Blue Hired

Former Portland Stars Outfielder Bobby Blue has been hired on as Staff President.

Blue

 


Blue, who famously once ate an entire elephant during the 5th inning of a Portland/San Juan ballgame, is thrilled to usher in a new era here at The Jerk.

"Oscar Rainbow will be hunted down and killed. That is my first order of business. Until this happens, I will not make any other public statements. Go Cowboys!" - Staff President Bobby Blue

Blue barricaded himself into his office on the 133rd floor east wing and hasn't been seen since being hired three weeks ago.

- Staff Correspondent Hippo Footshit

Update on Kelvin Roddish

[Source: the Roddish Family]

Rare photo of Erwin Zlipp found

[Thanks to the Zlipp Family Archives for permission to use this photograph.

For other inquiries: cathereinezlipp@gmail.com]

Three hired late Sunday

DES MOINES, Ia. - Three new hires were announced late Sunday as Billy, Billy's right ear, Gavin, and left ear, Olivia were all added as part of the closing ceremonies to Vince Fest.

The first three-time Vince Fest gold medalist, Vince Piccilo, threw out the ceremonial last pineapple at the ceremonies, then drank a bottle of Kiwi Splash shampoo to honor his fellow countryman, Billy. Billy was the most-recent two-time gold medalist from Antarctica.

"It's a great day to be a Billy. This hire was a long time coming," said Piccilo, who began chewing on his right wrist.

Billy, formerly a staff writer on the television show Capolo Henderson Today, will immediately begin work on the site's first-ever ice cream cone commuter bridge. Gavin's responsibilities include listening for the door bell (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays), while Olivia has to first pass an earwax physical before becoming the first left ear in staff history.

"Truly honored to be here," Olivia said to Tim Yokum's right ear, Joe.

Olivia and Joe have been dating for the past two years and are planning to wed in late-August, pending approval by Joe's father, Henry Carson's left knee cap.

"Durly!"

- first edition, Derner Times, June 12, 2019


BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.

The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.

"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.

Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.

Budward Skoonch Located (UPDATE: DEAD)

Budward "Buddy" Skoonch, missing since the urinal door fire of '97, has been located at a small diner known for their "fish and chips" just outside of Jerkville, Utah.

Unfortunately for all involved, Skoonch didn't make it through.

Skoonch

"The first officer on scene was Officer D. Morris. As soon as he noticed Skoonch laying under that tractor-trailer, he knew he had been Steven'd by a group of local drug addicted Stevens. Unfortunately, its become all too common around these parts." - onlooker Jerry Fudge

After being Steven'd, Skoonch was run over by a tractor-trailer and almost completely eaten by the rabid, cannibal Stevens.

Skoonch's remains (left hand) will be on display for the next 12 months in the 31st floor womens' restroom.

- Staff Correspondent DeeDee DooDooDee

Durly the clown added to team

Current clown roster
[Season begins July 1]

Feathers the clown - 2B
Durly the clown - RF

clown (apricot) - SS
Stan Boomf the clown - 1B
Clown! - CF
Meredith Brownlee the clown - LF
Puddles the clown - 3B
clown (seedless grape) - C
Jerome Paulsen the clown - INF
Didier the clown - OF
clown (oak tree) - SP
that clown over there - SP
Dr. Crugg the clown - SP
the round clown of rebound - SP
retired clown Henry Gibbs the clown - RP
Oscar Rainbow the clown (1987-2019) - RP

Farley Flumf - HIRED

Farley Flumf, longtime idiot over at that stupid blog Id Like To Change Some Classes, has been hired. Flumf will take over as Staff Moron, replacing long-time moron Bobby Feathers.

Flumf

Those with "inside" knowledge of the hire believe that Flumf will be dead within an hour.

Stay tuned for more episodes of "Who's Flumf?" every hour on the hour here at Hey Jerk TV.

- Staff Moron Bobby Feathers

New staff announced

Several new staff members were added Sunday morning, including staff vice president Kiki Leech,

who arrived by wheat bread boat just a few hours ago.

