October 31, 2011

Sazzle Arrested

Mort's Hardware Lions reliever Bobby Sazzle was arrested Wednesday evening for public disturbance. Sazzle, who was a 2010 Gafreda County All-Star for the Nottingham Noodles but was traded for a bag of chocolate-covered cherries to Mort's Hardware in February, was brought into police custody after Sgt. Ernie Veltz had to be called to the 31-year old's two-story refrigerator box.

"Mr. Sazzle was screaming profanity at his goldfish, who he claimed was called "Uncle Amos", and was without pants when I asked him to calm down," Veltz said. "He refused and began to reenact the battle of lettuce mountain, which he said was 'the key scene' of a play he starred in in the 40s. I apprehended the suspect and placed him in the squad car and I believe he relieved himself on the back seat."

Lions' owner Herbert Landover II declined comment.

October 30, 2011

Hired: Igor Olshansky

Staff Kory Ashirmen

Gahoo on the Run

Alfredo Gahoo, self anointed "President of the Earth" and multi-trillionaire, has been charged with selling counterfeit merchandise and has fled the country. He is now to be considered "on the lam."

Gahoo



Gahoo, who's recent attempted sale of a Jason Bay autographed baseball card has been discovered to be a falsification (Actual signature is of one Randall Pepano), is widely known for his modeling spreads he did in the late 80's for Calvin Klein. It is believed that Gahoo is making his way towards Europe, either by boat or foot.

If you happen to locate Dr. Gahoo, please remain calm and begin reciting "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.

Gahoo Bio

Name: Alfredo Gary Gahoo
DOB: 1-1-1901
Height: 3'9"
Weight: 4200 lbs (appr.)
Partner: Wendellberry Gahoo
Comments: Likes rectal warts and cabbage flinging tournaments, dislikes the Sun. Once attempted to travel to the Sun and take over by force, was thwarted when his friend Henry told him that the Sun said sorry.

- Staff Odor Warren Lump

Rare autographed card for sale

Jason Bay 2011 Topps



Asking price: 6 thumb tacks
Email Alfredo at alfredogahoo@gmail.com

"It's a Buckles!"



The title of this post was a quote taken from page 17 of the playbill for the new off-Garyway play "In Sawdust, We Pray" about lead actor Rory Buckles.


FEATHERSTOWN, 6:42 p.m. WST - The Jerk is proud to announce Buckles, along with family members Herman, B'Shontavian, Herman Jr., Ellis, Yolanda, Zybo9, Xavier III., Mariah, Purpitch, Wallace Genovese, Qwurner, Ellis Jr., and Chubby Carl have arrived at headquarters and will be occupying the 9th floor broom closet during the month of November.

Please claim your banana peel head dresses before the end of the day on October 31.



[NOTE: On Wednesdays, Rory Buckles will be referred to as Lyle Migliaccio].

October 27, 2011

Zybo9 Arrives



Staff Assistant Alien

October 26, 2011

Wednesday cancellations

* Fimply Bowling League

6:00 p.m. Herman Valley vs. The Bumpers, moved to November 3
7:30 p.m. Pepano, Jeltz & Ruso Law Office vs. Team 4, postponed (urinal door fire)

* Mustard Wars, NE Regional - cancelled
* Pointing/laughing at Marvin Percy - October 28 at 8:30 p.m.

Hey Jerk Wednesday Afternoon Gary



Gary Gygax

(GAH-ree GUY-gacks)

Hey Jerk Recipes

*Forehead & Sideburns Soup

- 8 ounces of Barry (or Harry) forehead skin
- 2 onions
- 1 stalk of celery (green)
- 4 Samanthas
- Between 55-60 sideburns
- 2 cups infant saliva
- 32 can chicken broth
- 1 can possum tails
- 6 paper clips

First, set forehead skin and sideburns aside. Next, chop onions and celery into small pieces and place in separate bowl. Bake Samanthas at 400 degrees for 15 minutes, then in a sauce pan boil saliva with possum tails. Place all ingredients in broth, boil for 45 minutes. When simmering, add forehead skin, sideburns and paper clips. Serve in Brandon Larson's toupee.


* Old Penlow family recipe

Quote of the Day - Kellen Bixley

"There was a meeting once, and he lifted a leg and an odor ended up developing. And then he made like an 'I just beefed' face, like a kid would make. You know what little kid face I'm talking about."

Benny Wu: Hired

Former HJ name of the day, Benjamin "Benny" Wu, has been hired as Staff Murderer.

Wu



Wu, famous for single handedly eliminating the entire Pepano family, will be responsible for all murders of staff members and innocent civilians. Wu is also taking over the Oberman investigation, as Staff President Fat Neck Glenn thinks a new set of eyes could be valuable.

Glenn remarked: "We've exhaused every mean we have at this time - Wu gives us a new perspective. I trust that he will get the job done and bring Oberman to justice, and death. We will then celebrate by having a group fecalation ceremony on Oberman's remains."

Wu Bio

Name: Benjamin Ralph Wu
DOB: 3-9-07
Height: 4"
Weight: Unknown
Partner: Hannibal Wu-Xomcheese
Experience: 1908-1979 - Staff Death Guy - oscarrainbow.blogspot.com
Comments: Loves midnight trips to jupiter, hates Oscar Rainbow and Robert Feathers

- Staff Wu Man Warren Lump

October 25, 2011

Rare autographed card for sale

Dave Bush 2009 Topps card




$.15 or best offer
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

HJ Name of the Day

Benjamin Wu

[BEN-JUH-MIN WU]


Staff Elevator Hired

George Bipley, formerly Aaron Ballspeed, has been brought on as Staff Elevator.

Bipley



Bipley has over 50 years experience in the elevator industry, and once molested a striped bass.

Bipley Bio

Name: George Philibuster Bipley
Sex: M
Height: Unknown
Weight: 1,445 lbs.
Feet: yes
Hair: hidden
Partner: Walt Bipley III
Comments: Loves crop-dusting around children's playgrounds and watching reactions; dislikes walrus's and Robert Feathers.

Please discontinue use of the lobby elevators and use Mr. Bipley for all cross-floor transfers.

- Warren Lump

October 24, 2011

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Percy Werlitz

[PER-C WER-LITS]

Ballspeed Passes On



Herman Ballspeed, younger brother of staff Ballspeed, Ricky, has died of desk lamp overdose. The 53-year old former eyebrow model was having a lamp on his lunch break when he ate too much and passed away.

Thousands were saddened by Herman's death, but only these three people were available:

"I didn't like the man when he was Larry Benson, and I don't like him now."


- Vanessa Ballspeed, sister

"Who? Never heard of him."


- Dr. Emmit Pinndle

"If I told him Darren, I told him Wendell times: the lamp goes in cord first. But the kid played by his own rules. Unfortunately, this time the lamp won. So I guess the final score is Desk Lamp 1, Herman 0, Cheese Pile 7."


- Anonymous

Herman's funeral is scheduled for October 27, but in 2017.

October 23, 2011

Mensh Barkley: R.I.W.

Mensh Barkley died early Tuesday morning. His closest neighbor spoke at the funeral. Here's the eulogy in its entirety, except for the parts that are not included.


"I knew Mensh, maybe better than anyone, but probably not better than that guy sitting over there. He was a champion bobsledder, but he never bobsledded. Grew two kids in his garden-K'Peen and Dossandra-and bought a wife at a Chevron, Doot, who ate a sled full of hotdogs in 1943 and lived, then died.

Just to clear some things up, this is the official runaway train story: it was June 5, 1977. Mensh throws a stapler at a train while shouting profanities in his native Portuguese. Train flattens Mensh. Not dead, but oddly missing his dungarees. And his legs.

Humiliated by his father's refusal to have his own legs, K'Peen, took his own life in a vat of diet cola in 1998. I'll remember Mensh for his brown hair, and I'm afraid I can't think of anything else."

October 21, 2011

New Show To Star Ernest Bly

Hey Jerk TV, in conjunction with that guy sitting over there with the yellow shirt on, has announced a new reality television show to debut in early-November. The show, tentatively titled "The Blys: A Look Inside Their Noses", will follow the day-to-day lives of the Bly family, namely Ernest Bly, his wife, Eleanor and their three illegitimate plums.


Ernest Bly

The show will also tackle a number of Bly family issues, including:

1. Why did Ernest attack a spider with a toothbrush on the night of October 8?
2. Who is Carlton Bursonavich and why is he paying rent to sleep in the Bly's bathtub?
3. The artichoke fight from last Thanksgiving and the chances of it happening again this year.
4. What happened to Grandpa Bly's pants?

The pilot is scheduled to air on HJTV November 6 at 8:00 p.m. Special guest stars expected to appear in the pilot include the guy from the alien movie with the mustache and Harvey Klinger, half man-half banana pepper.

October 19, 2011

Xomcheese Returns, Insane

Edward Xomcheese, longtime editor and fan favorite here at The Jerk, has returned. Upon hearing of the rumors that he had gone missing, Xomcheese returned with a vengeance.

Xomcheese


Xomcheese released the following statement through his spokesman, Bob Brenly:

"I did not, despite reports to the contrary, EVER go missing. I simply chose a rebirth. I have traveled the world wide, from the United States to Canada, and have come back a man on a mission. That mission? To eliminate this blog from within. I will infiltrate. I will infest. I will destroy. Not one will survive, not even Glenn.

All of you remember me as the gracious Ed Xomcheese-harmless, kind, poo-giving. That Xomcheese is no more. My name is now Eddie Xomcheese The Great - and you will all suffer my wrath."

Authorities have been called.

- Staff Xomcheese Man Warren Lump

October 18, 2011

The Schmuliks: A Portrait




** Staff photo: Herman Bunson
** Work commissioned by Jerry the Canary

October 17, 2011

Xomcheese Missing

Staff editor Edward Xomcheese has reportedly gone missing, according to a guy sitting over there next to that other guy. Xomcheese was put on suspension for lettuce evasion for the entire month of June and when he returned an armadillo was growing in his hair. Though he did contribute to several breaking stories including Capolo Tinkled Himself Again (August 22, 2011) and News Story, Part 6 (September 8, 2011), Xomcheese went missing on several occasions in early October and Jerk officials feel the latest incident could signal the end of the 53-year old's tenure.

Xomcheese's lawyer, tractor, declined comment.

Ballspeed: Hired

Richardson (Ricky) "Moondance" Ballspeed has been hired, according to Staff Moron Oscar Rainbow. Ballspeed is set to take on the role of Staff Ballspeed - chiefly responsible for recruiting or executing more Ballspeeds.

Moondance


Ballspeed, commonly mistaken for a coffee-pot with legs, has "had enough with the almond situation" around HQ, and will look to immediately recruit more Ballspeeds to deal with that and other "issues that need to be taken care of" around the office.

Ballspeed is famous for his cover photo on the Walnut Times (September, 1967), which he received for being voted the "Man of the Millennium - 1000 - 2000 A.D."

- Staff Walrus Fimby Fu

The Ronaldos Announce "Universe Tour"

The Ronaldos



Ber Ronaldo - vocals, rhythm guitar, corn on the cob
Wikkits Ronaldo - drums, spatula, background vocals


2011 Tour

October 21 - Mud Pit, Capolotown
October 22 - above-ground pool, Paul's Pools-aisle 7
October 26 - Pluto
November 2 - The Tinkle, Feathers Village
November 4 - over there somewhere
November 9 - Highway 19, Exit 6 off-ramp
November 14 - Mustards, Mejitoville
November 15 - The Smiling Racoon, Ulandis City
November 23 - Balbonis, Cooper Valley
November 30 - the bed of Vince Paddock's truck
December 4 - Pisos, Pisotown
December 7 - Runway 11, Feathers International Airport
December 23 - North Pole
December 31 - Poopys, Sandwichville

October 16, 2011

Sunday cancellations

* Adult softball, H League: Capolo Valley at Team 4, Pete's Paints at Meatballers B Team - postponed, makeup date October 23
* Walnut fight at Xomcheese Fairgounds moved to 5:00 p.m.
* Paint Cans On Ice: matinees cancelled

October 15, 2011

New Lump Falls Down, Gets Up



7:52 p.m. GST - Elias Lump fell down, and a few seconds later got up and walked over there, according to an area underneath a couch with corn chip crumbs of the situation. It's the sixth such instance of Lump falling and shortly after doing other things since the 44-year old arrived in hamburger sandals Friday morning.

Harry, a potato with Verne Swenson's ears, declined comment.

- Lump correspondent (Northeast) Nettles Chur

October 14, 2011

Zecko Hired



Claude Zecko
Staff Claude

Previous work experience: none
Military history: fought in the Many Zeckos War, wounded by sandpaper (January, 1962)
Favorite professional basketball player: Derrick "Moonshuffle" Nakeel
Family history: married an easter egg (April, 2001), divorced (June, 2001)

Favorite books:

1. "The Smells I Smell" by Boris Yumchee
2. "Famous Grass Clump Fights" Ed. Mick Standridge
3. "I'm OK, You Have an Odor Problem" by Deloris Leonard

Life goals: "eggplant-related" - Bernice McNicholson


Referral: Queh Employment Search Group, copyright 2011

HJ Obituary: Garrett Queh, Bird Enthusast

Garrett Queh, one of the last remaining Queh's on the planet, died this morning in what is being referred to as "ripping his arms and legs off and laughing while he bled to death."

Queh (DEAD)


Garrett will be remembered for his sense of humor, penchant for poem writing, and being gay.

RIP Garrett Queh

- Warren Lump

First wave of peanutshellbirds land at HQ

What is believed to be the first of many groups of peanutshellbirds landed at Hey Jerk headquarters Friday morning. The birds, from the outskirts of Derwood Manor, the fishing port popularized in the 1970s novels of Helmet Proctor, are irritable and are demanding mailboxes for shelter from the sun and to recharge their battery packs.

Jerk photographer Garrit Queh, the last remaining decedent of the Queh family, captured two of the birds descending on HQ at approximately 7:15 a.m. GST.

October 13, 2011

Thursday Afternoon Death Report

Fenton Picklesby is no longer with us on this planet. He has moved on to the next phase.

Picklesby (DEAD)



Picklesby, well known for his long standing position against Random Acts of Alberts (RAA), and his penchant for eating Nascar drivers that place lower than 14th overall in the "Chase" each year, has passed on. Early reports indicate that Picklesby was attempting to eat Kyle Busch, when he realized that Busch had an anti-Picklesby missile attached to his person and armed. Picklesby attempted to flee but by then it was far too late. Picklesby's remains are currently being gathered from around the globe so that a proper burial with fecal can ensue.

Please join us in saying goodbye to Fenton.

- Staff Fenton Man Randolph Lump

October 12, 2011

President Glenn Makes "State of the Jerk" Address

Once a year, or "annually," the President of The Jerk makes his State of the Jerk address to a crowd of insane, substantially odorous onlookers. This year, President Rodney Glenn did the same, as outlined below.

Glenn



Date: October 10, 2011
Location: Hey Jerk Combines (Sight of the 2012 HJ Draft)
Attendance: 14,980,300 (Est.)
Gary: N/A

Transcript of speech:

"Greetings. My name is Fat-Neck Glenn, esteemed leader of this corporation. You, as shareholders, are a vital cog in our path to success. You're valuable contributions keep us moving in the right direction, and for that, I am grateful to each and every one of you.

That said, I think you all stink. I have been murdered, hired, murdered and hired again in my attempts to 'right this ship.' I have been shown little appreciation except for the fact that I will most likely be murdered again sometime soon. For this, I despise all of you, and wish you all slow and painful demises.

On to the meat of this address. We have several topics we wish to discuss today, including Ross Oberman, our editorial situation, Chuck Frozengard, Heinrich Capeetle, and the current financial state of our company. We will begin with what is now being referred to as "The Oberman Saga." When I came onboard, I made a promise to take care of the death threatening lunatic that has become a thorn in the side of The Jerk. I severely underestimated the man, and subsequently many have died and he remains nearly invisible to us. On this subject, I'd like to say that I plan an all out assault on the Oberman Foundation, and will not sleep until he is found. In spite of this, I am not confident I will find him before he kills several more of you. Those are the breaks.

As far as our editors, Capolo, Rainbow, and Estelle are concerned - I think we are in fairly good hands here. Capolo has once again escaped to sea, but we expect him back in a matter of months. In the meantime, we are in the very capable albeit insane hands of Oscar Rainbow. When I notified Rainbow of his new leadership role, he embraced the opportunity, and remarked 'Poopy for all!' I expect nothing short of another trip to the bin for Rainbow, this time perhaps finally resulting in his death.

Frozengard - well, what can I say about the man that hasn't already been said. We thought we were rid of him, and again, he returned. We put him in the dungeon to await assassination, and yet he lives. He is now due in mid-November with Steven Balboni's love child. I'm afraid that the disaster that is Charles Frozengard may be unavoidable, and is most likely here to stay, despite the many gary's made by the staff.

As far as Heinrich Capeetle - well, this isn't an easy topic to approach. Heinrich was a beloved part of my life for decades. We spent lonely evenings together, took strolls on the beach. We routinely watched the sunrise while fornicating to the sounds of Lionel Richie. Heinrich's departure from my life has left me with a hole in my heart - or my paper bag - that I long to have filled. When I murdered Heinrich this time last week, I decided that engulfing him in flames and laughing manically as he turned to ashes was the right thing for the economy. But now I am left alone, and I will begin seeking a new mate - one to spend the rest of my days with. You will all be informed of the raffle.

And finally, our financial outlook has never been more grim. Without the $7mil US that Frozengard was providing us each year, we have hit the red. And we have hit it hard. I have formed a task force to address our financial struggles and to lead us into the next millennium. Lead by Cleveland Booby and Pal Fimply, this squad will quickly and resolutely put an end to our financial troubles, and leave you, the shareholders, confident in the direction in which this great establishment is headed. Expect updates on this in the near future.

To close - goodbye. "

October 11, 2011

Kafelnik Found

Delicious news out of the 8th floor janitorial closet at headquarters as Boris Kafelnik was found with spaghetti in his pants Tuesday morning. It's the third instance of Pasta Pants™ in the last month for the troubled ex-dolphin, who came to this country in 2005 with a dream to free all microwaves from H.A.P. (home appliance persecution).

Kafelnik's lawyer, Otto Lesper, declined underwear.

October 10, 2011

Lumpdate - 9:01 p.m.

William Lump, younger brother of recently-hired and soon-to-be fired Warren, has been released from Quinkley Asylum. According to a desk that held the 42-year old's discharge papers (and a pencil named Gil), William, who starred at wide receiver for the 2002 Hey Jerk Bison football team that went 3-11 under head coach, burrito, is expected to ride his pet refrigerator-on-wheels, Roger into town by the end of the week.

The front door at headquarters is stationery and considered worried.


- Lumpdate Staff

Celery Man Finally Here




* Details available at celerymanhasarrived.blogspot.com *

October 9, 2011

Oberman Spotted Yet Escapes, Again

Ross Oberman has been spotted by the local Uruguagian Gary Foundation (UGF). He apparently is in disguise once again, and at this point authorities are unsure as to whether or not they will ever be able to catch the increasingly cunning Dr. Oberman.

Oberman (In Uruguay)


Upon being located, Oberman threw a piece of note paper on the ground and sped off in his bright yellow Lamborghini. The note read the following:

"You will never catch me. I am smarter, faster, and more intelligent than you. In addition to that, I have gas. And while I'm at it, I'd like to issue a death threat to Oscar Rainbow, Editor at The Jerk and internationally renowned idiot. Your reign of gary is over, Rainbow. You've picked your last coolie."

Oberman is now missing once again. Any tips can be sent to FindRossOberman@obermanfoundation.com.

-Staff Lump Warren Lump

Jerk Makes Influential Hire



A new era has begun at the Jerk as a Staff Wayne Tolleson has finally been hired. Warren Lump, who on more than one occasion has been mistaken for a giant piece of chewed bubblegum with neckarms, was hired Sunday afternoon. Lump, who arrived from the planet Mushroom with "homicidal thoughts" (Zellichtown Register, 9/27/11) recently found "God", a graham cracker underneath Boris Wilson's living room couch, and has devoted his life to peace and understanding. And taco shell ear muffs.

Lump also ate a mouse in 1988, which single-handily helped Norway to gold in the Olympic games. He is reportedly at odds with several staff members, including Charles Frozengard and staff editor Oscar Rainbow.

Balboni Returns

Staff Steve Balboni Steve Balboni, last seen in early May falling off the roof of HQ, wandered back to HQ this morning, completely naked.

Balboni



Balboni, known around HQ for his monsterous doodies and missing underwear, was not welcomed back into HQ. Instead, he was thrown into the dungeon with Chuck Frozengard, who escaped assassination this AM when he flung fecal at the guardsmen, permanently blinding him.

Balboni and Christensen have since fornicated, resulting in a Frozengard pregnancy. Please check back in the coming days for updates on the coming child.

- Staff Balboni man Warren Lump

October 8, 2011

Frozengard Finds Way Through Woods, Back to HQ

Frozengard has been spotted.

"He's back."

That was what Staff President Rodney Glenn had to say after hearing of the arrival. Frozengard, according to associated press reports, has apparently been undercover in Chile attempting to hunt down the famous Acorn Murderer. He was unsuccessful, however, and returned to HQ while attempting to pick his nose.

Frozengard



Frozengard will not be hired, but instead will be assassinated at first light tomorrow. He is currently locked in HJ dungeon.

- Staff Frozengard Man Bilbo Binkley

October 4, 2011

Zax Dead

Troubled ex-giraffe Grongo Zax has passed on to Grongoland, according to a photograph of a woman named Samantha. Zax wandered into Piso Forest early Tuesday morning and declared war on an oak tree, then, like so many Zax before him, removed his dungarees and defeated himself in a grass-eating contest.

[Final contest totals:

Zax 336 blades
Zax 319 blades
Chipmunk DQ]

The 42-year old, who could wave to a pigeon in his sleep, is survived by a paper cup of sawdust. Funeral services were never scheduled due to lack of Sal Delmonico.