June 5, 2015

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)



















While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

May 20, 2015

Flanellette mail surfaces

The Jerk has obtained a letter sent from Skungus Flanellette












to Bobby Thomp-kins during the red (ear) scare of the 1950s. Here is the full letter:


Orr & Fluto (sp.?),

Do you think that new "regime" (9) Claude Julien will be kept for Bruins?

I really love all your works with Globe since I enter this country (Hector Williamson - 1977-2015).

Fandom,

Adolf

Flanellette - 96% grapefruit - worked under the British/Columbus, Ohio doctor Narscor Devadeel and discovered a cure for "scratchy formhead" in 1997 that is still in use by semi-bro Dennis teams all over the.

Stay in tune (cuminseed) for firmer updates (jogglie).

April 30, 2015

List of guys named Vance

[Updated 4/29, 11:40 PM]

Vance Ellington
Vance Po
Vance Salazar
Vance The Vance
Vance Rey (farmer's market wheat bread sample)
Vancent Sherpshire (the plum)
Vance Beltran Jr.
(Vance)
guitar tuner Vance Wainwright
Vance!
Vance Nayahama-Schmidt
V.a.n.c.e. (west coast)
Vance Salamiface
Va'Vance
Vance Mitchell (empty soda bottle)
Come on, Vance!
Van Suh

April 29, 2015

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

April 27, 2015

Guydoor hired

The latest reports from the East headquarters building in Dwayne Valley confirm the hiring of Zane Guydoor, 37 (salamander years).

Guydoor, who will be joined on staff by his 7th grade math teacher, Arnie Puckett, last swallowed a pile of leaves in 2007 (source).

The Jerk has also announced the winners of the 1st annual Xavier Merton Look-Alike Contest:

1st place - egg shell
2nd place - Byron Blue & frog (Roy)
3rd place - photograph of sidewalk puddle 5
4th place - Edinson Mejia
5th place - [prize vacated due to water bottle cap overdose]

March 31, 2015

Lou Bogoly - Located

Louis "Lou" Bogoly - AKA "The Foot" - has been located in Eastern China.

Bogoly



















(Also Pictured - Lil' Hoho Bogoly (deceased))

Please do not attempt to confront Dr. Bogoly - he is considered armed, dangerous, and flatulent.

More to come.

- Staff idiot Murton Shouse

March 30, 2015

Qwerr gets brief mention















Herman Qwerr, 47, pointing at a seagull (March 29, 2015).

Staff photo by Emmit Hurley

March 26, 2015

Shouse family list released

The Shouses has released their full list of family members. Thank you to the Furly Group for providing us with the information and the remains of Dwan'Carlo Beefman for our Wednesday luncheon.

Shouse

Murton Shouse
Ker Kwee Shouse
Merton W. Shouse
Frank Shouse (staple remover)
Valerie Shouse & camel
Yolanda "Shay Shay" Shouse
Quinton Shouse












A Shouse
Little Bobby Shouse
(Sneeze sound) Shouse
Horace & Beverly & Otto Shouse IV
Percy Shouse (cottage cheese)
Nermin Shouse
Benito Santiago-Shouse
Shouse!
peanut (Shouse)
Mitten Shouse
Kellog Shouse & raisin
Caroline The Shouse

March 11, 2015

Schlomo Sha: HIRED

Schlomo Sha has been "onboarded" and given the role of Staff Underwear Sniffer.

Sha (Deceased)





















Sha Bio

Name: Schlomobosho Sha Jr.
DOB: 1/1/1908
Sex: no
Gender: no
Height: pickle
Weight: 14 grams
Partner: Leo Sha (1908-1980); Pong-Wo Sha (1977-1997); Boris Sha (1997-2011); Unknown (2011-2012); ______ Sha (2012 - Present)
Notes: Avid potato chip collector. Season ticket holder for the Milwaukee Bucks. Ate Kareem Abdul Jabbar whole (1977). Jumped from a Delta airliner, passed away, 2003

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Sha to the staff. He will assume the cubicle on the 54th floor formerly held by Brevin Ploop (ostrich).

- Staff mushroom Schlomo Sha


March 3, 2015

The Beefman Children

The following is a list of the 11 Beefman children.

[Source: J.J. Noppapopalis Sr.]


Reginald Beefman III (deceased, liverwurst on rye)
Horatio Beefman (deceased, pointing accident)
Moosh Beefman (tomato)
Dobby-Do Beefman (president - Beefman Industries, Necklenburg branch)
Daniella Beefman-Hurly (assistant manager - Paulsen Pickles & Horsefly Farm)
Vinny Babooch-the-Beefman (deceased, pencil overdose)
Raquel Beefman (the ghost of Clem Pock)
Reginald Beefman II (deceased, other half of liverwurst on rye)
Wei Chun-Ho Beefman Jr. (last seen: May, 1976 aboard a mechanical spaceship "headed for the planet Jorge" - Nunce Valley Times)
Betty Beefman (cup of grapefruit juice)
Dunston Beefman (whereabouts unknown)

February 27, 2015

**Breaking** Hu Escapes

Former Staff President John Hu, of the Idaho Hu Crime Family, has escaped from HJP.

Hu (On The Run)

















No details are available at this time.

Do not attempt to approach Dr. Hu, as he is believed to be armed with multiple deadly weapons and a Koala, Herman (rumored).

- Staff Assistant Moron Pebal Fockwithe