DDAC announces tour schedule, release of new album

Darren Durly Appreciation Society, "the most influential band since Hee-Hee Hoo-Hoo" (Capolo Times), has announced the release date for their new album as well as a Spring, 2013 tour schedule.

The band-P'Q'Weishon Bly (lead vocals and rhythm guitar), Ipp Cooper (electric baseball glove) and Pete Pig (corn on the cob)-will release their 11th studio album Skipping Out On (A Buffet Bill).

DDAC will embark on a 20-show tour beginning in late-February, 2013. A portion of the tour proceeds will benefit T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes).


2013 Tour Schedule

February 26 - Plastic Fork Culinary School
March 3 - Kennington Prison
March 4 - Rainbow Fairgrounds
March 7 - Fat Neck Glenn Memorial Amphitheater
March 9 - Misshapen Cracker Warehouse
March 10-11 - Mashed Potato Fest @ Ploop Fairgrounds
March 13 - Quinkley Asylum
March 15 - Hey Jerk Amphitheater
March 16 - Armadillo Fair @ Carpet Sample Park

2013 College Tour

April 1 - Crugg Hall (Crugg College)
April 4 - Shonsen Pepano Memorial Auditorium (Appaplondis University)
April 6 - Mud Pit 7 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 8 - The Worm Palace (Feathers College & Tackle Shop)
April 9 - Haboote Hall (Shershon University)
April 11 - Mud Pit 9 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 13 - Student Lounge East (Klauzenrodner University)

Regular tour concludes

April 17 - Otis Peakaboo Theater
April 18 - Ploop Fairgrounds
April 22 - Eddie Shermer Hall

* The April 22 tour finale will be played in Darren Durly's hometown of Earwax Valley. *

Yorbit On Roof

Troubling news from Jerk headquarters as staff member Emanuel Yorbit is on the roof and demanding to speak with an elephant.

It's not the first time the 33-year old has ascended to the roof. In 1988, he sat atop the Winkleman's roof for five days to promote awareness of chimneys, and while Christmas caroling in December, 2005, he ate part of the Paddock's roof to "win a bet with a squirrel." (Capolo Times, 12/19/05).

Staff editor Capolo Henderson released a statement from inside a hippopotamus' mouth:

"(Yorbit) owes me seven pecans. If he's not down by Saturday, I'm going to have to shoot him down. We can't have this kind of behavior, not during mailbox flag season."

After issuing the statement, Henderson was eaten by the hippopotamus and he was presumed delicious by several other hippopotamus in attendance.

Bison Postgame Notes

News and notes following the Hey Jerk Bison's opening night victory.


Hu Named Player of the Week

Bison fullback/coach John Hu was named the Tap Water Player of the Week after his performance in the come-from-behind win over the Browns. Hu, who averaged more than six yards per carry and scored seven touchdowns, dedicated the honor to his collection of napkins from various fast food restaurants, which now numbers in the low-100s.

"I told you several times I did not want to be interviewed," said Hu.


Quarterback Competition Opens Up

With Kurt Sherman's miserable performance and near-goldfish overdose following the Bison win, a quarterback competition has opened up in camp. According to Hu, who was named the team's coach during an unfortunate incident at halftime, Sherman will share practice reps with Michaela Ruso, a one-year old with gas who over the summer ran a 9.6 40-yard dash at the Handy Manny Combines.

Zyn Reportedly Traded to Indianapolis

Pat Zyn, who during the pre game contributed steak sandwich wind and a four-yard run on a draw in his living room, has reportedly been traded to the Indianapolis Colts. According to that guy over there, the Bison received half of a bag of grapes and a deflated football for Zyn, the 17th overall pick in the 1974 draft.

Incident of Violence Reported

Skipmond Ruso, who scored the Bison's first touchdown Wednesday on an 80-yard run that was called "the run heard 'round the area where the run took place", followed an unidentified Browns practice player into the parking lot and the two had a verbal disagreement that quickly turned to physical violence. According to an eye witness, Herman Wultz, Ruso began digging at the Browns player's face with a plastic spoon and shouting about engine coolant. Ruso was questioned by local police, but escaped into a nearby forest. His whereabouts are unknown, as is his available for the Bisons' practice Friday afternoon.

Winder-Barrow Ready For Week 2 Match Up

The Winder-Barrow High School (GA) Bulldoggs said they're ready for the Bison and have targeted Russo and flanker Will Harnish as their main targets of physical violence during next Wednesday's key division 7-B match up at Jerk Stadium. Winder-Barrow, which lost 83-6 to the St. Louis Rams' 1983 hall of fame class in a game played in a Walgreens parking lot, will be without head coach Ernie Porter, who has taken a leave of absence to raise a family of hamsters "the right way" (Capolo Times - November 15, 2011).