Derr Returns, Named Staff President

Considered missing and therefore deceased for just north of 93 years, longtime Staff Idiot Footo Derr returned to HQ today.

Not surprisingly, his first order of business was to assassinate current (now former) Staff President Oscar Rainbow. 

Rainbow will remain on Derr's staff as Staff Q-Tip. 

"We got a lotta dirty ears around these parts!" - Staff President Footo Derr

Derr (President)

Derr Bio

Name: Footo Derr III

DOB: 1/1/1

Age: Unknown

Feet: One

Noses: Unknown

Partner: Crotcho Derr (Married 2004)

Children: 3; Asso, Butto, and Ballo

Likes: Tuna Fish on Rye, The Portland Trailblazers, Donkeys

Dislikes: Mules, Horses, The Cincinatti Bearcats, Ballo Derr

As President, Mr. Derr has closed off the entire 47th floor as "his office". 

"Anyone who attempts to enter the 47th floor will be killed on sight." - President Derr

Staff: please do not attempt to enter the 47th floor. 

Celebratory lime tosses can be thrown at Staff Peanut Winston Fu tonight outside HQ starting at 7 pm. Be sure to bring the kids along: 3 free tosses per child! (Adults: $14/toss)

UPDATE: Fu deceased after 4,957th lime pelting. Remains to remain on site. 

- Staff Correspondent Rocco Frompley

McGruder says goodbye at 131

Gibby McGruder
1883-1911, 1914-2018
Beloved by ant (Marcel, 9)
Father to one loaf of wheat

1989-90 Utah Jazz: 4.7 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 0.8 spg
1990-91 Utah Jazz: 1.8 ppg, 4.0 rpg
* Appeared in one playoff game, June, 1990 - 3 points (3-for-7 FT), 1 steal


Services Dec. 23, 4:30 p.m., include (1) malt beverage with hand stamp

Fartbug makes team

Breaking news out of the team's training camp at Fozzlo Community College as Bill Fartbug has earned a spot on the 111-man roster for the upcoming season. Fartbug, the first eight-legged creature to play professionally, was told he had made the team during the annual find-the-spaghetti-in-the-woods competition.

Fartbug will wear the same No. 12 he wore during his collegiate days when he starred at Unnamed College.

Fartbug is missing most of his head and eyeballs and eyebrows are attached, but coach Marty Waffle ('T' encyclopedia class of '88) doesn't think it will affect his performance.

"No, you're right, I don't think it will affect his performance," said Waffle, before taking one last sip of his diet ice cube.

Fartbug's asparagus tail could become a problem during the team's week 11 game against the Asparagus Eaters, who dominated the league a year ago in Total Asparagus Eaten & Total Asparagus Coveted.

Staff correspondent Denise Burpe contributed to this story

Rainbow announces first staff member

After the surprise announcement of his presidency, Oscarensa Ulysses Rainbow III (Minneapolis) has begun assembling his new staff.

Rainbow, seen here berating a copy of The Complete Encyclopedia of Stitchery

named Amber Stiggs, longtime gum (wrapper) runner, as a cabinet member. Stiggs, 44 years, 119 days, will live in cabinet 7.

"Cabinet 7? Thanks for the free raisins," said a shrugging Stiggs, alluding to the nearly two-dozen unopened boxes of raisins from last November's Benefit Concert to Raise Awareness of Raisins.

Rainbow also named former PCCO quarterback Dez Buckley as a walnut intern, some say to keep the longtime pecan from signing with Oakland.

Staff President Hu Killed

Staff President Wesley Hu Jr. has been found dead in his office on 21 Fonkle Street.

Hu (DEAD)

Suprisingly, when removing Mr. Hu's remains, detectives located Oscar Rainbow, who had apparently been living under Mr. Hu's bear rug for just north of 10 years.

Rainbow (LOCATED)

Upon being found, Mr. Rainbow declared himself new Staff President.

Rainbow (Staff President)

As he was the individual who located Hu's desecrated remains, naturally, Bo Hunes has been appointed Staff Police Officer by President Rainbow, effective last July.

Bo Hunes (Staff Police Officer)

Hunes Bio

DOB: N/A
Height: 4'1"
Weight: 33 lbs
Shirt: Unknown
Partner: Dottie Voo-Crugg
Fecal Status: On-deck
Other: Enjoys parading around small repica's of skyscrapers, once ate seventeen (17) water buffalo over the course of one (1) hour










"As one reign comes to an end, another begins-" stated Rainbow upon self-proclaiming the Presidency, "And with my reign, change shall finally arrive at The Jerk."

Please join us for cake and coffee in the 41st floor West Gymnasium at 8 pm.

- Staff Correspondent Wilmont Crugg

Dandelion, by Rico Jr.

Donation by the Crugg Group