Three hired late Sunday

DES MOINES, Ia. - Three new hires were announced late Sunday as Billy, Billy's right ear, Gavin, and left ear, Olivia were all added as part of the closing ceremonies to Vince Fest.

The first three-time Vince Fest gold medalist, Vince Piccilo, threw out the ceremonial last pineapple at the ceremonies, then drank a bottle of Kiwi Splash shampoo to honor his fellow countryman, Billy. Billy was the most-recent two-time gold medalist from Antarctica.

"It's a great day to be a Billy. This hire was a long time coming," said Piccilo, who began chewing on his right wrist.

Billy, formerly a staff writer on the television show Capolo Henderson Today, will immediately begin work on the site's first-ever ice cream cone commuter bridge. Gavin's responsibilities include listening for the door bell (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays), while Olivia has to first pass an earwax physical before becoming the first left ear in staff history.

"Truly honored to be here," Olivia said to Tim Yokum's right ear, Joe.

Olivia and Joe have been dating for the past two years and are planning to wed in late-August, pending approval by Joe's father, Henry Carson's left knee cap.

"Durly!"

- first edition, Derner Times, June 12, 2019


BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.

The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.

"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.

Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.

Budward Skoonch Located (UPDATE: DEAD)

Budward "Buddy" Skoonch, missing since the urinal door fire of '97, has been located at a small diner known for their "fish and chips" just outside of Jerkville, Utah.

Unfortunately for all involved, Skoonch didn't make it through.

Skoonch

"The first officer on scene was Officer D. Morris. As soon as he noticed Skoonch laying under that tractor-trailer, he knew he had been Steven'd by a group of local drug addicted Stevens. Unfortunately, its become all too common around these parts." - onlooker Jerry Fudge

After being Steven'd, Skoonch was run over by a tractor-trailer and almost completely eaten by the rabid, cannibal Stevens.

Skoonch's remains (left hand) will be on display for the next 12 months in the 31st floor womens' restroom.

- Staff Correspondent DeeDee DooDooDee

Durly the clown added to team

Current clown roster
[Season begins July 1]

Feathers the clown - 2B
Durly the clown - RF

clown (apricot) - SS
Stan Boomf the clown - 1B
Clown! - CF
Meredith Brownlee the clown - LF
Puddles the clown - 3B
clown (seedless grape) - C
Jerome Paulsen the clown - INF
Didier the clown - OF
clown (oak tree) - SP
that clown over there - SP
Dr. Crugg the clown - SP
the round clown of rebound - SP
retired clown Henry Gibbs the clown - RP
Oscar Rainbow the clown (1987-2019) - RP

Farley Flumf - HIRED

Farley Flumf, longtime idiot over at that stupid blog Id Like To Change Some Classes, has been hired. Flumf will take over as Staff Moron, replacing long-time moron Bobby Feathers.

Flumf

Those with "inside" knowledge of the hire believe that Flumf will be dead within an hour.

Stay tuned for more episodes of "Who's Flumf?" every hour on the hour here at Hey Jerk TV.

- Staff Moron Bobby Feathers

New staff announced

Several new staff members were added Sunday morning, including staff vice president Kiki Leech,

who arrived by wheat bread boat just a few hours ago.

Also hired:

Emissions: bacon bits trucks
Jenna Plunk

Couch - 44th floor lounge
Dimes/nickels: Gladys Marbury

Hair, etc: Warren Wayshore

Pointing at rain drops (summer), snow (winter)
Gwen Crugg

Earlobe
Wei Sui-Bing

Human-to-blueberry transition
Timothy Ash

Envelope-related paper cuts/sealing envelopes
Horace Stanton Jr.

New president named

In somewhat stunning news, and despite his ongoing penguin abduction trial, Harold "Harry" Vulk was named new staff president late Monday.

Vulk, a former linebacker for the semi-professional Clarkston Enchiladas, was found with more than 20 penguins - a class C felony in the great state of Iowa - last weekend. The trial, dubbed "Vulk v penguin appreciation society", continues at Crugg County Courthouse this week.

Vulk's brother, Marcel, issued a statement on behalf of the Vulk family, the Torkelson family and former Family Feud contestant Edith Granch:

"Harry never hurt a penguin, except for possibly the penguins he is charged with hurting, namely Benny the penguin, who is missing one of his feet. We'll fight this, Benny and I, until Harry is brought to justice, or the Highway 20 Burger King (Shadeed)."

Several former pigeon colleagues have come to Vulk's defense, including Paul the Pigeon, who would never hurt a penguin.

"That's not entirely true," said Paul.


- Staff correspondent T.R. Jogg

Rare photo of Aldo Puckett discovered