January 31, 2011

Buy Glenn Bonds

Brumms Fire Back, Aroldis Pococcio Assassinated



FRONT LINES, IL, 5:27 p.m. - After the Pococcio's officially declared war on the Brumms with the swallowing/expulsion of Archibald Brumm, the Brumm family retaliated Monday evening. Aroldis Pococcio, longtime pigeon be-bop artist and "pastrami man" was assassinated near his mailbox when a Brumm plane dropped a mayonnaise bomb on Pococcio's head, killing him instantly.

Brumm family spokeswoman Veronica Crugg released a statement:

"The Brumms accept the Pococcio's declaration of war and they have responded with vinegar."


- War correspondent Kirk Anshelman


** Death count for the Brumm-Pococcio conflict: 2 **

Pococcios Strike First, Archibald Brumm Dead

The Brumm/Pococcio War has officially begun, with the Pococcio Clan striking first. Archibald Brumm is dead, swallowed whole by Otis Pococcio, Staff Oyster/Brumm Hater.

Archie Brumm (Dead)


Archibald W. Brumm was a respected member of society, and will be missed by a few. He was swim coach at Fimply High for over 4 decades, training elite athletes such as Elbridge Gary and Popo Qwimm.

While it is not yet known how and where Otis performed the act, it is believed that Brumm was swallowed alive, then perished in Mr. Pococcios innards before being "released" in the 56th floor restroom stall sometime late last evening. His remains are now part of the Qwogg City sewer system.

Expect retaliation from the Brumms, and quickly.

- Staff War Correspondent Wood Chotch

January 30, 2011

New Brumm Hates Pococcios; War Imminent

Budford "Buddy" Brumm has been hired as Pool Cue, replacing the recently-deceased Fhelt Ames at one of Jerk's highest-ranking positions. Brumm was also brought on to add some muscle to the Brumm side of the impending war with the Pococcios.

Budford Brumm



Age: N/A
Enemies: Pococcios; back-talking door-to-door yogurt salesmen
Career kills: 17
Education: Stood on the lawn at Klauzenrodner University (March, 1996)
Personal slogan: "I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much."

Pococcio Family "Making Noise"

The Pococcio family has struck again, adding Otis Pococcio to the staff for the second Pococcio hire in less than a week. Otis will take on the role of Staff Oyster, effective immediately.


Pococcio


Otis Pococcio, who is the grandson of the recently hired HP Pococcio, is also an avid Brumm hater. "I kill Brumms - on sight."

With the Pococcios on staff now numbering two, you can expect a full blown Pococcio revolution soon.

- Woodbert Chotchke

Bogoba Era Ends

Former Staff Segway Yimp Bogoba passed away Sunday evening. No one knows what happened to the former Uruguagian bobsledder/gravel taste tester and no one cares.

Bogoba

1646-1998
2003-2011

January 27, 2011

Pococcio Family Finally Here, Will Challenge Glenn

The founder of the Pococcio family, Herbert Peter (HP) Pococcio, is finally here. Pococcio was not hired, but forced his way onto staff as Staff Brumm Assassin.

HP Pococcio



The Pococcio family has been widely believed to be involved in organized crime for over a century now, dating back to the late 1800's when Rudolf Pococcio ruled the streets of Iowa. Some 120 years later, HP is planning on making his presence known, and has chosen The Jerk as his outlet.

"I'm here to eliminate Brumm's and take out Glenn," he said. "Then, to rule the galaxy."

Expect more Pococcio's in the near future, as a Pococcio machine is believed to have been built somewhere in southern Europe.

- Staff Pococcio Correspondent Woodmond H. Chotchkeson

January 26, 2011

Clintman Eaten



Sad news this evening as early reports indicate former Staff Clint Clint Clintman has been eaten by a stapler. Clintman made national headlines in the early-1990s when he successfully lobbied to have all of the wheat bread removed from his hometown of Farber, WJ, and was brought to the Jerk to change the clint culture.

