Cast Announced for Upcoming Independent Film

Salami Sandwich 2: Lost in the Deli



Starring:

Rodney Glenn as the Lettuce of Wisdom
Len Rainbow as Professor Izz
Elgin Pepano as Pastor Ivan Qwane of Holy Jesus! church
Junior A. Sherman as salami historian
Popsicle Gary as himself
Kip Kipperton as Capolo Henderson
Paul Paulfield III. as Bologna Boy
Ernie as the Singing Pumpernickel
Randy Mejito as Captain Ben Bolio
Grombo-9 as Pastrami Helmet Salesman/fisherman 3


In theatres February 5, 2011!

Breaking Exclusive: o7 Comeback Tour Announced

o7, previously killed in a blimp accident, is back, and they are "as mediocre as before."

o7 Press Release Photo


Left to Right - Chung Fonway - Vocals and Doo Guitar, Bip Bipperd - Bass, Nermin - Percussion and backup vocals

Chung Fonway had a recent stint as Staff Dead Person/Loser, but was quickly re-killed after his hire. In amazing fashion, however, he's back again - and ready to make music that will please four people.

"I'm back, and no one will kill me this time. I guarantee it," said Fonway.

As far as Mr. Bipperd, it is not known if he is actually alive, or if it is the ghost of Bipperd that is performing with o7. No matter, says the band's bassist. "Alive or dead, I really know how to slap the bass. And i'll perform other actions as well, such as grooming testicle hair on staff."

Nermin is a bird.

Look for o7 to announce their first comeback tour date somewhere in the near future. It figures to be in late January.

- Staff Correspondent Wolt Fremp

New Film Announced

"The Fetus Returns: Apocalypse in San Juan"

Hitting theaters near you in February '12.

Cast

Chuck Frozengard as the Platypus Priest
Oscar Rainbow as the evil King Baboon
Flooesa as Gary Chezzwitz
Rory Quink as the hot dog vendor
Yanni Kapowski as Gerald the Pig
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire
Farkk Mooso as Marc Russo
Kurt Aschermann as himself (cameo on toilet)
King Kong as Godzilla
Pal Fimply as Sal "Two-Face" Pepano

and introducing

Niffola Fucci as the smelly eggplant

Quink: Alive

Contrary to earlier reports that he had drowned in a mayonnaise pool, Sheshikiah Quink is, in fact alive, according to a photograph of a person with knowledge of the situation. Quink, who successfully had all the mailboxes in his neighborhood replaced with giant sneakers in the fall of 1983 and was bassist in the legendary band Smelling Gary, will continue to live in his shoebox with his pet hairbrush, Darryl.

- Correspondent Deidrick Bipperd

Staff Peanut Hired

A shocking development Friday afternoon as the Jerk announced the hiring of Pete "Peanut" Muskie as Staff Peanut. Muskie will oversee all peanut-related matters, including peanut war peace treaties and the production of Lil' Peanut's first rap album, Shell's Bells.

- Correspondent Vicky Kreimeier

Venley Quickly Eliminated

Sal Venley, hired as Staff Flat Screen TV early Friday, was killed a little later-than-early Friday by flying possum. Venley, who was the front-runner to fill the spot of Napubleian in the 2010 election, left behind a picture of a microwave and his goldfish, Trudy.

Let's not dwell on Venley's death and instead just move on with our lives.

Sal Venley Brought Onboard

Sal Venley, formerly Cort Ikkerman, has been hired as Staff Flat Screen TV, according to Robert Blompton, Staff Hirer.

Venley




Venley, who enjoys water skiing and murder, starts immediately. He released the following statement through his artichoke, Rick:

" I hate this blog and all of its staff members. I will do my best to be fired or killed immediately. Before that happens, however, I will remain in the 42nd floor cafeteria talking to Harold."

Please join us in welcoming Venley to our staff.

- Stinky Phopp

New HOF Inductee Announced

FAT NECK GLENN

Hey Jerk legend Minkus "Fat Neck" Glenn has been announced as the second blog Hall of Fame inductee. Glenn, current staff leader, was the first member of the blog to wrestle and eat a possum while fashioning a pair of buttered toast sandals (Capolo Times-January, 1983), as well as the second to be pelted to death by raisin (Twunk Wombat was the first - May, 1978). Glenn's proudest accomplishment was his portrayal of Dan Larusso in the epic, 2007 mini-series Miyagi Help Daniel Find Own Apartment.

Hey Jerk Announces First HJ Hall of Fame Inductee

In revolutionizing fashion, Hey Jerk is proud to announce the advent of the Hey Jerk Hall of Fame. Hall of famers are Hey Jerk icons that have left a lasting impression on not only this blog, but on the world.

Criteria to be eligible:

Alive or Dead.

The first member elected into the HJ HOF is.........

MROOBLE FONCHONSKI


Mrooble was the first of many Fonchonskis to grace this blog with his presence, and is responsible for such inventions as the "Fonchonski clip" and the "balloon." Fonchonski was murdered several times, but came back from the dead on all but one occasion. Unfortunately, Mrooble cannot be here to accept the induction, as he is once again deceased.

Alien Hired

Nugget-5 (From planet Zegg)


Will take on role of Staff Alien Loser.

Junes Hired

In the first of what is to be many Junes hirings, Footmund W. Junes was hired on this morning as Staff Foot.

Junes



Junes is believed to originate from the Planet Bloompto, where large talking feet are the norm. While it may seem odd to us here at the Jerk, we need to see past our discriminatory ideals and accept Footmund with open arms, or feet.

Welcome, Footmund W. (Whiskey) Junes!

"Capolo to Sea 2: Rainbow Attacks" Casting Revealed

Capolo as himself
DD Morris as Oscar Rainbow
Chuck Frozengard Jr. as "The Blimp"
Juzten Bogoba as Stan the shark
Oscar Rainbow as Illtz Febbers III
Shmoof Lintardo as Brad Kovacik
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire (Cameo)
Jetpack Jones as the man living under Rainbow's toe
Freeda Jixon as Mr. Miyagi
Gary Gwemlock as the wandering snowblower
Mrooble Fonchonski as the octopus
Rory Pock as the softball coach
Kurt Aschermann as the evil Dr. Boofkus

Scheduled to be released in early 2014.

Frozengard Eats Staff Member

Chuck Frozengard, longtime loser and Staff Hobo, was spotted in the 47th floor ladies restroom eating an already deceased Sam Scoombie early this morning. While it is unknown why the hobo felt the need to assassinate and eat Mr. Scoombie, Frozengard did mention that he "liked his Scoombie's with spicy mustard."

Scoombie (Dead)


As of 10:19 AM GST this morning, Mr. Frozengard was still in the restroom finishing off Mr. Scoombie's left calf.

- J. Testicalia

Joelson Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Joel Joelson, one of the first three-eared men to ever marry a tomato, as Staff Joelson. The 46-year old had worked as lead detective in the lasagna thefts of 1984 and was the editor-in-chief at joeljoelson.blogspot.com before the site was destroyed in a walrus fire.

Heinrich, the cartoon mouse that lives in Joelson's naval, was also hired.

Casting Chosen for New Film

Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story


Cast:

Pal Fimply as Shmoof Lintardo
Mick Rooso as Fat Neck Glenn
Ernie Holoogala as Capolo/Evil Capolo
Nick Kiprio as the talking banana
Padrick Zin as Stinky, the Softball Player Who Couldn't
Gheorge Muresan as Robert Feathers
Calvin Bechtold as Zirnbo 14
Pip Glenn as Jerry the Canary
Miles Derner as Oscar Rainbow
Rosie O'Donnell as Aunt Estelle
Von Paysley as the advice-giving toaster oven
Kirk Sherman Jr. as the ghost of Eddie Bagel


In theaters January 1!

Lintardo Hired

Shmoof Lintardo, longtime Kovacik supporter, has been hired on as Staff Kovacik in what is being called "The hire of the minute."

Lintardo


While many staff members are wary of a Staff Kovacik, leadership at HJ has believed that a Kovacik has been necessary in order to take our blog to the next level for some time now. Lintardo released the following statement through his PR rep, Farkk Mooso:

"I am honored to represent such a world renowned clan such as the Kovaciks, and will do everything in my power to represent the standards by which they operate: Stinkyness, gas, and hairy asses."

Please join us in welcoming Shmoof to staff.

- James Testicalia, Lead Correspondent, Hey Jerk

Vanderells Dead

Hannah Vanderells was found deceased under Bobby Feathers' cubicle desk this morning.

No more information will become available on this subject.

Vanderells Stops By

Hannah Vanderells stopped by Hey Jerk headquarters Wednesday afternoon to say hello.

We'll have more information on this story as it becomes available.

Staff Segway Hired

Yimp Bogoba, another in a long line of Bogobas, has been hired on as Staff Segway.

Bogoba


"While I have no experience in Segwaying, I feel as if I can most likely offer some sort of benefit to this staff. I make eggs."

No one cared about the hiring as of 1 PM GST.

- James T.

New Bogoba Hired, Several Staff Members Screaming

Shitknuckle Bogoba, long known "terrorist of the north," has been hired on as Staff Computer.

