Hey Jerk Bison baseball manager Orwyn Lyle has announced the final roster for it's B team. The team, which begins practice Friday and its 2013 season April 8, will play its games at historic Pepano Field At Crugg Field (436 Quigg Avenue, Noodletown).
2013 Bison B
Manager - Orwyn Lyle
Coaches - Hwang Jei-Hwuang, Shui Bwitz-Dwon, Timothy "Eeeps" Onnderdale, Pigeon Daniels
Pitchers
C.C. Vanderells
Rusty Feet Sanderson
B'Qwan Addersen
Earlobe Charles
Heyoti Oksuey
Paco Queh
Eggplant Face
Miles Corcoran
E.R. McKinston
Infielders/catchers
Zon Otis
Vinnie Blotch
Kweeshon Dunmark
Noo Noo Nettles
The Celery
Wazzer Winicklia
Kraffonso Uldeen
Hoo Hwan-Zeeshu
Outfielders
Marty Eefis
Woggy Wu
Wipsey Wu
Jose Orades-Uusted
Zat Yoshenastitz
P'Qwayshon McReynolds
Clarence Oople
Possum Tail Marbury
Showing posts with label hey jerk sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hey jerk sports. Show all posts
February 27, 2013
February 22, 2013
Dwimple wins 43,000 meter run
Kolydis Dwimple, great-grandson of legendary goldfish-eating contest champion Horkin Dwimple, has become the youngest ever to win the gold ear in the 43,000 meter run.
Dwimple, 19. started the race January 28 and outlasted all other competitors. The closest to Dwimple was Korean native Hwang He-Kwong, who made it 36,400 meters before passing away under the 11th Street bridge.
The race, which originated in the 1970s as a fundraiser to find homes for runaway potatoes, was seen in 37 countries by over 100 people. Hahingesh Hooheh, Mayor of Powe Valley, the race's host city, declared July 4th to be "Kolydis Dwimple Day".
Dwimple is scheduled to appear on The Shonsen Pepano Show and Is It Morning Already? with Connie Torkelson & Vince Mashore next week.
Dwimple, 19. started the race January 28 and outlasted all other competitors. The closest to Dwimple was Korean native Hwang He-Kwong, who made it 36,400 meters before passing away under the 11th Street bridge.
The race, which originated in the 1970s as a fundraiser to find homes for runaway potatoes, was seen in 37 countries by over 100 people. Hahingesh Hooheh, Mayor of Powe Valley, the race's host city, declared July 4th to be "Kolydis Dwimple Day".
Dwimple is scheduled to appear on The Shonsen Pepano Show and Is It Morning Already? with Connie Torkelson & Vince Mashore next week.
August 24, 2012
Letter to softball team, part 1
Team:
with the help of American "war" hero Irvin Ribinawitz, we've gotten clearance to have an opening day parade before our first game Monday.
There will be sparklers, miniature American flags, miniature Danish flags, drawings of other country's flags glued to miniature flags, and a team potato to be passed around and autographed for the family of Little Pete (1927-2012).
If you could, please arrive early so we can start the honey mustard dunk tank semi finals on time.
Thank you for your time and effort during this difficult phase of my life,
Oscar R.
with the help of American "war" hero Irvin Ribinawitz, we've gotten clearance to have an opening day parade before our first game Monday.
There will be sparklers, miniature American flags, miniature Danish flags, drawings of other country's flags glued to miniature flags, and a team potato to be passed around and autographed for the family of Little Pete (1927-2012).
If you could, please arrive early so we can start the honey mustard dunk tank semi finals on time.
Thank you for your time and effort during this difficult phase of my life,
Oscar R.
August 3, 2012
League treasurer under investigation
Gafreda County Softball Association treasurer Jill Frangepane is under investigation for allegedly
laundering league profits and for employing an illiterate penguin since
November, 2009.
The laundering charges stem from an audit performed on the GCSA's finances in January, which showed more than $30 was funneled into a company that manufactures hearing aids for teddy bears.
The penguin charge is especially alarming as Frangepane has a history with the bird. She was accused, and later acquitted, of attempted Penguin 1 in 1999, and in 2005 married a penguin named Carl for citizenship purposes.
Frangepane released a statement through her lawyer, Henry Loiyer:
"Please get down from my client's bird feeder."
The laundering charges stem from an audit performed on the GCSA's finances in January, which showed more than $30 was funneled into a company that manufactures hearing aids for teddy bears.
The penguin charge is especially alarming as Frangepane has a history with the bird. She was accused, and later acquitted, of attempted Penguin 1 in 1999, and in 2005 married a penguin named Carl for citizenship purposes.
Frangepane released a statement through her lawyer, Henry Loiyer:
"Please get down from my client's bird feeder."
July 22, 2012
Meet a GCSA Team: West Ferguson Alleycats
Location: West End, Ferguson City
Team name: Alleycats
Stadium: VC&V Park
Capacity: 15,000
Owner: Bert Nimmitz
GM: vacant
Manager: Murray Barfield
Last season: 25-16, 4th place
Southwest Conference
C: Chooch Mondale
1B: Otis Pinkly
2B: Hymel Berroa
SS: Marty Eefis
3B: Kirk Whirble
RF: Vic Pryor
CF: Joyce Vanderells
LF: Kirby Samples
UT: Mike Gallego
SP: Chickadee Baker
SP: Bo Jolsen
RP: Zi-Fong Karoo
RP: Samantha Martinez
CL: Johnny Pepper
July 9, 2012
Rainbow goes 17th Overall to Bison: Report
Recently committed Oscar Rainbow was surprisingly still on the board at 17, and the Bison were quick to choose him in the 2012 HJBD yesterday.
Rainbow
The Bison have had a need for a steady presence at the 4 spot since Ru-Ru McDoogle lost his underwear in late August of 2009. They believe that Rainbow can "contribute immediately, and pull down 1-2 boards a month for our squadron," according to GM Hydro Foofane-Winston. "We will depend on Mr. Rainbow to not only pull down a board, but to contribute 35-40 points a night in Coach Keady's famed seven-walrus offense."
Rainbow Bio
Name: Oscarowitz Lucas Rainbow III
DOB: Unknown
Height: 4'9"
Weight: 276 lbs
Left Foot: No
Country of Origin: Mars
College: Johannesburg Institute of Pig Tendon Removal. Played the 1 for Coach Henry Hooheh and was elected to office in March, 1988
Comments: Prides himself on work ethic, armpit hair. Believes in "one almighty governor of the Earth - Chet Binkley." Once ate a mule after losing a bet with Harold Hooheh. Famously quoted as remarking "Lettuce isn't the enemy here, lettuce saves lives."
While signability may be an issue, the Bison are well below the cap for the 2012 season and will be able to offer Mr. Rainbow a substantial multi-year gary, should he accept.
Rainbow's number 23 jerseys are now for sale for $300. Please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com for more information.
- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow
June 12, 2012
2nd round of football draft today
The second round of the BPMFL Draft is coming to you live from Henry Bly's apartment in downtown Klugg.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
No. 12 pick update: Bird traded to British Columbia for Ernie DelBeggio and a box of old lettuce.
13. Orderdale - Hahingesh Hooheh, no college. Hooheh arrived from the country of Vibbshane Monday having played organized football for just two years. In his final year of youth football in Vibbshane, Hooheh wrestled a mule and won with a late-third period take down. Once ate a desk chair to win a bet.
14. China - Theodore Pinecone, deceased. The Chinese, hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle," go with controversial pick Ted Pinecone at 14. Pinecone passed in the Gorilla Wars of the 1970's, but is still believed to be a potential 3-down pash rusher at "the next level." Pinecone's remains are being excavated and will be shipped immediately to Hong Kong.
15. The Pickles - Paddy Zim, Team 4. The Pickles, who went 4-43 in five seasons of adult baseball, have entered the BPMFL and their first pick is a running back. The team, which will play without shoulder pads or cleats for the first eight games of the 2012 season, per-league rules for expansion teams, also have running back K'E'Onshay McGready on the roster, but Zim has promised "a sea of guacamole if I'm not named the starting running back. I've got a guacamole hose."
16. Raul Delvecchio - John Candy, The Great Outdoors. Candy comes with some question marks, as he was recently spotted swallowing a baboon whole (The Portland Times, August 2012). Despite the cry of fans to draft human-turned-mule Lance Penders here, Candy was believe to be the safe choice and "the pillar of our organization for the next 4 months." Candy is expected to report to camp overweight.
End of second round.
June 11, 2012
Live football draft today
The BPMFL (Bog Piso Memorial Football League) will begin its inaugural season in 2012. The league held its first-ever draft this afternoon. Here's a pick-by-pick analysis from staff editors Ernie Ploop (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
June 1, 2012
Meet a GCSA Team: Nottingham Noodles
Location: Nottingham City
Team name: Noodles
Stadium: Fettucine Stadium at Noodle Park
Capacity: 2,500
Owner: A. Crugg
GM: Sandra Vincent
Manager: Pooh Zeoli
Last season: 12-29, 9th place
Southwest Conference
C: Mutt Celery
1B: Shonsen Pepano IV.
