December 20, 2013

New coach speaks to media

New Hey Jerk B'Bison basketball coach Chonnie Jingaroot spoke with assembled media members Friday about a number of topics, including his hopes for new 7'5 Zengaleize import Marvin Q-Zinn, who averaged 38.2 points for the Zengaleize National Team from 1978-2012.

On Zinn:

"He's got the potential to be something special. You don't average almost 40 points a game over a 34-year span in Zengal without having some talent. We're going to put him at the 5 and see what he can do. But first, he has to finish that roast beef sandwich."













Zinn (Photo courtesy of the ZBL, 1999)

On the back court situation:

"Right now we're going to go with the guys we've got. Spinny McNichols and Easterbasket Gintley had their moments last season and they also struggled at times, but we're confident in those two. Our depth is a bit of an issue right now because we can't seem to locate D'Shawnshay Laddimore. He was here a minute ago."

On his first month as a head coach:

"It's been a huge learning experience, but an exciting time for me and my family. Of muskrats."

On the league switching to the Giganticball:

"I think it took some getting used to, because it's so gigantic. Peechon Bradley was working out with the other forwards and caught a pass first day of practice and it nearly killed him. Of course, he is only about a foot and a half tall and weighs 15 or so pounds."

On his acquittal in November's grand theft wheat bread trials:

"I had a wheat bread problem in the 1980s and I'm now 23 years Zober. I didn't steal any wheat bread in October, and it feels great to be vindicated. And that post-trial bowl of Grandma Mayes's Chicken Soup? It tasted like freedom. And grandma feet."

On his prediction for the 2013-2014 season:

"It's tough to make predictions because there are so many things that go on over the course of a season: guys make shots, they miss shots, they get shot. 219 games is a long season, so we're going to take it one second at a time. Except for 15 seconds on May 12th, we're skipping those seconds."

December 10, 2013

Voomf Vomphy Found

Voomf Clarence-Ted Vomphy has been located after a decade long intercontinental search.

Vomphy

Bio

Name: Voomf Clarence-Theodore Roskowitz-Vomphy Jr.
DOB: 1-8-31
Ethnicity: N/A
Hole in head: Yes
Eyes: 4
Partner: Alan Vomphy (Deceased); Hector the Mule (Present)
Comments: Dislikes Bob Feathers, once murdered a chipmunk (Ralphie Jr.) in order to win a bet for 4 cheetos; Placed 14th in Ostrich Hurdling competition - 1936 Olympic Games - won gold for Croatia



Vomphy was found in the southern part of Africa, living under the assumed name of Berwood Forris. He was peddling signed photos of himself in the buff to blind children to make ends meet. Vomphy will be taken to HQ for questioning regarding the 1988 assassination attempt on Fat Neck Glenn.

Note to staff: Please do not make eye contact with the suspect; he is known to become enraged and nude when he suspects anyone looking at him directly. 

- Staff Mule Rhinoceros Jensen

**UPDATE**

Voomf Vomphy is dead.