Bogoba

Bogoba, who is long known to have alliances with the Rainbow family, plans on world domination.

"My role as Staff Computer is two-fold: First, I will compute things as if I were a computer. Second, I will use my computational skills to devise a plan for world domination - during my non-working hours, of course."

Several Staff members, including Brucklin Crugg, were seen screaming and sprinting around HQ upon the arrival of Shitknuckle. Crugg has since been proclaimed missing.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

Second Bogoba Hired, Rumors of World Domination Begin

Juzten Bogoba, no relation to Venton Bogoba, was hired early this morning as Staff Dachsund.

Bogoba


Bogoba, formerly James Testicalia, will start immediately. Bogoba brings several years of experience with him to HJ, including 14 years as Staff Quilt at rival blog BogobaForever.Blogspot.Com.

"I'm taking on the role of Staff Dachsund with one foot in the air, and the other on the ground."

Juzten is known to carry around a small man that lives on his left eyeball (Gerry), and has a penchant for Great Danes.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

First Bogoba Hired

Venton Bogoba, a member of the prominent Bogoba family, has been hired as staff waver. Bogoba will be responsible for waving at passing motorists, floral arrangements and new staff banister, Don Menkley.

The Bogoba File

Age: N/A
Family: pine cone (Dwayne), marble (Betsy), daughter (Pinecone)
Military history:

1984-1986: soldier in the War of Many Salads. Wounded by cabbage schrapnel and received honorable discharge in May, 1986.

1988: captain of the 7th infantry in Pinch War of '88. Had eleven pinches in Mexico City (June, 1988)

1996-2006: lieutenant in United States giant ear core. Fought in several conflicts, including the Battle to Maintain Paul Paulfield's Hairpiece and the Asparagus Misunderstandings of '03. Retired from military service in December, 2006.

Work experience:

1972-1975: Salesman at Hank's Bait & Tackle Shop. Fired, January, 1975 for improper use of a dip bait.
1976-1977: Agent for child star Casey Iris. Fired and briefly imprisoned in November, 1977 for theft of sneakers.
1979-1982: Revising resume
1983: Power forward for the Richburg Torpedos basketball team. Released in February, 1983 after contract dispute/alleged referee kidnapping.

Phopp Found

Stinky Phopp, a staff correspondent, finally made an appearance at Jerk headquarters Monday afternoon. The former mustard drinking contest champion made a mess in his shorts, took several envelopes from the supply closet and declared war on the sink in the 3rd floor restroom before running into the east woods.


Phopp

Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.

Jones Passes Away

Oboe Jones, who was hired in late-July as staff orchestra, died in a violin fire early Monday. Jones, 62, was attempting to reunite a violin with its estranged mother when the string instruments caught on fire. Jones, who wasn't liked by anyone on staff, was eating a fingernail sandwich at the time and didn't see the flames.

Instead of funeral services, we're just going to go about our business like Oboe Jones was never hired in the first place. His dart board would've wanted it that way.


- Correspondent Thom O'Day

Sanchules Grinded Into Sausage

Kurt Sanchules, longtime unnecessary Staff Kiwi, was grinded into a pile of spicy Sanchules Sausage early Monday morning, according to Pip Glenn, who performed the ancient ritual.

Sanchules (Dead)

Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:

"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."

It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.

- Stinky Phopp

Saturday Cancellations

Racquetball: Drunville vs. Wonto's Deli, moved to Monday at 8:00 a.m.
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17

Autographed card for sale

Raul Mondesi



* Personalized to staff editor Capolo


$.07
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Hey Jerk's 1st Anniversary Party

Cake baked by editor Aunt Estelle


Editors Oscar Rainbow and Capolo


Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard


Salami (did not make appearance)

Pinecone Eaten

A dark period in the Jerk's history has ended as Theodore "Teddy" Pinecone has been eaten by an alligator. Pinecone, who recently published his first novel "Smells I Smell", was frolicking in a nearby swamp when an alligator, Vincent, swallowed whole the former staff tree.

Pinecone leaves behind a pot of mashed potatoes. Funeral services were scheduled for Saturday at 1:00 p.m., but were canceled due to lack of interest. The mailbox flag eating contest will continue as scheduled, Sunday at 10:00 a.m.

Gary Grape's Day at the Beach

Hanging

The whole town attended the hanging-by-swiss-cheese of Groover Bumbeeto.

**RESULTS OF ANNUAL AUDIT**

As you may recall, the Hey Jerk team recently retained the services of Carlos Consultant to examine a few concerning blog statistics. The results of the audit were revealed at today's annual meeting.

It was determined that Hey Jerk has an annual turnover rate of 58%. While high, it's not the 90% turnover rate previously assumed by insiders. The continuous hiring of new staff (on nearly a daily basis) into new positions balances out the rate. A few important statistics follow:

- The Jerk has hired 130 individuals into 130 positions (creating new positions for each individual rather than replacing exiting employees)
- One staff member has been hired twice. After being summarily fired, Chuck Frozengard was rehired as Staff Hobo on a probationary basis. He is banned from coming within 16 feet of a VCR; should he violate this agreement, he will again be let-go.
- Out of the 75 employees no longer with Hey Jerk, 72 died. Only 3 employees left for other reasons (Wendell Didier: Under Arrest; Zezbro 7: On the Run; Chuck Frozengard: Fired and rehired). Cause and effect has not yet been determined. The board will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss whether working at the Jerk is deadly or if management is inclined to hire people in "Death's Shadow."
- While many employees died in mundane ways (killed in Queh fire, dead by pen cap overdose, eaten by hippo, etc.), Chlembhat 16 was the unfortunate victim of interplanetary warfare. He remains the only Hey Jerk staffer to have died via hyper-neon ray gun.
- In addition to its 130 staff positions, Hey Jerk is the owner of three freestanding buildings. The Hey Jerk Jail (also known as Bertrund) houses Wendell Didier and Sanjay Gupta's cousin. This property is valued at 74,000 yen. The Hey Jerk Courthouse will be going up for auction this weekend. Finally, the Hey Jerk Headquarters have been renovated with indoor plumbing and floral wallpaper, boosting the eventual resale value by fifty percent to $0.04.

Carlos Consultant plans to work with the Hey Jerk board and proctologists from the local research hospital to determine what's killing Jerk employees. Stay tuned.

Plepbo 77 Flies Away, Presumed Deceased

Plepbo 77, hired on as the completely unnecessary Staff Windshield several weeks ago, was seen flying due north from HQ around 3:30 AM. Around 3:42 AM, Plepbo was spotted flying directly into the jet exhaust of an Airtran 757, and was presumed dead.

Plepbo (Dead)

Staff Smung Horace Smung commented on the death:

"Even though we had no idea what Plepbo was, or what his purpose was here, we all enjoyed his company. His green excrement entrails will be missed around HQ - you always knew where Plepbo was or had been."

Look for a new alien to be hired by weeks end.

- Stinky Phopp

Baga Dies In Wheelbarrow Crash

Staff felon Wixom Baga died Monday evening in a wheelbarrow accident. The 42-year old, longtime wheelbarrow enthusiast and married to a wheelbarrow, Samantha, crashed into the Capolo River after leaving a salami function.

Baga left behind a turtle-shaped sprinkler, a small bag of toenails and his Banana Gentry bobblehead doll, which was covered in dead spiders.

Consultant Hired

The Hey Jerk team has hired a consultant, Carlos Consultant, to examine their 90% staff turnover rate.

Upon being hired by Hey Jerk, many previously outstanding applicants have fled, been fired immediately, or perished in unusual ways. Carlos will work hard to understand what's really going on.

"We're concerned that our high turnover rate is negatively affecting the quality of our blog," said correspondent Cal Naughton Jr. "It's gotten to the point where the majority of our posts are dedicated to sharing internal company matters with our readers."

New Smung On Staff, Kills Bagel

In a move some are calling "revenge," Horace Smung has been hired on as Staff Smung. His first order of business was to begin "Revenge Campaign 2010" and kill Carlos Bagel, a longtime Rainbow sympathizer. Smung "Smunged" Bagel, and at the current time it is not known what that means.

Horace Smung





Bagel (Dead)




"There will be more of my family. We won't slither around and take this type of abuse. We've lost Clive probably forever, but Ummbot is a man waiting in the wings."


- Staff Editor in Waiting Cal Naughton Jr.

Smung Killed

With the news of Capolo retreating to the woods, there was no longer a need to employ someone to keep his nether-regions clean. So, in a brutal slaying, Clive Smung was murdered by vacuum. No one will miss Smung or his giant glasses. Funeral services were cancelled and instead the entire staff will be treated to Asparagus Ice Cream, courtesy of the Smung family.

Capolo Retreats to Forest

Breaking news from outside Hey Jerk headquarters as staff editor Capolo has apparently retreated to the woods to re-evaluate his life. The move to the woods was anticipated after the longtime editor and self-appointed "leader of the possum people" made a disturbing entry into his diary late Saturday:

Just returned from my meeting with Murray. He suggested I spend a few days in the north woods while things cool down. Tempers flared during a routine hamburger bun-inspection at the Inn Friday, and threats were made towards me and several of my lint traps. This doesn't feel like the idle threats and empty promises of previous regimes. This has the makings of a full-scale war and only the strongest and eyebrowless will survive. I'm bringing my finest celery in the hopes I can negotiate a suitable living space.