It is believed that editor Capolo ordered the 8th floor blue stapler to eat Clintman after a statement by Capolo was leaked to local television station WHEY-7:

"I've had enough of Clint Clintman. He stole my asparagus."

Funeral services were scheduled for Friday, but were quickly canceled due to lack of ketchup.

New Family Arrives

The Jerk would like to announce the arrival of the Brumms as the newest family at headquarters. The family spokesman, Krul Brumm, formerly a celery man on the Saturday morning cartoon Harvey's Possum Army, had a brief press conference Wednesday evening:

"The Brumms are here for one, main reason: to eliminate Fonchonskis. We're also here for the potato salad."


Krul Brumm

More Brumms are expected on the next Brumm Plane, scheduled to arrive at 7:45 p.m. GST.

Uppamontax Hired



Grant Uppamontax from the planet Pudding5 has been hired as Staff Cauliflower. Uppamontax will wait around in the refrigerator for someone, quite possibly Gromp Phui, to eat him.

Uppamontax will also be responsible for re-stocking the talking envelope machine.

UPDATE: Rainbow Brushes Teeth

O-SHOOGIE ASYLUM, 2:02 p.m. GST - Editor Oscar Rainbow, who checked himself into O-Shoogie Asylum for Men Who See Imaginary Raccoons Tuesday, was found brushing teeth in his cell Wednesday afternoon.

The photo below was sent to Jerk headquarters and it is not clear whether Rainbow continued up the face to brush his nose and cheeks, as he has been known to do.

Fat Neck's Cousin Hired

Staff President Fat Neck Glenn showed some family allegiance today and hired on his cousin, Fred Minkus. Minkus is a paper bag from the Whole Foods Grocery Chain, and will take on the role of Staff Whole Foods Paper Bag.

Minkus


Minkus, who is an avid anti-Rainbow activist, is widely known to be an active assassin and quite possibly interested in offing Oscar Rainbow altogether. Being that Rainbow is currently incarcerated, however, Minkus will most likely bide his time as Staff Whole Foods Paper Bag until Rainbow escapes from or blows up the asylum and returns to The Jerk, pantsless.

- Staff Rainbow Correspondent Woodford W. Chotchke III

January 25, 2011

BREAKING: Rainbow Shipped to O'Shoogie

Once Again, Rainbow Checks In

For the 4th time since the inception of The Jerk, Oscar Rainbow has checked into a mental facility for what doctors are calling "a lack of perception of what is real, and what is poo." Rainbow has apparently been on the downfall for several months now, as it has been discovered he stopped taking his pills in early November.

Rainbow (Insane)


It was apparently decided by the up and ups at The Jerk that the time had finally come to re-check in Rainbow when he was spotted with his pants on his head and no underwear on, roaming the 5th floor cafeteria singing "God Bless America."

It is not currently known when Rainbow will be deemed safe for a return to everyday work here at the blog. We offer him our most mediocre of condolences.

January 24, 2011

"I Had a 7.2 - The Oscar Rainbow Story"

The story about a man and a morning built on lies, betrayal, evacuation, space men, police tape, toilets on trial, industrial-strength hoses, more police tape and romance.


Starring...

Oscar Rainbow as himself
Ardis Bryson as Prosecuting Attorney Schmidt
Hillary Von Sway as herself
Mark Rooso as Professor Zipp
T.P. Tinsley as the talking ice cube
Lionel Wood as brussel sprout fight coordinator
Pete Muskie as turd #4
Bernadette Paul as Judge Brooks
Stuart Fratkin as Poo Murdock
Amanda Pratt as Evil Jessica


And introducing Morris Pickford as the tinkle historian


IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 1!!

January 23, 2011

Nerdling Hired



Ned Nerdling
Staff Dum Dum

Zez Pock Goes Away

Zez Pock, longtime hated staff member and Pock family mascot, has left the Jerk for what he described as "personal reasons."

