May 20, 2015

Flanellette mail surfaces

The Jerk has obtained a letter sent from Skungus Flanellette

to Bobby Thomp-kins during the red (ear) scare of the 1950s. Here is the letter IN FULL:

Fluto (sp.?),

Do you think that under new "regime" Claude Julien will be kept for Bruins?

I really appreciate all work you do for Globe since I enter this country (Hector Williamson - 1977-2015).



We have not been able identify the following people: 

* Claude Julien
* Bruins
* Claw Joo (Liam)
* Zayqweese
* "kept for Bruins"
* globe
* Hector Williamson
* Adolf(z)
Flanellette - 96% grapefruit - worked under the British/Columbus, Ohio doctor Narscor Devadeel and discovered a cure for "scratchy forehead" in 1997 that is still in use by semi-professional tennis teams all over the world.

April 30, 2015

List of guys named Vance

[Updated 4/29, 11:40 PM]

Vance Ellington
Vance PoPo
Vance "Only Tuesday afternoon, you call Wednesday morning I no answer" Salazar
Vance The Vance
Vance Rey (grocery store wheat bread sample)
Vancent Sherpshire
Vance Beltran Jr.
Vance Murphy-Wainwright
Vance Nayahama-Schmidt
V.a.n.c.e. (west coast)
Vance Salamiface
Va'Vance Vernstein
Vance Mitchell (empty soda bottle)
Come on, Vance!
Van Suh

April 29, 2015

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1988-2015 has passed away.

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Go'Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall off roof ice cream truck)

April 27, 2015

Guydoor hired

The latest reports from the East headquarters building in Dwayne Valley confirm the hiring of Zane Guydoor, 37 (salamander years).

Guydoor, who will be joined on staff by his younger brother, Zherm and 7th grade math teacher, Arnie "Thursdays Only" Puckett, last swallowed a pile of leaves in 2007.

The Jerk has also announced the winners of the 1st annual Xavier Merton Look-Alike Contest:

1st place - egg shell
2nd place - Byron Blue & frog (Roy)
3rd place - photograph of sidewalk puddle 5
4th place - Edinson Mejia
5th place - [prize vacated due to water bottle cap overdose]

March 31, 2015

Lou Bogoly - Located

Louis "Lou" Bogoly - AKA "The Foot" - has been located in Eastern China.


(Also Pictured - Lil' Hoho Bogoly (deceased))

Please do not attempt to confront Dr. Bogoly - he is considered armed, dangerous, and flatulent.

More to come.

- Staff idiot Murton Shouse

March 30, 2015

Qwerr gets brief mention

Herman Qwerr, 47, pointing at a seagull (March 29, 2015).

Staff photo by Emmit Hurley

March 26, 2015

Shouse family list released

The Shouses has released their full list of family members. Thank you to the Furly Group for providing us with the information and the remains of Dwan'Carlo Beefman for our Wednesday luncheon.


Murton Shouse
Ker Kwee Shouse
Merton W. Shouse
Frank Shouse (staple remover)
Valerie Shouse & camel
Yolanda "Shay Shay" Shouse
Quinton Shouse

A Shouse
Little Bobby Shouse
(Sneeze sound) Shouse
Horace & Beverly & Otto Shouse IV
Percy Shouse (cottage cheese)
Nermin Shouse
Benito Santiago-Shouse
peanut (Shouse)
Mitten Shouse
Kellog Shouse & raisin
Caroline The Shouse

March 11, 2015

Schlomo Sha: HIRED

Schlomo Sha has been "onboarded" and given the role of Staff Underwear Sniffer.

Sha (Deceased)

Sha Bio

Name: Schlomobosho Sha Jr.
DOB: 1/1/1908
Sex: no
Gender: no
Height: pickle
Weight: 14 grams
Partner: Leo Sha (1908-1980); Pong-Wo Sha (1977-1997); Boris Sha (1997-2011); Unknown (2011-2012); ______ Sha (2012 - Present)
Notes: Avid potato chip collector. Season ticket holder for the Milwaukee Bucks. Ate Kareem Abdul Jabbar whole (1977). Jumped from a Delta airliner, passed away, 2003

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Sha to the staff. He will assume the cubicle on the 54th floor formerly held by Brevin Ploop (ostrich).

- Staff mushroom Schlomo Sha

March 3, 2015

The Beefman Children

The following is a list of the 11 Beefman children.

[Source: J.J. Noppapopalis Sr.]

Reginald Beefman III (deceased, liverwurst on rye)
Horatio Beefman (deceased, pointing accident)
Moosh Beefman (tomato)
Dobby-Do Beefman (president - Beefman Industries, Necklenburg branch)
Daniella Beefman-Hurly (assistant manager - Paulsen Pickles & Horsefly Farm)
Vinny Babooch-the-Beefman (deceased, pencil overdose)
Raquel Beefman (the ghost of Clem Pock)
Reginald Beefman II (deceased, other half of liverwurst on rye)
Wei Chun-Ho Beefman Jr. (last seen: May, 1976 aboard a mechanical spaceship "headed for the planet Jorge" - Nunce Valley Times)
Betty Beefman (cup of grapefruit juice)
Dunston Beefman (whereabouts unknown)

February 27, 2015

**Breaking** Hu Escapes

Former Staff President John Hu, of the Idaho Hu Crime Family, has escaped from HJP.

Hu (On The Run)

No details are available at this time.

Do not attempt to approach Dr. Hu, as he is believed to be armed with multiple deadly weapons and a Koala, Herman (rumored).

- Staff Assistant Moron Pebal Fockwithe

February 24, 2015

New office opens in Bangor

The Jerk has announced the opening of a new editorial office in Bangor, Maine, staff raisin illustrator Bobby B. Queh confirmed Tuesday afternoon.

Bangor, Maine staff

Uu'Vonduwitz Shockapok - potato
Dissizzint Ah'Reelnahym - staff Fimply re-creator
Iggy Boff Jr. - assistant finger snapper
Shom Wheatley, Maude M'Lomm - soup noodles 1 and 2
Pebal Fockwithe - assistant staff moron
The Charles - wrestling coordinator
Beau Fimmons - former staff toenail
Patty Paulsen - ZeeKor 7 relations
Chip Seffle - can of garbanzo beans
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - himself
Chia Pet Smith - staff television
Edford Wolowitz - iguana relations
Faruq Bateen - dandelion
Orno Fongy - staff Staff
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia
Reggie Beefman - weapons expert
Stefan Kristensen - Staff Koala
Eeb Gozzowillow - pencil

Vacant positions

* Staff mailbox
* Barber
* Wrinkle
* Wall
* Small forward
* Red colored pencil

 [To apply: email]