Dandelion, by Rico Jr.

Donation by the Crugg Group

Balloons found in tree

3:25 pm - photo taken by staff photographer Erwin Shouse

Nolan Shponk (and son) Hired

Breaking news developing out of Hey Jerk HQ this evening as Nolan Shponk (and son) have been hired on as Staff Wart Investigation Officers.

Nolan Shponk

(and son)

Nolan Shponk (and son) will be responsible for all wart/bunion related issues as well as be the lead administrators to the 2017 HJ Bunion Games. Teams registered thus far include Teds United, Accounting West Wing Floor 4, Ralph/Jim/Juan, Tires 'r' Us (not affiliated with the Jerk), Martha's Left Leg, and the 13th Floor Laundromat (minus assistant laundromat manager Jim Jobbo (deceased)).

Please join us in welcoming Nolan Shponk (and son) to our team!

- Staff Walrus Hippo Frogburger

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"Machida found guilty"

Seffersburg, SA - Brunson Machida was found guilty of lettuce evasion Monday afternoon in the Vanderells County Courthouse & BBQ Barn. Machida, tulip, will serve a minimum of 11 months draped in several varieties of lettuce, including romaine and red leaf (Yankston County v Jenny Jolson, 1977).

Machida, born without legs, but with arm-legs & on schedule to receive ear-thumbs by Christmas, 2019, had been using a black market lettuce, "blettuce" since coming to Seffersburg from his native Yetz in the late-1990s.

Machida's younger brother, Yoloff, starred with Brunson for the Gendersberry Team at the '02 Ceiling Fan Nationals, but since had run into some trouble of his own with the law (provolone). To receive a lesser sentence for his crimes, Yoloff informed the police of his brother's ongoing lettuce problems. The two had been separated by a pile of fourth grader's drawings of elephants since December, 2016.

- Staff correspondent Grongo Zax

Hired: Nermit Nockaway

Fired immediately (tie).

Estrada hired

Julio Estrada
Age: 46 years, 189 days & 3 hours as of August 10 at 1:00 pm
Position: wheat bread pincher (day shift)
Salary: $11
Goldfish eaten in last 36 months: none
Parking space: 188
Relationship to Dedrick Crisp: none
Statistics, 1992: .247 average, 6 HR


- Correspondent Betty Pink

Walltortoise Found Deceased

Simplicito (Randy) Walltortoise Jr. has been found dead.

Walltortoise (DEAD)

It is believed that Randall was chewed on by a whale for hours and washed up on HJ shores due to "high tides" somewhere around 2 AM this morning. Staff Donut Hole Edward Chotch located the corpse while out for his morning wee wee. 

"There was a body on the beach" - Ed Chotch

Walltortoise will be remembered for his excellent potato chip sandwiches and his fondness of Timbuktu. He leaves behind his wife of 88 years, Grizelda, and their pet monkey Juan (deceased). 

Walltortoise's cubicle on the 14th floor is available for scavenging, first come first serve (I've got the can of black beans.)

- Staff Idiot Chuck Frozengard

The Jolson family

Jolsons

[updated 6/17]


Janet Jolson
The Jolson II
Jerry Jolson + 1
Jam Jolson
Harriet Jello
Jolson (pita bread)
Vic Jolson, senior, RB/DB, committed: Nebraska
Jojo Jolson Jr.
Ernie Lonkleffer
Jucinda Jolson!
Ernie Jr.
Jerome Jolson
the pinecone crumbles - west stage, 9pm
Jefferson Jolson
Jeff Jolson
Geoff Jolson
J.J. Jolson
Julie and the Jolsons

Machado photo found

The first-known photograph of Orestes Muchado has been obtained by H.J.Goml photographer Damion Kerr.

SHOWINGS

Mon-Thurs: 10 am - 3 pm
Fri/Sat: 11 am - 7 pm
Sunday: closed (DJ Jesus Johnson)

Bagokie Hired

Al Bagokie (Okie Dokie) has finally come to salary terms with The Jerk and has officially been named Staff Rory Ashirmin, effective June, 2098.

Alvin Bagokie *Deceased

Bagokie is well known for his international Beluga Whale Impersonation tour, as well as being a drawing of something that looks like nothing. 

"He's just a bunch of lines." - Brian Gregory

Please join us in our celebration of Al Bagokie's hire in the Men's lobby restroom (stall B). First 20 to join receive a free banana peel! (Offer Revoked - Ted Gonch v. The City of Cleveland)

- Staff Chimp Dudley Foomb

Simon!

Simons all time

[Last updated: May 2017]


Simon Heddiger Jr.
Simon Shu
The Ultimate Simon
Simon Seemone
Is That Simon?!
Simon Clob
Simon from the book club
Simon Gafreda
Terry Cher
Simone Jahojo
Sy Simon
Simon Sellinger
Eddie Pink
JJ Simon (desk lamp)
Kenny Simon, 3B
Saul Simon
Sy Minn (meeting, 4pm)
Citgo station Simon
Simon Yetz
The Biggest Simon
Salami Simon

Bung family denies claim of employment

Mel Bung, a national champion book jacket-eating contest champion & first man to sail around the forehead of Marty Wilkins, had reportedly been offered a staff position (beach towel) Monday afternoon. The Bung family, led by Meredith Bung,

has since denied the report, stating only that Mel had been offered a side item with his turkey sandwich at a local delicatessen, Willard's.

"That's true, about the side item," said Willard's part-time server Jolynn Kramer. "It was either potato salad or coleslaw, and Mr. Bung still hadn't decided. I mean, come on, we're closing soon."

First Yoblian lands on Earth

What is believed to be the first Yoblian from the planet Kittenear (Panda galaxy 7) arrived at the headquarters building Wednesday afternoon, causing a panic/impromptu grass-eating contest.

The creature, whose already stated he prefers to be addressed as Lenny Bergeron Jr. and likes other people's ham sandwiches, said several thousand other Yoblians will be arriving over the next few months.

"Several thousand other Yoblians will be arriving over the next few months," said Bergeron through his interpreter, rubber band.

Bergeron was full of surprises as he not only produced a signed photograph of former professional basketball player Derek Harper, but also recited the English alphabet with a mouthful of fettuccine noodles.

Derner Eaten, Hu Reinstated

Hu Returns!

Miles Derner (Deceased) was found eaten by a mule yesterday evening. As such, he has been named Staff Deceased President.

Derner (Eaten)

Taking his place will be former and new President Hu, who vows to "make changes" around here after the failure of the Derner regime (Brontosaurus).

Hu

"I'm back, and I'm making changes. First one: my diaper. All Hail President Hu!" - Hu

Please welcome President Hu at his viewing in the 1144th floor west end gymnasium, where he will be shooting layups until 6 PM EST.

- Staff Contributor Bob

Steamy Ned Hired

**BREAKING NEWS**

May 17th, 2344

Ottawa - Breaking news out of Portland today as prestigious, world-renowned blog site "Coolies 'r' Us" announced the hiring of Steamy Ned as Staff Belt Removal Technician.

Ned

Ned was drawn on a piece of old, lined paper rather than in Microsoft Paint due to the fact that an editor of this site is too lazy to open Microsoft Paint. Other than that, he has two eyes.

Ned will report directly to Staff Egypt Juan Torres.


- Staff Contributor Fob Quinkley