Rainbow announces first staff member

After the surprise announcement of his presidency, Oscarensa Ulysses Rainbow III (Minneapolis) has begun assembling his new staff.

Rainbow, seen here berating a copy of The Complete Encyclopedia of Stitchery

named Amber Stiggs, longtime gum (wrapper) runner, as a cabinet member. Stiggs, 44 years, 119 days, will live in cabinet 7.

"Cabinet 7? Thanks for the free raisins," said a shrugging Stiggs, alluding to the nearly two-dozen unopened boxes of raisins from last November's Benefit Concert to Raise Awareness of Raisins.

Rainbow also named former PCCO quarterback Dez Buckley as a walnut intern, some say to keep the longtime pecan from signing with Oakland.

Staff President Hu Killed

Staff President Wesley Hu Jr. has been found dead in his office on 21 Fonkle Street.

Hu (DEAD)

Suprisingly, when removing Mr. Hu's remains, detectives located Oscar Rainbow, who had apparently been living under Mr. Hu's bear rug for just north of 10 years.

Rainbow (LOCATED)

Upon being found, Mr. Rainbow declared himself new Staff President.

Rainbow (Staff President)

As he was the individual who located Hu's desecrated remains, naturally, Bo Hunes has been appointed Staff Police Officer by President Rainbow, effective last July.

Bo Hunes (Staff Police Officer)

Hunes Bio

DOB: N/A
Height: 4'1"
Weight: 33 lbs
Shirt: Unknown
Partner: Dottie Voo-Crugg
Fecal Status: On-deck
Other: Enjoys parading around small repica's of skyscrapers, once ate seventeen (17) water buffalo over the course of one (1) hour










"As one reign comes to an end, another begins-" stated Rainbow upon self-proclaiming the Presidency, "And with my reign, change shall finally arrive at The Jerk."

Please join us for cake and coffee in the 41st floor West Gymnasium at 8 pm.

- Staff Correspondent Wilmont Crugg