Photo updates now available

A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.

In this photo

* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away

Still unknown

* [mule]

Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance

In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).

Winfreed

BIO

Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone














Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).

Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!

- Staff Hippo Herman Bump

UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):

Winfreed has been eaten.

Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.

Blog invaded

The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.

There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment. Several of the creatures will eventually be cooked in a deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).

Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):

- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)

"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist

"He's Here."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist

Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)



"He's Here!"

Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.

- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris

Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis

We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.

Eis (Deceased)

Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."

Services for Eis will be as follows:

11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.

Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com

Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.

- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson

Family basketball game turns ugly

Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.

This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".

The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.

Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.

The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.

Orsh Zolloway: HIRED

Hey Jerk Productions and Watermelons is proud to announce the hire of former Theo Buxley, Orsh Zolloway.

Orsh

Zolloway Bio

Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia











Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Fubb: no longer.

The Fubb family (F.F.) lost one of its finest (F) on Friday (glenn) when Wendell Fubb (W.F.g.) ingested more than five soccer balls and passed on to Fubb Land (486).

"A person can swallow three soccer balls and still survive, but four, and especially five, is fatal," shed a someone.

Fubb is survived by a drawing of his goldfish, Marty.



Here's Fubb in late-2014 after receiving the Donald Dimoggio Award for Toothpaste Hoarding

Wow!



Fubb Facts

* Played defensive back for the Jacksonville State University football team (2001-2004)

- Had team-high six interceptions as a sophomore. Suspended for last two games for violating team rules (parking lot ham fights)

* Played 'Mr. Giles' in the 1989 play Death Of A Salesman's Chevy


Famous quotes

[Selected by Ms. Jasper's 4th grade class at Durly Elementary School]


After pleading "not guilty" to intent to distribute (lettuce)

"Please, leave my family of salt packets alone. We've suffered enough."

To young Billy Boddingsley in the 2006 film Get On Out Of Here

"Good bye and good luck on your midterms"

2015 Gas Draft

No. 1 overall pick - San Antonio, Marc R.
2. Cleveland - Kurt A.
3. Werner Valley - Jarvis Galloway Jr.
4. Pluto - Steven C.
5. The Worm Store - Linda Wadsworth
6. Ottawa (from 5th Street K-Mart) - Don Mattingly
7. down the street by the yellow building - Vince Otto
8. Mule City - Dan Devito
9. San Diego - Penelope
10. Travon'Tavious Corners - Morris the Cat

TRADE

San Diego sends Penelope to Travon'Tavious Corners for Morris the Cat & 7 peaches

11. Newark airport Security - Patricia Paulsen

DEATH

Newark airport Security pick Patricia Paulsen eaten by mule. No re-pick granted.

12. Fred's Pit-Sweat Shop - Stinky O'Mallory
13. Dublin, GA - Ulysses Crugg
14. Heritage High School - Aaron Crugg

"Back to back Cruggs? I like the decision." - Henrieta Feathers

15. I don't know, over there somewhere - William Gwybish
16. William Gwybish - William Gwybish
17. Myrtle Beach B team - Xavier & Connie Schmidt ("The Schmidts")

UPDATE

Myrtle Beach B team disbanded

18. Hey Jerk Bison - Chip Settle
19. folding chair - night security guard
20. New York - pass
21. Terrytown - Beatrice Vance
22. Unknown
23. 8th Street Produce Stand - Mitch Mokk
24. Terrytown - Ivan Glow
25. Cooper's Bar & Grill - Sebastian Nezpiece Jr. 

**BREAKING**

The New York Yankees STINK!


Herman (HJ Modeling)

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Flanellette mail surfaces

The Jerk has obtained a letter sent from Skungus Flanellette

to Bobby Thomp-kins during the red (ear) scare of the 1950s. Here is the full letter:

Orr & Fluto (sp.?),

Do you think that new "regime" (9) Claude Julien will be kept for Bruins?

I really love all your works with Globe since I enter this country (Hector Williamson - 1977-2015).

Fandom,

Adolf

Flanellette - 96% grapefruit - worked under the British/Columbus, Ohio doctor Narscor Devadeel and discovered a cure for "scratchy formhead" in 1997 that is still in use by semi-bro Dennis teams all over the.

Stay in tune (cuminseed) for firmer updates (jogglie).

List of guys named Vance

[Updated 4/29, 11:40 PM]

Vance Ellington
Vance Po
Vance Salazar
Vance The Vance
Vance Rey (farmer's market wheat bread sample)
Vancent Sherpshire (the plum)
Vance Beltran Jr.
(Vance)
guitar tuner Vance Wainwright
Vance!
Vance Nayahama-Schmidt
V.a.n.c.e. (west coast)
Vance Salamiface
Va'Vance
Vance Mitchell (empty soda bottle)
Come on, Vance!
Van Suh

Guydoor hired

The latest reports from the East headquarters building in Dwayne Valley confirm the hiring of Zane Guydoor, 37 (salamander years).

Guydoor, who will be joined on staff by his 7th grade math teacher, Arnie Puckett, last swallowed a pile of leaves in 2007 (source).

The Jerk has also announced the winners of the 1st annual Xavier Merton Look-Alike Contest:

1st place - egg shell
2nd place - Byron Blue & frog (Roy)
3rd place - photograph of sidewalk puddle 5
4th place - Edinson Mejia
5th place - [prize vacated due to water bottle cap overdose]

Seth Munch photo found

Lou Bogoly - Located

Louis "Lou" Bogoly - AKA "The Foot" - has been located in Eastern China.

Bogoly

(Also Pictured - Lil' Hoho Bogoly (deceased))

Please do not attempt to confront Dr. Bogoly - he is considered armed, dangerous, and flatulent.

More to come.

- Staff idiot Murton Shouse

Qwerr gets brief mention

Herman Qwerr, 47, pointing at a seagull (March 29, 2015).

Staff photo by Emmit Hurley

Shouse family list released

The Shouses has released their full list of family members. Thank you to the Furly Group for providing us with the information and the remains of Dwan'Carlo Beefman for our Wednesday luncheon.

Shouse

Murton Shouse
Ker Kwee Shouse
Merton W. Shouse
Frank Shouse (staple remover)
Valerie Shouse & camel
Yolanda "Shay Shay" Shouse
Quinton Shouse

A Shouse
Little Bobby Shouse
(Sneeze sound) Shouse
Horace & Beverly & Otto Shouse IV
Percy Shouse (cottage cheese)
Nermin Shouse
Benito Santiago-Shouse
Shouse!
peanut (Shouse)
Mitten Shouse
Kellog Shouse & raisin
Caroline The Shouse

Schlomo Sha: HIRED

Schlomo Sha has been "onboarded" and given the role of Staff Underwear Sniffer.

Sha (Deceased)

Sha Bio

Name: Schlomobosho Sha Jr.
DOB: 1/1/1908
Sex: no
Gender: no
Height: pickle
Weight: 14 grams
Partner: Leo Sha (1908-1980); Pong-Wo Sha (1977-1997); Boris Sha (1997-2011); Unknown (2011-2012); ______ Sha (2012 - Present)
Notes: Avid potato chip collector. Season ticket holder for the Milwaukee Bucks. Ate Kareem Abdul Jabbar whole (1977). Jumped from a Delta airliner, passed away, 2003

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Sha to the staff. He will assume the cubicle on the 54th floor formerly held by Brevin Ploop (ostrich).

- Staff mushroom Schlomo Sha

The Beefman Children

The following is a list of the 11 Beefman children.

[Source: J.J. Noppapopalis Sr.]


