flags, drawings of other country's flags glued to miniature flags, and a team potato to be passed around and autographed for the family of Little Pete (1927-2012).

If you could, please arrive early so we can start the honey mustard dunk tank semi finals on time.


Thank you for your time and effort during this difficult phase of my life,
Oscar R.

Cast list announced

The cast list for the upcoming play Bernie Get Your Lawnmower has been announced:


Yo Lem as Bernie
Claire Cartwright as Choir Teacher Ruth/Bowling Ruth
Charles Frozengard Jr. as "Tough Tommy"
Oh Ok as door-to-door envelope salesman Marty Fisher
Boo Boo Booboo as grass clippings historian Janet Jolsen
Linus Mejito as Mort Mejito/Evil Mort Mejito
Horatio Ploop as the advice-giving kudzu
Grongo Zax as Yupez
J.P. Poppadopolis as edible desk chair
Patricia Von Shwei as deceased hippo 3
Burt Young as himself
Huing-Jei Muh as the singing lawnmower of truth & justice



Play opens September 1 at the Capolo Henderson Theater & Caterpillar Museum

Tuesday afternoon quotebook

"I'm a good-looking olive."

- William P. Parcells

"I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much."

- Arnie Levett

"Hismiss pass on a gumshoe, baby."

- Slick Nicky Batay

Hu "Angry"

President Hu is enraged.

Hu

                                                                               
     



















While it is not known why Hu is enraged, it is believed that Fetus Claymore may have a cashew from his hidden peanut stache deep inside HQ dungeons. Immediately after this photo was shot, Hu started streaking around the 86th floor nude, bowling over and killing lil' Fred and Al Johnson in the process. Hu then jumped out of a closed window and flew to Capolo Peak to sing "a love song" to himself. Traces of Hu-fecal were left scattered all over HQ.

Vigils will not be held for the deceased.

- Staff Hu Man Walt Hu

Hamburgerson Jr. Hired

A new era at the Jerk has begun as the multi-potato organization announced the Friday morning hiring of Alfred Hamburgerson Jr. as staff Deondre McGrue.

Hamburgerson Jr., the son of that guy sitting over there, was captain of the San Antonio Vipers semi-pro basketball team during the Minestrone Boom of the 1980s and in 1986 faded away on Stefan Christenson to put the Vipers up 7-4 in the early stages of a key March game.

"It turned the season around, that fadeaway," said a stick of butter named Harold Kline.

Hamburgerson's duties on staff will be to recruit other Deondres, massage Capolo Henderson's elbows, and to teach the rest of the staff the Alfred Hamburgerson Song:

[lyrics not found]


- Correspondent Linda Jiggaboo

League treasurer under investigation

Gafreda County Softball Association treasurer Jill Frangepane is under investigation for allegedly laundering league profits and for employing an illiterate penguin since November, 2009.

The laundering charges stem from an audit performed on the GCSA's finances in January, which showed more than $30 was funneled into a company that manufactures hearing aids for teddy bears.

The penguin charge is especially alarming as Frangepane has a history with the bird. She was accused, and later acquitted, of attempted Penguin 1 in 1999, and in 2005 married a penguin named Carl for citizenship purposes.

Frangepane released a statement through her lawyer, Henry Loiyer:

"Please get down from my client's bird feeder."

Day of reflection: a guide

Did you have a 44.6 inside a bar restroom and you've cleared the entire next day for reflection? Here's a handy guide to get you through the festivities:

1. Look in the mirror and ask "which direction is my life headed?"
2. Phone call to your mother to tell her about the past 24 hours and that your life is spiraling out of control.
3. Read the best-selling book Spiraling Out Of Control by Terry Torkelson.
4. Begin your search for Jesus.
5. Find Jesus.
6. Put a moist towel on your forehead. Name the towel "Jesus".
7. Spend two minutes inside the mouth of a hippopotamus.
8. Move to Cincinnati, Ohio.
9. Marry a toaster oven.
10. Eat some gravel.
11. Remove all carpet from your home.
12. Shave off all of your hair.
13. Go to the roof of the nearest pet store and rub parmesan cheese on your head.
14. Find a man named Bernie and declare your love for him and/or his pet goldfish.
15. Bowl with a head of lettuce.
16. Reevaluate your life choices.
17. Spray paint HOT DOGS RULE on a highway overpass.
18. Take a nap inside a washing machine.
19. Change your name to Doug McGintley.
20. Fall asleep underneath your couch.


Source: The Capolo Group

Mike Leach Brought On as Staff Nostril

In breaking news, Mike Leach has been hired to take the role of Staff Nostril at the Jerk.

Leach

The Jerk released a statement on the hiring through Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow:

"Today is a day of pride and rejoice amongst 'staffers' here at the Jerk, as we welcome Miketonovo Leach on as Staff Nostril. Not only will Dr. Leach fill a role we have been seeking to fill for over a century, he will bring years of experience in the Nostril spectrum with him. We intend on becoming a leading nostril firm before the fiscal year 2012 is over. Rainbow - out."

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Leach on staff. His nose, Arn, refused comment.

- Staff Leach Man Oscar Rainbow

Editor Oscar Rainbow Relocates: Breaking

Oscar Rainbow, editor and long time pig embalmer, has relocated.

Rainbow

Once considered "firmly entrenched" (Orlando Sentinel - August, 2004) in Fannyville, GA - Rainbow decided earlier this year that it was "time to get the hell out of this dump." Rainbow packed up his hippos, and is believe to be in the process of relocating to an unknown location in Cleveland. .

NOTE: Video may contain graphic language or content. View only if accompanied by gorilla.

While it is not yet know who the "coolie-man" he refers to in the video is, Rainbow was last seen fleeing Fannyville in a yellow Ford pickup with and ostrich in the passenger seat. Until further notice, the "coolie-man" should be considered extremely gaseous with the intent to distribute.

Dr. Rainbow is to be considered dangerous until found not dangerous. Please do not attempt to approach him without authority protection, as he has recently been attempting to eat all those who come within a 10 foot radius of himself.


If you have any information on the whereabouts of Big O', please email ernieploop@gmail.com for a substantial reward.

- Staff Rainbow Beat Writer Francois Crugg

Meet a GCSA Team: West Ferguson Alleycats

Location: West End, Ferguson City
Team name: Alleycats
Stadium: VC&V Park
Capacity: 15,000
Owner: Bert Nimmitz
GM: vacant
Manager: Murray Barfield
Last season: 25-16, 4th place
Southwest Conference

C: Chooch Mondale
1B: Otis Pinkly
2B: Hymel Berroa
SS: Marty Eefis
3B: Kirk Whirble
RF: Vic Pryor
CF: Joyce Vanderells
LF: Kirby Samples
UT: Mike Gallego

SP: Chickadee Baker
SP: Bo Jolsen
RP: Zi-Fong Karoo
RP: Samantha Martinez
CL: Johnny Pepper

The birth of Oscar Rainbox

July 12, 2012 - 9:44 p.m.

[Rainbox's cat, Little Mo also making his debut. Photo taken April 27, 2012]

Cast List Announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Boo Pock presentation of Corcoran Ku: Escape From:

Rajahmesh Quinsley as Oosh Lylo
Wurr Wizzleshon as melting butter
Plondis Mockmoodle as himself
Whoa! as Corcoran Ku
Allah Allahh-Ahlmah as talking tub of leaves
Little Jorge as sand
Plantis Mockmoodle as herself
goo as Herzish Noodle
Cookie jar as itself
Lontsten as As
Yoopez Durly as ghost of ham sandwich


In theaters August 1!

Foof era ends

Sad/delightful/chili-flavored news out of Jerk headquarters this afternoon as longtime staff member Aarwin "Every Other Thursday" Foof has lost his life. Early reports indicate Foof, who averaged 7.3 rebounds per game for the 2008 NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves, tried to live in a refrigerator to "win a bet with a cockroach", but perished in the vegetable crisper at approximately 12:45 p.m. ERST.

"It's what the vegetable crisper would've wanted," said the freezer in a statement released by the refrigerator's lawyer, door handle.

Foof's purple sedan body will be auctioned off at the Jerk's 4th annual Body Part Auction & Spaghetti Cook-Off, August 7 at the Capolo Auditorium.

Monday night cancellations

* Softball

- Team 4 at Julio's Bar & Grill - postponed (pigeon). Make-up date: July 17
- Chubby Ankles at Johnny Johnington - postponed (rain puddle). No make-up date announced

* John Kruk look-alike contest: rescheduled for January 8, 2014

* Laundry detergent drinking contest. Semi finals rescheduled for Thursday; finals for Monday, July 16

Rainbow goes 17th Overall to Bison: Report

Recently committed Oscar Rainbow was surprisingly still on the board at 17, and the Bison were quick to choose him in the 2012 HJBD yesterday.

Rainbow

The Bison have had a need for a steady presence at the 4 spot since Ru-Ru McDoogle lost his underwear in late August of 2009. They believe that Rainbow can "contribute immediately, and pull down 1-2 boards a month for our squadron," according to GM Hydro Foofane-Winston. "We will depend on Mr. Rainbow to not only pull down a board, but to contribute 35-40 points a night in Coach Keady's famed seven-walrus offense."

Rainbow Bio

Name: Oscarowitz Lucas Rainbow III
DOB: Unknown
Height: 4'9"
Weight: 276 lbs
Left Foot: No
Country of Origin: Mars
College: Johannesburg Institute of Pig Tendon Removal. Played the 1 for Coach Henry Hooheh and was elected to office in March, 1988
Comments: Prides himself on work ethic, armpit hair. Believes in "one almighty governor of the Earth - Chet Binkley." Once ate a mule after losing a bet with Harold Hooheh. Famously quoted as remarking "Lettuce isn't the enemy here, lettuce saves lives."

While signability may be an issue, the Bison are well below the cap for the 2012 season and will be able to offer Mr. Rainbow a substantial multi-year gary, should he accept.

Rainbow's number 23 jerseys are now for sale for $300. Please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com for more information.

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Boddington Update

9:52 p.m. LST - Potts Boddington and his assistant, J.J., who lives on Boddington's back, have been spotted near Piso Lake, according to lake spokesman Lyle Lake. Hey Jerk officials also received word Boddington was planning to eat a piece of toast, but those reports were never confirmed.

Boddington, a sawdust war veteran, is expected to take his weekly soy sauce bath Friday morning.


- Correspondent Oliver Durly

[Boddington and J.J. Photo taken March, 1977]

Rainbow Mistaken for Gene Keady

Oscar Rainbow has been mistaken for Gene Keady.

Keady/Rainbow

Durf Wenkle was passing by HQ on his morning jog when he began screaming "Mr. Keady, Mr. Keady! Is that you?" Soon after, puzzled, Mr. Rainbow approached Wenkle, threatening to eat him. Wenkle became enraged. "You'll pay for this, Gene. I've loved you my entire life and this is how you repay me? You haven't heard the last of Durfenshire Wenkle!" With that, Dr. Wenkle ran into the woods.

Oscar Rainbow has been taken to the Aunt Estelle Home For The Clinically Keady and is being evaluated by doctors on hand. It has not yet been determined if Rainbow must be put down or can continue to be a part of society.

Updates to come.

- Staff Keady Man Wilbur Hogshine

Art contest winner named

"Charlie The Mule"
Rory Bartles, Clugge County

This month's winner will receive one dinner roll and a lifetime pass to the Jerk's Mustard Museum.

Nose hired

The Jerk has announced the hiring of a new nose, Mort.

Mort is attached to Craig Luxford's face, but Luxford was not given a staff position after he ended his Monday morning interview by bathing in an egg salad wading pool and videotaping the proceedings.

The video, titled "Eggs For Craigs", was later eaten by staff editor Capolo Henderson.

Meanwhile, Mort comes to the Jerk with plenty of experience, including sneezing for Patricia Clarkson in 1997, and winning "Largest" and "Closest to the Sky" at the 2003 Nostrils.

For Sale

1992 Saturn

Don't miss this exciting once-in-a-lifetime offer! 

Just north of 300,000 miles. MINT condition. No transmission. Racing stripes add 20 horsepower. Front passenger side wheel optional. Donkey in trunk (Mel) included!

$40,000 obo. 

Call Darren Durly at 888-DURLYMAN

Finally, Dangerfield on Board as New Editor

Rodney Dangerfield, formerly Staff Ugly for the rival blog capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com, has been brought on as a new Staff Editor.

Dangerfield

Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.

Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:

"Mehhhhhhh."

Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).

Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.

- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson

Durly Buys Hat, Starts Anti-Rainbow Campaign

Darren Durly, Staff Idiot and voted 1999's "Most hated person on Earth," has started an Anti-Rainbow campain "with the goal of murdering Oscar Rainbow."

Durly (New shirt and hat)

The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."

Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.

- Staff Idiot Darren Durly

Durly Era Begins

"Thousands are relieved to finally begin the Darren Durly Era. It's truly a great day for all of us. I may go bathe in that kiddie pool of mayonnaise."

- Beatrice (January, 1983)

After decades of persecution, the potato chip people finally have a representative at Hey Jerk headquarters as Dr. Darren Durly has been hired. Durly, who on two separate occasions in 1998 and 2007 nearly ate himself, will supervise all Darrens and also be in charge of napkin hoarding for the summer months.

Durly's assistant, Maurice, a pigeon that lives in the 8th floor men's restroom, declined comment.

Pappersath Brought Aboard as Staff Ninja Instructor

Glowven Pappersath, known for his role as Pistol Henry in the late 80's drama Why Does My Shoe Smell Like That?, has been brought on board to train an army of ninjas to reclaim HQ from the evil Hu.

Pappersath

Mr. Pappersath is a 17-time World Ninja Association (WNA) bronze-or-worse place finisher, with just north of 12 murders to notch on his belt.

Pappersath Bio

Name: Glowvenovitch Ed Pappersath III
DOB: 1-19-1889
Place of Birth: Cleveland, Ohio
Height: N/A
Weight: 426 lbs.
Partner: Len Nickadeemus (deceased)
Favorite Quote: "You can't skin a watermelon without a pair of pliers"
Comments: Likes aardvark semen, whale lore, and sunny days; dislikes Bob Feathers, arms, and using the restroom

Please welcome Mr. Pappersath on board!

- Staff Ninja Beat Writer Chauncey Billups

Hooheh Death Cards Sent to Grievers

Wake: no
Funeral: no