"Well, that will just about do it for the Vohl family," said Vohl family historian, porpoise.
After Harvey Vohl Jr. died of xylophone Monday afternoon, Sh Vohl, famous pea sympathizer, fell off his goldfish while taking an evening ride around Russo Park. Vohl was married to a photograph of the sea and told sneeze jokes to elderly window sills in his spare time, and he was one of the founding members of a society that was vacuumed by Mildred Harrelson in 1973.
The 58-year old, who could play volleyball in his sleep, traded a marshmallow for a pants pocket once.
Source: egg
May 31, 2011
May 30, 2011
A New Delmonico Arrives
Following the arrival of brother Al, Sal Delmonico has joined the Hey Jerk staff as Staff Olympic Hero. Delmonico, 44, claims to have participated in every Olympics since the first games in 1896 and will be seen around headquarters carrying around a miniature flag of the United States and mumbling.
Here's the transcript from Sal's first press conference:
"Back in the '76 games, I ran the 400 meters for the United States team. I finished 11th, but I had more heart and determination than a styrofoam cup full of bullfrogs. That was the thing about the US team-we competed. One guy, Vinnie Tiso, had no legs and a doberman ate one of his eyes during Olympic training, but he ran in the 1600 during the '52 games and won bronze. We were all Olympic heroes. In the '92 games in Barcelona, me and Tommy Fredericks did the bobsled and competed. They had a parade for me when I got home-dancing goldfish, barbecue sauce fights, Hotdog Calhoun was there, everybody showed up to support the Olympic heroes. After the '00 games, I lost my pants in the struggle, but I finished 8th, good enough to be on the Wheaties box with Carl Lewis. Carl Lewis called me an Olympic hero that day."
- Correspondent Maude Gallego
May 26, 2011
BREAKING: New York Being Invaded
Morris has invaded New York. His intentions are not yet known, but it is believed that he will work to take over rulership of the city, and subsequently, turn it into the capital of the World, which he intends to rule.
(Click image for larger view)
All military advances by US personnel have been thwarted by doody attacks from above.
More info as we receive it.
(Click image for larger view)
All military advances by US personnel have been thwarted by doody attacks from above.
More info as we receive it.
May 25, 2011
Hey Jerk Introduction: Al Delmonico
The staff here at Hey Jerk would like to introduce you to Al Delmonico, an Olympic hero (well, an insane person that believes he was an Olympic hero), who will begin sharing his Olympic tales with The Jerk on a weekly basis.
Al
Al was delighted to be invited to this forum to share his stories, and had this to say before his initial reading:
"I'm gonna come in here, compete, and give it 112 percent!"
Al's storytelling will begin later this week, after the introduction of his brother, Sal, is complete.
Al
Al was delighted to be invited to this forum to share his stories, and had this to say before his initial reading:
"I'm gonna come in here, compete, and give it 112 percent!"
Al's storytelling will begin later this week, after the introduction of his brother, Sal, is complete.
May 24, 2011
Hey Jerk Hockey Series: 1994 New York Rangers v. Hey Jerk
Its the "matchup of the millenium," according to Gary GaHorry, commissioner of the Hey Jerk Athletic Foundation.
"Two elite squads that everyone has wanted to see go at it for years are finally getting the chance. Winner takes the universe."
The Teams
1994 New York Rangers
D - Brian Leetch
D - Sergei Zubov
LW - Adam Graves
RW - Steve Larmer
C - Mark Messier
G - Mike Richter
Hey Jerk Owls
D - Morris Aschermann
D - Bob Feathers
LW - Almond Butterfield
RW - Capolo Henderson
C - Vacant
G - Yo Bah
The Games
Game 1 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls are not prepared for what is an extremely hostile New York environment, and come out nervous and flat. Brian Leetch skates through the entire Owl squad 15 times in the opening period, and no one on the ice for either team other than Leetch touches the puck until the 7:14 mark of period 2 when Yo Bah makes an accidental save when Leetch shoots the puck directly into his glove. Rangers take a 24-0 lead into the third and decide to pull Richter. Bob Feathers trys to take advantage of the empty net, but instead is murdered after a hip-check from Zubov puts him through the glass and a shard pierces his heart. Rangers cruise to 47-0 victory.
