Quarterfinals - Ugly Football Coach Bracket

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul

Recap: Tip off at the Thunderdome was scheduled for 7 PM EST, but instead occurred around 4:32 AM this morning as both participants showed up at the dome in their underwear demanding the referees perform a jump ball. O'Leary, upon losing the jump ball to Johnson, pulled a .45 Magnum out of his undies and murdered Johnson as well as all referees and scorekeepers present, proclaiming himself the winner. He celebrated on the court by performing the macarena dance and drooling maniacally all over his chest hair before exiting the arena to the theme song of "Rocky."

2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles

Recap: Rainbow Facility for Idiots was packed to the brim, with a sold out crowd of over 99,000. Holtz chose to enter riding his favorite pig, Francis, while Weis was carried in by 17 friends and family while eating a turkey leg. Holtz won the jump ball and immediately fell down. An accident on the floor by Holtz led to a 15 minute delay for clean up, and the game was resumed. Late in the 4th quarter, with the score tied 0-0, Weis finally finished his turkey leg and threw the bone at Holtz, who was attempting a layup from his wheel chair. Holtz screamed "communism!" and Weis ran down the court, ate Holtz, and scored the winning basket with 1 second left on the clock.

Coming Tomorrow:

4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph


3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin

Ugly Football Coach Initial Bracket Released

1 O'Leary, George
                          Thursday, December 18th - The Thunderdome!
8 Johnson, Paul




4 Mangino, Mark
                          Friday, December 19th - Metlife Stadium!
5 Pelini, Boseph




3 Freidgen, Ralph
                          Friday, December 19th - The Georgia Dome!
6 Beamer, Franklin




2 Holtz, Louis
                         Thursday, December 18th - Rainbow Facility for Idiots!
7 Weis, Charles

Durmont hired

In local Durmont news, Dwayne Dudley "Darren" Durmont has been hired as staff Durmont, pending the results of the 52-year old's elbow removal surgery.

"If it's a clean shaving of the elbows, he's hired. No questions asked. But if it takes us bringing in extra people, who have to be paid overtime and have to be given room and boar, then that's an entirely different discussion we're going to have. This was also an entirely different discussion we had. I'm going to jot that down in my discussion book."

- Anonymous

Durmont's career goes back to the late-1970s when he was 2nd-chair tuba in the Clarkston Dwayneharmonic. After being tried and convicted of smuggling doughnuts into the United States in his tuba (Durmont Dmuggles Doughnuts - San Paneeko Times, October, 1981), Durmont was sentenced to 25 years with lice underneath the dining room table of Carl and Maryjo Zimmerman.

  
Durmont in happier times (Staff photo: Jo hee-jo Pong)


Upon his release in January, 2007, Durmont began searching for Jesus, but has yet to Find him.

"I did find him," Durmont said later in 2007, while pointing to a man later identified as Herman Waxler.

Durmont's pet salamander, Linda Bakersfield, will not be joining the staff, as had been previously reported.

"Forgotten 7" found

Michael Vick: "I wasn't Prepared"

Michael Vick was not "prepared" to come in against the Chargers last week. Things Michael Vick was preparing for:

- Apple Picking Contest - Arddsale, Virginia
- Last night's burrito "fighting back" in stall 4c - Jets Locker Room
- Political Debate - Foreign Relations - Section 213
- "Dancing with the Stars" - Scheduled viewing of Tuesday night's re-run
- Impromptu sideline breakdancing tournament - double elimination
- Scheduled feeding of his pet walrus, Walt - 4:30 PM EST
- Urinating on the fan in Section 114, Row B, Seat 9 - "Religious"
- Trying on mother's maternity pants, "as discussed"
- RBI Baseball Tournament - "It's New York's Turn"
- Early morning bagel preparation - need to be IN BED by 3:30 PM EST
- Rex Ryan Neck Massage - Between Third and Fourth Quarter

And Finally....

- Potential Cheetah Invasion

- Staff moron Oscar Q. Rainbow

Ronnie Machine Located

"The Ronnie Family has Arrived." - Ronald Ronnie, Sr.

That was the announcement made by President Ronnie upon his arrival at Hartsfield Jackson Airport just moments ago. Details were not offered, but the Atlanta Police Department did offer this juicy tidbit:

"The Ronnie Family is here." - Chief of Police Elevator Ploop Jr. 

Be on high alert. The Ronnie's are internationally renowned "smack" smugglers and are also wanted for several Yahtzee scam operations. 

- Staff President Wilbur Wen

Quote of the Day - Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan

"The puck is something we need to possess more."

- Brendan Shanahan

New names for Capolo Henderson

Com-pelio

"Cah" "Pohlo"

Corvit Compelio

Capolo Q

Kee-Kee Henderdonk

C-Henderson-C

Polo C. Ahenderson

Kirby Capowlo

Capoolio Henderson

C.C. Hender-Polo

Ca? Po....lo?

[Source: Capolo Weekly - September 5-11]

"Squiggleshitz Passes On...

...to a better life." - Brian Roberts

Barnard Squiggleshitz has left us here on Planet Derner, passing his soft-serve ice cream at approximately 3:05 p.m. MUST (Murray Standard Time).

"Squiggey was my best friend. I'm really really going to miss him." - microwave

The former 47, 48 and 49-year old leaves behind "dozens of unopened pieces of mail" (Didier Illustrated, Vol. 13, Issue 17), an autographed picture of former New York Pecans right fielder Dominic Dom-D'Mog'io, two tickets to Ketchup On Ice and a delicious recipe for Sandpaper Pasta written on a sheet of yellow, lined paper.

"And a VHS copy of the 1977 motion picture Another Girl Named Tiffany at Tiffany's." - Pastor/Bassist Bobby Feathers

Squiggleshitz's position as staff photograph of an onion has already been filled by a video of an unidentified man stepping on an onion.

[onion] - anonymous

President Hu Returns

President Hu, last seen traversing the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to increase drunken walrus awareness, has returned to HQ and will take over as Staff President, effective immediately. Thus ends the era of Sylvan Snugg, who did nothing and was thoroughly disliked.

Snugg was found in his cubicle on the C-wing of floor 144 this morning.

Snugg (Dead)

President Hu

Expect Hu's first order of business to be urinal removal on floor 26.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

RBI - The Tourney

RBI - The Tourney

Yetz family tree released

Final exam

Test taken by: Bobby Feathers

June 28, 2014

1. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

No

2. Are you prepared for the day when God sends his only son, Jesus from heaven?

What do 500 WELCOME JESUS cupcakes tell you?

3. Do you reject Satan?

If he's going to drive the lane with some weak, "prep school floater", I'm going to let him know this is my house, and you don't bring that weak stuff into my house.

Note: if the game was being played at Satan's house (hell or perhaps the Palumbo Center - go Dukes!), then in my answer we'd have to twice replace the word 'house' with 'lane' or 'painted area'.

4. Where do you think sinners who don't repent go after they die?

O'Charley's

5. Do you expect to go to heaven when you die?

Let's just say the things I expect for myself you could fit into the 'Grand Can'.

It's a brand of Vienna sausages they have at the Shell station down the street from my apartment.

6. If your answer to question 1 was 'no', isn't it now time for you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

No

Staff Car Hired

Alberto "El Coche" Th'Car has been hired on as Staff Car.

Th'Car

Th'Car Bio

Name: Albertovitch Juan-Pablo Adam Terry Eduardo Th'Car

Nickname: "El Coche" , "Coolie Inspector" , "Ed" , "El Presidente" , "Layla Woo"

DOB: 1997

Make: Mazda 6 Series

Facial Hair: Mustache, sometimes shaven (August, 1988)

Spot Number: 216

Murders: Yes

Spouse: Cooliemobile, Married September 2008


Alberto joins us from his previous employer, Kroger, where he was responsible for all Mule related inquiries and Mule related meats. Prior to Kroger, Alberto was a fast food manager at Capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com. Prior to that, Alberto was a serial killer in Taiwan. Prior to that, Alberto was not alive.

Fun Fact: Alberto starred in the 1977 remake of "Has Anyone Located Abraham Lincoln's Left Shoe? For the Love of Christ!" alongside Winston Pock. The film lasted 3 days in theaters and was later declared "Worst Film Ever Made" by the New York Post.

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Th'Car to our staff.

- Staff Dead Moron Darren Durly

Poomb's nose declared national landmark

An historic event has taken place as Oswald Poomb, "the turkey sandwich of Moosh Valley Farms" (Dansby Times, May, 1976) has had his nose declared a national landmark.

That nation, Hyborg-44, has been in political turmoil since late-2011 after the election of the first hot dog bun mayor. A special ceremony honoring the nose will take place at the Hyborg-44 town square on June 24. Pieces of Jerry Poomb will be served, as per the family's request.

Poomb's nose, which contains retired librarian Linda Bell & the surviving members of the musical group Eggs For Craigs, turned 44-years old in April.

Shosha Shash is DEAD!

Shosha Shash, longtime Assistant to Harvey Boclimint, has perished. 

Shash (Dead)

It is believed that Shoshanivich Shash Jr. took his own life via owl. No further details were given, but the owl, Ken, is alive and being placed with a foster family by authorities. 

Lenny the Hippo was not involved. Please direct any Lenny the Hippo concerns to Staff Gerald Fred Flumm (geraldfredflummjr@gmail.com).

- Staff Correspondent Vidal Nuno

A Text Conversation

Capolo names: the month that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 5/12/14 at 3:00 p.m. EST
Ended:  6/12/14 at 3:24 p.m. EST

Hal Hofferbach
Wilbur Donnafee
Detlef Schrempf
Yonayme Shtinkks
N’Name Gooch
Medium Sized Gill
Edwin B’Donk
Pupu Votto
Akahiro Potaka
C Sabathia
Charlston Wolfey
Larry Lahoo
Phil Glubley
Nini Nockafocka
Nono N’Yes
Juan Caba
Warren Hoovo
Gary Gahoo
Ol’ Man Farley
Rafael Poobah
Jacques Plutarski
Billy Bobbowitz
Horatio Horootio
Alfredo Aceves
Jacoby Ellsbury
Big Ern Brozway
Norman Bly
Harold Blutarsky
Heinrich Spectorwuggles
Donald Ponycack
Dustin Takarsky
Robbie Torcatchio
Billy McDung
Ron Reagan
Juju Johnstone
Scott Sizemore
Alfonso Soriano
William Badinsky
Warren Spahn
Juju Jacob Johnstone
Make-Make Callaway
Lars Lahoo
Calvin Esposito
Hectie Flubb
Pablo PaChoochio
Specialtimes McGinty
Ed Dequantaviousdequantaviasmith
Lil’ Clint Hurdle Jr.
Joe Girardi
Harold Horrssen
Billy Jablonski
Cools delCoolie
Farts O’Zimsky
Gas McIntyre
Arnold Vosloo
Shtark Shtusso
Arn Bebop
Horace Bwonk
U.C. Harris
Dudrop Dwayne Dockberry
Stan Woomp
Wind-pass McInfoot
Guy.
Harold O’Boompkey
Quality Jackson
Harold
Larry Hooheh
Juan Dredger
Gregg Poppovich
Clyde
Ooogo Zuck
Vincent del Negro
Hiney Alfalfa-Smith
Takacall Inthirtyminootes
CC Sabathia
Perry Wallbeansak
Moistgas Johnson Jr.
Nards Kiwipants
Buttsniff Gerard
Fronk Fwink
“The doctor”
Bertie Plutshack
Edwinacio Burfomp-Jickson
Dequeeshon Furly-Jickson
Calmdown Wilson
Therangerswintonight Wahoo
Joseph-a Torre
Lenny Torre
Guissipe Girardi
Nathan Bummwith
Harold Bushaman
Pacers Organization
Chuck Barkley
Frank Miller
Devo “Squeak Squeak” Motkovich
Theyankees Fukkingstink
Bobbo Bakateeyah
Pupu Asimoiou
Joey Guags
Lilguy Chestnut
David Roberston
Inquiry Calhoun
Phonecall Clemente
Eddie Rectalthermometer Jr.
Buck Analpea
Felix the Belix
Willy Mooshupork
Thenewyorkyankeessuck Smith
Colleen Phui
Billy Schoose
Chuchie Chiggamonga
Arin Horong
Vinnie “The Shitstain” Coracci
Ralph Macchio
Youppi
Howard Bwinkley
Pablo Montoya
Erik Spoelstra
Hizzi-Hizzy Bo’Shonrashan
O’Zimsky
Gerald Poopo
Trev-Farrell Sackowind
Bob Bobbe
Coolie Odor Smith
Connor Quenkel
Poopy Francis
Inquiry Calhoun
Anuke Fron
Art Bumkley
Shmogel Fetterpit
Remy Godwin-Jickson
Clyde Chestnut
Voicemail Harold
Nope Bradley DDS
Tito Bosklovich
Rufus T. Bagwell
Claudius Sheckel
Paco Eggnacio
Wayne-Wayne Finkel
Wendell Funkberry
George Smith
Wayne Doo-Rag Finkel
Poopy Jackson
Elvoth Femmingshire
Irwin Flemp
D'Queckish Durly

The Durly Family Tree

(Click for Larger Image)

Stop the Durlys Festival Coming this Weekend

Stop the Durlys, in association with Xomcheese Ale presents the first annual Stop the Durlys Festival this weekend at Ploop Fairgrounds. For just $.3peanutshells, humans and a maximum of one toad/household can enjoy games, great food and musical acts.

