LIMITED TIME OFFER

For the first time in Jerk history, we are having an exclusive, invite only auction. The item for sale, you might be asking? Please see below.

Trash from Marty Shmemwoth's 1998 Corolla (left in shopping cart at Target in Alpharetta, Ga)

Not included: Large, black rubbery looking item (being donated to HJ Museum)











The auction will be held at Oscar "The Real Deal" Rainbow Memorial Auditorium on March 25th at 4 AM EST. If you would like to request an invite, please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com to inquire.

- Staff Auctioneer Sam Rosen's Plotka

Best of the last year

The best of the last 365 days at the Jerk, as voted on by an esteemed panel of judges:

* President Haboote Klonger

* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly

* That guy over there


12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins 
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released

Swineface Rainbow Hired

Swineface Rainbow, cousin of Gorilla Rainbow (deceased) and great uncle of Giraffe Rainbow (missing) has been hired on as Staff Pig.

Upon hearing of the hire, Swineface "Shit" Rainbow was thrilled. He promises to "stink up the place" as well as bring an end to all pro-Larry sentiment around HQ.

"We've all gone too soft these days around The Jerk. Larry's have become acceptable, and in some cases, even preferred. We need to get back to our roots, to what got us here - a strict anti-Larry platform with a clean slate for a better America in 2019."

Rainbow brought his pet beluga whale, Simon, along with him for the 18 hour flight to HQ. He will be seated in the 415th floor water closet where he will be confined via steel locking mechanisms and under 24-7 surveillance.

- Staff Rainbow man Oscar Rainbox

Editor Oscar Rainbow Relocates: Breaking

Oscar Rainbow, editor and long time pig embalmer, has relocated.

Rainbow

Once considered "firmly entrenched" (Orlando Sentinel - August, 2004) in Fannyville, GA - Rainbow decided earlier this year that it was "time to get the hell out of this dump." Rainbow packed up his hippos, and is believe to be in the process of relocating to an unknown location in Cleveland. .

NOTE: Video may contain graphic language or content. View only if accompanied by gorilla.

While it is not yet know who the "coolie-man" he refers to in the video is, Rainbow was last seen fleeing Fannyville in a yellow Ford pickup with and ostrich in the passenger seat. Until further notice, the "coolie-man" should be considered extremely gaseous with the intent to distribute.

Dr. Rainbow is to be considered dangerous until found not dangerous. Please do not attempt to approach him without authority protection, as he has recently been attempting to eat all those who come within a 10 foot radius of himself.


If you have any information on the whereabouts of Big O', please email ernieploop@gmail.com for a substantial reward.

- Staff Rainbow Beat Writer Francois Crugg

Rainbow goes 17th Overall to Bison: Report

Recently committed Oscar Rainbow was surprisingly still on the board at 17, and the Bison were quick to choose him in the 2012 HJBD yesterday.

Rainbow

The Bison have had a need for a steady presence at the 4 spot since Ru-Ru McDoogle lost his underwear in late August of 2009. They believe that Rainbow can "contribute immediately, and pull down 1-2 boards a month for our squadron," according to GM Hydro Foofane-Winston. "We will depend on Mr. Rainbow to not only pull down a board, but to contribute 35-40 points a night in Coach Keady's famed seven-walrus offense."

Rainbow Bio

Name: Oscarowitz Lucas Rainbow III
DOB: Unknown
Height: 4'9"
Weight: 276 lbs
Left Foot: No
Country of Origin: Mars
College: Johannesburg Institute of Pig Tendon Removal. Played the 1 for Coach Henry Hooheh and was elected to office in March, 1988
Comments: Prides himself on work ethic, armpit hair. Believes in "one almighty governor of the Earth - Chet Binkley." Once ate a mule after losing a bet with Harold Hooheh. Famously quoted as remarking "Lettuce isn't the enemy here, lettuce saves lives."

While signability may be an issue, the Bison are well below the cap for the 2012 season and will be able to offer Mr. Rainbow a substantial multi-year gary, should he accept.

Rainbow's number 23 jerseys are now for sale for $300. Please email oscarrainbow@gmail.com for more information.

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Rainbow Mistaken for Gene Keady

Oscar Rainbow has been mistaken for Gene Keady.

Keady/Rainbow

Durf Wenkle was passing by HQ on his morning jog when he began screaming "Mr. Keady, Mr. Keady! Is that you?" Soon after, puzzled, Mr. Rainbow approached Wenkle, threatening to eat him. Wenkle became enraged. "You'll pay for this, Gene. I've loved you my entire life and this is how you repay me? You haven't heard the last of Durfenshire Wenkle!" With that, Dr. Wenkle ran into the woods.

Oscar Rainbow has been taken to the Aunt Estelle Home For The Clinically Keady and is being evaluated by doctors on hand. It has not yet been determined if Rainbow must be put down or can continue to be a part of society.

Updates to come.

- Staff Keady Man Wilbur Hogshine

Finally, Dangerfield on Board as New Editor

Rodney Dangerfield, formerly Staff Ugly for the rival blog capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com, has been brought on as a new Staff Editor.

Dangerfield

Dangerfield, who is blind in both eyes and has a second rear end on his chest, is looking to bring a new style to the Jerk, with his toilet humor and lack of personal hygiene. Dr. Rodney's left ear fell off during the proceedings, but his right ear remains (deaf). Dangerfield's nose, Henry, refused comment.

Dangerfield can no longer "speak," but did make a noise in response to his hiring:

"Mehhhhhhh."

Dangerfield strongly resembles fellow editor Oscar Rainbow, who did not comment on the hire. Granted, Rainbow isn't happy and will most likely retaliate (carrot).

Please expect Mr. Dangerfield to "expire" within the next few hours, before he can contribute.

- Staff Doo Donkey Face Nelson

Durly Buys Hat, Starts Anti-Rainbow Campaign

Darren Durly, Staff Idiot and voted 1999's "Most hated person on Earth," has started an Anti-Rainbow campain "with the goal of murdering Oscar Rainbow."

Durly (New shirt and hat)

The self proclaimed "Doctor" with only 3 years of formal education, stated that the local Atlanta bureau of his Anti-Rainbow Coalition (ARC) will be formed immediately, and already has just north of 700 souls volunteering. Other venues will open "around the globe, until we have the force needed to eliminate Rainbow once and for all, or at least to ship him off to Mercury."

Expect more statements from Durly and his people in the near future.

- Staff Idiot Darren Durly

2nd round of football draft today

The second round of the BPMFL Draft is coming to you live from Henry Bly's apartment in downtown Klugg.

Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).

9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."

10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.

Update - Henry has been killed. 

11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.

12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
 

 

No. 12 pick update: Bird traded to British Columbia for Ernie DelBeggio and a box of old lettuce.

13. Orderdale - Hahingesh Hooheh, no college. Hooheh arrived from the country of Vibbshane Monday having played organized football for just two years. In his final year of youth football in Vibbshane, Hooheh wrestled a mule and won with a late-third period take down. Once ate a desk chair to win a bet.

14. China - Theodore Pinecone, deceased. The Chinese, hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle," go with controversial pick Ted Pinecone at 14. Pinecone passed in the Gorilla Wars of the 1970's, but is still believed to be a potential 3-down pash rusher at "the next level." Pinecone's remains are being excavated and will be shipped immediately to Hong Kong.

15. The Pickles - Paddy Zim, Team 4. The Pickles, who went 4-43 in five seasons of adult baseball, have entered the BPMFL and their first pick is a running back. The team, which will play without shoulder pads or cleats for the first eight games of the 2012 season, per-league rules for expansion teams, also have running back K'E'Onshay McGready on the roster, but Zim has promised "a sea of guacamole if I'm not named the starting running back. I've got a guacamole hose."

16. Raul Delvecchio - John Candy, The Great Outdoors. Candy comes with some question marks, as he was recently spotted swallowing a baboon whole (The Portland Times, August 2012). Despite the cry of fans to draft human-turned-mule Lance Penders here, Candy was believe to be the safe choice and "the pillar of our organization for the next 4 months." Candy is expected to report to camp overweight.

