"Machida found guilty"

Seffersburg, SA - Brunson Machida was found guilty of lettuce evasion Monday afternoon in the Vanderells County Courthouse & BBQ Barn. Machida, tulip, will serve a minimum of 11 months draped in several varieties of lettuce, including romaine and red leaf (Yankston County v Jenny Jolson, 1977).

Machida, born without legs, but with arm-legs & on schedule to receive ear-thumbs by Christmas, 2019, had been using a black market lettuce, "blettuce" since coming to Seffersburg from his native Yetz in the late-1990s.

Machida's younger brother, Yoloff, starred with Brunson for the Gendersberry Team at the '02 Ceiling Fan Nationals, but since had run into some trouble of his own with the law (provolone). To receive a lesser sentence for his crimes, Yoloff informed the police of his brother's ongoing lettuce problems. The two had been separated by a pile of fourth grader's drawings of elephants since December, 2016.

- Staff correspondent Grongo Zax