November 20, 2015

Photo updates now available

A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.

In this photo

* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away

Still unknown

* [mule]

November 9, 2015

Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance

In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).



Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone

Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).

Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!

- Staff Hippo Herman Bump


Winfreed has been eaten.

Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.

November 4, 2015

Blog invaded

The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.

No one at the site, or its surrounding wheat/wiffle ball fields, can identify where the creature came from, nor whether it will be tasty once it is "hopefully" (Charlie Simmons Jr. eulogy) cooked in the deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).

There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment.

Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):

- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)

"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist

"He's Here."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist

Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)

"He's Here!"

Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.

- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris

November 2, 2015

Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis

We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.

Eis (Deceased)

Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."

Services for Eis will be as follows:

11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.

Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at

Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.

- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson

October 23, 2015

Family basketball game turns ugly

Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.

This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".

The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.

Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.

The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.

Orsh Zolloway: HIRED

Hey Jerk Productions and Watermelons is proud to announce the hire of former Theo Buxley, Orsh Zolloway.


Zolloway Bio

Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia

Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

October 14, 2015

Fubb: no longer.

The Fubb family (F.F.) lost one of its finest (F) on Friday (glenn) when Wendell Fubb (W.F.g.) ingested more than five soccer balls and passed on to Fubb Land (486).

"A person can swallow three soccer balls and still survive, but four, and especially five, is fatal," shed a someone.

Fubb is survived by a drawing of his goldfish, Marty.

Here's Fubb in late-2014 after receiving the Donald Dimoggio Award for Toothpaste Hoarding


Fubb Facts

* Played defensive back for the Jacksonville State University football team (2001-2004)

- Had team-high six interceptions as a sophomore. Suspended for last two games for violating team rules (parking lot ham fights)

* Played 'Mr. Giles' in the 1989 play Death Of A Salesman's Chevy

Famous quotes

[Selected by Ms. Jasper's 4th grade class at Durly Elementary School]

After pleading "not guilty" to intent to distribute (lettuce)

"Please, leave my family of salt packets alone. We've suffered enough."

To young Billy Boddingsley in the 2006 film Get On Out Of Here

"Good bye and good luck on your midterms"

September 16, 2015

2015 Gas Draft

No. 1 overall pick - San Antonio, Marc R.
2. Cleveland - Kurt A.
3. Werner Valley - Jarvis Galloway Jr.
4. Pluto - Steven C.
5. The Worm Store - Linda Wadsworth
6. Ottawa (from 5th Street K-Mart) - Don Mattingly
7. down the street by the yellow building - Vince Otto
8. Mule City - Dan Devito
9. San Diego - Penelope
10. Travon'Tavious Corners - Morris the Cat


San Diego sends Penelope to Travon'Tavious Corners for Morris the Cat & 7 peaches

11. Newark airport Security - Patricia Paulsen


Newark airport Security pick Patricia Paulsen eaten by mule. No re-pick granted.

12. Fred's Pit-Sweat Shop - Stinky O'Mallory
13. Dublin, GA - Ulysses Crugg
14. Heritage High School - Aaron Crugg

"Back to back Cruggs? I like the decision." - Henrieta Feathers

15. I don't know, over there somewhere - William Gwybish
16. William Gwybish - William Gwybish
17. Myrtle Beach B team - Xavier & Connie Schmidt ("The Schmidts")


Myrtle Beach B team disbanded

18. Hey Jerk Bison - Chip Settle
19. folding chair - night security guard
20. New York - pass
21. Terrytown - Beatrice Vance
22. Unknown
23. 8th Street Produce Stand - Mitch Mokk
24. Terrytown - Ivan Glow
25. Cooper's Bar & Grill - Sebastian Nezpiece Jr. 

August 12, 2015


The New York Yankees STINK!

Herman (HJ Modeling)

July 13, 2015

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

June 5, 2015

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers