New names for Capolo Henderson

Com-pelio

"Cah" "Pohlo"

Corvit Compelio

Capolo Q

Kee-Kee Henderdonk

C-Henderson-C

Polo C. Ahenderson

Kirby Capowlo

Capoolio Henderson

C.C. Hender-Polo

Ca? Po....lo?

[Source: Capolo Weekly - September 5-11]

Capolo names: the month that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 5/12/14 at 3:00 p.m. EST
Ended:  6/12/14 at 3:24 p.m. EST

Hal Hofferbach
Wilbur Donnafee
Detlef Schrempf
Yonayme Shtinkks
N’Name Gooch
Medium Sized Gill
Edwin B’Donk
Pupu Votto
Akahiro Potaka
C Sabathia
Charlston Wolfey
Larry Lahoo
Phil Glubley
Nini Nockafocka
Nono N’Yes
Juan Caba
Warren Hoovo
Gary Gahoo
Ol’ Man Farley
Rafael Poobah
Jacques Plutarski
Billy Bobbowitz
Horatio Horootio
Alfredo Aceves
Jacoby Ellsbury
Big Ern Brozway
Norman Bly
Harold Blutarsky
Heinrich Spectorwuggles
Donald Ponycack
Dustin Takarsky
Robbie Torcatchio
Billy McDung
Ron Reagan
Juju Johnstone
Scott Sizemore
Alfonso Soriano
William Badinsky
Warren Spahn
Juju Jacob Johnstone
Make-Make Callaway
Lars Lahoo
Calvin Esposito
Hectie Flubb
Pablo PaChoochio
Specialtimes McGinty
Ed Dequantaviousdequantaviasmith
Lil’ Clint Hurdle Jr.
Joe Girardi
Harold Horrssen
Billy Jablonski
Cools delCoolie
Farts O’Zimsky
Gas McIntyre
Arnold Vosloo
Shtark Shtusso
Arn Bebop
Horace Bwonk
U.C. Harris
Dudrop Dwayne Dockberry
Stan Woomp
Wind-pass McInfoot
Guy.
Harold O’Boompkey
Quality Jackson
Harold
Larry Hooheh
Juan Dredger
Gregg Poppovich
Clyde
Ooogo Zuck
Vincent del Negro
Hiney Alfalfa-Smith
Takacall Inthirtyminootes
CC Sabathia
Perry Wallbeansak
Moistgas Johnson Jr.
Nards Kiwipants
Buttsniff Gerard
Fronk Fwink
“The doctor”
Bertie Plutshack
Edwinacio Burfomp-Jickson
Dequeeshon Furly-Jickson
Calmdown Wilson
Therangerswintonight Wahoo
Joseph-a Torre
Lenny Torre
Guissipe Girardi
Nathan Bummwith
Harold Bushaman
Pacers Organization
Chuck Barkley
Frank Miller
Devo “Squeak Squeak” Motkovich
Theyankees Fukkingstink
Bobbo Bakateeyah
Pupu Asimoiou
Joey Guags
Lilguy Chestnut
David Roberston
Inquiry Calhoun
Phonecall Clemente
Eddie Rectalthermometer Jr.
Buck Analpea
Felix the Belix
Willy Mooshupork
Thenewyorkyankeessuck Smith
Colleen Phui
Billy Schoose
Chuchie Chiggamonga
Arin Horong
Vinnie “The Shitstain” Coracci
Ralph Macchio
Youppi
Howard Bwinkley
Pablo Montoya
Erik Spoelstra
Hizzi-Hizzy Bo’Shonrashan
O’Zimsky
Gerald Poopo
Trev-Farrell Sackowind
Bob Bobbe
Coolie Odor Smith
Connor Quenkel
Poopy Francis
Inquiry Calhoun
Anuke Fron
Art Bumkley
Shmogel Fetterpit
Remy Godwin-Jickson
Clyde Chestnut
Voicemail Harold
Nope Bradley DDS
Tito Bosklovich
Rufus T. Bagwell
Claudius Sheckel
Paco Eggnacio
Wayne-Wayne Finkel
Wendell Funkberry
George Smith
Wayne Doo-Rag Finkel
Poopy Jackson
Elvoth Femmingshire
Irwin Flemp
D'Queckish Durly

Buckley wins mayor's race

It was an historic Friday morning as Trevontae-Qwom "Buck" Buckley was declared the winner of the Hey Jerk mayor's race.

Buckley, who was born on the planet Werz-14 and with two noses and one ankle-foot, making him a "sub-Durly" according to the Queh Dictionary, defeated the incumbent, Sh'Hensen Pepano by more than 18,000 votes.

Hey Jerk 2013 Mayor Race

Winner - Buckley, Trevontae-Qwom  18,557 votes
Runner-up - Sh'Hensen Pepano     493
3rd - Little Timmy Tapinsky  340
4th - Zoff  76
5th - Ernie Crugg Jr.  58
6th - Nadine Crugg   57

Write-in votes

The ghost of Herman Puckett - 9
Beckman Goolie  - 7
C. Vanderells Bwon -  4
Mordecai Three-Finger Brown  - 3
Capolo Henderson  - 1
Wayne Tolleson's 1988 Topps baseball card - 1

Capolo names: the week that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 3/25 at 3:43 p.m. EST
Ended:  4/1 at 3:43 p.m. EST


Marvin Levy

Buck Hooheh
Special Agent Warren Foo
Fart Foogan
Private John Coolie
Thomas Rondo
William Boatshoes, MD
Trevor Whott
Book Yukkah
Larry Lohooga
Dr. Horace Bagley
Frederick Bungalow
Juan Bungalow
Muckamule Fonshoggna
Dr. Overbay
Oggo Hornsby
Clive Schmukel
Billy Schmukel
Jorr Aj
Hogstram Applegas
Clive Bunkman
Economy Calhounowitz
Buttmud Harris
Olaf Hornsby
Shmugoewe Harris-Blyland
Billy Hornsby
Ronaldo Rondo-Beisbol
Jeff Bagwell
Trovo Fuong
David Johnson
Verne L
Larry Louisville
Julius Irving
Otie Quagmeier
Starfish Crugg
Fonk Fooheh

Wong hired

Jo-he-Jo Wong has been hired as staff impersonator, according to a phone book turned to the "I's" with knowledge of the situation.

Wong, the step-brother of world-famous cashew whisperer Jo-he-Jo Pong, already has a preliminary impersonation schedule lined up:

April 2 - Capolo "Toes" Henderson
April 17 - 38th floor water fountain 3
May 6 - Johan Peedle
May 22 - the ghost of Sam Rosen
May 28 - cup of orange juice
June 11 - Glenn Minkus
June 29 - [ant farmer to be named later]
July 4 - America

Wong - photo taken December, 1982


* UPDATE - 10:51 a.m. *

Wong passed while impersonating a tomato.

Henderson invited to Spring Camp

Capolo Henderson has officially put the town of Mockmoodle on the map.

Henderson, a native of the peanut shell farming town, was recently invited to 2013 spring camp for the new expansion leaf-eating contest team, the Pershack County Cinnamon Buffalo. The Hey Jerk editor, 46, will compete for a spot on the team with fellow spring invitees Lyle Larue, Jo-he-Jo Pong, Unu Anu, Molly Binkwell, Romelio Yockcheeze and Shevvie Salazar, "The Rigatoni From Albahony".

Henderson released a cryptic statement through his lawyer, turnip:

"I'll make the team, and when I make the team I'm eliminating some people. First to be eliminated is Charles Frozengard. Second to go will be Ernest Ploop, the man who stole my elbow in '93 and used it to help Iceland win a bronze medal. Finally, I will be taking the roofs off houses at the following locations: 314 Vernon Valley Road, 2629 Ooork Avenue, the Sal Delmonico apartment complex, 940 Balboni Crossing and 6650 Warren Lump Lane."


- Correspondent Lobbo Blongamyre

Best of the last year

The best of the last 365 days at the Jerk, as voted on by an esteemed panel of judges:

* President Haboote Klonger

* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly

* That guy over there


12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins 
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released

Haboote Vongavich report released

"Haboote Vongavich is a well-liked man."

- Anonymous

"Haboote will bring us into the new millennium the same way his father did: wearing a pastrami helmet and carrying Merle Feinstein's left leg."

- Anonymous

"Vongavich? Kid can grab a defensive rebound, I'll tell you that much. Without him, we don't beat P'Q'W'Shon Prep and take home the Carpet Sample Book in '87."

- "Coach" Hubert Barfield

"Vongavich is a hated individual."

- Capolo Henderson

"Over a 17-day span in the early-1990s, Haboote Vongavich was eaten by a small group of squirrels."

- Squirrel historian Natalie Kellog

"I haven't had any luck reaching him, so maybe your site can help me. This is a direct message to Haboote Vongavich: I need my left leg back."

- Merle Feinstein

"I told you a number of times to get off of my roof. I do not want to be interviewed."

