Winnepo vs. Jathaway IV Set

Two of the greatest coleslaw fighters of the modern era, Hog Winnepo and Jum Jathaway, have officially schedule their long-awaited fourth heavyweight fight.

The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Lump Fairgrounds. The winner's share is reportedly a case of Harvey Bly's toenails, while the loser will be forced to eat gravel.

Artist's balloon head renderings of Jathaway


And Winnepo


Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:

March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 114th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-the-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.

December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test finds performance-enhancing mailbox flags in Winnepo's system.

NOTES
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus PoPo Paul.

August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnebo wins by default and nearly overdoes on coleslaw during victory celebration.

Ferris Bueller Sequel Titles

It has recently been announced that Ferris Bueller will finally get a sequel. Possible titles have been floated around, let us know what you think.

Ferris Bueller Two: Ferris Makes a Two
Ferris Bueller: The Rise of the Hippos
Ferris Bueller Takes Hong Kong
Rooney!: The Life, the Children, the Odor
Camerons Back, and he Smells This Time
Ferris Bueller and the Portland Trailblazers
Ferris Bueller Passed: The Story of his Passing
I Ain't Goin' to no School Today
Gas: The Ferris Bueller Wind Saga
Arnie Fuffle Stole My Banana
Rooney's Revenge: Ferris Bueller Stew
The Murderer Ferris Bueller: Bob Feathers is Dead
Cheesesteak Town, U.S.A.

Coming to a theater near you in August, 2013!

Henderson finds pile of mud

8:27 p.m., WST - Breaking news from Hey Jerk headquarters as staff editor and forehead piercing model Capolo Henderson found a small pile of mud late Wednesday.

"It's a good, solid pile of mud and the bidding starts at $1,000," said Henderson through his interpreter, Terrence Bradshaw. "It may seem like a steep price, but this mud marched on Paddock Street in the 90s, this mud cured Murray Bly and speaks several languages. And, I need to feed my family of mud people. Food doesn't grow on trees, you know."

Henderson then boarded his spaceship to the attic.

BREAKING: Xomcheese Found Deceased

In a shocking revelation, longtime editor and staff clown Edward Xomcheese, or "Eddie the Great," was found in a state of being dead this morning. He was located by Warren Hemfo, a passer by with knowledge of death and deathly states.

"He was dead." - Hemfo

Xomcheese was found nude under an apple tree behind HQ, half eaten and dead looking. An investigation took place, but no one cared so his body was left to rot.

"No one cares." - Investigator Cletus McFee

Xomcheese (DEAD)


The coroner has released the cause of death as "multiple war injuries sustained at the hand of a rabid water buffalo. Looks like Dr. Xomcheese went down fighting, but the buffalo was just too much."

Well, lets move on. To take his place will be former Staff Handyman, now Staff Editor, Cleveland Booby. Please join us in congratulating Mr. Booby next time you see the man in the restroom.

Booby (Staff Editor)


Booby, upon hearing of his promotion, shot to death passer by Yi-Yi Pu Fwen. He will no longer be available for fecal pummeling events.

- Staff Editor Cleveland Booby

Vermont 71, Lamar 59

In a stunning gary, the Vermont Catamounts took out the Lamar Garys in the first ever "Tunafish Slam" play in game of the NCAA tournament.

After the game, Lamar coach Pat Knight was declared missing.

Pat Knight (Whereabouts Unknown)


Director of Basketball Operations Kermit Holmes released a statement to the public:

"While we all miss coach Knight immensely, this case is most likely better left unsolved. After the game, I personally witnessed Mr. Knight relieving himself on a small child in the 4th row behind the team bench, then throwing his pants violently at a portly woman and screaming ' Long Live Warren Shleglo!' Our last known location of Mr. Knight was running into traffic on Main Street in his underwear. Unfortunately, his dinky was hanging out. We wish Mr. Knight the best in his search for his 'inner self.'"

Kermit Holmes



- Staff Lamar Man Dinkus Wright

Capolo Missing

Hey Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has been reported missing, according to Stan Jensen and his goldfish, Marty.

Henderson, who ate a banana early Thursday, then jogged 11 feet to the dumpster to throw out a banana peel, was 37-years old at the time of his disappearance.

Experts believe he may have been wearing slippers and calling himself Darryl at the time of the disappearance, though other taller experts believe the previous experts mentioned in this story may have been connected with an underground Gary coalition, which would stricken from the record any future testimony and eggplant.

The Jerk investigative staff, led by Horace D'Ushayne, will be live at the mustard house throughout the day with live reports.

Higgins Passes On To Roryland

Mildew Higgins, former wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, has passed away, according to a recliner with potato chip crumbs near the situation. Higgins arrived from planet Capolo in the spring of 1958 and immediately made changes, though no one on the Jerk staff has been able to identify what those changes were.

"It's possible we lost the changes in the great Change Disaster of 1983," said staff editor Ed Xomcheese, who is referring to the July day when dozens of nickels were lost at sea.

Higgins' family declined to have a funeral for the former neck hair model, instead choosing to grind up the deceased's body and use him as a garnish on a future casserole.

"It's what Mildew would've wanted," said Harold Leach.

Bison Season, Existence Over

The Hey Jerk Bison, who shocked many by losing only a single game this season, were ready to take the world by storm and win the Championship of the Earth. Playoffs were ready to begin, and most experts had the Bison running the table. They were peaking at the right time, and had the "tools to succeed" (P. Zyn, 1972 - 2012). Then, tragedy struck.

Hey Jerk Bison (Deceased)



The Bison, a franchise in existence for over 120 years, has been lost.

While busing the team to their first playoff game in Cleveland, a problem arose. At around 3:00 AM GST yesterday evening, the bus spontaneously exploded, leaving nothing but charred bones and a bologna sandwich behind.

Not a single soul was saved. Team ownership were engaged in meetings in Salt Lake City, Utah when the news hit. Before they had a chance to remorse, ownership Headquarters was run over by a rabid herd of elephants, leaving all in the facility deceased.

Due to the rare combination of natural disasters, the Bison team has been destroyed. The once proud franchise, famous for the 1947 post-apocalyptic mule race from New York to Los Angeles, is no more. Next season will be a sad one for HJ fans, as the most they can hope for is an expansion team to be granted to the once proud city.

We are sorry for your loss.

- Staff Bison Man Kirk Ashirman

New organization formed

Led by former Quehist Plotz Murphy, the P.A.T. (People Against Try Outs), has been formed in the memory of Petey Zinn, an outfielder on the infamous Team 4 softball team of the late-1970s.

"We are concerned with having our members bypass trying out for athletic teams and be immediately put on rosters," said Murphy in his Captain Pastrami underpants. "No longer will people be put through the rigors of try outs. Wind sprints, tying up the laces on sneakers, trips to the water fountain, having to arrive at the try out on time, fielding ground balls while wearing pants, standing. These acts are a thing of the past."

P.A.T. already boasts a client list of 750, including Kern Sherman and Malik Ruso, who play for the NBA's Milwaukee Bucks, Big Forehead Paul, a punter on the Indianapolis Colts, and Larry Iris, a one-legged 15-year old who is a goalkeeper for the Edward Murton High School junior varsity soccer team.

"Our goal is to have millions of people, all over the world, playing for athletic teams they didn't have to try out for," Murphy said. "Professional, collegiate and high school levels. Try outs, or 'proving you're good enough', that's a thing of the past. It's about time we took something back from the Rafael Santanas of the world."

Sunday cancellations

Attic volleyball

Team 4 at Gary & Son Plumbing - game moved to 5:00 p.m.
The Crawl Space at 8th Street Horaces - postponed (acorn)
Sand Eaters/Volleyball Players Inc. - Northwest Conference tournament rescheduled for June 13-16

Egg fights

Carl vs. Hillary - original start time of 4:00 p.m., moved to 4:30 p.m.
Wide Head Fred vs. Zertron - rescheduled for October 17


OTHER

Wendell Appreciation Day: postponed indefinitely

BREAKING: Rainbow Detained in Detroit

Oscar Rainbow, believed dead, has been located and detained in Detroit. Not many details are known at this time, but Detroit PD is charging Dr. Rainbow with "crude and gruesome acts towards a porcine being."

Rainbow (Jailed)


Rainbow, allowed a single phone call before being placed in 24 hour solitary confinement, released the following statement through his lawyer, Bernard Winkus:

"Peace to all hippos, the pig needed to pay."

All that remained of the pig were his entrails, leading officers to believe Rainbow consumed the animal after relieving it of its existence.

Stay tuned.

- Staff Pig Murder Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

Fadding On Board

An historic event has taken place as Hey Jerk, in honor of the life of Horace Vonavich, has hired the first spray paint can man, Myron Fadding.

Fadding, who was born in Murfreesboro, Tennessee under the name Pip Leach, brings thousands of years of experience to the site and will have many jobs, including:

* How to properly digest an acorn
* The whereabouts of Hillary Bly's left ear
* Engine coolant 101

Fadding released a statement through his hippo, Claude:

" ".

Biggles Elected Mayor

FoFo Biggles, of the Montana Biggles clan, has been elected to come on board as Hey Jerk Mayor. He will rule from the crest of Elephant Rainbow Peak and promises to rule with a "plastic spork."

Biggles



Biggles has history, first as the dictator of the United Association of Rabid Horses (UARH), and later in life as Assistant Salsa Construction Officer at Stinky Joe's in rural San Juan, Puerto Rico.

While The Glenn will continue to rule Hey Jerk Planet as Dictator, his assistant, Barney Martin, has been put down.

Martin (Dead)



No explanation was given as to why Mr. Martin was removed from this Earth, but suspicions arose in recent weeks as to the location of several missing wallets around HQ.

Dr. FoFo will report directly into The Glenn, and will be responsible for all Wednesday Evening Toilet brawls from here on out.

- Chwong Ooo

Peppur: passed on

Mr. Arf Torkelson:

"It's time that we all recognized Arfingshire Torkelson, founder of the Celery Sword. We're all better donkeys because of Mr. Torkelson."

- Wendell Bly

Wendell HQ Opens

840 Wendell Road, Wendelltown

Hey Jerk Wendells Host First Practice

The Hey Jerk Wendells, members of the United Association of Basketball Playing People (UABPP), have conducted their first practice. Lets meet the team!

Starting Lineup

C - Wendell - 8'9", once grabbed 403 rebounds in the first quarter of a loss to Quebec.
PF - Wendell - 6'7", scored 3 pts in todays practice (unofficial).
SF - Wendell - 6'5", refuses to wear team shorts, plays in tube sock.
SG - Wendell - 4'1", lives by the slogan "Got Wendell?"
PG - Wendell - 2'7", dished 3 assists in late night "Wendellmania" matchup last season vs. Portland

Bench

Wendell
Wendell
Wendell

Coach

Wendell - 14 days coaching experience. Previously served cashews at a pig ranch in Utah. Earned "15 Minutes of Fame" in early 1990's Gustafson explosion.

The Wendells open up their season at Wendell Arena on March 10th at 7PM vs the Washington Poo. Updates exclusively here at The Jerk!

- Staff Wendell Man Wendell