July 18, 2016

Hu Released, Takes Over Hey Jerk Presidency

Hu has been released from his incarceration at HJ Prison, where he had been held for the previous 13 months after being found guilty of Hippo genocide.

Hu

























Hu, seen here immediately following his release, was seen  "lightly jogging" to the San Diego Zoo immediately thereafter. His whereabouts are unknown, but it is believe he may have taken up camp in the Hippo enclave. Coded messages have been received every hour on the hour since his release, the latest of which was deciphered as:

"All Hail Hu. Hu is King."

Please join us in welcoming President Hu back (the 14th floor urinal is now off limits until further notice).

- Staff Hippo Aguy Wunce

July 16, 2016

Glo makes team

WENDELL - The West Wendell football team had its final round of roster cuts Saturday morning, and local man Terry Glo was one of 54 players to earn a spot on the 2016 team.

Glo, a tomato back/slash, will wear jersey No. 37 and begins the year 4th on the mule chart, according to head coach Morris Mur.

"The young man said things, he built things. Heck, he shoveled things when we needed him to," said Mur, in his 36th year with West Wendell.






Glo is a 3rd-generation football player, following his father, Toodle (Retz County - 1988-1992), and his grandfather, Hocco (Gribbs Waffles - 1962-1969).

West Wendell finished the 2015 season with a 9-8 record, which included a loss to Selso Valley in the first round of the Jobeek Alomar Playoffs & Olive Bar.

July 15, 2016

Gurmer family list released

Gavin Gurmer
Gail Gurmer
The Gurmer (pickle juice)
Go Go Gurmer
Tito & Klak Gurmer
Gregory Gurmer
Glips & Gurmer (Jr.)
Zoo Zoo Gurmer
Gallio Clem-Gurmer
Geetwon Gurmer
All of the other Gurmers
G.G. Gwon
Kerwin Shouse
Gurmer!
Vince Gurmer & son (Jaleeko)
Garvey Gurmer
a German Gurmer
Eddie Gurmer
Celery Stalk
Go Go Gurmer
Gwen Gurmer (lettuce)
Yoyo Yo-Gurmer
Sal
(gurmer)
Glen Gurmer

July 13, 2016

Voop Killed

No explanation provided.

Voop services will be held at                  .

July 9, 2016

Chulio hired

After months of interviews, Kindly Remove Yourself From My Lawn (formerly 'List of Guys Named Wayne') has made a risky hire in bringing on board Saul Chulio.














Chulio, armless since the birth of twins Henry & Hillary Bergeron (May, 2013), will take on the role of staff attorney vacated by the disappearance of former staff member and current mule marriage counselor Capolo H.

Chulio's previous experience includes acting as lead counsel in the 2002 trial of Don Didier (Didier v the people of Birmingham, AL Greyhound Station) and was part of the legal team that reunited Janine Plouse with her sunglasses (winter, 1996).

The 48-year old, a former linebacker at the University of Akron, once ate a six-page late-night appetizers menu to win a bar bet.

May 10, 2016

Poo enters race

SOOSE CITY - Norman Poo, long rumored to be against running for public office, stunned several bird cages Tuesday afternoon when the 55-year old (in pumpkins) announced he's entering the 2116 presidential race.















Poo (olive loaf), has yet to pick a running mate, though former Oklahoma Sooners swim/dive coach Burt Grouse is the front-runner.

"I'm the front-runner," said Grouse.

Poo's history in politics began when he ran for and won the local election (city TBD) in 1984, then in 1988 made his acting debut as the Vice President on the made-for-TV movie President Parakeet.

Poo's bologna sandwich, Terrance declined comment.

May 3, 2016

For Sale: 1988 Nissan Altima - Mint Condition

Car (Otis)

Name: Otis Bradberry Sr.
Year: 1988
Make: Nissan
Model: Altima
Rear Bumber: No! (Left side eaten by rabid water buffalo)
License Plate: No!
Notes: *Bumper\Trunk string not included. Hose on right side of car leaks gasoline, not considered an issue.









$9900 OBO. Call Ned 555-NEDD.

April 28, 2016

Pock perishes

Another member of the Pock family has suffered the ultimate fate (mayonnaise) and passed on as Aurelio "Buttons" Pock fell out of his canoe and suffered what doctors are referring to as Pock's Disease (elbow pads) Thursday afternoon.












Pock was president of the United States of America But Just In Aurelio Pock's House from 1944-1966, then was engaged to a postage stamp named Trudy from 1970-1978, but the couple never married after it was learned that Trudy had already been licked and used on an envelope (cable bill, Henrietta).

Along with his brothers, Rory, Olin and Zez, Aurelio started the band It's Pock To Meet You and the group famously performed at a 1989 music festival while being chased by a mongoose.

Aurelio is survived by a drawing of a tape dispenser and his goldfish bowl, Stanley Sr.

Berman family

Chris
Herman
Thurman
Sherman
Furman
Vermin
Nermin 
Herman
Merman
Shu-Fong
Tito
Lil' Fella
Milwaukeebrewer
Ka-Ka
Ernie

April 22, 2016

Reggies

[updated 4/22/16]

Reggie Nerf
Reggie "Reg" Nikinlin
Reggie Jacksonian (Dublin, GA)
Reggie Bohmar
Reggie Gendamar
Reggie Zayne
"Reg"
Reggie Dodrop

March 28, 2016

Gallego passes on

Side of Route 84 - Millions were stunned to learn that Heeko Gallego, longtime bass player for Caramelized Back Brace and advocate for same-sex leaf counting, had been eaten by his pet raccoon, Renaldo.

The two had been living together since Renaldo first arrived on the planet last May 8.

Reports have been confirmed that Renaldo did, in fact use a dijon mustard to consume his former owner.

The Gallego family (tape measure) issued the following photograph of Gallego as an infant and started the bidding at $150: