December 18, 2014

Quarterfinals - Ugly Football Coach Bracket

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul

Recap: Tip off at the Thunderdome was scheduled for 7 PM EST, but instead occurred around 4:32 AM this morning as both participants showed up at the dome in their underwear demanding the referees perform a jump ball. O'Leary, upon losing the jump ball to Johnson, pulled a .45 Magnum out of his undies and murdered Johnson as well as all referees and scorekeepers present, proclaiming himself the winner. He celebrated on the court by performing the macarena dance and drooling maniacally all over his chest hair before exiting the arena to the theme song of "Rocky."

2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles

Recap: Rainbow Facility for Idiots was packed to the brim, with a sold out crowd of over 99,000. Holtz chose to enter riding his favorite pig, Francis, while Weis was carried in by 17 friends and family while eating a turkey leg. Holtz won the jump ball and immediately fell down. An accident on the floor by Holtz led to a 15 minute delay for clean up, and the game was resumed. Late in the 4th quarter, with the score tied 0-0, Weis finally finished his turkey leg and threw the bone at Holtz, who was attempting a layup from his wheel chair. Holtz screamed "communism!" and Weis ran down the court, ate Holtz, and scored the winning basket with 1 second left on the clock.

Coming Tomorrow:

4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph


3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin






December 17, 2014

Ugly Football Coach Initial Bracket Released

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul




4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph




3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin




2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles




November 11, 2014

October 10, 2014

Durmont hired

In local Durmont news, Dwayne Dudley "Darren" Durmont has been hired as staff Durmont, pending the results of the 52-year old's elbow removal surgery.

"If it's a clean shaving of the elbows, he's hired. No questions asked. But if it takes us bringing in extra people, who have to be paid overtime and have to be given room and boar, then that's an entirely different discussion we're going to have. This was also an entirely different discussion we had. I'm going to jot that down in my discussion book."

- Anonymous

Durmont's career goes back to the late-1970s when he was 2nd-chair tuba in the Clarkston Dwayneharmonic. After being tried and convicted of smuggling doughnuts into the United States in his tuba (Durmont Dmuggles Doughnuts - San Paneeko Times, October, 1981), Durmont was sentenced to 25 years with lice underneath the dining room table of Carl and Maryjo Zimmerman.













  
Durmont in happier times (Staff photo: Jo hee-jo Pong)


Upon his release in January, 2007, Durmont began looking Jesus, but has yet to find Him.

"I did find him," Durmont said later in 2007, while pointing to a man later identified as Herman Waxler.

Durmont's pet salamander, Linda Bakersfield, will not be joining the staff, as had been previously reported.

October 9, 2014

"Forgotten 7" found

Michael Vick: "I wasn't Prepared"

Michael Vick was not "prepared" to come in against the Chargers last week. Things Michael Vick was preparing for:

- Apple Picking Contest - Arddsale, Virginia
- Last night's burrito "fighting back" in stall 4c - Jets Locker Room
- Political Debate - Foreign Relations - Section 213
- "Dancing with the Stars" - Scheduled viewing of Tuesday night's re-run
- Impromptu sideline breakdancing tournament - double elimination
- Scheduled feeding of his pet walrus, Walt - 4:30 PM EST
- Urinating on the fan in Section 114, Row B, Seat 9 - "Religious"
- Trying on mother's maternity pants, "as discussed"
- RBI Baseball Tournament - "It's New York's Turn"
- Early morning bagel preparation - need to be IN BED by 3:30 PM EST
- Rex Ryan Neck Massage - Between Third and Fourth Quarter

And Finally....

- Potential Cheetah Invasion

- Staff moron Oscar Q. Rainbow

October 8, 2014

Ronnie Machine Located

"The Ronnie Family has Arrived." - Ronald Ronnie, Sr.


That was the announcement made by President Ronnie upon his arrival at Hartsfield Jackson Airport just moments ago. Details were not offered, but the Atlanta Police Department did offer this juicy tidbit:

"The Ronnie Family is here." - Chief of Police Elevator Ploop Jr. 

Be on high alert. The Ronnie's are internationally renowned "smack" smugglers and are also wanted for several Yahtzee scam operations. 

- Staff President Wilbur Wen



Quote of the Day - Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan

"The puck is something we need to possess more."

- Brendan Shanahan

September 16, 2014

New names for Capolo Henderson

Com-pelio
"Cah" "Pohlo"
Corvit Compelio
Capolo Q
Kee-Kee Henderdonk
C-Henderson-C
Polo C. Ahenderson
Kirby Capowlo
Capoolio Henderson
C.C. Hender-Polo
Ca? Po....lo?


[Source: Capolo Weekly - September 5-11]

August 26, 2014

"Squiggleshitz Passes On...

...to a better life." - Brian Roberts

Barnard Squiggleshitz has left us here on Planet Derner, passing his soft-serve ice cream at approximately 3:05 p.m. MUST (Murray Standard Time).













"Squiggey was my best friend. I'm really really going to miss him." - microwave

The former 47, 48 and 49-year old leaves behind "dozens of unopened pieces of mail" (Didier Illustrated, Vol. 13, Issue 17), an autographed picture of former New York Pecans right fielder Dominic Dom-D'Mog'io, two tickets to Ketchup On Ice and a delicious recipe for Sandpaper Pasta written on a sheet of yellow, lined paper.

"And a VHS copy of the 1977 motion picture Another Girl Named Tiffany at Tiffany's." - Pastor/Bassist Bobby Feathers

Squiggleshitz's position as staff photograph of an onion has already been filled by a video of an unidentified man stepping on an onion.

[onion] - anonymous

July 17, 2014

President Hu Returns

President Hu, last seen traversing the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to increase drunken walrus awareness, has returned to HQ and will take over as Staff President, effective immediately. Thus ends the era of Sylvan Snugg, who did nothing and was thoroughly disliked.

Snugg was found in his cubicle on the C-wing of floor 144 this morning.

Snugg (Dead)














President Hu




































Expect Hu's first order of business to be urinal removal on floor 26.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers