Lanugo Hired as Staff Detective

The Jerk staff are proud to announce the hiring of Dick Lanugo as Staff Detective. He was originally brought on as a temp to investigate the disappearance of Arbuckle Granuloma, former Staff Canary. Following his expert handling of the case, (Granuloma was found buried in the backyard of Macauley Culkin, in a Cookies 'n' Cream ice cream container) Jerk execs swiftly hired no-longer private eye Lanugo for an undisclosed yearly salary.

His first on-staff case is rumored to an in-depth analysis of what is being called the "Peculiar Case of the Cruggs," in five+ generations, there has not been a single female member of the Crugg family. Biologists are waiting with bated breath for Dick's first report.

Stay tuned.

Lanugo

- Staff Editor Aunt Estelle

Saturday Cancellations

Back scrapings: PPD, rain
Salad dressing showers: Moved to the Montgomery building
Crenksley-Gwaybo introductions: April 2

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Lenny Sin-Queh

[len-e SIN-kway]

Vlenstock Joins Fimply at O'Shoogie

Staff Vlenstock Arnie Vlenstock checked himself into O'Shoogie Asylum, Friday. It's a sad end to a difficult week for Vlenstock, who learned his brother, Murray was thrown out with Tuesday's trash and Thursday afternoon his favorite reality television show Watch Me Wipe, was canceled.

Vlenstock joins Donovan Fimply and Rory Rainbow as Hey Jerk staff members who have checked into O'Shoogie. Early prognostications have Capolo and/or Hortense joining them by the end of the weekend.

King of Glenns Terrorizes City

MAYPORT CITY - Munk Glenn, king of the famous Glenn family, was caught terrorizing Mayport City, late Thursday night.

Stay with Hey Jerk for continued coverage.

Donovan Fimply Searching For Brother, Pal

Donovan Fimply has hired a private investigator (Pal) to investigate the disappearance of his dead brother Pal.

"I'm going to find that dead bastard if it kills him!"

Donovan Fimply

- Staff Contributer Donovan Fimply

UPDATE: 10:24 PM EST: After hacking in and posting on The Jerk, Donovan Fimply has been found and checked in to O'Shoogie Asylum.

O'Shoogie

- Staff Contributer Jim Crugg

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Qwondixon Queh

[KWON-dix-in kway]

First Interview with New Staff President

Just hours after being named the new staff president, Squib Cotillion sat down with Hey Jerk for his first interview.


Hey Jerk: Congratulations on the new job.

Cotillion: Helping people sneeze isn't just a job, it's my life's passion.

HJ: No, the staff president job.

C: Oh, right, that job. Well, someone had to pick up the pieces of the former administration.

HJ: Could you go into a little more detail?

C: We literally had to pick up the pieces of the former administration: fingers, eyelashes, shoelaces. It was a dark day at Hey Jerk.

HJ: Not the blog's finest hour, was it?

C: No, I mean we couldn't find the light switch.

HJ: What are your plans for the blog now that you are president?

C: Weekly frowning classes; retreats into the woods, see if anyone gets eaten by anything; and we plan on hiring a few snowmen to keep K.S.C. off our backs.

HJ: K.S.C.?

C: Keeping Snowmen Cold.

HJ: I've never heard of that organization.

C: I made it up.

HJ: The latest financial reports were just released displaying what each staff member earns. Any thoughts?

C: We're paying a spider over $1 million a year and the back door lookout guy is working for free. That doesn't sound right to me.

HJ: What do you plan to do?

C: Get rid of the back door.

HJ: I'm sure readers are wondering about your background. Have you ever been president of a blog before?

C: Well, in the mid-1990s I worked in pool supplies and after that I was a freelance writer for excusemecouldyouremoveyourselffrommygrass.com and up until last November, I was editor-in-chief of thatsmysideburn.com. So, no.

HJ: I appreciate your time and good luck.

C: Thank you, now can you get off my lap?

Cotillion Named New Staff President; Hortense Re-Animated

The staff of The Jerk was forced to move quickly in the hiring of a new Staff President, due to the sudden and unexpected resignation of former President Oz Seckinway. The only statement from the Seckinway camp was the following:

"I was forced to resign due to chronic diarhhea. "

Seckinway's reign left behind an enormous mount of dirty laundry and toilet paper rolls.

New President Squib Cotillion has been hired on as a replacement, and will serve a duel role as Staff President and Staff Comedian (First show 4-2-11.)

Cotillion


- Staff Horse Donkey Face Nelson

Seckinway Resigns

**BREAKING NEWS** - Hey Jerk has accepted the resignation of former staff president Oz Seckinway.

We'll provide more information as it becomes available.

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Ollister Queh

[ALL-is-ter kway]

Hortense Stepped On Again

Staff Arachnid, Hortense was flattened by a running shoe, early Wednesday morning and died. It's the second time in the last month she has perished-by-shoe and a funeral service in her honor is scheduled for February 26.

Other Wednesday deaths: Staff Ice Cream Man, Zach Zingo; staff contributor Von Bwaybrey

Zirnbo 14 Fan Club T-Shirts Available

email oscarrainbow@gmail.com to order

Sanchules Seen Flying over Headquarters Building

Staff Doctor Adonde Sanchules was seen flying over Hey Jerk headquarters, Tuesday night.

No word on whether the surprise escapade was soy sauce-induced, but experts believe Sanchules' flight could signal the start of a multi-family blog war.


- Staff correspondent Von Bwaybrey

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Bernie Queh

[ber-nee kway]

New Hire

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Arnie Vlenstock as the new Staff Vlenstock.

"The plan is to install a gorilla-style government of Vlenstocks within the bowels of the Hey Jerk headquarters, then with gang-like precision, assassinate the entire staff and rename the blog Hey Jerk, Get off of my Vlenstock," said Arnie.

"We hope to be fully operational by early tomorrow morning."

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Qwally Queh (Deceased)

(KWALL-ee KWAY)

Quarterly Financials Made Public, Jerk Profitable

(Click for larger view)

Staff Chef Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of its first staff chef, Zirnbo 14, from the planet Qwumba. Zirnbo 14's good friend and neighbor Zezbro 7 was hired as staff security, February 10, the first inter-planetary hire at the Jerk, but has since gone missing.

"Jorsop yelznick," Zirnbo 14 said in a prepared statement.

Fimply: Dead

Staff Harry Jenkins Pal Fimply has perished in a lawnmower accident. According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, Fimply was eaten by a lawnmower named Wendel.

Funeral services have been canceled due to lack of bacon.


- Staff Fimply Correspondent Ingrid Barnitey

Sherman, Bruce Dead; Debate Scheduled

In startling news, Staff Acorn Historian Junior A. Sherman and Staff Iguana Bruce have been murdered. Preliminary reports have powdered mayonnaise Staff Editor Oscar Rainbow identified as the assassin.

"I did it." said Rainbow as he changed his diaper and ran into the woods.

In other news, the "Four-Family Debate" of 2010 has been scheduled for March 1st. This year, the Mejito, Yoggy, Sanchules, and Queh families will battle it out. It is thought that the offing of Junior Sherman will be a hot topic at this years debate, as Sherman was "in" with the Yoggy and Queh families, but "out" with the Mejito and Sanchules clans. Riots and slayings are sure to follow.

Hey Jerk 2K10 Debate Flyer

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Qwenf-49 Queh

[qwenf-foor-tee-nyne KWAY]

Nelson Dismissed, Vernon New Staff Horse

Donkey Face Nelson was fired as staff horse, Sunday after one his sneezes soaked several pastrami sandwiches, making them unedible.

Nelson, who was making $2,000 per month (sixth-highest salary on staff), will be replaced by Vernon, a two-year old with a Zerner County record 47-inch nostrils. A press conference is scheduled for February 22 at 3:40 a.m.

Jergin & Jimsohn Opening Act, February 24

Jergin & Jimsohn announced they will open for Jerkified, February 24 at the Piso.

The half-brothers-half-toaster ovens last played together live in May, 1988 during the Save the Fundraisers fundraiser.

- Junior A. Sherman

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Wirtling Queh

[WIRT-ling kway]

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Abraham Lincoln-Queh (DECEASED)

(ABE-ruh-hamm LIN-kunn KWAY)

Bwon Buried Under Mount Capolo

One of the longest-tenured staff members, lawyer C. Vanderells Bwon, was buried under Mount Capolo, late Thursday night and perished.

Bwon, who while employed at the Jerk won cases such as "The People vs. Mildred the Crawfish," the January, 2010 landmark double-burger case, and "The People vs. C. Vanderells Bwon", was going for a late-night crawl when the mountain erupted and flattened him instantly.

Time is onions, so the Jerk will waste no time in finding a replacement for Bwon.

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Nirquinn Queh

[nir-QWIN kway]

Staff Hobo Frozengard Actually an Iguana

Stay with Hey Jerk for further updates.

BREAKING: Explosion at Quinkley

An explosion has been reported at the Quinkley Insane Asylum. Hey Jerk has exclusive coverage of the incident.

At this time, it is known that Staff Editor Capolo is fine and resting peacefully at home, having been released after what Quinkley Doctor's called "extreme hysterical behavior with a chance of potatoes." It is also believed that the explosion was caused by a now-rabid Oscar Rainbow, Staff Editor here at the blog. The photo below was taken 4 seconds after the explosion occurred by Staff Doctor\Staff Sanchules Adonde Sanchules.

Quinkley (Explosion)

While it is not currently known who the seemingly euphoric lady standing in the one-time doorway is, the photo clearly shows that Mr. Rainbow was at the facility just seconds after the bombing. If we zoom in closer, we see the below shot of Rainbow in the window.

Oscar Rainbow (Drug Addict)

At this time, the FBI is not commenting on the substance Mr. Rainbow was obviously snorting, but reports coming to The Jerk indicate that it may be powdered mayonnaise. These reports have not yet been verified.

The suddenly rabid, drug-addicted Rainbow is once again on the run. Reports of his whereabouts will come as we receive updated from law enforcements and the court systems.

- Capolo, Staff Editor

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Zokmo Queh (DECEASED)

(ZOCK-moh KWAY)

Help Find Rainbow

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Jeveriah Queh (DECEASED)

[JEV-er-i-uh kway]

Frompley III born

Staff Meteorologist Rocco Frompley and his wife, Nunk-Von4, would like to announce the birth of Roccocamoe Diddinger Frompley III, born at 1:22 p.m.



Birth stats

Height: 3 inches
Weight: .7 lb

Capolo Checks Into Quinkley

After a bizarre week that saw him grow wings and sky-poo, Hey Jerk staff editor Capolo checked himself into Quinkley Asylum, early Tuesday morning.

Quinkley is one of the world's leading institutions for the cabbagely-insane, and housed Oscar Rainbow last month. Capolo, who has ears made of cottage cheese, is expected to spend a minimum of three weeks at the asylum.

"We're going to keep a close eye on Mr. Capolo," said Quinkley employee Fennington Piso. "He showed up early this morning and demanded to speak to 'the termite in charge'. We're pretty worried."


- Calvin Sanchules

Last Remaining Cruggs Eaten

Poseidon Crugg


Ulysses Crugg


R.I.C.

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Hank Mardukis

(HANK MARR-doo-kiss)


Mardukis

Hey Jerk Dead Queh of the Day

Bill Queh (DEAD)

(BILL - kway)

QUEH

Capolo, Frozengard Interrupt Staff Meeting

Editor Capolo and Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard were seen flying over Hey Jerk headquarters late Sunday, dropping fecals on staff members during a weekly meeting.

Early reports indicate Frozengard's job is in serious jeopardy due to the black color of several of his droppings.


[Editor's note]
In attendance at meeting: president Theodore A. Pinecone, assassin Sal Pepano, and dentist Jerry Jerry.

Staff Harry Jenkins Hired

Pal Fimply, recently laid off Staff President, has been hired on as our new Staff Harry Jenkins.

Please join us in congratulating Pal on his hire.

Fimply

"Jerkified" Playing the Piso 2-24

Rap sensation "Jerkified" has just announced they will be playing the Piso on February 24th.

Tickets are $12,500 and are going fast. Get yours now!


(From Left - Gary Smith, Rex Sanchules, Hombley)

STAFF DOCTOR/SANCHULES HIRED

Adonde Sanchules, leader of the Sanchules clan, has been hired to replace Fat Neck Glenn (Deceased, then killed again) as Staff Doctor/Staff Sanchules.

Please join us in offering your congratulations to Adonde.

Remaining Glenns Perish

After Vincenzo Pepano's mass killings of the heads of the Crugg family, early Sunday morning, the Glenn clan could finally put a stranglehold on the Hey Jerk underground avocado industry. Unfortunately, the Glenns perished when their Glennwagon exploded in mid-air just a few minutes ago, killing the heads of the avocado syndicate-Fat Neck, Abner and Petey.

Here's a photo of the Glenns boarding the Glennwagon, the first of its kind, at 8:58 p.m.



According to Hey Jerk crash correspondent Aubrey Sanchules, the crash happened at approximately 9:49 p.m. No word on whether the remaining Cruggs, Ulysses or Poseidon, had anything to do with the crash, though they did release a statement through lawyer C. Vanderells Bwon.

"Let's keep this between you and me, but they may have replaced the gasoline with soy sauce," said Bwon. "And fired several rounds of ammunition at the wagon's fuel tank shortly after take-off."

Hey Jerk Name of the Night

Leif Achtungsten

(LIFE OKK-tung-stin)



Achtungsten

BREAKING: GLENNS HIRE PEPANO CLAN, EXACT FIRST MEASURE OF REVENGE

In what is sure to start an interplanetary riot, the Glenn clan acted swiftly and defiantly to the murder of lone-remaining human Glenn, Mort, at his wedding yesterday.

It is believed that a contract between the Glenns and the Pepanos was finalized in the wee hours of the night, believed to be "Unending offings in exchange for 13 boston cremes." These reports have not been verified.

The swift retrobution certainly will send vibes through the entire Crugg nation.

CRUGG TREE (LATEST)

Click photo for larger view.

"I struck the Crugg HQ in the middle of the night," stated Vincenzo Pepano, "they never saw me coming. Ulysses made it out - but we have an idea where he is headed."

Ulysses Crugg, the lone surviving Crugg, was seen near a local port-a-potty, rambling about "The Return of the Cruggs." It is not known at this time what he meant by that.

Expect rioting to increase in the coming days due to the offing of nearly the entire Crugg clan. Hey Jerk will have the updates.

- Calvin Sanchules

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

Oz Seckinway



Seckinway

CAPOLO BACK FROM TRIP TO SEA, INSANE

Capolo has surfaced after a 3 week hiatus out to sea. While apparently suffering no long term physical injuries, he appears to have lost his mind.

Capolo (Latest Photo)