For more information, visit stopthedurlys.com, or Wayne Finkel's house at 17 Loory-Inn Park Drive, Espinoza.


Stop the Durly Festival - June 13-15

Musical acts

* Pigeon Recalculation
* Barbara & Meepos II
* The Dwayne Durly Re-Establishment Society
* Pushing Timothy
* Eli Qwayne 
* O8
* The Bar Soaps
* Softball Umpires

Games

* Pin-the-tail-on-Otto Woo
* Soy sauce pool 100 meter fun swim
* Hide Andrea Vanderells' Shoes
* 3-on-3 cantaloupe ball tournament

Delicious foods

* Hamburgers


stopthedurlys.com

Conversations

Stockton Poop: say you were rich and bought the Redsox, what is the first thing you would do?

Dudrop Dwayne:  demolish Fenway Park, myself. I would do the demolishing.

SP:  hahaha, the whole thing yourself?

DD:  2. terminate David Ortiz's contract, then sell him to a team in Japan for 500,000 YEN

SP: Don't say 'yen'

DD:  3. change the name of the team to the Clepper County Cobwebs, for marketing purposes. 4. hire Stump Merrill as the new manager

SP: Stump Merrill?!

DD: "He's the man to take the Boston Redsox into the 22nd century". 

5. change the team slogan to that. 6. retroactive slayings of Manny Ramirez, Josh Beckett and who else...let's throw in Keith Foulke and Kevin Millar. 7. let hundreds of rabid mongoose loose on the field during a game. 8. demolish Stump Merrill Stadium. 9 disband franchise.

The Roles of Stan Van Gundy on the Detroit Pistons

Head Coach
General Manager
President
Vice President
Secretary
Juan Guagliardo
Point Guard
"The 4"
Peanut Vendor - East Wing
Urinal Cake
Ed Poppalo
Head of Gary Relations
Gas-Related Inquiries and Arrests
Chief Penguin Officer (CPO)
Head of Fat Men
Walrus
Trash Recepticle - Section 144
Center
Russian Prime Minister
Nascar Retail Sales - Southeast Region
Pat Zinn

- Staff Van Gundy Reporter Chip Pock

Conversations

Rainbow sends photo of Joba Chamberlain at around 10:50 p.m. EST, Monday, May 19th

Capolo (10:50 p.m.): Ahhhhh!!!!!!

Rainbow (10:51 p.m.): He looks like he's been hibernating in a cave "since winter"

Capolo (10:53 p.m.): Please, no!

Capolo (10:54 p.m.): And don't say 'since winter'

Rainbow (10:55 p.m.): If I had to see him, you had to as well. That's CONTRACTUAL.

[No Capolo response]

Rainbow (10:56 p.m.): I just saw a small Indonesian man fall out of his beard.

Benequez passes on

Armando Benequez
1938-2014

* Father of three (potato skins)
* Elbows: 2.3

Buried underneath a pile of hoagie rolls (May 6)

Round 1 of Bobcat Draft today

First round selections with analysis by Capolo Henderson (odd-numbered picks) and Darren Durly (even-numbered picks).

1. Ottawa - Otto Xomcheese, Texas A&M Walrus Mining Institute. Xomcheese is the clear favorite and is taken number one overall by the Fighting Foreskins. Xomcheese clocked in at 6.72 seconds in the warmup bobsled competition. Famously ate an entire puma at age 2 1/2.

2. New Jersey - Rico Yetz Jr., Blum Valley Community College (Oggsbo). Yetz Jr. is hoping to follow in the salamandersteps of his father Rico "Pinch Out" Yetz and become a Derner League All Star as a rookie. He'll join a roster already packed with veteran necktie eating contest competitors. Married a half-mile of pavement on the side of the Neck Glenn Memorial Highway (March, 2012).

3. Ottawa - Dan Devito, Devito Daily Inquirer. Devito falls all the way to number 3 due to Intent to Pelt with Walnuts (ITPW) fears amongst squads. His talent is undeniable, as he most recently competed in the Durly Games in Oslo, Norway and placed 31st in a 56 man field. Devito is commonly referred to as "The Cucumber Felon" and was elected 65th President of the United States of America in 1988 before later succumbing to an extreme bout of food poisoning and perishing at the young age of 27.

4. Edmonton (from San Anchulioh) - Carlo Cline, NACL Idelby Spartans. Cline shot an 82 and an 84 in the Southwest Regional guacamole scoop and toss in February, and won achievement awards in 2009, 2010 and 2013 for Most Hair Eaten off of Ronnie McClendon's Head during MHermh's annual luncheons.

5. Prarie Falls HS - Patricio Zin, Coolie Middle. Zin was an assassin for the Sanchules regime in Russia in the late 50's and early 80's. In his free time, he enjoys walks in tuna fish basins and mule hibernation research. Expected to compete for playing time at small forward.

Some media reaction after Prarie Falls' selection:

"Winner, qwimmer, David (Schwimmer)!"

- Munson Lyle, Dwaynedurley Report

"That's why they're always IN THE RUNNING."

- Jo he jo Pong, Eyelid Magazine

6. Idaho (from Lawrenceburg) - Tripp Tripples, Durly College of Microbiology. Tripples is the first Qwen-shore 9 native to be selected in a bobcat draft since Nick N'Pickles in '77. Spent 11 days in 1988 as Elijah Wimple.

And now this from our sponsors:

7. Ottawa (from Uruguay) - Patt Sinn, Ed Franklin High School for Yetis. Sinn pooped his pants in 1877.

8. Unified Team 21-Under - Booboo Biagi, Stanford. Biagi is a fourth-generation paint can pincher and should fit right in at the 6 on a young and exiting Unified Team. Was declared 41% canned beef from 2002-2007, and that number rose to 47% in September, 2010.

9. London - Pick Forfeited, Cleveland State. Pick was a world renowned pizza thrower until he blew out his left shoulder in the World Pizza Games in '96. Since then has refocused his efforts on Bobcatting and has become one of the worlds best at the spry age of 118.  Forfeited worked at the influential blog site hasanyoneseenmyshoes.blogspot.com for a short time in the late 90's before being eradicated due to "failure to flush."

10. Asia - Kim, no college. Won the Sanchules Belt in 2013 before nearly overdosing on wall sealant during the post-fight celebration. Presided over the first grass clump wedding in June, 1979 and once impersonated a turkey hoagie at a sandwich shop for a store-record 18 minutes 39 seconds.



Draft Glossary

NACL - North American Carlo League

Potatoman found deceased in front of popular bowling alley

According to several eyewitness reports, a potatoman has been found deceased outside Mo's Bowling & Spaghetti Palace. The popular entertainment venue, which hosted the Refrigerator Box Hugging Southeast Regionals from 1998-2007, just served its 400th customer named Dale Thursday.

"I want to make it clear that Mo's does not and has not ever discriminated against potatomen or potatowomen. This was an unfortunate and isolated incident. That potatoman was around age 13 days and had several bites taken out of him and he just couldn't pull through," said Blump City police chief Rico Yetz Jr.

The alley's owner, Kenneth Keean, who is running on a ticket with an ice cube in next month's Blump City mayoral race, said the potatoman's hat, Carlton, will be eaten by Linda Kibbits on June 17th.

Clete Idelby Remains Located

Cletus "Underwear-sucker" Idelby's remains have been located. He is confirmed DEAD!

Clete Idelby (DEAD)

Idelby has been hated for many years, so no one cares about his death. His remains were located in a dumpster outside Kirk Ashirmin's 14th street cardboard box.

Clete Idelby is DEAD!

 - Staff Idelby Death Reporter Clete Idelby

*Update*

Ashirmin's cardboard box has been moved to 16th street, outside Mo's Bowling and Spaghetti Palace.

Basketball coaching candidate: Pablo Yaz

Pablo Yaz

pabloyazok@yahoo.com

Basketball coach, goldfish psychiatrist

Coaching experience

1979-1986
Assistant coach, New York Knickerbockers. Helped Gerald Wilkins develop his now-patented "Peanutbutter Pullup Jumper"; married to center Bill Cartwright (November, 1985-May, 1986)

1989-1999
Head coach, California-Irvine B-team. Defeated Cal-Irvine varsity team in a scrimmage in October, 1992, thanks to my own lay up, "in traffic" with six seconds to play.

* Resigned as head coach in May, 1999 after photographs surfaced on the internet of my bare-chest covered in various deli meats.

2001
Head coach at Illinois-Wesleyan. I found a cracker that contained the face of our lord and savior and never coached a single game or practice.

2001-2012
With Jesus.

* Briefly imprisoned in 2004 for dog ear theft.

2013
Head coach, Lunce Valley Skydolphins of the Bog Piso Basketball League (B.P.B.L.). Team went 20-11 and lost in the semifinals of the Kerwin Daniels Conference Tournament.

Competitive eating 

1988: finished seventh at paper clip Northeast Regionals
1993: finished fourth at Sawdust Nationals
2000: finished 19th at notebook paper Mid-Atlantic Regionals

Merle Plong and Zandor Plub Jr. Announce Candidacy in '17

The Fundos

The Fundo family list has finally been released, according to a piece of paper that contained the list. We've obtained it in accordance with the Zandor Plub Jr. Act of 1998, which prohibits discrimination against women named Beth.

 

Fundo family spokesman Yobblo Paz refused comment pending the 77-year old's wax paper licking trial.

 

 

The Fundos

 

Lawrence "Larry" Fundo

Alfonso Fundo
Alfonso "Lil Alfie" Fundo Jr

Tommy "Two-Tones" Fundo
Bertund Fundo Sr.

Bert Fundo Jr.

Bertie Fundo III

Alfredo Garcia-Fundo

Yamika-ka Fundo

Ed Fundo Sr.

Eddie! Fundo Jr. (TM)

Rectal Thermometer Fundo

Horatio "Applesauce" Fundo

President Ignatio Fundo

Fester Fundo

and finally....

Stinky Feet Fundo Jr.


Some final comments on the list:

"It's influential, I'll tell you that much. Like the first landing on the mule."

- Vanessa Mindlich-Briles

"Milkpacks on a flint-rack, baby. Shoot, Canada never pushed a tie-cheese on my big toe. Clem....Ernie.....even Percy.... they be doing them grandpabagelfights."

- Gilbert Gloss

2014 Chili Gas Man of the Year

Frozengard Consumed by Mule

In somewhat expected news this morning, former Staff Elephant Chuck Frozengard was eaten late last night by a mule (Phil).

Frozengard (DEAD)

It is believed that Frozengard approached Phil the Mule after a "road-rage" incident occurred between the two. Bystanders have stated that Frozengard was driving "clearly over 75 miles per hour" in reverse down a local side-street when Phil the Mule verbally accosted Frozengard. After a brief shouting match, Frozengard slammed the brakes and exited his vehicle, believed to be a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

"He removed all of his clothing and ran violently towards Phil" stated local resident Bob Bobbalo.

Details get murky at this point, though it is known that Frozengard was consumed during a candlelight vigil outside the Bobbalo home. A bottle of merlot was served by Phil the Mule to all in the audience.

Services will not be held for Frozengard, as he has already been flushed down the toilet.

- Staff Mule Reporter Gerry Muleman

Goodbye Percy Shottenfoos

Murray Torkelson's family

Murray Torkelson (egg sandwich)

Luni-Bwy Torkelson (wife)

Shish Torkelson (daughter)

Little Murray Torkelson (son)

Zorch Torkelson (son)

Juan Yessup (ant)

Hee-Hu (parakeet)

Blubb Pershack (mailman)

Goodbye William Badinski

New staff list released

Editor-in-sawdust: Helmet Chung
Staff violinists: Percy Sumptin, Klau Klellog, Wanda Blanche-Berrygross
Shouting at falling rain drops: Franz Del Coolie

Empty soda can therapist: Janet Bergeron
Staff raisin: Arnie "11:30" Renquist
Vice President - 12th Street office: Barney Bluejay
Dawn Parsons impersonator: Pam Kyles
Ernie Recruiter: Vanessa Derner
Damon Durly Eulogy/Catering: Mike's Chicago Style Hotdogs
Mule relations: Julio Merced

Sandpaper sandwiches: Rifickie Nattalo
Staff illustrators: Candice Migliaccio, Lee Eversawl, Ho-Po Song, pencil, Otto Hurley, Jenn J'Jansen
Rapper: Cornondacob
Murray Rudolph look-alike contest judges: Hannah Nannah, Wendy Woo-Thompkins, Jason Oklahoma, Shontreesha Galloway
Staff Perry: Perry Carter


Source: Henderson Family Archives

Kennafeck/Piso Ticket Announced; Riots Ensue

Harvey Kennafeck has announced his intentions to run in "The Election" '18, alongside longtime common law partner Bog Piso.