- Rhonda Bly

Wheatley Passes On

Hey Jerk officials have learned former staff correspondent and eyebrow model Chon Wheatley has passed away. According to an eye-witness account from editor Capolo Henderson's racquetball teammate, Darren Durly Jr., Wheatley was in his elephant costume, wandering around on the highway when he burst into flames, melted and ran into a nearby drain.

Wheatley's checkered past, which includes a May, 2009 arrest for impersonating a bag of peanuts, didn't factor into the Jerk's decision to hire him as a staff correspondent Saturday.

In his short time on staff he penned several articles, most-notably the Haboote Shershon obituary that single-handedly won Belgium the silver medal in the 1,600-meter dash.

Wheatley (photo taken February 17)

A funeral for Wheatley was planned for Sunday at 4:00 p.m., but quickly cancelled due to the availability of pigeon ushers.

Henderson's original look identified

Over the past 30+ years Hey Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has had several facelifts, common knowledge for the millions of people that frequent the site on a Larry basis. But the Jerk has obtained a photo of Henderson's original face before he had his first operation in 1979.

Any questions or concerns, please contact Edward Shermer at eddieshermer23@gmail.com

Peakaboo Finally On Board

A long, nightmarish era in the Jerk's history has finally come to an end as Otis Peakaboo has been hired as staff Quan.

Peakaboo, who rushed for over 1,000 yards for the Plumptin County Vipers semi-pro football team in 1977 before the following year when the team was disbanded and sold for motor oil and Peakaboo was deported back to Immish, will begin work as soon as Vince Maxwell is dislodged from Peakaboo's navel.

In a related Barry, staff editor Capolo Henderson, a longtime-advocate of Peakaboos and Peakaboo-flavored dish soap, will serve a dual role as staff tissue until all noses have arrived for the 2012 Noseies.

Police report

Capolo Henderson

October 4, 2012: Mr. Henderson was arrested at the scene of a four-alarm Gary explosion under suspicions that the Hey Jerk editor had been impersonating a fire hose.

"Mr. Henderson, who asked us to call him 'Professor Don Wiggins', was seen running around with exaggerated motions and spitting on some of the people who had to evacuate the Gary Building," said Gweg County police chief Vern Pepano. "We took Mr. Henderson into custody and put him in the back of a squad car where he proceeded to somehow remove his cape and goggles and threw up what looked to be a matchbox car onto his chest."

Henderson's previous arrests:

May 17, 2006 - Henderson is arrested for failing to pay pigeon support.

December 2, 1999 -Police found over 1,000 counterfeit autographed ears in Henderson's home. He's arrested and sentenced to mashed potato pool for two years. Upon his release, Henderson marries an ice sculpture of Gwen Bertelli.

May 24, 1994 - Henderson is taken into police custody for failing to remove his possum mask in a government building.

January 6, 1983 - Felony Horace-1.


* Bail is set at 11 egg shells *

Excerpt from new book released

Hey Jerk has obtained an excerpt from Capolo Henderson's new autobiography, The Following Is A List Of People I Know:


7. Moop Beverly

Cast list announced

The cast list for the upcoming play Bernie Get Your Lawnmower has been announced:


Yo Lem as Bernie
Claire Cartwright as Choir Teacher Ruth/Bowling Ruth
Charles Frozengard Jr. as "Tough Tommy"
Oh Ok as door-to-door envelope salesman Marty Fisher
Boo Boo Booboo as grass clippings historian Janet Jolsen
Linus Mejito as Mort Mejito/Evil Mort Mejito
Horatio Ploop as the advice-giving kudzu
Grongo Zax as Yupez
J.P. Poppadopolis as edible desk chair
Patricia Von Shwei as deceased hippo 3
Burt Young as himself
Huing-Jei Muh as the singing lawnmower of truth & justice



Play opens September 1 at the Capolo Henderson Theater & Caterpillar Museum

Hamburgerson Jr. Hired

A new era at the Jerk has begun as the multi-potato organization announced the Friday morning hiring of Alfred Hamburgerson Jr. as staff Deondre McGrue.

Hamburgerson Jr., the son of that guy sitting over there, was captain of the San Antonio Vipers semi-pro basketball team during the Minestrone Boom of the 1980s and in 1986 faded away on Stefan Christenson to put the Vipers up 7-4 in the early stages of a key March game.

"It turned the season around, that fadeaway," said a stick of butter named Harold Kline.

Hamburgerson's duties on staff will be to recruit other Deondres, massage Capolo Henderson's elbows, and to teach the rest of the staff the Alfred Hamburgerson Song:

[lyrics not found]


- Correspondent Linda Jiggaboo

Day of reflection: a guide

Did you have a 44.6 inside a bar restroom and you've cleared the entire next day for reflection? Here's a handy guide to get you through the festivities:

1. Look in the mirror and ask "which direction is my life headed?"
2. Phone call to your mother to tell her about the past 24 hours and that your life is spiraling out of control.
3. Read the best-selling book Spiraling Out Of Control by Terry Torkelson.
4. Begin your search for Jesus.
5. Find Jesus.
6. Put a moist towel on your forehead. Name the towel "Jesus".
7. Spend two minutes inside the mouth of a hippopotamus.
8. Move to Cincinnati, Ohio.
9. Marry a toaster oven.
10. Eat some gravel.
11. Remove all carpet from your home.
12. Shave off all of your hair.
13. Go to the roof of the nearest pet store and rub parmesan cheese on your head.
14. Find a man named Bernie and declare your love for him and/or his pet goldfish.
15. Bowl with a head of lettuce.
16. Reevaluate your life choices.
17. Spray paint HOT DOGS RULE on a highway overpass.
18. Take a nap inside a washing machine.
19. Change your name to Doug McGintley.
20. Fall asleep underneath your couch.


Source: The Capolo Group

Foof era ends

Sad/delightful/chili-flavored news out of Jerk headquarters this afternoon as longtime staff member Aarwin "Every Other Thursday" Foof has lost his life. Early reports indicate Foof, who averaged 7.3 rebounds per game for the 2008 NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves, tried to live in a refrigerator to "win a bet with a cockroach", but perished in the vegetable crisper at approximately 12:45 p.m. ERST.

"It's what the vegetable crisper would've wanted," said the freezer in a statement released by the refrigerator's lawyer, door handle.

Foof's purple sedan body will be auctioned off at the Jerk's 4th annual Body Part Auction & Spaghetti Cook-Off, August 7 at the Capolo Auditorium.

Nose hired

The Jerk has announced the hiring of a new nose, Mort.

Mort is attached to Craig Luxford's face, but Luxford was not given a staff position after he ended his Monday morning interview by bathing in an egg salad wading pool and videotaping the proceedings.

The video, titled "Eggs For Craigs", was later eaten by staff editor Capolo Henderson.

Meanwhile, Mort comes to the Jerk with plenty of experience, including sneezing for Patricia Clarkson in 1997, and winning "Largest" and "Closest to the Sky" at the 2003 Nostrils.

2nd round of football draft today

The second round of the BPMFL Draft is coming to you live from Henry Bly's apartment in downtown Klugg.

Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).

9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."

10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.

Update - Henry has been killed. 

11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.

12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
 

 

No. 12 pick update: Bird traded to British Columbia for Ernie DelBeggio and a box of old lettuce.

13. Orderdale - Hahingesh Hooheh, no college. Hooheh arrived from the country of Vibbshane Monday having played organized football for just two years. In his final year of youth football in Vibbshane, Hooheh wrestled a mule and won with a late-third period take down. Once ate a desk chair to win a bet.

14. China - Theodore Pinecone, deceased. The Chinese, hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle," go with controversial pick Ted Pinecone at 14. Pinecone passed in the Gorilla Wars of the 1970's, but is still believed to be a potential 3-down pash rusher at "the next level." Pinecone's remains are being excavated and will be shipped immediately to Hong Kong.

15. The Pickles - Paddy Zim, Team 4. The Pickles, who went 4-43 in five seasons of adult baseball, have entered the BPMFL and their first pick is a running back. The team, which will play without shoulder pads or cleats for the first eight games of the 2012 season, per-league rules for expansion teams, also have running back K'E'Onshay McGready on the roster, but Zim has promised "a sea of guacamole if I'm not named the starting running back. I've got a guacamole hose."

16. Raul Delvecchio - John Candy, The Great Outdoors. Candy comes with some question marks, as he was recently spotted swallowing a baboon whole (The Portland Times, August 2012). Despite the cry of fans to draft human-turned-mule Lance Penders here, Candy was believe to be the safe choice and "the pillar of our organization for the next 4 months." Candy is expected to report to camp overweight.

End of second round.

Live football draft today

The BPMFL (Bog Piso Memorial Football League) will begin its inaugural season in 2012. The league held its first-ever draft this afternoon. Here's a pick-by-pick analysis from staff editors Ernie Ploop (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).

First round

1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.

2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.

3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.

4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS.  Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.

5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.

6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.

7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.

8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.

End of first round