Reginald Beefman III (deceased, liverwurst on rye)
Horatio Beefman (deceased, pointing accident)
Moosh Beefman (tomato)
Dobby-Do Beefman (president - Beefman Industries, Necklenburg branch)
Daniella Beefman-Hurly (assistant manager - Paulsen Pickles & Horsefly Farm)
Vinny Babooch-the-Beefman (deceased, pencil overdose)
Raquel Beefman (the ghost of Clem Pock)
Reginald Beefman II (deceased, other half of liverwurst on rye)
Wei Chun-Ho Beefman Jr. (last seen: May, 1976 aboard a mechanical spaceship "headed for the planet Jorge" - Nunce Valley Times)
Betty Beefman (cup of grapefruit juice)
Dunston Beefman (whereabouts unknown)

**Breaking** Hu Escapes

Former Staff President John Hu, of the Idaho Hu Crime Family, has escaped from HJP.

Hu (On The Run)

No details are available at this time.

Do not attempt to approach Dr. Hu, as he is believed to be armed with multiple deadly weapons and a Koala, Herman (rumored).

- Staff Assistant Moron Pebal Fockwithe

New office opens in Bangor

The Jerk has announced the opening of a new editorial office in Bangor, Maine, staff raisin illustrator Bobby B. Queh confirmed Tuesday afternoon.

Bangor, Maine staff

Uu'Vonduwitz Shockapok - potato
Dissizzint Ah'Reelnahym - staff Fimply re-creator
Iggy Boff Jr. - assistant finger snapper
Shom Wheatley, Maude M'Lomm - soup noodles 1 and 2
Pebal Fockwithe - assistant staff moron
The Charles - wrestling coordinator
Beau Fimmons - former staff toenail
Patty Paulsen - ZeeKor 7 relations
Chip Seffle - can of garbanzo beans
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - himself
Chia Pet Smith - staff television
Edford Wolowitz - iguana relations
Faruq Bateen - dandelion
Orno Fongy - staff Staff
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia
Reggie Beefman - weapons expert
Stefan Kristensen - Staff Koala
Eeb Gozzowillow - pencil

Vacant positions

* Staff mailbox
* Barber
* Wrinkle
* Wall
* Small forward
* Red colored pencil

 [To apply: email oscarrainbow@gmail.com]

Nominees announced for MacIntosh Award

The nominees for the 2015 Chubbs MacIntosh Award for excellence maintaining a bologna hair piece were announced Sunday afternoon. 2013 winner Ho-Ho Chung and Carl Poo, winner in 2008 and 2010, are the favorites. Shockingly, five-time winner Dwayne Durly was not nominated.

Nominees (% chance of winning, provided by Dominic DomDmoggio)

Ho-Ho Chung (39%)
Carl "Clem" Poo (32%)
JayShawn (11%)
Donald Voppo (8%)
Pezalea Gobfried (6%)
Anderson Phui (4%)
Hubie Selig (0%)


UPDATE
Ho-Ho Chung passes (4:20 pm DST)

"The Derrs are here"

"The above quote was taken from the Derr family bible, page 17, paragraph 4, words five-through-eight."

- Sutton T. Sako (mustard 7)

It's a truly-historic day at Edinson TohBackula Stadium as Futto Derr brings his family of nearly 3,700 to "the states" to institute the first-ever Derr/Pigeon Olympics. Durr, 44 in rye bread years, is hoping to have the first Olympics take place before Roscoe Crugg's 67th birthday (November 8th).

Derr (pronounced 'N'Qwan'), who has sneezed out of each of his 4 1/2 noses since this story broke, is said to have ordered 3,680 Derrs to arrive for work duty by the first of May.

The only Derrs who won't be able to attend: Antonio Derr (passed by way of lettuce attack); MeKyle Derr and his goldfish, Ronnie (previous engagements); Janice Derr (left us, rest in garbanzo beans); Yee-Sop Cho Derr (made-up person) and Patty Derr (new center for the Colorado Avalanche).

BIAA Founded

The Beefman Institute for the Assassination of Aardvarks (BIAA) has been founded by Reggie "The Rectal Thermometer" Beefman.

Beefman (Deceased)

"We wanted to really spread our knowledge, which we've gained through centuries of experience, to the masses. It just wasn't fair to this Earth to keep this information to ourself any longer."

- Reggie Beefman Jr., Co-Founder

Applications for entry can be sent to President Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com.

- Staff Mongoloid Oscar Rainbow

Pong hired

Hop-hee-Ju Pong has been hired as staff spaghetti, sources close to the investigation learned Tuesday afternoon.

Pong played for 11 seasons in the NBA, first for the Dallas Mavericks as a backup point guard/salamander, then for the final three seasons of his career was the center on the New York "Knickerbockers", famously swallowing whole Boston guard Dee Brown during a late-March game at "Boston Garden".

Pong then became a ham sandwich for the entirety of the 2000s, but he's recently moved in the direction of pastas and rices, according to his biographer Otis Lazlo.

"He's recently moved in the direction of pastas and rices," Lazlo's biographer, Art Corey, said to Lazlo of Pong. "And if you'll excuse me, I'll be the one to mow that ceiling fan, thank you very much."

Corey then boarded a spaceship and [zoomed] off into outer space to "cover the Moon vs. Jupiter state quarterfinals" (London Times, May, 1968).

Other Tuesday hirings include a guy hiding underneath that desk in room 125, Tripp Sandoval (staff towel rack) and the Dansbury Twins as Corey & Pierre Plouse.

Capolo names: the week that was

Capolo Henderson name list

Began: 2/10/15 at 1:37 p.m. EST
Ended:  2/17/15 at 1:37 p.m. EST

Benjamin Biggles
Gregory Fitzlemmon
Oswald Shitte
Otto Von Poopie
Phil Myers
Bert Fashermann
Otis Quigley
Wally Fump
Revaro Thumbnickel
No Name
George Jetson
Bob DaBynga
Didier Bellafunkus
Barney Bellafunkus
Alfredo Scalliopininni
Pip Bellafunkus
Walmo Feng
Yo-hoho Rackomoth
Tochinko Sanchez
Fonecahl O’Hare
Ho-ho Hasheeney
Mervin A’Ploof
Icabod Bellafunkus
Coolie O’Francis
Rearend Duchesne
Clive “The Jive” Cloiheh
Patrick Ewing
Horatio Gammons
Strooble Fonchonski
Aurelio Pock
Aguy Wunce

Pro-Hu Deboer Placed in Dungeon

President Hu Overthrown; Pock Era Begins

Staff President and international aardvark trader John Hu has been removed from office by force and sentenced to 97 years in Hey Jerk Penitentiary by incoming dictator Aurelio Pock.

"He committed crimes against the people, against the city, and murdered 'Lil Timmy Quimm."

- A representative for Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock, name unknown

Hu (Incarcerated)

Staff Dictator Aurelio Pock

Upon his capture, Hu vowed revenge on what he referred to as "The Evil Pock Conglomerate (EPC)."

No details could be obtained as to why he referred to the Pock's as evil before Hu was beaten over the head with a dead mule carcass and dragged to cell block D to begin his lengthy stay at HJP.

News from "inside sources" indicates that Pock has set up camp on the 49th floor of The Fonchonski Building, and has delegated the 97th floor, once famous for its beautiful spectator views over Rainbow Mountain, as "the death chamber."

More details to come.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Rudolph Scalapini, Family Patriarch, Eaten

The most famous, and original, Scalapini family member - Rudolph - has been eaten, according to Herman the Cheetah, a local cheetah.

Scalapini (DEAD)

Rudolph Alexander George-Julio Franzberta Scalapini Jr. came to this country in 1903, attempting to flee the Petunia Wars in his home country of Japan. After arriving "at the docks," Scalapini wasted no time in forming the Scalapini Crime Syndicate (SCS), and went on to become the most notorious gangster in modern American history.

Scalapini was best recognized for his amazing ability to eat more than 7 pounds of linguini in a single sitting, and the murder and dismembering of Harry Ossining.

Services will be held at Feathers Auditorium, this Friday evening at 9 PST. Tuna fish required upon entry.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Trending Now: o7 Comeback Tour

The famous band o7, once famously killed in a tragic blimp accident, are back.

o7

[L to R: Chung Fonway (lead vocals), Bip Bipperd (lead guitar, back up vocals), Nermin (whistle)]

"We're done with music-" stated Lead Vocalist and new Presidential Candidate Chung Fonway - "We have moved into the political arena, and will be running as a group for President of the United States."

"No Comment." - Bip Bipperd

"I'll be running for Vice President." - Nermin

Look for frequent updates on the o7 candidacy.

They're back!

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Note: the scheduled tour for 2015-2017 has been cancelled.

**BREAKING** - Bellafunkus Members Missing/Deceased

Oslo, Norway - Breaking news this morning has revealed the death of Little Corbett Bellafunkus, and the disappearance of Ainsworth-Apple Bellafunkus. The incidents are not believed to be related.

Bellafunkus

Didier Bellafunkus, band spokesperson and mule captain, released the following statement:

" While Bellafunkus always aimed to please the masses and provide wholesome, family type music for all to enjoy - we also despised Little Corbett and decided to kill him. As far as Ainsworth-Apple - no one cares."

Local Oslo police have been apprised of the situation, and all inquiries or tips should be directed at Oslo Police Commissioner Nabozz Scalapini at nscallops47@gmail.com.

- Staff Idiot Oscar Rainbow

Bellafunkus reunites for worldwide tour

After not putting together an album or touring for more than seven years, Bellafunkus has reunited and announced a spring, 2015 world tour.

The brother trio, which won several Durlys in the 1990s (Best Old Album, Song We Wish Wasn't On This Soundtrack and Lifetime of Cheese & Mints, among others), will also be releasing a new full-length album, due out in late-2015.

Didier
Vocals, lead spaghetti guitar, rhythm pushing/shoving/shouting

Little Corbett
Bass made of potato skins/centipede tears, lead pushing/shoving

Ainsworth-Apple
Staplers, lead shouting


2015 Tour

May 5 - Jobeek Alomar Fairgounds
May 10 - Crugg-Ossining College
May 19 - over there by those rain puddles
June 4 - Kerwin College
June 9 - Murton Shouse Amphitheater
June 20 - Yorlap Bar & Grill & Worm Trade Post
June 28 - near Darren's house somewhere
July 4 - Eddie Aquayo Memorial Amphitheater (opening for Jay'Shawn)
July 17 - Cronin Playhouse
July 20 - The Rigatoni Palace


- Correspondent Izzy Durly contributed to this story

Top Ten Yankee's "Gas Distributors" of All Time

Culprit, followed by name given to their gas (after each occurrence):

1) George Herman Ruth - "Molly"
2) Jason Giambi - "Yan"
3) Cecil Fielder - "Lil' Cecil"
4) CC Sabathia - "88 MPH Fastball"
5) Joba Chamberlain - "Skidmark"
6) Thurman Munson - "Claire"
7) Wade Boggs - "Captain Wetness"
8) Joseph Torre - "Frank"
9) James Leyritz - "Pickley"
10) Don Mattingly - "El Presidente"

Petunia perishes, parade planned (P.P.P.P.)

Perry "William" Petunia passed away Wednesday morning of salad complications and resisting croutons, according to a restaurant menu with knowledge of the situation.

Petunia, a former defensive lineman for Oklahoma State and the leading activist for G.U.M.S! (Get Out From Under My Sink!), was dining at Cruggs on 19th Street in downtown Shouse when a dolphin swam over and swallowed him whole.

"It's how he always wanted to go," said the dolphin, 9.

A parade/carnival has been planned to celebrate the death/life of Petunia. The festivities will begin in May, 2017, 9:00 p.m. - ?.

**BREAKING** Rico Yetz Offed

Riconovitch Yetz Sr., referred to a "The Blimp" by those close to him and those he has murdered, was found assassinated today under a tree in Xomcheese Grove.

Yetz (DEAD)

Initial findings indicate involvement by the Fwimpley Crime Family (FCF), as their trademark move, the "nose removal," was present. Dr. Yetz's remains had been released from the grasp of their murderous nose, Steve.

"Intial indication leads us to believe this is a textbook Fwimpley assassination. My bet is Treesack's prints are all over this crime scene." - Federal Investigator Warren Fu

Riconovitch Yetz Sr., or "Rico," was beloved by many for his lack of a torso and/or a forehead. He had made friends "on many planets," and was once referred to by President Lincoln as "hero of the earth."

The services for Mr. Yetz will be held in Herman Boomf's basement next Tuesday evening at 7 PM EST.

- Staff Idiot Roberto Feathers

The Yetz & Fwimpley families: full lists

The Yetz family

Rico Yetz Sr.

Hobbo Yetz
N'Quan Yetz
Faceknuckle Yetz
Grampa Earl Yetz
Ho-ho-he Yetz
Sandra-Ben Yetz
Cloy Yetz Jr. and his sandwich, Iris
The Yetz
Wee-Bom Yetz III
Kurf Asshirmin-Yetz
Mirk Riso-Yetz
Carl "The Pope" Yetz
Ibbis Yetz
Orlando Magic Yetz IV
Mikey!
John Johnson

The Fwimpley family

Peter Fwimpley

Freddy Fwimpley
Trevvy-Trev Fwimpley
Forest Fwimpley III
Wanda Fwimpley
Treesack Fwimpley
Ed
Yetz Fwimpley
Fern Fwimpley-Callagher
Kosh Salmanzinzar
Undies Fwimpley
Chickensausage Fwimpley
Xylophone Fwimpley
Darnell Fwimpley
"Fwimpley"
Janet Fwimpley
Moi-Shee-Hwan Fwimpley
Egg Fwimpley
Erm Fwimpley-Ossining
Paper Cut Fwimpley ("The Nose")


- Source: Edinson Crugg Archives

Ainsworth '15

Ayshin Ainsworth, longtime Werner "supporter", has decided to "take the case" and represent "Wally Werner" in his upcoming kidnapping/off-Broadway debut.

The Ainsworth and Werner families go all the way back to the mid-2000s when N'Harvey & Claire-Poe Ainsworth founded the Werner Foundation, which was then dedicated to bringing Werners and Werner-related mashed potato sculptures to the United States inside the tube socks of Vince Vinachenzio.

The foundation was "re-branded" as C.C.A.R.P. (Corn on the Cob Association for Retired Persons) in March, 2013, and since has reunited over 25 sunflower seed shells with their sunflower seeds.

Ainsworth's lawyer, Vanderells Kwon, released a statement:

"This is the statement that we have released," said Kwon.

Wally Werner: Located

Initial reports coming out of Hong Kong have enthusiasts hopeful that Wally Werner, once famous aardvark enthusiast, has at long last been located after decades of despair.

WARNING: PHOTO CONTAINS GRAPHIC IMAGES


Photo (Click for Larger View)

The photo, taken by innocent bystander Saul Fotto, is believed to show Werner navigating the treacherous streets of Cleveland, Ohio. Lead investigator Don Didier believes this to be the conclusive evidence he has been seeking since the Werner Explosions of 1906.

"We believe this proves that Walter Egnacio Werner is, in fact, alive and well - despite reports to the contrary. An APB has been released for the capture and kill of Mr. Werner, effective yesterday at 6 PM EST."

In other, somewhat shocking news, an alien aircraft appears to have crashed on the west side of Cleveland. Further developments will be shared as they become available.

- Staff Idiot Bobby Derwood

2015 Oscar Rainbow "Yankee Milestones" Revealed

As per the rule book, Oscar Rainbow has released his 2015 Yearly Yankee Milestones. In accordance with tradition, we will separate the milestones into a "Positive" and "Negative" category. Let's begin!

