Rare drawing of Denton Durly found

[Photo courtesy of Durly Family Archives]

Buckley wins mayor's race

Friday was an historic morning as Trevontae-Qwom "Buck" Buckley was declared the winner of the Hey Jerk mayor's race.

Buckley, who was born on the planet Werz-14 and with two noses and one ankle-foot, making him a "sub-Durly" according to the Queh Dictionary, defeated the incumbent, Sh'Hensen Pepano by more than 18,000 votes.

Hey Jerk 2013 Mayor Race

Winner - Buckley, Trevontae-Qwom  18,557 votes
Runner-up - Sh'Hensen Pepano     493
3rd - Little Timmy Tapinsky  340
4th - Zoff  76
5th - Ernie Crugg Jr.  58
6th - Nadine Crugg   57

Write-in votes

The ghost of Herman Puckett - 9
Beckman Goolie  - 7
C. Vanderells Bwon -  4
Mordecai Three-Finger Brown  - 3
Capolo Henderson  - 1
Wayne Tolleson's 1988 Topps baseball card - 1

New cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Cheechern play "Pass The Salt: A Love Story":


Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Ozzo-7 as the grains of salt of hope
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Paulfield
Apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
Pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Doc "Ear Pull" Salazar as himself
Hee-ho Shunk as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Natalie Xomcheese as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Abner Sanchules

and introducing....

Minuscule Marty as Carlton Salt


In theaters November 15!

Litner hired

After decades as one of the country's leading horse photograph whisperers, Leonard Litner has finally been hired at the Jerk, pending a standard Friday evening knee cap tasting.

Litner is expected to take over the staff position of hockey puck massager, which was recently vacated by the disposal of Ronaldo Beefman and his family of turnips.
 
Litner, 56 in snowman years, is the ninth member of his family to be hired at the site, joining Rudolph Litner (employed from 1977-1981), J'Meekhwa Litner (1979-1985), Stubby Chin Litner (1979-1990), Leonard Litner Sr. & Applesauce (1987-1988), Grassclump Litner Jr. (May, 1992-June, 1992), DJ Vel'Kwan-Shouse (1992-2013), Scotchtape Litner (1997-1999) and Ernie Poppadapolis (2000-2003).

CEO Benjamin Gibbons also announced the firing of Denarius Durly and Tatiana Merced as staff hoagie rolls.

Service For Hire

Hey Jerk Industries, Affiliates, and Conglomerations would like to announce a new business venture. The HJ staff has entered the "Ainting" arena.

HJ Team Van

List of services provided by HJ Ainting Staff:

- Bulldog removal
- Pecans
- Castration
- Notary Services
- Mail Delivery
- Szechuan style cuisine
- Murder
- Durly related inquiries
- Ainting
- Pie toss
- Toe
- Vegetable Steaming
- Murder

Please call our pleasant and hygienic staff at 800-KILLDURLY.

It is our ever-going honor to serve you!

- Staff Mule Donkey Face Nelson

Barry Applewind is DEAD

Barry Applewind, world renown for his creation of "Gas Passing; The Musical" and "Shitting in Your Pants Part 3: The Oyster Shell" has passed on. He was 146.

Applewind (DEAD)

Applewind Bio

Name: Harold Juan Jorge "Barry" Applewind Sr.
DOB: Unknown
Weight: 14 lbs
Height:N/A
Partner: Hector Applewind (1908-1909); Bertha Ballsac(1911-1956); Hector Applewind (1992-1993); Hector Applewind (2003-2003); Thomas O'Dea (2003-2012); Hector Applewind (2012-2012)
Comments: Once swallowed a rhinoceros whole (August, 1956) for charity event in Bangor, Maine (Rhinoceros passed); Loves the Portland Trailblazers and Muggsy Bogues; Dislikes Tom O'Dea




Please join us in the HJ Music Hall on Brunson Street NW for a celebration of Applewind's death. A full bar will be available and hippo chops will be served on a first come, first serve basis.

**PRIZES**

- 45" Plasma TV for first to urinate on Applewind's remains
- Lil' Jimmy Fompoon (up for grabs)
- Cheetah (Unknown)

Special event

Miles Derner autographed ketchup packet auction

October 30 from 7:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Fonchonski Apartment Complex & Applesauce Pits

All-time list of names given to Pete rose's nose

1960-1966 - Pete Jr.

1967-1968 - Pete Jr. And Friends

1969-1974 - Maurice Gibinowitz

1975-1983 - Zorbo 7

1984-1988 - Miles Derner Unwashed

January, 1989-August, 1989 - Ross The Oberman

Late-1989-present - S'Quan Barfield


Source: Beefman Family Archives

Reggie Beefman dolls now available

For the first time on this planet, Reggie Beefman dolls are now available for purchase!

Just in time for Lavelle Hurley Day, you can get your very own Beefman doll, which comes with taco shell bed and alternate blue "Reggie Beefman" t-shirt.

$45 each for a limited time

To order, email Jo he jo Pong at pong4506@gmail.com

Being Told You Look Like Rodney Dangerfield: The 12 Step Recovery Process

Once someone is told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield, following the 12 steps is the recommended method of regaining one's life.

*Note - it is impossible to regain one's life after being told they resemble Rodney Dangerfield.




1. Get told you resemble Rodney Dangerfield
2. Look at ground, consider suicide
3. Mutter thoughtless ramblings to yourself
4. Call Reggie Beefman for a Dangerfield consult
5. Drive to Beefman's house, assassinate him, leave photo of Rodney Dangerfield behind
6. Call police, report Beefman's demise, flee to China
7. Upon landing in Hong Kong, cry hysterically for just north of two hours before hailing cab
8. When you reach hotel, immediately watch Rocky 5 in its entirety
9. Look in the mirror, repeat "I am not Rodney Dangerfield" 100 times over (*at a minimum)
10. Take a shower, start to get a hold of your life
11. After shower, look in mirror again, realize you REALLY DO look like Rodney Dangerfield
12. That's all for you - end it

Durly Hired

Drevontavian Durly has been hired as the new manager of the Durly's softball team.

A team roster for the upcoming 2013-2014 season will be announced soon.

Chili Gas Monthly: August Edition