Pock (Gone)


While Pock claims to have left for reasons unknown, most staff members and police investigators believe his sudden exit is directly related to the fact that Chuck Frozengard, Staff Hobo, walked over to Pock's cubicle this morning and began relieving himself on Pock's head. Pock allowed Frozengard to finish, then stood up for a moment before removing his pants and beginning to scream. That was the last time Pock was seen at HQ.

Good riddance, Zez Pock.

- Staff Urine Correspondent Woody Chotchke

January 21, 2011

Rooney Hired



Edward Rooney
Staff Dean of Students

Fonchonski Hired

In retaliation for the recent Fonchonski slaying, Capolo and his camp immediately hired a new Fonchonski, Vooble. Vooble will take on the role of Staff Odor.

Fonchonski


Vooble Fonchonski, seen here in a staff file photo believed to have been taken sometime in the mid 20's, is half Fonchonski, half spaceship. He believes he will avenge the death of his grandfather Schmooble, while at the same time maintaining integrity in his role as Staff Odor.

More to come.

- Staff Lead Correspondent and Potential Takeover Threat Woody Chotchke

Fonchonski Era Ends



Former Staff Dietician Schmooble Fonchonski has died of a silverware overdose. Fonchonski was one of several family members to infiltrate the Jerk and terrorize a once-quiet farming community with his anti-shampoo propaganda and militant raccoon armies. The 54-year old got into the kitchen cabinet Friday morning "and just started eating all the silverware, forks, knives, spoons. It was a really ugly scene for my son Laundry Detergent to have to see," said eyewitness Zez Pock. "He really went after the spoons; I've never seen anything like it. Well, never on this planet."

Fonchonski will be buried with his other deceased family members, in a pickle jar underneath the Vernon Street bridge.

"Schmooble Is Finally Dead" t-shirts are available at Hey Jerk HQ or by emailing oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Thing Left on Doorstep



Something was left on the doorstep of Hey Jerk headquarters late Friday morning. As of 11:27 a.m. GST blog officials had not identified the object, though they have narrowed it down to four choices:

1. Chuck Frozengard's girlfriend/accountant, Mable-12
2. An alien from the planet Wertz
3. Capolo's fried onion and mayonnaise sandwich from last Wednesday
4. Toobishfot

Stay with the Jerk for updates.


- Correspondent Glenn Chotchke

Breaking News: Oscar Rainbow Placed on Probationary Status

Oscar Rainbow


Placed on probationary status 1/21/11 at 11:05 AM GST.

Fido Didier, Longtime Staff Didier Machine Operator, Abducted

****BREAKING NEWS****

8:46 AM GST: In shocking news, an alien warcraft was spotted over HQ this morning beaming longtime associate Fido Didier into its hull.

Didier (Abducted)


Fido Didier was a longtime staff favorite amongst coworkers, known for his timely gas and his incessant blabbering. He also had an odd obsession with camel humps. While it is currently not known why the aliens felt a need to abduct Didier, many here at the staff are saying "good riddance" and hope that the aliens torture and then brutally murder Didier. Guess the man had worn out his welcome here anyway.

Godspeed, Fido.

- Staff Alien Correspondent Woody Chotchke

Ashes of Miles Found

Miles, the Staff Kitten, was found in the form of ashes in a 47th floor urinal, according to Chuck Frozengard, who located the deceased kitten while urinating on his remains.

Miles (Dead)


Frozengard released the following statement through his Camel, Josh:

"Poor little guy. I was just takin' a little tinkle and noticed that the urinal cake was covered in ashes that smelled of kitty litter. I don't know who could do such a thing, but I for one actually don't care. That cat stunk."

The ashes were later picked up by Staff Custodian Gerald Quinn and thrown into a dumpster behind HQ.

- Woody Chotchke

Ziqwontavian Hired



Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Wong Ziqwontavian as Staff Toaster Oven. Ziqwontavian, who worked for rival blogs Feathersmadeasmelly.blogspot.com and Capolostinklediary.blogspot.com, will be responsible for heating breads and Didier Muffins™, as well as burning envelopes and stamps during the coming Mailman War of 2012.

January 20, 2011

Gestation Dimpley Hired

Gestation Dimpley, formerly Harry Winston Cheshire Pock, has been hired on as Staff Electrical Outlet, effective 12/1/2013.

Dimpley



Dimpley, who worked as Staff Eggnog for a rival blog from 1668 through 2010, is honored to become part of the juggernaut that has become The Jerk.

"I am sincerely and undoubtedly dubiously honored to be a part of this fantastic establishment. I will do everything I can to add value to an already incredible staff."

As butt-kissing antics are not appreciated here at The Jerk, no doubt Dimpley will be dead soon.

- General Woody Chotchke

Weekly Poo Weekend Wrap-Up - Weekend of 1/14/11

RAINBOW

Friday

A.M. - 3.7. yellow discoloration, smell forces cat, Dendrick, to flee premises.
P.M. - 0.8. small turd, "Marty", some gas.

Saturday

N/A

Sunday

A.M - 4.8. - 9 incher followed by wet explosions. Apartment evacuated, space men spend from 1:00 p.m. to 2:35 p.m. cleaning. Day officially declared "The Day the Toilet Fought Back" by local historians.

CAPOLO

Friday

A.M. - Standard 2.8. No reporting necessary.
A.M. - 4.3. Form filed and bathroom roped off. Space men in for investigation at 11:29 GST.

Saturday

A.M. - 3.8. Odor travels next door, neighbors evacuate for morning.

Sunday

A.M. - 4.7. Capolo and Wife run out front door screaming, fire trucks arrive at 10:53 GST. Space men and government officials survey the site, neighborhood evacuated.

- Poo correspondent W. Chotchke

January 19, 2011

Pulshway Found Dead

Ernest W. Pulshway
1776 - 1879

Quink Found Dead



Sheshikiah Quink
1836-2011

* Died of airplane wing overdose *

January 18, 2011

Schtonkman Hired

**BREAKING**

8:46 GST - Elvis Schtonkman has been hired as Staff Penis, according to an aardvark with no knowledge of the situation or awareness that the Jerk exists.

Schtonkman




Schtonkman Bio
Name: Elvisberg Clive Schtonkman
Sex: Unknown
DOB: 1/1/1
Nose: Penis
Partner: Jaqueef A. Tisdale
Odor: Yeti droppings and pig fetus
Friends: Oscar Rainbow, Pal Fimply, Hal Dimpley
Likes: Penis, snap peas, going to the gas station
Dislikes: Penis, Gary, long jump competitions
Education: N/A
Experience: N/A
Please join us in welcoming Schtonkman to our staff!
- Woody Chotchke

First Sumblian Hired



History has been made again at the Jerk as Zizz-45 has been hired as Staff Paper Towel. Zizz-45, the first member of the planet Sumbly to receive a staff position, brings with him over 20 years experience in the cleaning supply industry and nearly 10 years of experience in the Lawnmower Insult industry.

Zizz-45 spoke through his translator, Translation Jackson:

"Clerp fynish. Sink Blubbish."

Cantaloap Rotten

Chuck Cantaloap, the inanimate piece of fruit hired what seems like eons ago, has gone rotten and out of season.

Cantaloap (Rotten)



Cantaloap, who was found at his cubicle chair rotting away, was thrown out the window.

Good day, Mr. Cantaloap.

Pinenuts "Hired"

Jammy Pinenuts, longtime reader, has been hired on as Staff Executioner. Pinenuts specializes in executions, particularly via yeti and telephone explosion. He will be expected to "take care of" all staff members accused of anything minute or serious, and disposing or consuming the remains afterwards.

Pinenuts


Pinenuts released the following statement through his interpreter, himself:

"Me kill people, then sometimes eat. Sometimes not."

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Pinenuts to our staff.

- Woody Chotckhe

New Pock Discovered, Immediately Stamped and Murdered

Gusifer Pock, a recently discovered Pock from what was thought to have been an extinct family, was discovered living in the plumbing of a sink of the 67th floor of Jerk HQ Tuesday morning. Gusifer Pock, who was believed to have been coming up for a sandwich, was spotted "stuck" in the drain of the sink while attempting to escape unnoticed.

Pock (Now Deceased)



Rawry Fimply, the discoverer, had the following statement.

"I was going to wash my hair as per my usual Tuesday AM routine, and there he was - gasping for air, stuck under the drain stopper. I believe he had been on his way out for the sandwich when I closed the drain to fill the sink in preparation for Hair Washing 2K11. "

He continued "I of course released the little guy immediately, and carried him back to my cubicle, where I keep my "loser" stamp. After stamping Gusifer, as he called himself, I decided I had had enough of him. I put him on the ground next to that Cheeto, and stomped on him. If anyone has any Pock remover, please bring it to my cube on the 47th floor east as I now how Pock remnants stuck to my new loafers."

Gusifer Pock - 19XX - 2011. RIP.

- Woody Chotchke

January 13, 2011

Pastrada Brought on Board



To combat the seemingly-endless parade of Dimpleys, Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Goins Pastrada as Staff Dimpley Hater. Pastrada will stand guard at the front linguine door at headquarters and insult all Dimpleys.

January 11, 2011

Dimpley Dies



Orwin Dimpley, step-brother of recently hired/fired Tweffle, was eaten by a giant talking taco late Tuesday. Dimpley recently was lead council in the William Bill vs. S.B.S.A. (Snow Blower Society of America) that sent eighteen asparagus to the electric chair, and also starred in the 2003 play Pencil Sharpeners on Ice. His funeral is set for January 14 underneath the Patterson's living room couch. No one is invited.

Police Report

Wembly Rainbow




1-11-11 3:46 AM GST - Mr. Wembly Rainbow of Pine Balls, WI was arrested on several counts, including attempting to bribe a police office with sex and failure to wear pants. In addition, Rainbow attempted to flee the spot of the crime, screaming that he was "just an innocent paper bag trying to have a go at this life." Upon finally being detained, police tackled Mr. Rainbow into a nearby sewer drain, where he proceeded to defecate and urinate on the officers before being subdued via tazer gun.

The trail for Wembly Rainbow will begin tomorrow. Don't expect to see this man in public ever again.

Dimpley Hired



Tweffle Dimpley has been hired as Staff Fired. His work was nearly appreciated and he might be missed.

Police Report

Capolo Henderson



1:06 p.m. GST. Capolo was arrested inside PetStop Store #78 with a pair of jeans on his head and impersonating a salamander while attempting to trade his left sneaker for a pile of beagle poo, a class K5-felony. Mr. Henderson was irritable and began shouting about needing to take a bird seed bath "before the goldfish took over", according to an eyewitness. Police detained the 38-year old and he remained in protective custody until an Ernietopsy can be performed on an acorn Capolo is accused of murdering during a rampage on the fish tank aisle. Mr. Henderson is also accused of eating more than three pounds of cat litter with intent to vomit.

Bail is set at 11 potato skins.


- Wexford County Police Dept.

January 10, 2011

"Mental Abnormalties" - The Rainbow/Capolo Story

T-Shirt Sacrifice '11

Hogglesby Era Ends With Mule Stomping



Melvin Hogglesby, who had frightened staff members with promises of "blog-wide annihilations" was stomped to death by a trained mule named Marty early Monday. Hogglesby, the former staff neck had already eliminated Ernie Valdez in a senseless act last Friday and an entry in his diary stated "more killings to come: Estelle, Naughton Jr., Joelson, etc..." No one cared if Joelson perished, but the implications that editors Estelle and Naughton Jr. were next forced the blog hierarchy to take action, though Naughton Jr's odor has become a problem.

January 8, 2011

Venton Bogoba: 1567-2011

Venton Bogoba, the Staff Waver that looked like a head with an arm sticking out of it, has perished. Chuck Frozengard, Staff Hobo and Staff Loser, apparently had had it with Bogoba's antics, and fecalated on the man until he ceased to live.

Bogoba (Dead)


"I hated the guy ever since he said hello to me. He needed to go, and I took matters into my own bowels." - Chuck Frozengard

No one will remember Bogoba ever existed tomorrow.

- W. Chotchke

January 7, 2011

Valdez "Already dead when we found him."

Ernie Valdez, wanderer/hobo from the planet Aschermann, was found deceased this morning on the doorstep of Hey Jerk Headquarters.

"I was the first one in this morning," said Mel Hogglesby, "and I stumbled upon Mr. Valdez when entering the pin code to the front door."

Valdez (Dead)


After further investigation, Hogglesby fessed up.

"Okay, my statement wasnt entirely accurate. I saw Valdez here, picking his coolie and sniffing it this morning. I immediately murdered him, for the sake of bologna. Thought the world would be a better place."

At this time, Hogglesby is in the confines of the police holding cell while the investigation continues.

Stay tuned for updates.

- Woody Chotchke

Hogglesby Arrives



A void has been filled at headquarters as Jerk officials announced the hiring of Melvin Hogglesby as Staff Neck. Hogglesby, a longtime Feathers supporter all the way back to the Ear Lobe election of '92, will be responsible for neck cleanings as well as the lead investigator in any tangerine pummellings.

January 5, 2011

Bill Hired



An historic event has taken place at the Jerk as William Bill has been hired as staff snow blower. Bill was recently staff shovel/sidewalk for the influential site Capolo Smells Like Onions, and becomes the first Vartuchian in Jerk history.

Bill released a statement through his lawyer, Vernon, a possum that lives in Bill's navel:

"Zernch."

January 4, 2011

BREAKING: Staff Editor Rainbow Missing

In shocking news, it is being reported that at this hour, blog co-founder and editor Oscar Rainbow has gone missing.

Rainbow


Last seen eating a grapefruit in the 5th floor urinal closet, Rainbow is believed to have fled the premises shortly after 10 AM this morning as security cameras spotted a "short man in a pumpkin helmet" running from the rear entryway, screaming. Pants were not believed to be involved.

More coming as we get it here at The Jerk.

- W. Chotchke

Finally, Fireman Hired

Gromp Phui, known for his sexual exploits with Bagels and deceased Bagel corpses, has been hired on as Staff Fireman - a position that has been long needed but never filled here at The Jerk.

Phui



Mr. Phui comes from a long line of Phuis, including Bregbo and Charles.

Gromp Phui Bio

Name: Grompton Frank Phui IV
DOB: 4
Sex: Male
Gay: Yes
Pants: N/A
Occupation: Toe Nail Porn ('56-'67), Zaxbys ('94-'94), Unemployment
Family: Helicopter Fimply (Divorced), Elephant Rainbow (Divorced), Oz Seckinway (Deceased)
Other: Wanted in Wisconsin for railroad spike theft and subsequent murder via railroad spike; likes skydiving, water polo

Please join us in welcoming Gromp to our staff.

- Staff Correspondent Woody Chotchke

January 3, 2011

Glenn Put On Probation



Pip Glenn, son and co-assistant to staff leader Fat Neck Glenn, has been put on probation effective as soon as the results from a nostril depth test are returned to headquarters. The probation will not affect Glenn's role in the recently-released film Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story, and he'll remain as driver/celery man on the Glennwagon.