Also hired:

Emissions: bacon bits trucks
Jenna Plunk

Couch - 44th floor lounge
Dimes/nickels: Gladys Marbury

Hair, etc: Warren Wayshore

Pointing at rain drops (summer), snow (winter)
Gwen Crugg

Earlobe
Wei Sui-Bing

Human-to-blueberry transition
Timothy Ash

Envelope-related paper cuts/sealing envelopes
Horace Stanton Jr.

New president named

In somewhat stunning news, and despite his ongoing penguin abduction trial, Harold "Harry" Vulk was named new staff president late Monday.

Vulk, a former linebacker for the semi-professional Clarkston Enchiladas, was found with more than 20 penguins - a class C felony in the great state of Iowa - last weekend. The trial, dubbed "Vulk v penguin appreciation society", continues at Crugg County Courthouse this week.

Vulk's brother, Marcel, issued a statement on behalf of the Vulk family, the Torkelson family and former Family Feud contestant Edith Granch:

"Harry never hurt a penguin, except for possibly the penguins he is charged with hurting, namely Benny the penguin, who is missing one of his feet. We'll fight this, Benny and I, until Harry is brought to justice, or the Highway 20 Burger King (Shadeed)."

Several former pigeon colleagues have come to Vulk's defense, including Paul the Pigeon, who would never hurt a penguin.

"That's not entirely true," said Paul.


- Staff correspondent T.R. Jogg

Rare photo of Aldo Puckett discovered

Red Shorts Start War Against Morris

A pair of red shorts (Melvin) abandoned by Lieutenant Derwood Morris have decided to wage war, according to Staff War Correspondent Melvin Manipples.

Melvin

Staff President Oscar Q. Rainbow immediately pledged his full financial and military support to the operation.

"Morris must be found, trialed, and murdered as quickly as possible." - Oscar Rainbow

Upon learning of the plight of the red shorts (Melvin), Rainbow also appointed Melvin as Staff Derwood Morris assassin.

Melvin can be found in the 4th floor east wing sitting right outside of the office of Ed Xomcheese (deceased).

- Staff Correspondent Doowoo Woodee

Dr. Michael Kay Offed

Staff Doctor Michael W. Kay has been offed, according to a Louise with a nose in the investigation.

Michael Kay (DEAD)

Dr. Kay was well known around HQ for his love of mountain lions and his efficiency at peeing into a small hole he carved in his 47th floor east desk.

Butthole Simon is being held without bond for the murder of Dr. Kay. All that is known publicly is that a Horace was involved.

Rico Fletcher will take over as Staff Doctor.

- Staff Correspondent DooDee DooDoo

Latest reviews in

The latest reviews for the site (updated January, 1945):

"The Southeastern corner of the state of Georgia's answer to the Detroit Free Press."

- Detroit Free Press

"It's on par with Newsweek magazine."

- Andy Berberry

"This century's Lady, Get Away From My Mailbox!"

- New York Times food section

"I really, really, really liked it. Really. I did. I liked it."

- anonymous

"I told you several times when you first walked in here that I didn't want to be interviewed."

- Sandra Bennet, owner of Sandra's Sandals & Sandcastles (sandrassandalsandsandcastles.com)

"Last century's Sir! I Think You're a Little Too Close to my Hydrangeas."

New York Times leisure section

Dustin Durly Killed

"All Hail his ultimacy, Oscar Rainbow!" - Nort Fong

"All Hail!" - Nort Fong Jr.

"Who?" - Bob Feathers

Swift and immediate retribution was made today when Dustin Durly, 39th editor of Hey Jerk Magazine, was slain.

Durly (DEAD)

"I did it." - Nort Fong

Durly was found decapitated at his 3rd floor cubicle. His head was found perched in the 89th floor women's restroom.

"He was a good looking man - its a shame. I saw him there as I evacuated my bowels, and quite honestly became aroused!" - Norma Zest - Accounting

Durly has been named the 17th Dead Editor in Hey Jerk history by President Rainbow. He will oversee all dead person related posts.

- Staff Correspondent Doodoo Deedee

Durly hired

Dustin Durly was named the 39th editor in Hey Jerk history Thursday morning.