"Positive"

Yankees break 90 wins - Rainbow performs the "Nude Truffle Shuffle" at Rainbow Amphitheater

Yankees break 95 wins - Rainbow takes his shotgun "out of storage," assassinates his Mule, Maurice, as sacrifice

Yankees break 100 wins - Rainbow runs for, and is elected, President of the United States

Yankees break 110 wins - Rainbow flies to Cuba, jumps out of plane nude, perishes upon landing

Steven Drew hits over .250 - Rainbow bombs Egypt

"Negative" 

Yankees lose 80 games - Rainbow runs screaming into a brick wall, falls into coma for just north of a week

Yankees lose 90 games - Rainbow attempts to hang himself, only to fail and be found 4 weeks later hungry and covered in his own fecal

Yankees lose 100 games - Rainbow covers himself in "C4" explosives, takes out Phillips Arena

Yankees lose 110 games - Rainbow boards Xomcheese Space Ship Q9, flies to the moon, takes his own life

Staff Correspondent Warren Fu

Sixteen team field announced

Capolo Henderson Region

1 "Call him Warren Boog and Feed him the Apples!"
8 "Off to the Donkey Pigeons They Go!"


4 "Nothing North of Minimal"
5 "Destination: Rear End Station"


3 "Kid's got bricks in his pants like after a Mexican dinner!"
6 "Treehouse, Ho!"


2 "Chinese Chuckles, Take That to the Airport!"
7 "Trevor here, Peter there"


Darren Durly Region

1 "Fruitwrap on a milk pie, baby!"
8 "South of Southchester"


4 "Ernie Februarys"
5 "Step aside, I'll pour the chocolate sprinkles on this parking meter"


3 "Nothing but blue sky and warm croissants"
6 "I'll butter my own helmet, thank you very much"


2 "Place your bets, sea otters"
7 "Point me to the nearest Wayne!"

Maglio passes; Lump committe formed

A true hero in every sense of the word (in) passed away earlier today. Joseeph "Joey" Maglioso died of pen cap overdose in his home in the Northwest corner of the basement inside Hanley Clemente's home.

Maglioso, who went by "Joe Maglio" for years while traveling with the Wentworth Family Circus & Ripped Notebook Paper Sympathizers, was beloved by millions and perhaps even hundreds. Maglio, 61.7 at the time of his departure, left four drawings of roast beef sandwiches on graph paper.

Lump committee formed

The Committee That Knows What Happened to Warren Lump (R.W.C.) has formed in response to Maglioso's death. The committee will now meet each Thursday to discuss Warren Lump-related matters, including:

1. Where is Warren Lump?
2. Lump's best friend, raisin
3. The Lumps tribute song - Baked Maglio
4. Warren Lump Pastries LLC

The committee:

Chairman: Fofo Foffawitz
CEO: Fofo Foffawitz-Calhoun Jr.
Secretary: Eddie Pock Sr.
VP: Yasmine Pennypoo
Associate VP: Perry Woddles
Banana Curator: Paul Wiggums
Notes: Igloo Sherman
Catering: Darren Durly
IT Support: Guido Castellana
Private Investigations: Lyle Zump

Chief of Urinal Fire Incidents: O-ho Oh

- Dominic Domdimmoggio contributed to this story

The Hurley family

Full Hurley family registry

D'Darren Hurley (human)
Qweeshon Hurley (telephoneboothman)
Humberto Hurley (87% human, 13% mule ear)
Horatio Hurley Jr. (human)
Hemmish Hurley (living room couch)
Dwayne Hurley (72% salamander, 9% Stan Van Gundy, 19% xylophone)
Hal Hurley (sidewalk chalk)
Beverly Hurley (56% human, 44% parking meter)
Gwen Hurley-Messersmith (Darrendurly)
Xavier Hurley (possum)
Henry Hurley (human)
Janice Hurley (66% swordfish, 27% buffalo foot, 7% desk chair)
Kyle Hurley (taco shell)
Harvey Hurley (human)
Herman Hurley (octopus illustration)
Ulysses Hurley (patio furniture)
Horace Hurley (32% ghost of Kevin Curly, 68% candlewax)
Veronica Hurley (human)
Lyle Hurley (97% copy machine, 3% coffee beans)
Hank Hurley (fire ant)

"Comments", by Ed Xomcheese