November 11, 2014

October 10, 2014

Durmont hired

In local Durmont news, Dwayne Dudley "Darren" Durmont has been hired as staff Durmont, pending the results of the 52-year old's elbow removal surgery.

"If it's a clean shaving of the elbows, he's hired. No questions asked. But if it takes us bringing in extra people, who have to be paid overtime and have to be given room and boar, then that's an entirely different discussion we're going to have. This was also an entirely different discussion we had. I'm going to jot that down in my discussion book."

- Anonymous

Durmont's career goes back to the late-1970s when he was 2nd-chair tuba in the Clarkston Dwayneharmonic. After being tried and convicted of smuggling doughnuts into the United States in his tuba (Durmont Dmuggles Doughnuts - San Paneeko Times, October, 1981), Durmont was sentenced to 25 years with lice underneath the dining room table of Carl and Maryjo Zimmerman.

Durmont in happier times (Staff photo: Jo hee-jo Pong)

Upon his release in January, 2007, Durmont began looking Jesus, but has yet to find Him.

"I did find him," Durmont said later in 2007, while pointing to a man later identified as Herman Waxler.

Durmont's pet salamander, Linda Bakersfield, will not be joining the staff, as had been previously reported.

October 9, 2014

"Forgotten 7" found

Michael Vick: "I wasn't Prepared"

Michael Vick was not "prepared" to come in against the Chargers last week. Things Michael Vick was preparing for:

- Apple Picking Contest - Arddsale, Virginia
- Last night's burrito "fighting back" in stall 4c - Jets Locker Room
- Political Debate - Foreign Relations - Section 213
- "Dancing with the Stars" - Scheduled viewing of Tuesday night's re-run
- Impromptu sideline breakdancing tournament - double elimination
- Scheduled feeding of his pet walrus, Walt - 4:30 PM EST
- Urinating on the fan in Section 114, Row B, Seat 9 - "Religious"
- Trying on mother's maternity pants, "as discussed"
- RBI Baseball Tournament - "It's New York's Turn"
- Early morning bagel preparation - need to be IN BED by 3:30 PM EST
- Rex Ryan Neck Massage - Between Third and Fourth Quarter

And Finally....

- Potential Cheetah Invasion

- Staff moron Oscar Q. Rainbow

October 8, 2014

Ronnie Machine Located

"The Ronnie Family has Arrived." - Ronald Ronnie, Sr.

That was the announcement made by President Ronnie upon his arrival at Hartsfield Jackson Airport just moments ago. Details were not offered, but the Atlanta Police Department did offer this juicy tidbit:

"The Ronnie Family is here." - Chief of Police Elevator Ploop Jr. 

Be on high alert. The Ronnie's are internationally renowned "smack" smugglers and are also wanted for several Yahtzee scam operations. 

- Staff President Wilbur Wen

Quote of the Day - Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan

"The puck is something we need to possess more."

- Brendan Shanahan

September 16, 2014

New names for Capolo Henderson

"Cah" "Pohlo"
Corvit Compelio
Capolo Q
Kee-Kee Henderdonk
Polo C. Ahenderson
Kirby Capowlo
Capoolio Henderson
C.C. Hender-Polo
Ca? Po....lo?

[Source: Capolo Weekly - September 5-11]

August 26, 2014

"Squiggleshitz Passes On... a better life." - Brian Roberts

Barnard Squiggleshitz has left us here on Planet Derner, passing his soft-serve ice cream at approximately 3:05 p.m. MUST (Murray Standard Time).

"Squiggey was my best friend. I'm really really going to miss him." - microwave

The former 47, 48 and 49-year old leaves behind "dozens of unopened pieces of mail" (Didier Illustrated, Vol. 13, Issue 17), an autographed picture of former New York Pecans right fielder Dominic Dom-D'Mog'io, two tickets to Ketchup On Ice and a delicious recipe for Sandpaper Pasta written on a sheet of yellow, lined paper.

"And a VHS copy of the 1977 motion picture Another Girl Named Tiffany at Tiffany's." - Pastor/Bassist Bobby Feathers

Squiggleshitz's position as staff photograph of an onion has already been filled by a video of an unidentified man stepping on an onion.

[onion] - anonymous

July 17, 2014

President Hu Returns

President Hu, last seen traversing the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to increase drunken walrus awareness, has returned to HQ and will take over as Staff President, effective immediately. Thus ends the era of Sylvan Snugg, who did nothing and was thoroughly disliked.

Snugg was found in his cubicle on the C-wing of floor 144 this morning.

Snugg (Dead)

President Hu

Expect Hu's first order of business to be urinal removal on floor 26.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

June 29, 2014

Final exam

Test taken by: Bobby Feathers
June 28, 2014

1. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

2. Are you prepared for the day when God sends his only son, Jesus from heaven?

What do 500 WELCOME JESUS cupcakes tell you?

3. Do you reject Satan?
If he's going to drive the lane with some weak, "prep school floater", I'm going to let him know this is my house, and you don't bring that weak stuff into my house.

Note: if the game was being played at Satan's house (hell or perhaps the Palumbo Center - go Dukes!), then in my answer we'd have to twice replace the word 'house' with 'lane' or 'painted area'.

4. Where do you think sinners who don't repent go after they die?


5. Do you expect to go to heaven when you die?

Let's just say the things I expect for myself you could fit into the 'Grand Can'.

It's a brand of Vienna sausages they have at the Shell station down the street from my apartment.

6. If your answer to question 1 was 'no', isn't it now time for you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?