Capolo's duties at the blog, which include standing and pointing at things, will be handled by correspondent Cal Naughton Jr., while we monitor the situation for at least the next 20-25 minutes.

"I will take the responsibility of this job as I approach life-wearing a pastrami helmet," said Naughton Jr.



Last known photo of Naughton Jr. (June, 1996)

Blog Access

To proceed to heyjerkgetoffmylawn.blogspot.com, please enter the code.

Smung Hired, Feathers Spotted with Walrus

Clive Smung, the first in a long line of Smungs to come to this blog, as been hired on by Editor Capolo as Staff Capolo Ballsack Washer.

Smung


Smung, a human caterpillar, had the following to say after his hire:

"The Smung family is a proud clan, and I intend to keep those testes spotless. At the same time, we will fight the Rainbow clan and their attempts at dictatorship."

On a side note: HQ was attacked by a pack of rabid walruses today around noon. While there were no known casualties, Bobby Feathers was found in the 14th floor restroom fornicating with a walrus who said his name was "Albert." Upon being caught, Feathers screamed and ran out the door pantsless. It is believed that he has relocated to the water heater closet in the basement.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

The Repercussions of Your Actions

"That's it! I'm going on a diet!" yelled Molly. She had no idea her simple decision would have such far-reaching consequences.

Toothpaste Found on Local Toothbrush

Stay with the Jerk for more details.

Claymore Brought on Board

Fetus "Feety" Claymore has been hired as staff dummy, effective as soon as the three-year old completes a nostril depth test. It's the first child hire since the Rocco Frompley Catastrophes of '09.

Claymore's assistant, a fettuccine noodle named Darren, was also added to the staff.

Sunday cancellations

Society for the Earless Gentleman: meeting moved to November 21
Whistle Battle 2010: postponed indefinitely
Softball: Capolo's Destroyers vs. Team 6, Hamster Hut vs. Bobcats
Gary Appreciation Day: January, 2011

Rocky vs. Marsupial

Mr. Balboa had no idea he was about to face his toughest opponent yet.

Wish I'd gotten a dog...

Baywatch in Snakes

Walter the Walrus

Later that day, Walter decided it was finally time to visit the eye doctor.

Grinold Goes Poo

Grinold backed away from his car and found the perfect, secluded spot to pop a squat.

When Bad Things Happen to Good Bananas

Have you ever asked yourself...

"Huh, when did I eat corn?"

Finally, Staff Dinkus Hired

Gerald Dinkus, an uncircumsized penis with 20/400 vision, has been hired to take on the role of Staff Dinkus.

Dinkus



After going nearly a year without a Staff Dinkus, it was decided by senior management that the blog could not take the next step towards world domination without a Dinkus on staff.

"I've got a cheese problem, and I tend to stink, but I'm going to bring a new type of odor to this blog. And watch out for me in chess. Don't challenge me."

Please join us in welcoming Gerald to our staff.

- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

Faalib Era Ends

Gub Faalib, former staff idiot, has been eaten by Maury Dinkus, according to Blinz County police chief Melik Ruso. Faalib, who spent more than 50 years in a Chinese prison and nearly four hours in the parking lot of a Chinese prison, was reciting his famous poem "10 Things I Glued Onto You" when Dinkus started snacking. Several staff members, including editors Capolo and Eddie Xomcheese were present at the time, but refused to help Faalib.

"The man had four arms. If I was really hungry and I saw Faalib, I probably would've eaten him, too," said Capolo. "Besides, he sawed off half of my desk chair and also tried to sleep with my ex-houseplant, Martha. I'm glad he's dead."

"Faalib? I've never heard of her," said Xomcheese.

The Faalib funeral will be held this Sunday at 3:00 p.m.; insects and sweat cups will be served.

Clyde Jackson Hired

Clyde Jackson has been hired as Staff Ron.

Jackson


- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

Zipprio Hired

Lance Zipprio
Position: Staff Smell

Faalib Hired

Gub Faalib, once imprisoned for over 50 years in a Chinese prison, has been brought on by Staff Hirer Rob Blompton. Faalib has agreed in principle to take on the role of Staff Idiot, while receiving absolutely no compensation from the Jerk.

Faalib

"I've got ova fowty yeahs expewience in the ideeut industree."

Other than making that statement, Faalib quickly retreated to the office playground and is believed to be hiding out inside the enclosed slide.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp