April 22, 2014

Round 1 of Bobcat Draft today

First round selections with analysis by Capolo Henderson (odd-numbered picks) and Darren Durly (even-numbered picks).

1. Ottawa - Otto Xomcheese, Texas A&M Walrus Mining Institute. Xomcheese is the clear favorite and is taken number one overall by the Fighting Foreskins. Xomcheese clocked in at 6.72 seconds in the warmup bobsled competition. Famously ate an entire puma at age 2 1/2.

2. New Jersey - Rico Yetz Jr., Blum Valley Community College (Oggsbo). Yetz Jr. is hoping to follow in the salamandersteps of his father Rico "Pinch Out" Yetz and become a Derner League All Star as a rookie. He'll join a roster already packed with veteran necktie eating contest competitors. Married a half-mile of pavement on the side of the Neck Glenn Memorial Highway (March, 2012).

3. Ottawa - Dan Devito, Devito Daily Inquirer. Devito falls all the way to number 3 due to Intent to Pelt with Walnuts (ITPW) fears amongst squads. His talent is undeniable, as he most recently competed in the Durly Games in Oslo, Norway and placed 31st in a 56 man field. Devito is commonly referred to as "The Cucumber Felon" and was elected 65th President of the United States of America in 1988 before later succumbing to an extreme bout of food poisoning and perishing at the young age of 27.

4. Edmonton (from San Anchulioh) - Carlo Cline, NACL Idelby Spartans. Cline shot an 82 and an 84 in the Southwest Regional guacamole scoop and toss in February, and set world records in 2009, 2010 and 2013 for Most Hair Eaten off of Ronnie McClendon's Head during MHermh's annual luncheons.

5. Prarie Falls HS - Patricio Zin, Coolie Middle. Zin was an assassin for the Sanchules regime in Russia in the late 50's and early 80's. In his free time, he enjoys walks in tuna fish basins and mule hibernation research. Expected to compete for playing time at small forward.

Some media reaction after Prarie Falls' selection:

"Winner, qwimmer, David (Schwimmer)!"

- Munson Lyle, Dwaynedurley Report

"That's why they're always IN THE RUNNING."

- Jo he jo Pong, Eyelid Magazine

6. Idaho (from Lawrenceburg) - Tripp Tripples, Durly College of Microbiology. Tripples is the first Qwen-shore 9 native to be selected in a bobcat draft since Nick N'Pickles in '77. Spent 11 days in 1988 as Elijah Wimple.

And now this from our sponsors:

7. Ottawa (from Uruguay) - Patt Sinn, Ed Franklin High School for Yetis. Sinn pooped his pants in 1877.

8. Unified Team 21-Under - Booboo Biagi, Stanford. Biagi is a fourth-generation paint can pincher and should fit right in at the 6 on a young and exiting Unified Team. Was declared 41% canned beef from 2002-2007, and that number rose to 47% in September, 2010.

9. London - Pick Forfeited, Cleveland State. Pick was a world renowned pizza thrower until he blew out his left shoulder in the World Pizza Games in '96. Since then has refocused his efforts on Bobcatting and has become one of the worlds best at the spry age of 118.  Forfeited worked at the influential blog site hasanyoneseenmyshoes.blogspot.com for a short time in the late 90's before being eradicated due to "failure to flush."

10. Asia - Kim, no college.

Won the Sanchules Belt in 2013 before nearly overdosing on wall sealant during the post-fight celebration. Presided over the first grass clump wedding in June, 1979 and once impersonated a turkey hoagie at a sandwich shop for a store-record 18 minutes 39 seconds.

Draft Glossary

NACL - North American Carlo League

April 12, 2014

Potatoman found deceased in front of popular bowling alley

According to several eyewitness reports, a potatoman has been found deceased outside Mo's Bowling & Spaghetti Palace. The popular entertainment venue, which hosted the Refrigerator Box Hugging Southeast Regionals from 1998-2007, just served its 400th customer named Dale Thursday.

"I want to make it clear that Mo's does not and has not ever discriminated against potatomen or potatowomen. This was an unfortunate and isolated incident. That potatoman was around age 13 days and had several bites taken out of him and he just couldn't pull through," said Blump City police chief Rico Yetz Jr.

The alley's owner, Kenneth Keean, who is running on a ticket with an ice cube in next month's Blump City mayoral race, said the potatoman's hat, Carlton, will be eaten by Linda Kibbits on June 17th.

April 11, 2014

Clete Idelby Remains Located

Cletus "Underwear-sucker" Idelby's remains have been located. He is confirmed DEAD!

Clete Idelby (DEAD)

Idelby has been hated for many years, so no one cares about his death. His remains were located in a dumpster outside Kirk Ashirmin's 14th street cardboard box.

Clete Idelby is DEAD!

 - Staff Idelby Death Reporter Clete Idelby


Ashirmin's cardboard box has been moved to 16th street, outside Mo's Bowling and Spaghetti Palace.

April 9, 2014

Basketball coaching candidate: Pablo Yaz

Pablo Yaz

Basketball coach, goldfish psychiatrist

Coaching experience
Assistant coach, New York Knickerbockers. Helped Gerald Wilkins develop his now-patented "Peanutbutter Pullup Jumper"; married to center Bill Cartwright (November, 1985-May, 1986)
Head coach, California-Irvine B-team. Defeated Cal-Irvine varsity team in a scrimmage in October, 1992, thanks to my own lay up, "in traffic" with six seconds to play.
* Resigned as head coach in May, 1999 after photographs surfaced on the internet of my bare-chest covered in various deli meats.
Head coach at Illinois-Wesleyan. I found a cracker that contained the face of our lord and savior and never coached a single game or practice.
With Jesus.

* Briefly imprisoned in 2004 for dog ear theft.
Head coach, Lunce Valley Skydolphins of the Bog Piso Basketball League (B.P.B.L.). Team went 20-11 and lost in the semifinals of the Kerwin Daniels Conference Tournament.

Competitive eating 

1988: finished seventh at paper clip Northeast Regionals
1993: finished fourth at Sawdust Nationals
2000: finished 19th at notebook paper Mid-Atlantic Regionals

March 26, 2014

The Fundos

The Fundo family list has finally been released, according to a piece of paper that contained the list. We've obtained it in accordance with the Zandor Plub Jr. Act of 1998, which prohibits discrimination against women named Beth.
Fundo family spokesman Yobblo Paz refused comment pending the 77-year old's wax paper licking trial.
The Fundos
Lawrence "Larry" Fundo
Alfonso Fundo
Alfonso "Lil Alfie" Fundo Jr
Tommy "Two-Tones" Fundo
Bertund Fundo Sr.
Bert Fundo Jr.
Bertie Fundo III
Alfredo Garcia-Fundo
Yamika-ka Fundo
Ed Fundo Sr.
Eddie! Fundo Jr. (TM)
Rectal Thermometer Fundo
Horatio "Applesauce" Fundo
President Ignatio Fundo
Fester Fundo
and finally....
Stinky Feet Fundo Jr.

Some final comments on the list:

"It's influential, I'll tell you that much. Like the first landing on the mule."

- Vanessa Mindlich-Briles

"Milkpacks on a flint-rack, baby. Shoot, Canada never pushed a tie-cheese on my big toe. Clem....Ernie.....even Percy.... they be doing them grandpabagelfights."

- Gilbert Gloss

March 25, 2014

2014 Chili Gas Man of the Year

Frozengard Consumed by Mule

In somewhat expected news this morning, former Staff Elephant Chuck Frozengard was eaten late last night by a mule (Phil).

Frozengard (DEAD)

It is believed that Frozengard approached Phil the Mule after a "road-rage" incident occurred between the two. Bystanders have stated that Frozengard was driving "clearly over 75 miles per hour" in reverse down a local side-street when Phil the Mule verbally accosted Frozengard. After a brief shouting match, Frozengard slammed the brakes and exited his vehicle, believed to be a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

"He removed all of his clothing and ran violently towards Phil" stated local resident Bob Bobbalo.

Details get murky at this point, though it is known that Frozengard was consumed during a candlelight vigil outside the Bobbalo home. A bottle of merlot was served by Phil the Mule to all in the audience.

Services will not be held for Frozengard, as he has already been flushed down the toilet.

- Staff Mule Reporter Gerry Muleman

March 23, 2014

Murray Torkelson's family

Murray Torkelson (egg sandwich)

Luni-Bwy Torkelson (wife)
Shish Torkelson (daughter)
Little Murray Torkelson (son)
Zorch Torkelson (son)
Juan Yessup (ant)
Hee-Hu (parakeet)
Blubb Pershack (mailman)

March 20, 2014