End of second round.

Rainbow Eaten by Rabid Baboon

Oscar Rainbow, spotted yesterday running in the nude in San Juan, has been eaten by a rabid baboon. Facts are trickling in, and it is not known at the current time whether or not Dr. Rainbow survived the meal. One lucky sightseer was able to snap a photo of the event, seen below.

Rainbow (Possibly deceased)

The baboon was last seen scurrying into Derwood Forest - a dangerous, and some believe, haunted, place. Authorities were instructed not to pursue the baboon - a young attorney at law named Wayne - into the darkness. The current police strategy is to let Dr. Rainbow "fend for himself," and hope that he is digested and fecalated properly by Wayne Tolleson, a hero amongst baboons in Antarctica.

A funeral service will be held for Dr. Rainbow tomorrow evening at Rainbow and Rainbow Construction Inc. headquarters in Moscow. The public is welcome to attend.

- Staff Rainbow Man Stinky Phopp

**BREAKING** Rainbow Spotted in San Juan

Recently escaped lunatic and staff editor Oscar Rainbow was briefly spotted this morning in San Juan, according to Office Alfonce D'Qwegg of the San Juan Foot Odor Police. D'Qwegg was able to snatch a photo before Rainbow ran off screaming into the darkness.

Rainbow

After an initial investigation of potential witnesses, one Googo Tilapia came forward with an eyewitness account of the last few moments before Rainbow's disappearance:

"Dr. Rainbow was standing in the middle of the street with a confused look on his face. He started screaming 'I have a coolie?! All of these years and I didn't know that I had a damn coolie?! You'll pay for this! The United States of America will pay for this injustice, if its the last thing Oscar Rainbow does on this Earth! My coolie will not go unheard!"




Then, Dr. Rainbow ran off screaming, as reported by Office D'Qwegg.

Just another footnote in the saga of Dr. Oscar Rainbow, esteemed editor and World's Most Insane Human (WMIH).

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Rainbow, please contact the HJPD at HJPD@gmail.com.

- Staff Rainbow Man Stinky Phopp

New cast list announced

Jeff Van Gundy: The Musical is coming to a theater near Trevor. The final cast list has been announced:

The ghost of Oscar Rainbow as Jeff Van Gundy
Capolo Henderson as Stan Van Gundy/Evil Stan Gundy
Miles Derner Jr. as himself
Julio Merced as the singing celery of truth
Beverly Choo as Mrs. Martha Van Gundy
Donovan Fimply as Lil' Potato
Benjamin "Late Night" Sanchules as Dr. Horatio Gladstone
Xavier Fonchonski as pastrami helmet salesman Art Bly
Hong Fui-Shwui as President Earl Van Gundy
Stuart Fratkin as styrofoam eating contest judge Max Sanchules
Wodsley Crugg as the evil Professor Bupkis


In theaters July 7!

BREAKING: Rainbow Detained in Detroit

Oscar Rainbow, believed dead, has been located and detained in Detroit. Not many details are known at this time, but Detroit PD is charging Dr. Rainbow with "crude and gruesome acts towards a porcine being."

Rainbow (Jailed)


Rainbow, allowed a single phone call before being placed in 24 hour solitary confinement, released the following statement through his lawyer, Bernard Winkus:

"Peace to all hippos, the pig needed to pay."

All that remained of the pig were his entrails, leading officers to believe Rainbow consumed the animal after relieving it of its existence.

Stay tuned.

- Staff Pig Murder Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

Rainbow Feared Dead

Oscar Rainbow, longtime staff editor and maniac, has gone missing once again. This time, however, it is feared that Dr. Rainbow may have finally kicked the bucket.

Rainbow (In better times)


Once believed to be the future President of the United Union of Piglets (UUP), Rainbow slowly but surely lost his mind. One of the last actions he was seen performing at HQ was to mutilate a kiwi in front of J.J. Dreblobski's 4th floor corner cubicle.

Rainbow (Last Tuesday)




More to come on this breaking story. We here at the Jerk wish the best for the Rainbow family, but he may still have passed on to the next phase.

- Staff Rainbow Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

Complimentary Photo

Cast List for New Seppenitch Film Anounced

The cast for the upcoming Lyle Seppenitch film I Smelled Vanessa has been announced.


Sanderson Montaz as avocado millionaire Colt Bersh Jr.
Janet Wu as Vanessa Wodderson
Oscar Rainbow Jr. as the voice of the yodeling pancake
Gino Genovese as Capolo Henderson
Horace as himself
Lanette Massimino as Beth/Outlaw Beth
Zu-Kwan as DJ Celery
Franklin Bly as Coach Winfield
Olin Gerald as the burnt piece of toast that wouldn't give up despite overwhelming odds, including being burnt by a toaster and shunned by the society that introduced him to his wife, Butter, in 2004
Gheorge Muresan as Manute Bol


Film in theaters May, 2012!

Ballspeed: Hired

Richardson (Ricky) "Moondance" Ballspeed has been hired, according to Staff Moron Oscar Rainbow. Ballspeed is set to take on the role of Staff Ballspeed - chiefly responsible for recruiting or executing more Ballspeeds.

Moondance


Ballspeed, commonly mistaken for a coffee-pot with legs, has "had enough with the almond situation" around HQ, and will look to immediately recruit more Ballspeeds to deal with that and other "issues that need to be taken care of" around the office.

Ballspeed is famous for his cover photo on the Walnut Times (September, 1967), which he received for being voted the "Man of the Millennium - 1000 - 2000 A.D."

- Staff Walrus Fimby Fu

Jerk Makes Influential Hire

A new era has begun at the Jerk as a Staff Wayne Tolleson has finally been hired. Warren Lump, who on more than one occasion has been mistaken for a giant piece of chewed bubblegum with neckarms, was hired Sunday afternoon. Lump, who arrived from the planet Mushroom with "homicidal thoughts" (Zellichtown Register, 9/27/11) recently found "God", a graham cracker underneath Boris Wilson's living room couch, and has devoted his life to peace and understanding. And taco shell ear muffs.

Lump also ate a mouse in 1988, which single-handily helped Norway to gold in the Olympic games. He is reportedly at odds with several staff members, including Charles Frozengard and staff editor Oscar Rainbow.

Fempot Hired

Rhinoceros Fempot, cousin of Gary Fempot and Hector Fempot, son of Leo Fempot, grandson of Gary Fempot Sr. , brother of Gregory Fempot and uncle of Lil' Louie Fempot, has been hired as Staff Melvin.

Rhinoceros Fempot



Upon hearing of his hire, Rhinoceros defecated on Oscar Rainbow's doorstep and ran into the woods, screaming.

Please join us in welcoming Fempot to the staff.

- Staff Fempot Man Arnold Schwarzenegger

Marvin Piso Interview

The following is a transcript of editor Oscar Rainbow's interview with famed goldfish whisperer Marvin Piso.


marvin.piso: hello
rainbow: marvin, nice to hear from you. we were supposed to interview for this position on two other occasions, but instead, there were unfortunate incidents
marvin.piso: well, the first one was out of my control, you know that harry. the second one, yes, i should have worn underpants
rainbow: don't call me harry, and you should have, yes. but that's in the past. just a few minutes ago, sure, but still-in the past. let's start the interview
marvin.piso: fine, let's start the interview
rainbow: first, drop the attitude off at Attitudetown
marvin.piso: I don't know where that is
rainbow: it's over there. population: you and a guy named tony
marvin.piso: fine, can we begin please?
rainbow: we can. what is your work experience, glenn? is it ok if i call you glenn?
marvin.piso: no, it is certainly not ok. my name is marvin, and what position am i interviewing for?
rainbow: the only position we have available is Staff Avocado
marvin.piso: fine
rainbow: you're the ideal candidate
marvin.piso: ate an avocado in '88, threw it up
rainbow: ok, great, then what happened?
marvin.piso: nothing, move on quickly
rainbow: well, if you're going to take the staff avocado position, we're going to need you to be here bright and early every morning for hair and makeup
marvin.piso: hair and makeup?
rainbow: it's going to take a real commitment from you and your family. it's all in the introduction packet
marvin.piso: dont involve Gary Jr. in this discussion. and there was no packet
rainbow: there will be a packet. Gary Jr.? is that your son?
marvin.piso: he lives with me, yes
rainbow: ok, well this is awkward. we can't hire anyone with a relative named Gary. so either change his name or get rid of him
marvin.piso: he isn't a relative, he cleans my feet
rainbow: no relation? fine. we have a foot cleaner on staff, so, no problem there
marvin.piso: great. move on
rainbow: stop telling me to move on, that should be first on your list.
marvin piso: i don't have a list.
rainbow: make a list.
marvin piso: done.
rainbow: second on the list: take off my pants and put on your own pants
marvin piso: i'm sorry, i can't do that. do you have any education?
rainbow: 1991-2008 attended Stanford. was shot in the right shoulder with a bow and arrow, may, 2008. never heard from again
marvin.piso: great. any experience?
rainbow: experience with what? a bow and arrow?
marvin.piso: with being a staff avocado, this is an interview
rainbow: i understand that. i was staff avocado for influential blogs throughout the decade of the 1990s
marvin.piso: wait, you are supposed to be interviewing me, harry
rainbow: you know what, you may be on to something
marvin.piso: oh, I'm on to something alright
rainbow: well, should you be the staff avocado or should i?
marvin.piso: i'm not following
rainbow: the staff avocado position, should we avocado, asparagus, scissors for it? note: i always pick asparagus
marvin.piso: HARRY! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
rainbow: who is Harry? because it isn't me
marvin.piso: who are you?
rainbow: you've been calling me Harry for years and i'm tired of it
marvin.piso: i was told you were harry by a guy named harry
rainbow: i'm marvin piso, aren't i?
marvin.piso: no thats me
rainbow: ok, well i need to take a minute, check the inside of my undershirt
marvin.piso: go in the corner, Burt and take a deep breath
rainbow: i don't take deep breaths. that's illegal in my country
marvin.piso: what country would that be
rainbow: i'm not going to answer that question in this economy. let's continue with the interview please. any fast food experience?
marvin.piso: Subway. sandwich engineer from 1997-1997
rainbow: so, 1997? the word "engineer" isn't necessary, obviously. you made sandwiches
marvin.piso: SANDWICH ENGINEER
rainbow: back off capital letter avenue, and take a stroll down lower case lane
marvin.piso: ill disregard that last sentence. so, yes, in 1997 I worked there
rainbow: and you got fired i'm assuming? how did it happen?
marvin.piso: well, lets just say I had a no oswald policy and an oswald walked in
rainbow: i understand. well, marvin, you're not hired. i'm terribly sorry. please leave your galoshes and mayo hose at the front door and get at least 1,000 feet away from the headquarters building immediately
marvin.piso: i'm not at headquarters, i'm there.
rainbow: perfect, stay there.
marvin.piso: fine. i hope you understand that based on this interview we could never hire you.
rainbow: i accept your decision, now please, can you get down from my shoulders?

Cast List for New Film Announced

The cast for the upcoming film, Three Sunflower Seeds 'Till Broadway, has been announced.


Max Berzley as Father Joseph "Backstage" McCrary
Almond Butterfield as the dying buffalo
Vanessa L'Shon as Professor Donaldson/Biker Peggy
Mick Ruso as the singing dandelion
Stefan Silvestri-Christensen as avocado salesman Len Lersher
Zygitt-9 as the ghost of Cleveland Booby
Capolo Henderson as Cal Naughton Jr.
Oscar Rainbow III. as Wendell Fonchonski
Claude & Tatiana Dandridge as The Dandridges
Zizz-45 as the clapping pancake
Shin-Sei Cho as Daniel Laruso
Dottie Pepper as the curling iron that could

and introducing:

Barbara Piso-Rainbow as Heather the Bunny Whisperer