2B: Paco Mejia
SS: Hirotoshi Sato
3B: Wilson Woo
RF: No Feet McNamara
CF: Bip Hendrickson
LF: Waylen Woo
UT: Monty Bobo
UT: Taco Lashon
SP: Sid Eeery
SP: Solomon Nettles
SP: Otis Peakaboo
RP: Ellis Yaycheez
CL: Mooneyes Martin
May 25, 2012
Meet a GCSA Team: Team 4
Location: Atlanta, GA
Team name: Team 4
Stadium: Blackburn Park at Janis Field
Capacity: 22,000
Owner: vacant
GM: vacant
Manager: vacant
Last season: 0-41, 15th place
Southwest Conference
C: L'Rondae Appelby
1B: Paul Powe
2B: Buddy Samples
SS: Alvaro Espinoza
3B: Johnny Derwood
RF: Carol Hezzish
CF: Tommy Dent
LF: Pete Zyn
UT: Pervis Powe
SP: Stefan
RP: Mort Russo
May 24, 2012
Moron Added To Tennis Team
The Hey Jerk Bison tennis team, which is coming off consecutive clay-eating contest championships, has signed to the team amateur singles champion Ben Moron. It's the second free agent signing in the past week for the Bison, who Monday inked one-armed Janet Jolsen to a 5-year deal.
"Finally, we have a moron," said tennis coach Horace Sponks. "This team, and this site, has been full of jerks for years, now we have a moron to balance things out. Plus, the kid can eat sandpaper like no one I've ever seen. He'll come in handy in September."
Moron, part-cocker spaniel, will live in the woods for a three-week period, as is G.M.T.A. (Glenn Minkus Tennis Association) rules.
May 10, 2012
Meet a GCSA Team: Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Location: Conyers, GA
Team Name: Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Stadium: Morris the Cat's Litter Box
Capacity: 0
Owner: Stan Fonway
GM: Ralph Fonway
Manager: Ralphy-Ralph Peskowitz
Last Season: 20-21, 9th place Northwest Conference
Roster
1B: Stan Fonway
2B: Stanley Fonway Jr.
SS: Chet Winklebon
3B: Jose Lind
LF: Ralph Fonway
CF: Tunaman
RF: Ralphy-Ralph Peskowitz
C: Lil' Quembo
SP: Ed Murdock
SP: Yu Sha Wu Fen Li
SP: Chung Fonway
RP: Bip Bipperd
RP: Gary
CL: Domination Harris
May 9, 2012
Hey Jerk basketball team formed
The Hey Jerk Bison of the M.M.S.B.A. (Mort Mejito Summer Basketball Association) made its final cuts Friday evening. Here is the final roster:
Head coach: Harvey Plumme
Assistant rabbit: Hops
Assistant in charge of gathering/distributing ice packs: Paul Paulfield III
Spirituality: the ghost of Dr. Crugg
Guards
Little Pete
Roscoe Albergheny
Vinnie Doo
K'Shontae Nettles
Earwax Duttlesby
Forwards
Xavier Nakeel
Hector Ku
Big Forehead Carl
Morris Nathaniel
Horace Ku
Zeke Bly
Centers
The Experience
Percy Swoopes
Larry Dulfman
Head coach: Harvey Plumme
Assistant rabbit: Hops
Assistant in charge of gathering/distributing ice packs: Paul Paulfield III
Spirituality: the ghost of Dr. Crugg
Guards
Little Pete
Roscoe Albergheny
Vinnie Doo
K'Shontae Nettles
Earwax Duttlesby
Forwards
Xavier Nakeel
Hector Ku
Big Forehead Carl
Morris Nathaniel
Horace Ku
Zeke Bly
Centers
The Experience
Percy Swoopes
Larry Dulfman
May 1, 2012
Meet a GCSA team: South Ewing Raiders
Location: 320 South Ewing Blvd.
Team name: Raiders
Stadium: Nosenphronz Stadium
Capacity: 4,000
Owner: Gil Shmulick
GM: Murray Peeptinke
Manager: Ed Potts Jr.
Last season: 24-17, 4th place
Southwest Conference
C: Nester Craymore
1B: Early Shue
2B: Ni-Hop Chui
SS: Bip Lyons
3B: Sid Derwood
RF: Lester Craymore
CF: Natalie O'Shea
LF: Doo Donaldson
UT: Zat McReynolds
SP: She She Shimmitz
SP: Wyatt Zirondack
SP: Willitte Zirondack
RP: Fu Twan
CL: Floody Feet Murdock
April 13, 2012
Hey Jerk Coolies v. Portland, 1:05 EST: Lineup Announced
1) Kork Ashirmin LF
2) Michaela C
3) Pat Zinn 3B/SS
4) Pat Zinn SS/3B
5) Alfredo Sanchules DH
6) J. Scott 1B
7) N/A
8) N/A
9) Greg RF
17) Kork Ashirmin 2B
Manager: Pupu Quimm
Coolie Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie: "Why is Pat Zinn batting third and fourth, coach?"
Coach Pupu Quimm: "It had to be that way."
2) Michaela C
3) Pat Zinn 3B/SS
4) Pat Zinn SS/3B
5) Alfredo Sanchules DH
6) J. Scott 1B
7) N/A
8) N/A
9) Greg RF
17) Kork Ashirmin 2B
Manager: Pupu Quimm
Coolie Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie: "Why is Pat Zinn batting third and fourth, coach?"
Coach Pupu Quimm: "It had to be that way."
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