Franz Hooheh: A Retrospective

Franz Garrogalo Hooheh (c. 1777-1912) was a widely respected Odorologist in his hometown of Europe. This post should be considered a tribute to his lasting memory, and odor (he is still smelled in several areas of eastern Europe.)

Hooheh circa 1467

Franz was a man of great integrity. He was once noted for "making with honor" in Berlin in the early 40's. His legacy will be forever ingrained in our history as a great philanthropist, podiatrist. and cardiologist. Hooheh also once successfully mated with a hippo (New York Inquirer - October 1646) and conceived a child, Henry (Died November, 1412).

We would like to welcome Mr. Hooheh onboard as the next Staff Assistant to the Glenn, effective immediately. Please join us for cake,crumpets and poo in staff room 4E.

- Staff Moron Oscar Rainbox

Tuesday cancellations

Adult softball

Team 4 at Jill's Jellybean Co. - postponed (porpoise)
The Experience at Chubbs McGee - moved to 7:00 p.m. (ant wedding)

Ear removal surgeries

Victor Zink - October 1
Capolo Henderson III. - May 7, 2013

Passed

Hehe Hahhah

Excerpt from new book released

Hey Jerk has obtained an excerpt from Capolo Henderson's new autobiography, The Following Is A List Of People I Know:


7. Moop Beverly

Shermer Passes

Aldis Shermer, "the man who ate a potato and bathed in a pool of front lawn in the 70s", has died of potato overdose, according to a Harriet Leonard with knowledge of the situation.

Shermer, who had a Maylow County-record four belly buttons, played for and scored four goals for the Chicago Blackhawks from 1988-1994, then married a piece of grilled salmon in May, 2006, was four months away from retiring as the mayor of IshMish, Maryland.

Funeral services are scheduled for September 22 at 4:00 p.m. Harolds and Danielles will be served.


- Staff correspondent J.J. Jaboo

Letter to Melvin Bly Jr.

Mr. Bly,

My client, William Petunia (of the Norfolk, VA, Petunias) has informed of your recent email correspondence. I regret to inform you and your people that if these "automated responses", or whichever you call them in your country, do not stop we will be forced to take legal action.

As Mr. Petunia has probably informed you, I have been imprisoned for the last 2 1/2 years for crimes committed against one Marvin Piso. Mr. Piso claimed I stole several cartons of cigarettes from him and used the tobacco inside the cigarettes to fuel a rocket to the ceiling. This is, of course, both ridiculous and factual. I found the best lawyer I could find (a life-size poster of myself) to act on my defense. Sadly, during my trial the poster could never find the right words to say and we just sat in silence for weeks.

Excuse me, I need a minute to reevaluate my position (backup right fielder) and my life goals with my goldfish, Deondre.

In the meantime, I await your response,


Robert Feathers, esq

Words Used For a Group of People

- people
- camp
- cronies
- clan
- church
- followers
- society
- Al Winston
- cabinet
- team
- compatriots
- family
- herd
- community
- circle
- congregation
- faction
- alligator feet
- lot
- legion
- posse
- crew
- Gregory Falmoose

Swineface Rainbow Hired

Swineface Rainbow, cousin of Gorilla Rainbow (deceased) and great uncle of Giraffe Rainbow (missing) has been hired on as Staff Pig.

Upon hearing of the hire, Swineface "Shit" Rainbow was thrilled. He promises to "stink up the place" as well as bring an end to all pro-Larry sentiment around HQ.

"We've all gone too soft these days around The Jerk. Larry's have become acceptable, and in some cases, even preferred. We need to get back to our roots, to what got us here - a strict anti-Larry platform with a clean slate for a better America in 2019."

Rainbow brought his pet beluga whale, Simon, along with him for the 18 hour flight to HQ. He will be seated in the 415th floor water closet where he will be confined via steel locking mechanisms and under 24-7 surveillance.

- Staff Rainbow man Oscar Rainbox

Rogarogarog era begins

The Jerk has made an influential hire in bringing on Rog Rogarogarog, a former container of engine coolant who should change the site's Leonard culture.

"He should change the site's Leonard culture," said assistant staff Leonard Leonard Rabbit.

Rogarogarog grew up in a fireplace in Hopatcong, New Jersey and was married to a glass of orange juice from 1993-1997, according to Ned Baker's autobiography Untitled.