Kennafeck Campaign Poster

Piso

Upon the announcement of their intention to run, riots broke out in Cleveland. Lil' Hee-ho Martin was sacrificed. That is all that is known at this time, as police have chosen to ignore the incident.

While it is unknown who Stan Callaway is/was, it is believed accurate that Senator Kennafeck was in fact once married to Barry Sea (deceased, cheetah).

Kennafeck and Piso have made early campaign promises to "abolish hippo slavery" and "make changes." In addition, they have sworn to "honor the oath we have taken, and remain in hiding until the day the Walrus Invasions have subsided."

Please donate no less than $1000 American to the campaign at www.kennafeckpiso18.com. Donations can also be made by calling campain headquarters at 1-888-RAINBOW.

- Staff Campaign Manager Oscar Rainbow-Horowitz Jr.

Hu: "I'm Back"

New t-shirts available

Sizes: S, M, Bernie Biggles, L, Murray Gladstone, X-Murray Gladstone

$35 each
email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to order

Sylvan Snugg Announces Candidacy

Sylvania Truffles Snugg has announced his intent to run in the 2014 Hey Jerk Presidential election.

Snugg

Snugg, who is a nose on top of a neck, had little to say about his upcoming campaign.

"I intend to change things."





Sylvan Snugg's crowning achievement was his silver medal in the luge competition in the 1922 Olympic Games in Freehold, New Jersey. He has worn the medal to this day, only removing it once late in 1955 for "mule hunting purposes." He refuses to elaborate further.

Snugg has said that he will announce his running mate in coming days. Please be sure to monitor us here at The Jerk for that breaking news announcement.

"Long Live Nope Bradley!" - Sylvan Snugg Campaign Slogan '14

- Campaign Beat Writer Mrooble Fonchonski

New Hey Jerk products available for limited time

Oh hired

Professor Johnathan "Murray" Oh has been hired for the position of part-time pecan, effective once the 43-year old former Japanese airplane glue model completes a dolphin physical.

Oh, a member of the famous Flying Oh family, who as elephantpeople migrated to the United States on bagels in 1933 and in 1938 saved Cincinnati from the Hmm family, is expected to take over the coveted pecan position from Stanley Plauss. Plauss passed away late Tuesday after he was rumored to have been eaten by a family of magpies.

Other hirings from February 11-12:

* Cassandra & Mort Higgums hired as staff salt and pepper shakers
* Sossy Sasso hired as wheat bread salesman Joe Jiggles
* Zimdorr-5 hired as taxi cab hubcap, driver's side back wheel division


The Society to Shave Mel Thompkins (SSMT) contributed to this report

Dom BaDoo - a Timeline of Remembrance

Dom BaDoo was one of the most celebrated New York "Yankees" left fielders of all time. We here at The Jerk would like to honor him with a timeline of his lifes memorable achievements.

BaDoo

July, 1922 - Drafted in 122nd round by Cleveland
July, 1922 - Traded to Cincinnati for Oak Benkman
July, 1922 - Traded to Ottawa for Harry Chiselfoot
July, 1922 - Run over by horse
August, 1922 - Released by Ottawa
August, 1922 - Signed by New York Yankees
December, 1922 - Celebrated Christmas
April, 1922 - Opened up as starting Left Fielder for the New York Yankees
June, 1922 - Recorded his 1000th Major League Hit (Double)
July, 1924 - Killed Merl Tippo with bloop single to left
October, 1928 - Named World Series MVP after a 4-16 showing in Series
June, 1930 - Eaten by wild walrus released onto field by fans
September, 1934 - Recorded 1100th career hit
April, 1940 - Killed by routine fly ball in Kansas City
September, 1940 - Recorded first Grand Slam of career in Milwaukee
June, 1940 - Run over by stampede of elephants at Yankee Stadium
July, 1940 - Pitched 8th inning against St. Louis, allowed 3 runs
June, 1941 - Officially retired from MLB
July, 1941 - Caught fly ball in left against Cleveland
August, 1959 - Remains honored in left field by visiting Reds
August, 1959 - Takes bow in honor of his tribute
September, 1960 - Hired as Manager of New York Yankees
August, 1971 - Relieved of duties by New York Yankees
May, 1975 - Participates in and completes Boston Marathon
May, 1977 - Catches fly ball in left to complete 3 game sweep of Boston, clinching the pennant
August, 1988 - Named President

Further updates to come, as the "future has not yet been written" - Yancey Fogpatch

"It's time for the Larry Larry era"

The above quote was taken from Channing Chu's state of the Otis speech this morning, officially signaling the start of the Larry Larry "era of understanding & corn on the cob discussions."

Larry Larry (full name: Larontae Larry Larry) grew up on a gravel boat off the coast of southern Africa and moved to the United States in 1987 to be closer to his corduroys, which had migrated to the country a few months earlier.

In 1993, he officially changed his name to Larry Larry in an effort to launch a solo music career. Through an unfortunate set of cultural misunderstandings, Larry Larry began snacking on a trumpet and instead of he and his band The Where & The How starting a 33-city tour at Sal Delmonico Amphitheater, Larry Larry was admitted to the hospital with third-degree spit valve. The band cancelled the tour a few minutes later when the body of bassist Vivian Pock split in half during a routine wheat bread pinching.

"The band has split up," Larry Larry said to a round of laughter from assembled reporters.

Finally released from the hospital in 2004, Larry Larry discovered he couldn't see and that he now had just a green bean for a lower body.

Larry Larry's office on the 19th floor will be filled to the ceiling with applesauce, as his lifetime contract states.

Gary Fempot Monday's

Gary Fempot

"Hello." - Gary Fempot, August 15th 2007

Hey Jerk Flamingos Bios: P.C. Calhoun - PF - #2

In an ongoing effort to familiarize our fans with their favorite Flamingo players, we introduce to you P.C. Calhoun, starting Power Forward.

Calhoun

Calhoun Bio

Name: Pepper Chicken Alouicious Calhoun VI
DOB: 1-13-44
Height: 5'3"
Weight: N/A
Partner: Happy Family Johnson (Married 1986, children Ron, 7, and Bert, 4)
Comments: Drafted 19th overall out of Pepperdine. Averaged 24 and 10 as a rookie. Since has averaged 0.8 PPG and 0.0 RPG. Once ate opposing center (Len Faldwell) whole and continued on to finish game.



P.C. Calhoun has given his best efforts to our organization, and for that we thank him and have scheduled his assassination tomorrow evening at HQ at 7 pm. Tickets are available to the public for $130 and can be purchased through HeyJerkAssassinations.Ticketing.Com.

- Assassination Man Ron Ronson

Raj Pookamoffin Found

Raj Pookamoffin, affectionately known as Reid Turner, has been located in a sewer outside Hey Jerk Headquarters, where he apparently had been shacked up since the nuclear fallout of the late 1760's.

Raj

Upon his discovery, Pookamoffin relieved himself on Investigator Roj Peekamiffin's pleated work pants and sang the University of Southern Montana fight song. He resisted arrest, but was ultimately subdued by 4 cheetahs and an antelope named Ted (no relation.)

On his way to he SWAT van, Pookamuffin, believed to be the once elusive "Chocolate Eclair Killer," screamed obscenities and claimed to be having visions of retired Cletus Fimply #8 Portland Trailblazers jerseys.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Raj Pookamoffin, please contact local police immediately.

RIP Raj Pookamoffin.

- Staff Monkey Dom Monkeymaster

Rare drawing of Rasheed found

A rare drawing of Arnold Rasheed has been obtained by unknown sources. The world's seventh umbrellaperson has been missing since March, 2000 when, according to archives, was used briefly during a spring storm and then left at a diner.

The original group of umbrella people:

1. Coose Lon-cherry (born 1965)
2. Bershap Venstintine (1966)
3. Pipp J. Eeyhore (1969)
4. Duane Hurley (1973)
5. Ruth Mooz (1978)
6. Connie Chocksaw (1979)
7. Rasheed (1980)

[Source: Umbrella People, Issue 17]

Sockety added to roster

Legendary basketball player and lime marriage counselor Calvin'Qwer Sockety has been added to the Hey Jerk basketball roster for the upcoming spring season.

Sockety, who has been using a borrowed mouth on loan from the Onderdonk Group since the Arm Pit Pinch 70s, is expected to take over the backup shooting guard position vacated by the deceased Marvin Durlyshea (shampoo bottle overdose).

Hey Jerk head coach M'Eee-Chelle Potatosmell said Sockety's lack of a left arm and the fact that his right arm is a tree branch shouldn't affect the amount of playing time the Wuzz-14 native will get in the team's 33-man rotation.

"It shouldn't affect how much playing time (Sockety) gets in our team's 33-man rotation," said Potatosmell while teaching a yield sign how to dance.

Sockety's front tooth, Harrison, will play power forward.

Rare sports card for sale

Cecilio Guante 1987 Topps


$140
email william.petunia@gmail.com for purchase