July 26, 2013

Nindigo Missing

Sad news from Jerk headquarters as staff pork chop Hesop Nindigo has been reported missing.

Nindigo, part of the famous Flying Nindigo Traveling All Stars & Pudding Samplers of the late-1980s, was last seen conversing with McQweese Lood in the 37th floor conference room. Lood, who wished to remain nameless until he realized everyone knew his name, declined comment. He later changed his name to Troy Trundle and re-wished to remain nameless.

Nindigo's parents, Zaul & Colasmell, started a search part for their son Friday afternoon and will continue the search until at least 6:30 p.m.

"That's when Murray Pauvis is on the television," said Zaul. "We don't miss Murray Pauvis, I don't care who has gone missing and allegedly been eaten by a crow."


It's been a difficult year at the Jerk as thousands of staff members and inanimate objects have gone missing. Here are the five most important, compiled by Poog Cronin Magazine For Kids:

5. Agnes Otto (June 6)
4. Packet of mustard (January 11)
3. Ronnie Puddlekick (July 9)
2. Sergei Korcheenov (February 6 & February 19)
1. Mosef Zubique (January 22)

July 19, 2013

New football league announces 12 franchises

The N.F.L.H.W.A. (National Football League of Humans & Wild Animals), a semi-pro league set to begin its inaugural season in September, 2014, announced its 12 franchises Friday morning.

Team - head coach

Roswell Backwoods Fontes - Wayne Fontes
Slosh Valley Vulchers - Gafreda Goizwetta
Clarkston Cornchipmassagers - Wadesworth Chinn

Brunson Bluejays - Peebo Forehead
Hoohoo Huevos - Juan-Carlos Mejiasuevo
Bergeron Lunchpointers - Poog Cronin
Angelo Tweezershines - Lyle Zeoil
The Walrusfrowns - Petey Pershack
Bumperchurch IV - Reverend Donnie Craig
The Salamanders - Earless Pete 
Selwich Carrottossers - Nat McKinley
The Celeryfingers - Paco

July 14, 2013

Sal Cheeserug, great Taxidermist, Announced Deceased

Salvatore "Shitknuckle" Cheeserug, world renowned for his taxidermy and black market underwear dealings, has been found deceased at his home atop Feathers Hill.

Cheeserug



















Cheeserug Bio

Name: Salvatorio Bocockio Smith-Cheeserug
DOB: 1/1/1938
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 963 lbs
Genitals: N/A
Partner: Alvin Hookmaster  - Deceased, August, 1987 (cheetah)
Walrus: Henry (Hank)
Quotes: "Once a salamander, always a salamander" "Who's Dom Xomcheese?" "A man removed is a man scorned." "RIP Doogie Henrikson Jr."

Cheeserug, who once swallowed a rhinoceros whole, is believed to have been suffocated to death by and unknown subject (unsub). The murder weapon, Harold, has been brought into HQ for questioning but is claming the 17th amendment.

Anyone with information on the assailant is encouraged to contact Detective Queck Rainbow at 1-999-donkey. Rewards will be considered (otter)

- Cheeserug Hamilton

July 1, 2013

Balool's Nose Terrorizes City, Hundreds Reduced To Hiccuping

Maurice Balool's nose is in the midst of a rampage through the streets of Clubbner City, according to staff correspondent Lazlo Bergeron.

Residents of the quiet town, which is known for having the world's largest soy sauce pool (Nunce Valley Times - February, 2007), have been driven from their homes and into the Hiccup Pits where more than three dozen cases of hiccups have been reported.

Balool, 47 in earth years and munstercheese-9 in planet Balool years, was one of several Balools to migrate to planet Earth after the pillow feather storms of 1982 nearly destroyed his home planet. His nose was ranked as the 7th-largest in the modern era, passing several notable sneezers/nostril models, including Harvey Minkus.














Balool (Staff photo by Pappamichael Zinn-Brignac)


Other Balools are expected to join Maurice on the family's Rampage Tour 2013, including Flonn Balool, Jeremiah Balool, Donnie "Peeps" Balool, the folk music group Muddy Sarah Balool, Greg Balool, Reverend Mush Face Balool, Maurice Balool Sr., Patty Balool and her parakeet, Ingrid Balool Jr., and Ulysses Balool.

BIRD BREACH - PLEASE REMAIN CALM

Larry Bird has been spotted in the conservatory on the 701st floor at HQ.

Bird






While Mr. Bird seems to be calm and stable mentally, it is believed that he is armed with a ".45 glock" and should be considered extremely dangerous.

Bird's nose, Henderson, is believed to be relieving himself in the east wing restroom.





The Larry Bird Alarm has been "rung" and the evacuation has begun. DO NOT attempt to confront Lawrence Bird at any time. The sight of Mr. Bird can leave one paralyzed, which then leads to the famous "Bird Gaze" from Bird which can turn one to mayonnaise.

The Bird Police will be on site shortly with the spaceman suits and atomic bombs.

- Management