Berry Killed

Schlofko Berry, and his unknown accomplice, has been murdered by Shonsen Pepano Sr.

Berry (DEAD)

Berry was wanted for crimes committed in "previous lives" and for cow incest. He will be remembered most for the 1977 hippo fellatio he performed on the mound at Fenway Park in Boston, relieving old Lenny Hippo of his "hippo juice" on national TV.

Services will be held at the Burger King in Conyers, Ga. Kirk Ashirmen will be on the 1's and 2's, and the President will be there to enjoy a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake.

- Staff Berry Man Walt Waltson

Thursday Cancellations

Beach volleyball

Team 4 at Johnny's Beach Volleyballers 3 - postponed (penguin riot)
Ron's Paints & Stuff at House of Gooba-Gooba- moved to 6:30 p.m.

Semipro Olive Fights

Vanessa & Friends vs. Ronald Jr. - Next Thursday at 4:30 p.m.
Sasha vs. The Experience - November 8th
Those Guys at Team 7 - postponed (mashed potato dunk tank semi finals)

Little Danny: American Hero

"That's what they're saying down on Capolo Avenue, though I never much cared for the man."

- Reverend Orville Foo, 1:05 p.m. GST

Foo's words were part of a lovely eulogy for the recently-slain former back hair model Daniel "Little Danny" Farfel, who passed Wednesday morning as part of the Farfel-Pepano War of 1936.

Little Danny grew up on Piso Street, "slinging stones for paper" (as the song says) and dreaming of a career in Snow Business. When he realized he lived in a place where the temperature rarely got below 75 degrees, he made plans to move over there. But over there had burned down during a Mejito Fire, so in 1983 Little Danny did what many Farfels had done before him: marry a hard-boiled egg.

The couple divorced in the fall of 1986 after an argument over yolk, Little Danny had to pay Shellimony and it nearly left him bankrupt.

All seemed Lonnie Torkelson, but this past summer the 73-year old had seemed to turn his life around. He was exercising in his bathtub again, he was eating three square horse ears a day, and he was finally in Snow Business.

("I Buried Murray Bly In Snow", starring Harriet Lyle & Little Danny, July 7-12 at Feathers Auditorium).

And at around 11:00 a.m. GST, Farfel was killed by Boo Boo Pepano.

Daniel Farfel
1900-2012

Ham Sandwich
2012-2012

RooHahHah Weng Hired

RooHahHah Falmecious Weng has been hired, effective immediately, as Staff Television.

Weng

Weng, formerly Staff Rhubarb at the rival establishment thebobbyclassifieds.com, will be immediately stationed in the 112th floor break room for employee enjoyment. A few notes essential to proper use of Mr. Weng:

- The "on" button is located on Dr. Weng's left rear cheek, near the polar-bear type shaped mark
- Never use the "on" button
- When you wish to view television, simply state the channel you would like to tune to and sing "God Bless America"
- If Dr. Weng does not respond, kick him repeatedly in his nether regions until he either complies or releases his makings on the floor
- Volume is an option, but is discouraged
- The television may or may not spew a phlegm like substance during usage - please ignore
- Dr. Weng will refuse to tune and any Spanish speaking channel (religious)
- RooHahHah prefers an everything bagel if requested to be used before 4 PM in the afternoon
- Wanted in case of 1988 Dom Chestnut serial murders
- Weng may shout obscenities or make rude gestures when called upon (Weng v. The State of Utah, March 1823)
- Weng will consider after hours usage for those working overtime, but normally requires "favors" in these cases
- Little Danny is no longer with us

While we should all be grateful to now have a television at HQ, leader Fat Neck Glenn has warned not to take this for granted. He has threatened to "remove Mr. Weng by force" should any employees not abide to the Weng Statutes or attempt to date Dr. Weng on an outside of work basis.

Welcome, RooHahHah Weng!

- Staff TV Man Travis Kung

Letter to Belinda Pershack

Good evening,

My step-brother William inquired recently about possibly having you and your people remove from his lawn several hippo carcasses. As of the composing of this letter (May 3, 1947) he has not received a response.

I would like this matter to be resolved immediately, or I get the mouse gun out of storage. You don't want that.


Sincerely,
E. Ploop