Durly, the son of Dwayne Durly, grandson of Helmet, granddaughter of Felicia, neighbor of Greg Jensen, great-great grandson of Darren Sr., produce salesman from 1978-1991 at Paymorenow Grocers in his hometown of Klank County, son of Ulysses Crugg, aunt to Bethany and Jeannete Durly, map of Colorado side of Route 11 salesman to Iris Leech, teammate of defenseman Brian Leetch, Henry Blub impersonator, father of Mitch Durly, uncle to Benjamin, Nadine, Raj, Clifford Jr. and Francine, pediatrician to the Gluber Sisters, great-aunt to Beatrice and Lyle Durly, district attorney during the trial of Mitchell "The Shoelace Napper" Durly (June, 2009), brother-in-law to houseplant 5, and editor-in-chief at Time magazine (1948-present), Durly's main project will be the construction of the Capolo Street Bridge.

Durly's hamster, Bruce, was unfortunately eaten late Wednesday.

Fong Brought On as Chief of Staff

Norton (Nort) Fong, long time fan and frog genitalia enthusiast, has finally been coerced (kidnapped) into accepting a position at The Jerk. Fong takes over the "show" and will run the site's day-to-day operations as Oscar Rainbow's Chief of Staff.

Fong

Fong - who apparently has hair coming out of his rear end and no discernible "body", will be seated under Oscar Rainbow's desk in his penthouse office space. 

When asked about the potential foot odor situation brewing underneath Rainbow's desk, Fong replied "Mmmm hmmmm, mmmm hmmmm."

Fong begins immediately, and it is believed he has his eyes on the Staff Presidency.

- Staff Contributor Wob Woo

Blodnik hired

Wade Blodnik, the first banana man to in earth's history, has been hired as Wade Supervisor.

Blodnik takes over for Wade Gedshore, who was fired late Friday for misidentifying a Corey as a Wade, and for eating an elephant while wearing a Denver Broncos helmet, which is a class 3 felony in the state of Oklahoma.

Blodnik will take over in storage space B, formerly occupied by ant, 33.

"He's been a contributing citizen for years, so, he deserves a shot at this," said Blodnik's linguine over-eaters anonymous sponsor Capolo Henderson Jr.

Blodnik's leg, Andjuar, declined comment.

Rare photo found of Rico Yetz IV found

Feathers the Clown Set on Fire; Deceased

Feathers the Clown has been killed.

Feathers' arrival scared many of HJ "staffers" to the point that he only lasted 4 minutes on "campus".

He was then doused with lighter fluid while sitting in his cubicle on the west wing of the 77th floor, and lit on fire when Oscar Rainbow flicked the remains of his cigarette in his general facility.

The clown was immediately reduced to nothing more than a small globule.

So long, Feathers. The ride was real.

- Staff Correspondent Terry Terrance

Events

Feathers the Clown

Coming soon to a town near you

Monday evening MahMoud

Lavelle MahMoud
Age: 480 in antelope years
Noses: Carlton, Jane, little Lavelle
Favorite pro basketball team: 1952 Syracuse Nationals
Pieces of bread in his right pants pocket (as of May 10): 7
Charity organizations affiliated with: F.T.T. (Feed the Toasters)
Youth soccer jersey number: never played

Rainbow's Back - Takes Over

Oscar Rainbow has finally made his return.

After years of speculation on his whereabouts, he simply drove up to HJ HQ yesterday evening in his new 2019 Toyota Corolla (Red). Upon his arrival, current (former) Staff President Yolanda Fimply was seen retreated into the woods with what looked like some "brown" marks on her undergarments.

Fimply (Missing)

In light of these events, Rainbow has proclaimed himself the 33rd Staff President in HJ history (his 14th term as President).

Rainbow (Staff President)

Not surprisingly, Rainbow was quick to name his new Vice President - Nolan Pelcher. 

"Pelcher's got what it takes." - Rainbow

Nolan Pelcher (Vice President)

The Rainbow/Pelcher administration's first move (after taking over the entire east wing of HQ), was to take care of new Staff Idiot Wozzlo. 

Wozzlo (Placed in Blender - DEAD)

Fortunately, Wozzlo was able to be turned into a delicious smoothie, which was shared by Dr. Rainbow and his new hit-man, Nolan Pelcher. 

Please accept the reign of Oscar Rainbow, as any detractors will be immediately killed and eaten. 

- Staff Correspondent Bill Ogg

Dozens of new staff announced

New staff members added Monday morning:

Raisin-on-salad removal

Hernan Paul-Gomez

Pointing at ant hills
Nolan Pelcher

Squirrel attorneys
Vanessa Gooch
CC Zandermeer

Emissions - potato trucks
Polly Kuppa
Vance Kuppa

Human-to-raspberry transition
Evelyn Ash

Pecans
Lanette Wickersley

Blouse family representatives
Beatrice Blouse
Bobo Blouse

Carl retrieval
Wozzlo

Dennis Durly Preservation Society
President: Claire Durly
Treasurer: Hollis Macheskie

Cut man (ear)
Little Paulie

Dandelion pizza chef
Ky Limosa

"thumbs up" coordinator (Mon-Wed)
Maurice Leake

Burt Self impersonator
Wallace Renaldo

Patti Plink '20 campaign manager
Izzy Delburton

Derr III out as president/not alive anymore

Ed Fimply Killed

Ed Fimply, the first known photo-person (and also Staff Octopus) in HJ history, has been killed.

Fimply (DEAD)

While the cause of death has been listed as "pending" the results of an autopsy report, it is widely known that Ed Fimply was offed by the original "Bad-ass", Oscar Rainbow.

"Rainbow Lives" - Oscar Rainbow

- Staff Correspondent Marty Fugg

Rare photo of Edward Fimply found

Photograph provided by the Fimply Preservation Society, Nashville, TN

Him hired

Bunker 14 - Longtime celery map salesman Hin Him has been hired as staff Boris Klupcheck, pending a Monday morning mustard stain search.

Him, who is missing the front part of his nose, has one eyebrow which is not attached to his face and continues to live with just one leg despite being at the top of the exclusive Need A Leg? Call Me, Leonard Legget list, will occupy bunker 14 until his personalized yogurt room is finished.

"We've got four more gallons of yogurt due to arrive Thursday afternoon, then we can finish the room, and finally have our promised yogurt lunch break," said Hey Jerk construction foreman Pal Fimply Jr.

Accountant Marv, who lives hanging off of Him's lone ear, was hired as a staff accountant on a temporary basis, replacing Griffin Pepano, who was eaten by a giraffe.

Oneonta baseball organization: full teams announced

In preparation for the upcoming season, the Oneonta semi-professional baseball franchise has announced full rosters for all levels.

Oneonta Catfish

Manager: Gus Wheat ('47)

Bench coach: sandal

SP - Joey Mags

SP - Yip Clemente

SP - the former Ulysses Crugg

SP - Candace Batch

RP - Bob Bung

1B - Sir Grayson Gleech

2B - Paco

SS - Franco Zengal

3B - Ernie Bronco

RF - Amanda Mandana

CF - Saul Bung

LF - Chi Chi Rodriguez (golfer)

C - Neck

Hiawassee Slush (AA)

Manager: Arnold Pepper
**CORRECTION**: Arn Pepper fired/killed August '18. Current Manager: Billy the Mule

Bench coach: sour cream container lid

SP: Rhonda Everett

SP: goldfish

SP: Mo Foxwebber 

SP: Ms. Janet Otto

RP: No Ears 

1B: Petey Bongo-Bango

2B: Iris Snell (3'6)

SS: Iba Snell (3'8)

3B: pot of Hazelnut blend coffee

RF: Tanya Taco

CF: Ernie Bronco Jr.

LF: Sandeep Nanu

C: Cabbage

Blacksburg Bluejays (A)

Manager: Gak Ooo-Pong

Bench coach: July 8, 1997 issue of the Cleveland Plain Dealer

SP: Sara Ohtayg

SP: Connie The Brick

SP: Lefty McMurtry (RHP)

SP: salad

RP: Darius Kipp

RP: "handlebar mustache" - anonymous

1B: Jo he-jo Pong

2B: Brian Roberts

SS: Manuel Zeckle

3B: leaf pile

RF: Clarke Wickander

CF: Tatiana Boz

LF: Bobby F.

C: drawing of Belinda Carlisle