"Bison Embarrass Themselves"

That was the headline from the now-defunct Tribune Daily and their feature story on the Hey Jerk Bison's 28-0 loss to Ruttlestown B at F.N. Glenn Stadium & Used Vegetable Shack.

The Bison were coming off a December 21 shutout of Provo High School, but literally came out flat in week seven.

"A few of our players were flattened by the #8 bus before practice Monday," said Bison interim coach Raheem Morris. "I mean, they were taunting the bus, telling it to 'come on, run me over bus. I bet you can't even run me over,' according to some witnesses. And I heard there was a lot of soy sauce involved. Either way, it's tough to play a football game with six players. Really five, because the one-year old, Mitch, I think her name is, can barely stand."

Ruttlestown B, with future Hall of Ernie quarterback Bert Larson, marched down the field on the game's opening drive, and went up 6-0 when Larson found an overripe tomato in the back of the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown.

With several players flat and unable to participate, such as running back Skip Ruso, quarterback Kurt Sherman and tight end Trevon'Tashius McKlinton, the Bison went to seldom-used Bernie Buckles to lead the offense. Unfortunately, Buckles had died in the mid-1980s and the Bison had to punt. Ruttlestown took advantage, using its famous "eggplant play" as wide receiver Quinathony McRae took an end-around and ran 99 yards for a touchdown with the ball in his dungarees to make it 14-0.

Halftime speech from Bison interim coach Bill Cartwright (while brushing his teeth):

"This is where they separate the Ronalds from the Jeromes!"

And that's exactly what the Bison did. Ronald Herndon was placed in a giant suitcase and mailed to Bangor, Maine, while Jerome Wu was named starting quarterback for the second half.

On the opening kickoff, Wu overdosed on kick off tee and passed away.

Funeral services were scheduled for February 7 to coincide with Peanut Day and Wu's religious belief in talking peanut shells.

Late in the third quarter, Ruttlestown took a commanding, 28-0 lead when Larson hooked up with recently-signed wide receiver Pat Zyn (4 years, $7 million toe nails) for an 83-year touchdown. Zyn, who was only wearing the left leg of his pants, was attacked by several Bison players, including Johnathan "Lundquist" Hu, and transported to Capolo Medical Institute where he was pronounced "Stan".

Hey Jerk's final offensive drive ended in mashed potatoes as Hu fell down in mashed potatoes, though it did end up being an early start to the team's annual Mashed Potato Pool Family Fun Night.


Final: Ruttlestown 28, Bison 0