Quebec Offed

 44th Staff President Hannk Quebec has been offed, according to HJ Head of Security Oscar Rainbow. 

Quebec (Dead)

Quebec was an unliked President during his multi-year tenure at the Jerk, much like the past 43 presidents. He promised change, but was not heard from for the entirety of his Presidency. At one point, he DID clog the 77th floor east toilet. 

"I did what I aimed to do." - Quebec

Quebec is believed to have been eaten by a Walrus. 

- Staff Correspondent Eli Strauss

Dizzums, giant right ear hired

Farley Dizzums has been brought on to oversee all Lyle and Amanda-related issues at the site, according to a dab of honey mustard familiar with the situation. 

Dizzums, a former running back with the Minnesota Vikings (336 yards and four touchdowns in 1991), served in a similar capacity at the now-defunct fashion magazine Socks, and also owns six goldfish.

Dizzums right ear, D'Marcus declined comment.

Saturday scoreboard

Percy Valley 7, Dandelion College 4

Dwayne 11, South Vanessa 8

Weeb Town 2, Soup 1

Ibbit 8, Zlay County 4

Freddy Technical Institute 6, Moob East 5

Boots vs. Harriet - ppd (grape spill)