Game 2 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls show up with only 3 players and a goalie, with Feathers deceased and no one at center. Coach Oscar Rainbow attempts to revitalize his squad by showing up behind the bench naked, but seems to have the opposite effect as his players refuse to ever come back to the bench. Due to exhaustion, the Owls forfeit the game mid way through the second stanza, down 72-0.
Game 3 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
The Rangers arrive late, assuming the Owls would not show up. They are penalized 10 goals, and begin the second period down 10-0. Within 43 seconds, Messier and Graves score 11 to take an 11-10 lead. Richter decides to vacate the net and play the "offensive goaltender" position, scoring on 4 consecutive slapshots from mid ice. Coach Rainbow has seen enough and runs onto the ice tackling Richter with no pants on, screaming something about the economy. Rainbow is quickly removed by Steve Larmer and decapitated, having his head thrown into the crowd. The coachless Owls lose 114-10.
Game 4 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
Yo Bah, goalie for the Owls, decides to go to KFC, meaning the Owls start the game with three skaters and no goalie. The Rangers, looking for a challenge, grant a 50-0 lead to the Owls to start the game. Morris Aschermann takes offense to this slight and doodies on center ice, causing a 45 minute clean up delay. Almond Butterfield, after the delay, attempts to take the game into his own hands, but instead scores on his own goal and then removes his shorts and takes his own life with his stick. Aschermann and Henderson, the only remaining Owl skaters, decide enough is enough and join the Rangers for the remainder of the game. The Owls, with no skaters left, lose the game 412-50.
Sources: Gwinnett Press, 2011
"Two elite squads that everyone has wanted to see go at it for years are finally getting the chance. Winner takes the universe."
The Teams
1994 New York Rangers
D - Brian Leetch
D - Sergei Zubov
LW - Adam Graves
RW - Steve Larmer
C - Mark Messier
G - Mike Richter
Hey Jerk Owls
D - Morris Aschermann
D - Bob Feathers
LW - Almond Butterfield
RW - Capolo Henderson
C - Vacant
G - Yo Bah
The Games
Game 1 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls are not prepared for what is an extremely hostile New York environment, and come out nervous and flat. Brian Leetch skates through the entire Owl squad 15 times in the opening period, and no one on the ice for either team other than Leetch touches the puck until the 7:14 mark of period 2 when Yo Bah makes an accidental save when Leetch shoots the puck directly into his glove. Rangers take a 24-0 lead into the third and decide to pull Richter. Bob Feathers trys to take advantage of the empty net, but instead is murdered after a hip-check from Zubov puts him through the glass and a shard pierces his heart. Rangers cruise to 47-0 victory.
Game 2 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls show up with only 3 players and a goalie, with Feathers deceased and no one at center. Coach Oscar Rainbow attempts to revitalize his squad by showing up behind the bench naked, but seems to have the opposite effect as his players refuse to ever come back to the bench. Due to exhaustion, the Owls forfeit the game mid way through the second stanza, down 72-0.
Game 3 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
The Rangers arrive late, assuming the Owls would not show up. They are penalized 10 goals, and begin the second period down 10-0. Within 43 seconds, Messier and Graves score 11 to take an 11-10 lead. Richter decides to vacate the net and play the "offensive goaltender" position, scoring on 4 consecutive slapshots from mid ice. Coach Rainbow has seen enough and runs onto the ice tackling Richter with no pants on, screaming something about the economy. Rainbow is quickly removed by Steve Larmer and decapitated, having his head thrown into the crowd. The coachless Owls lose 114-10.
Game 4 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
Yo Bah, goalie for the Owls, decides to go to KFC, meaning the Owls start the game with three skaters and no goalie. The Rangers, looking for a challenge, grant a 50-0 lead to the Owls to start the game. Morris Aschermann takes offense to this slight and doodies on center ice, causing a 45 minute clean up delay. Almond Butterfield, after the delay, attempts to take the game into his own hands, but instead scores on his own goal and then removes his shorts and takes his own life with his stick. Aschermann and Henderson, the only remaining Owl skaters, decide enough is enough and join the Rangers for the remainder of the game. The Owls, with no skaters left, lose the game 412-50.
Sources: Gwinnett Press, 2011
May 23, 2011
Hey Jerk Basketball Series: 1980s Pistons vs. Hey Jerk
The match up everyone had been waiting for never materialized as the 1980s Detroit Pistons swept four games from the Hey Jerk Bobcats. The Hey Jerk team, hastily-thrown together during a hastily-thrown together public urinal protest, was disbanded afterwards.
The teams
Pistons
G Isiah Thomas
G Joe Dumars
F Dennis Rodman
F Rick Mahorn
C Bill Laimbeer
Bobcats
G Capolo Henderson
G Dominic Balboni
F Larry Dulfman
F Oscar Rainbow
C Silly Shoes Pock
The games
Game 1 at Palace of Auburn Hills
Detroit takes an early 57-0 lead on the strengths of Dumars and sixth man Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson, who combine to hit 14-of-17 from behind the arc, thanks to Balboni not having arms and Henderson being a horrible defender. Hey Jerk nearly scores late in the third when Henderson tries his patented nose-pick-fade away, but Rodman blocks the shot. A traveling Bobcats fan afterwards:
Final: Detroit, 211-0.
Game 2 at Palace
Early in the first quarter, Rodman and Rainbow each remove their pants and run screaming in opposite directions into the Detroit night, leaving both teams with a hole at power forward. It doesn't affect the Pistons as they bring in John "Spider" Salley, but the Bobcats only bench player is Len Fleetwood, who died in the 70s. Detroit takes advantage, turning an early 41-0 lead into a 165-0 cushion at halftime. In the locker room, Hey Jerk coach Cal Naughton Jr. takes his own life. Final: Detroit, 245-0.
Game 3 at Hey Jerk Arena & Cafeteria
The host Bobcats look to take an early lead in a must-win game, but instead go down 33-0 as Thomas and Dumars combine for 11 consecutive three-pointers in a dominant opening quarter. Mid-way through the second, Dulfman tries to attack the basket, but his shot is blocked by Laimbeer, and Laimbeer then swallows Dulfman whole in what is being described as "The Time Bill Laimbeer Ate Larry Dulfman Whole" (Detroit News, May, 2011). It's the fourth time in the last year Dulfman has been eaten by an NBA center, a new Gafreda County record. Rodman, in his return from an under-bridge seminar he gave on the proper way to cook a human ear, pulls down a playoff-record 53 rebounds, mostly over Rainbow, who before the game declared himself a raccoon named Lance. Like in game one, Hey Jerk nearly scores in the second half when Henderson and Balboni execute a nice give-and-go, though referees declare they had been out-of-bounds nearly four minutes before the pass took place. Final: Detroit, 318-0.
Game 4 at Hey Jerk
Facing the prospect of a sweep, the Bobcats go out in disgrace as several incidents cast a cloud over the final game of this much-anticipated series. Early on, Henderson and Thomas are involved in a fracis near mid-court with Henderson losing most of his limbs. Pock is eaten by Mahorn near the Pistons bench, leaving the Bobcats with two players with all their limbs. Dumars makes 73 consecutive lay ups during a pivotal third quarter, and despite the Bobcats bringing in a shocking ringer-former Bullets center Gheorge Muresan, who scores 40 points in the third and fourth quarters, Detroit pulls away for the championship and the giant bag of possum tails. Final: Detroit 418-40.
Sources: Detroit News, May 2011; Basketball News, May, 2011
The teams
Pistons
G Isiah Thomas
G Joe Dumars
F Dennis Rodman
F Rick Mahorn
C Bill Laimbeer
Bobcats
G Capolo Henderson
G Dominic Balboni
F Larry Dulfman
F Oscar Rainbow
C Silly Shoes Pock
The games
Game 1 at Palace of Auburn Hills
Detroit takes an early 57-0 lead on the strengths of Dumars and sixth man Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson, who combine to hit 14-of-17 from behind the arc, thanks to Balboni not having arms and Henderson being a horrible defender. Hey Jerk nearly scores late in the third when Henderson tries his patented nose-pick-fade away, but Rodman blocks the shot. A traveling Bobcats fan afterwards:
Final: Detroit, 211-0.
Game 2 at Palace
Early in the first quarter, Rodman and Rainbow each remove their pants and run screaming in opposite directions into the Detroit night, leaving both teams with a hole at power forward. It doesn't affect the Pistons as they bring in John "Spider" Salley, but the Bobcats only bench player is Len Fleetwood, who died in the 70s. Detroit takes advantage, turning an early 41-0 lead into a 165-0 cushion at halftime. In the locker room, Hey Jerk coach Cal Naughton Jr. takes his own life. Final: Detroit, 245-0.
