April 28, 2016

Pock perishes

Another member of the Pock family has suffered the ultimate fate (mayonnaise) and passed on as Aurelio "Buttons" Pock fell out of his canoe and suffered what doctors are referring to as Pock's Disease (elbow pads) Thursday afternoon.












Pock was president of the United States of America But Just In Aurelio Pock's House from 1944-1966, then was engaged to a postage stamp named Trudy from 1970-1978, but the couple never married after it was learned that Trudy had already been licked and used on an envelope (cable bill, Henrietta).

Along with his brothers, Rory, Olin and Zez, Aurelio started the band It's Pock To Meet You and the group famously performed at a 1989 music festival while being chased by a mongoose.

Aurelio is survived by a drawing of a tape dispenser and his goldfish bowl, Stanley Sr.

Berman family

Chris
Herman
Thurman
Sherman
Furman
Vermin
Nermin 
Herman
Merman
Shu-Fong
Tito
Lil' Fella
Milwaukeebrewer
Ka-Ka
Ernie

April 22, 2016

Reggies

[updated 4/22/16]

Reggie Nerf
Reggie "Reg" Nikinlin
Reggie Jacksonian (Dublin, GA)
Reggie Bohmar
Reggie Gendamar
Reggie Zayne
"Reg"
Reggie Dodrop

March 28, 2016

Gallego passes on

Side of Route 84 - Millions were stunned to learn that Heeko Gallego, longtime bass player for Caramelized Back Brace and advocate for same-sex leaf counting, had been eaten by his pet raccoon, Renaldo.

The two had been living together since Renaldo first arrived on the planet last May 8.

Reports have been confirmed that Renaldo did, in fact use a dijon mustard to consume his former owner.

The Gallego family (tape measure) issued the following photograph of Gallego as an infant and started the bidding at $150:


















Zondo announces candidacy

Bo Hunes - Everett Zondo has announced he will run for Tallest Citizen against "incumbent" Marty True in this fall's election.

Zondo's height will be revealed at a later date, but some believe Yo County native could be as tall as 1,100 baby carrots.

"That's true, we do believe that," said one some.

Zondo has not yet announced his Bagel Runner, though the smart acorns are on either Solly Razz (ice cube) or Zondo's closest napkin, Terrance.


Other races:

Most Arm Freckles

Dennis D. Dro vs. Polly Wocka

Standing Furthest From That Water Fountain

Gail Glous vs. Pointing Percy

Sweatiest - over 40 division

Big Steve vs. Jill Kreimeier

February 8, 2016

Didier - A Family Reborn

Bruce and Dennis Didier, distant relatives of Tifko and Donald Didier, have been hired "to bring Didier tradition and values back to the firm", said CEO and Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock.

Bruce

Dennis

Bruce, formerly known as Wendell Pock, is a Capricorn that loves hikes on the moon and sunbathing with his pet ostrich, Marv. Dennis is a loser with no friends that wears adult diapers (for months at a time.)

Please join us in welcoming the Didiers to our office complex, into our homes (for extended periods of time), and into our hearts. 

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

November 20, 2015

Photo updates now available

A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.

In this photo















* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away

Still unknown

* [mule]

November 9, 2015

Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance

In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).

Winfreed

BIO

Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone














Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).

Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!

- Staff Hippo Herman Bump

UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):

Winfreed has been eaten.

























Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.


November 4, 2015

Blog invaded

The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.




















No one at the site, or its surrounding wheat/wiffle ball fields, can identify where the creature came from, nor whether it will be tasty once it is "hopefully" (Charlie Simmons Jr. eulogy) cooked in the deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).

There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment.

Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):

- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)

"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist

"He's Here."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist

Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)



"He's Here!"

Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.

- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris

November 2, 2015

Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis

We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.

Eis (Deceased)


























Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."

Services for Eis will be as follows:

11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.

Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com

Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.

- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson

October 23, 2015

Family basketball game turns ugly

Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.

This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".




















The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.

Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.

The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.