Game 3 at Hey Jerk Arena & Cafeteria
The host Bobcats look to take an early lead in a must-win game, but instead go down 33-0 as Thomas and Dumars combine for 11 consecutive three-pointers in a dominant opening quarter. Mid-way through the second, Dulfman tries to attack the basket, but his shot is blocked by Laimbeer, and Laimbeer then swallows Dulfman whole in what is being described as "The Time Bill Laimbeer Ate Larry Dulfman Whole" (Detroit News, May, 2011). It's the fourth time in the last year Dulfman has been eaten by an NBA center, a new Gafreda County record. Rodman, in his return from an under-bridge seminar he gave on the proper way to cook a human ear, pulls down a playoff-record 53 rebounds, mostly over Rainbow, who before the game declared himself a raccoon named Lance. Like in game one, Hey Jerk nearly scores in the second half when Henderson and Balboni execute a nice give-and-go, though referees declare they had been out-of-bounds nearly four minutes before the pass took place. Final: Detroit, 318-0.
Game 4 at Hey Jerk
Facing the prospect of a sweep, the Bobcats go out in disgrace as several incidents cast a cloud over the final game of this much-anticipated series. Early on, Henderson and Thomas are involved in a fracis near mid-court with Henderson losing most of his limbs. Pock is eaten by Mahorn near the Pistons bench, leaving the Bobcats with two players with all their limbs. Dumars makes 73 consecutive lay ups during a pivotal third quarter, and despite the Bobcats bringing in a shocking ringer-former Bullets center Gheorge Muresan, who scores 40 points in the third and fourth quarters, Detroit pulls away for the championship and the giant bag of possum tails. Final: Detroit 418-40.
Sources: Detroit News, May 2011; Basketball News, May, 2011
May 18, 2011
Ming Starts Foundation
Nelson Ming, a man that previously was not affiliated with The Jerk in any way, has started the Gary Foundation, or just TGF. He released a statement along with a photo of himself for reasons unknown.
Ming
"I believe in the freedom of Garys. Freedom to gary in any way they wish. Freedom from the prosecution that has felled Gary's internationally for years. It is time, in this modern economy, for Gary's to collect on all of the civil rights due them that have not been awarded over the past century. Down with the anti-gary alliance! Up with TGF!!"
While it is not known why Ming decided to form this foundation, it is believed that his domestic partner, Gary Rainbow, is the motive behind the madness.
More to come.
- Correspondent Trent Bibswitch
Ming
"I believe in the freedom of Garys. Freedom to gary in any way they wish. Freedom from the prosecution that has felled Gary's internationally for years. It is time, in this modern economy, for Gary's to collect on all of the civil rights due them that have not been awarded over the past century. Down with the anti-gary alliance! Up with TGF!!"
While it is not known why Ming decided to form this foundation, it is believed that his domestic partner, Gary Rainbow, is the motive behind the madness.
More to come.
- Correspondent Trent Bibswitch
May 16, 2011
Hey Jerk Final Four Set
The four family fighting championship is set.
In the first semi final, Glenn bracket champion Fat Neck takes on Crugg champion Hippo Crugg. In the second semi final, Pock champ Rory battles Shermania bracket champion Grandpa Mo.
Death Final Four
In the first semi final, Glenn bracket champion Fat Neck takes on Crugg champion Hippo Crugg. In the second semi final, Pock champ Rory battles Shermania bracket champion Grandpa Mo.
Death Final Four
May 10, 2011
Fonshway Perishes
That's just about enough for Elf Fonshway, who dies of Didier overdose early Tuesday morning.
Funeral services cancelled because no one cares about the Fonshway family.
- Fonshway hater, Dulf Merkley
May 7, 2011
Fonshway Family Arrives
The arrival of Elf Fonshway to planet Heyjerk signals the beginning of The Fonshway Era™.
More information to follow.
- Correspondent Ernie Dimaggio
May 4, 2011
Casting Released for Upcoming Film
"Murder, Again: The Shermania Chronicles"
Set for release in a theater near you sometime in Fall, 2016
Cast
Sherman Shermania as Capolo
Capolo as Sherman Shermania
Bon Bontley as the filthy toilet
Shonsen Pepano as himself (cameo)
Gary Chisholm as the evil rabbit
Pol Polberg as the seven-foot wonder
Vince Shermania as Dr. Larry
Beckmann Goolie as Asparagus Johnson
Mel Gibson as Rabbi Shleckam
Aunt Estelle as the ice cream truck operator/serial killer
Lil' O Rainbow as Orphan Shonsane
Horace Bumblebee as Nascar driver (cameo)
Walter Wie as President Gary
And introducing....
Simon Q. Shermania III as murder victim no. 4
Set for release in a theater near you sometime in Fall, 2016
Cast
Sherman Shermania as Capolo
Capolo as Sherman Shermania
Bon Bontley as the filthy toilet
Shonsen Pepano as himself (cameo)
Gary Chisholm as the evil rabbit
Pol Polberg as the seven-foot wonder
Vince Shermania as Dr. Larry
Beckmann Goolie as Asparagus Johnson
Mel Gibson as Rabbi Shleckam
Aunt Estelle as the ice cream truck operator/serial killer
Lil' O Rainbow as Orphan Shonsane
Horace Bumblebee as Nascar driver (cameo)
Walter Wie as President Gary
And introducing....
Simon Q. Shermania III as murder victim no. 4
May 3, 2011
Family Death Tournaments Set To Begin
Four families are finally going to fight to the death in a winner-take-all tournament. Follow all the action here:
Shermania Family Fight to the Death
Pock Family Fight to the Death
Crugg Family Fight to the Death
Glenn Family Fight to the Death
Shermania Family Fight to the Death
Pock Family Fight to the Death
Crugg Family Fight to the Death
Glenn Family Fight to the Death
Murfreesboro Can't Sign Shermania
**BREAKING**
Vince Shermania, internationally renowned gospel artist and No. 2 draft pick of the Murfreesboro Bandits, has been released from his obligation to the team after several tense negotiations went nowhere.
"They were offering 4 kumquats, and I was firm with my demand of 7 diapers."
Shermania, widely referred to as "The Stapler Assassin," becomes a free agent, effective immediately. Expect many teams to be interested in Shermania, specifically the Anchorage Beluga, desperately in need of a young SS to replace aging fan-favorite, Berek Feter.
No details have been released at this time, but it is believed that after negotiations stalled, Shermania started screaming hysterically and murdered Murfreesboro GM Jed Sanchules. Shermania's current whereabouts are unknown, but any tips should be directed to Sergeant Gary Shubkin, Capolo Township PD.
- Trent
Vince Shermania, internationally renowned gospel artist and No. 2 draft pick of the Murfreesboro Bandits, has been released from his obligation to the team after several tense negotiations went nowhere.
"They were offering 4 kumquats, and I was firm with my demand of 7 diapers."
Shermania, widely referred to as "The Stapler Assassin," becomes a free agent, effective immediately. Expect many teams to be interested in Shermania, specifically the Anchorage Beluga, desperately in need of a young SS to replace aging fan-favorite, Berek Feter.
No details have been released at this time, but it is believed that after negotiations stalled, Shermania started screaming hysterically and murdered Murfreesboro GM Jed Sanchules. Shermania's current whereabouts are unknown, but any tips should be directed to Sergeant Gary Shubkin, Capolo Township PD.
- Trent
May 1, 2011
2011 HJSL Draft Underway
[1st round analysis by Capolo (odd #s) and Oscar Rainbow (even #s)]
1) Portland Poopies - Gottfried Slime - P, Portland Yardwork and Garage Repair. Slime was rumored to be dropping out of a lottery selection due to a poor performance at the combine (forgot to wear clothing and "made" on one of the stopclock operators.) Extreme talent was too much to pass up, however, as the memory of the 15 MPH outside slurve (1997 - Uruguay Games) won out in the end.
2) Murfreesboro Bandits - Vince Shermania - SS, Munch Valley Team 4. Shermania, the younger brother of famous potato murderer Sherman Shermania, led the 2006 Cholly League in outfield fall downs with 17, and hit .110 for the Pickles (2007). Once ate a stapler to impress a woman.
3) Atlanta Astronauts (via Manalapan Mongos) - Danny Devito, Bench Player, Harvard. Devito, who gave up his career in Poo to focus on the Softball scene, skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks after he batted in his underwear for his local softball squad and successfully ran out a dribbler to the mound.
4) Vince Valley Cheetahs - Bonnie Bunning - OF, Capolo Henderson Community College. Bunning was best-known for having her leg eaten by a bear during a 1998 game. Led the 2005 Zevvits North League in acorns thrown at umpire (34).
5) New York Wombats - Steven Christensen - P, Goolie and Goolie University for the Pancake Loving American. Christensen still holds the Rextum, VA record for most consecutive hit batsmen (14). Also once ate and opposing shortstop.
6) Charlotte - Mik Rouso - 2B, Team 4. Once hit a ball seven feet.
7) Ottawa Ottawians - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa hedging on bet that Atlanta fails to sign Devito, looking for extreme value here at spot 7.
8) Gerk County Vipers - Pat Zin - OF, Team 4. Second player taken from the Panhandler's Row Team 4 from 2009. Zin led the '09 team in jogs back to the dugout and outfield cigarettes finished (44). Unknowingly wore his cup and jock strap outside of his pants during a game (May, 2007).
9) Conyers Owls - Kerk Ashermin - Utility, Team 4. Third player from the infamous league champion Team 4 infield to be taken, Ashermin was known for power to the pitcher and smoking cigarettes in between innings with his coolie.
10) Canton Lumberjacks - Mort Mejito - 3B, Sal's Hardware. Canton gambles with Mejito at No. 10 as most mock drafts showed the 48-year old dropping to the early part of the second round. Signability is an issue as Mejito said before the draft he "wouldn't sign for anything less than 11 envelopes."
11) Detroit Dingleberries - Sherman Irwin Shermania - 1B, Crugg School of Politics. Shermania, once widely considered a shoe-in for the first overall selection, dropped due to insanity concerns after he lit an opposing catcher on fire after striking out several weeks ago. While the catcher has since perished, Shermania was deemed too valuable to let fall any further.
12) Vancouver Pisos - Bog Piso - C, Feathers College. Vancouver takes one of its own as Bog comes north of the tomato to play for his grandfather's franchise. Piso was all-swamp in 2003 and 2005, leading Team Purple to a pair of league titles before starring at Feathers College under legendary coach, zebra. He once ate an entire box of tissues to win a bet.
13) Montreal Indians - Pedro Cerrano - OF, Christensen University. Cerrano, after a career in Major League Baseball flamed out, set himself on fire and ran over the border into Mexico. He has since been put out, and is looking to resurrect his career at age 66.
14) Bangor Muskrats - Inoki - P, Yomiuri Oxen. Inoki is the first Japanese-born player to be drafted into the Hey Jerk Softball League after a 34-year career in the Far East. In 1998 was elected to the Pigeon Sympathizer Hall of Fame. In 2008, led the Oxen with 47 singles.
15) Moscow - John Candy - CF, Deluise Culinary School. Candy, deceased for some 10 odd years, decides to throw his name in the draft to see if he "still has it." Moscow takes the bait, hopes Candy can perform adequately in a deep center field at Communism Field.
16) ** Pick vacated by Harrisburg Tigers after HJSL officials discovered in the Harrisburg clubhouse rampant use of performance-enhancing penguins **
17) Ottawa Ottawians (via Cleveland) - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa gives up 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th round picks to Cleveland to move up to 17 and select Danny Devito, afraid negotiations after pick 7 will go awry.
18) Walrus (via Washington) - Exasperation Thomas, 1B, Hoilioke. Thomas led her 2005, 2006 and 2008 teams in infield fall downs (average of 36/year), and once chewed on a teammate's ear for a Finn County-record eight minutes.
1) Portland Poopies - Gottfried Slime - P, Portland Yardwork and Garage Repair. Slime was rumored to be dropping out of a lottery selection due to a poor performance at the combine (forgot to wear clothing and "made" on one of the stopclock operators.) Extreme talent was too much to pass up, however, as the memory of the 15 MPH outside slurve (1997 - Uruguay Games) won out in the end.
2) Murfreesboro Bandits - Vince Shermania - SS, Munch Valley Team 4. Shermania, the younger brother of famous potato murderer Sherman Shermania, led the 2006 Cholly League in outfield fall downs with 17, and hit .110 for the Pickles (2007). Once ate a stapler to impress a woman.
3) Atlanta Astronauts (via Manalapan Mongos) - Danny Devito, Bench Player, Harvard. Devito, who gave up his career in Poo to focus on the Softball scene, skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks after he batted in his underwear for his local softball squad and successfully ran out a dribbler to the mound.
4) Vince Valley Cheetahs - Bonnie Bunning - OF, Capolo Henderson Community College. Bunning was best-known for having her leg eaten by a bear during a 1998 game. Led the 2005 Zevvits North League in acorns thrown at umpire (34).
5) New York Wombats - Steven Christensen - P, Goolie and Goolie University for the Pancake Loving American. Christensen still holds the Rextum, VA record for most consecutive hit batsmen (14). Also once ate and opposing shortstop.
6) Charlotte - Mik Rouso - 2B, Team 4. Once hit a ball seven feet.
7) Ottawa Ottawians - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa hedging on bet that Atlanta fails to sign Devito, looking for extreme value here at spot 7.
8) Gerk County Vipers - Pat Zin - OF, Team 4. Second player taken from the Panhandler's Row Team 4 from 2009. Zin led the '09 team in jogs back to the dugout and outfield cigarettes finished (44). Unknowingly wore his cup and jock strap outside of his pants during a game (May, 2007).
9) Conyers Owls - Kerk Ashermin - Utility, Team 4. Third player from the infamous league champion Team 4 infield to be taken, Ashermin was known for power to the pitcher and smoking cigarettes in between innings with his coolie.
10) Canton Lumberjacks - Mort Mejito - 3B, Sal's Hardware. Canton gambles with Mejito at No. 10 as most mock drafts showed the 48-year old dropping to the early part of the second round. Signability is an issue as Mejito said before the draft he "wouldn't sign for anything less than 11 envelopes."
11) Detroit Dingleberries - Sherman Irwin Shermania - 1B, Crugg School of Politics. Shermania, once widely considered a shoe-in for the first overall selection, dropped due to insanity concerns after he lit an opposing catcher on fire after striking out several weeks ago. While the catcher has since perished, Shermania was deemed too valuable to let fall any further.
12) Vancouver Pisos - Bog Piso - C, Feathers College. Vancouver takes one of its own as Bog comes north of the tomato to play for his grandfather's franchise. Piso was all-swamp in 2003 and 2005, leading Team Purple to a pair of league titles before starring at Feathers College under legendary coach, zebra. He once ate an entire box of tissues to win a bet.
13) Montreal Indians - Pedro Cerrano - OF, Christensen University. Cerrano, after a career in Major League Baseball flamed out, set himself on fire and ran over the border into Mexico. He has since been put out, and is looking to resurrect his career at age 66.
14) Bangor Muskrats - Inoki - P, Yomiuri Oxen. Inoki is the first Japanese-born player to be drafted into the Hey Jerk Softball League after a 34-year career in the Far East. In 1998 was elected to the Pigeon Sympathizer Hall of Fame. In 2008, led the Oxen with 47 singles.
15) Moscow - John Candy - CF, Deluise Culinary School. Candy, deceased for some 10 odd years, decides to throw his name in the draft to see if he "still has it." Moscow takes the bait, hopes Candy can perform adequately in a deep center field at Communism Field.
16) ** Pick vacated by Harrisburg Tigers after HJSL officials discovered in the Harrisburg clubhouse rampant use of performance-enhancing penguins **
17) Ottawa Ottawians (via Cleveland) - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa gives up 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th round picks to Cleveland to move up to 17 and select Danny Devito, afraid negotiations after pick 7 will go awry.
18) Walrus (via Washington) - Exasperation Thomas, 1B, Hoilioke. Thomas led her 2005, 2006 and 2008 teams in infield fall downs (average of 36/year), and once chewed on a teammate's ear for a Finn County-record eight minutes.
Balboni Hired
Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Steve Balboni as Staff Steve Balboni.
"He's one of the finest applicants we've ever had at the site," said HJ editor Edward Xomcheese. "And if we need a dribbler to third, we won't hesitate to call on Steve. Plus, we heard he can really get the job done on the toilet, and we've needed that at this site ever since Merchelsky died in the 70s."
Balboni insisted on being called by his nickname, "Porkchop", then he ate 17 pork chops and fell off the roof of headquarters. His whereabouts are not known at this time.
- Correspondent Doc Fellows
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