Queh Dead

Staff Elbow Hired

Wonson O'Schmallfoot has been hired on as new Staff Elbow. O'Schmallfoot's responsibilities will include assassinating any Roundheads that come within 10 square miles of blog HQ.

"Im honored." said Schmallfoot.

O'Schmallfoot


Please join us in welcoming Wonson to our family.

- Staff Wonson Man Ed Xomcheese

Vernon Found Dead, Jed Hired

Staff Horse Vernon, famous for his overthrowing of former staff horse Donkey Face Nelson, has been found dead. Early reports point to assassination.

"I killed him." said Pal Fimply, Staff Assassin.

Vernon (Dead)


In his place, the staff here at The Jerk would like to introduce Jed Nelson, new Staff Donkey.

"My father is Donkey Face," said Jed upon hearing of his hiring, "and he'll be back!"

Jed Nelson


Please join us in offering Jed our congratulations.

- Staff Donkey Man Ed Xomcheese

Braybush, living on Crugg-Fonchonski's Nose, Dead

The version of Emmitt Braybush that was extremely small and living on Buck Crugg-Fonchonski's nose has perished. While the immediate cause of death is unknown, it is thought to have involved "boogers."


- Staff Xomcheese Ed Xoncheese

Crugg-Fonchonski's Nose Grows

Buck Crugg-Fonchonski, staff soft-boiled egg, has a larger nose, according to an ear with knowledge of the situation.



Crugg-Fonchonski's nose is expected to compete for the coveted Staff Schnozz position, which recently opened up after the firing of Nostril Randolph.


- Crugg-Fonchonski correspondent Nenny Nerflin

Brooble Grows Wings

Pepano Deaths Rocks Headquarters

Sal and Al Pepano have been offed by Pal Fimply, who returned from the dead to take over from the deceased Pepanos as Staff Assassin, according to Pal Fimply.

"There's a new avocado in town," said Fimply.


Fimply





Al and Sal Pepano (1883-2010)


Fimply also released a chilling statement through his goldfish, Ron:

"I'll off every Pepano that swims in my mustard pool. The Fimplys are the new name in assassinations at Hey Jerk."

Rainbow Goes Rogue, Seen Fleeing in Pickles Uniform

Staff Editor Oscar Rainbow, known for his terrible fecal deposits and insane ramblings and murders, has gone rogue. He was last seen in his former "Atlanta Pickles" adult baseball uniform, sitting in the bleachers at a local elementary school at 3 AM. Mr. Rainbows career Pickle stat line is as follows:

5 Seasons
160 At Bats
4 Hits
3 Caught Stealing
2 Pick Offs of Fat Guys leading off of First
0 Innings Pitched, 5 Pitches thrown, One hit batsmen, one nearly murdered Pickle First Baseman
Career .053 Batting Average

Rainbow


In response, The Jerk has decided to embrace Rainbow in his time of insanity, and have given Rainbow a dual role as Staff Editor and Staff Insane Baseball Player. Please offer your congratulations to Mr. Rainbow on his newest endeavor.

- Staff Correspondent/Baseball Man Ed Xomcheese

Bill Queh Sr. Hired

Hey Jerk has hired Bill Queh Sr. to supervise his son, Bill Jr., a recently-appointed staff dance instructor.

In an unorthodox move, Queh Sr. has hired Sal and Al Pepano as his personal assassins.

"In case I need to get rid of anyone, especially my son, who has a problem with stealing hot dogs," Queh Sr. said through his interpreter, coconut.


- Correspondent Mindy Roundhead

Two Die in Explosion

Murray, who was running for Staff Somebody against Emmit Braybush in a winner-take-all election, died in an explosion, late Friday evening.

Rocco Frompley also died.

According to staff dentist, Devito, neither will be missed.

Bill Queh Back, Hired as Staff Dance Instructor

In a shocking move, Bill Queh has risen from the dead and been hired at The Jerk as Staff Dance Instructor.

"I learned some things while I was away," said Queh through his Queh Interpreter, Rocco Frompley (also hired), "and I want to share my wealth of knowledge with my fellow Jerk peers."

Bill Queh



Rocco Frompley



Frompley promised to interpret Queh in an honorable fashion.

"I promise." said Frompley.

- Staff Queh Man Ed Xomcheese

Ernie49 Memorial T-Shirts Available

$15 each
c.compelio@gmal.com to order

Help us Re-Name the Site

Vote on poll at top right of front page and help us give Hey Jerk, Get off my Lawn a new name

Your choices:

1. Stay with "Fonchonskiland!"
2. "Celery Baker"
3. "Ernie Venable Memoirs"
4. "Sanchules Illustrated"
5. "Wombat Franklin"
6. "Excuse me, idiot, would you mind leaving my front lawn in a timely manner?"

Barry Ossining Hired as Staff Barry

New Staff Czar/Qwumbian Ernie49 Slain; Rule of Fonchonski Begins

After about 3 hours of uneventful reign, Ernie49 - recently appointed Qwumbian ruler - has been assassinated. This marks the second Qwumbian to be killed at the blog in as many days, sparking rumors that Zerbakians are on "their way up" around here.

Ernie49

In an unprecedented move, Brooble Fonchonski - son of Staff Chef Mrooble Fonchonski - has agreed in principle to take over as Staff Luminary.

Brooble Fonchonski

"Zerbakians paid good money to have Ernie removed," said Fonchonski through his newly hired Staff Fonchonski Interpreter, Mrooble Fonchonski, "and now its time for some changes.

In his first official move as Staff Luminary, Brooble has enforced his rule by changing the official name of the blog to "Fonchonskiland."

More to come as interplanetary war approaches.

- Staff Alien Man Ed Xomcheese

Murray Enters Race Against Braybush

Murray, former hobo weapon supplier, has put his "name in the hat" against Emmit Braybush. Both are running for Staff Mascot - a highly sought after position that has been held by Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn for over 14 years.

"Neither of them have the gusto to unseat me." said Glenn.

Murray



Braybush, while not surprised by Murray's entry into the race, was skeptical of any challenge. "Murray's a loser. Always has been."

Murray had no response, but did poo in his cubicle outside Jerk HQ.

- Staff Correspondent Ed Xomcheese

Tuftberry Crushed Into Ground Beef; Ernie49 New Czar

BREAKING NEWS

Staff Czar Clifton Tuftberry has been chopped up and cooked on a medium-temperature stove into ground beef, according to a salt shaker with knowledge of the situation. Tuftberry was czar for nine days and instituted several ground-breaking programs, including Everyone Rush Over to Barry and Chew on his Fingers and No-Poo Tuesdays.


Tuftberry

With Tuftberry's passing, Hey Jerk acted quickly, naming Qwumbian Ernie49 new staff czar. The former taco will start immediately.

Braybush Billboard Kicks Off Campaign

Braybush Hired

Emmit Braybush has been hired as Staff Pincher, effective May, 2013, according to an onion familiar with the situation. Braybush previously worked at an air store, selling wind sandwiches to imaginary coyotes.

His wife, chandelier, had no comment.



Braybush, 1983

Financials Updated, Rainbow Gets Raise

Click Image for Larger View.

INTERPLANETARY WAR BEGINS

Recently hired Zerbakian, Cunkhull, has been placed under arrest and thrown in the Hey Jerk slammer without trial.

Cunkhull



Chlembhat 16, Qwumbian and former Staff Computer Technician, was found slain this morning in his hole outside Jerk headquarters.

Chlehbhat 16


While motive is not yet known, it is believed that the general hatred between Qwumbans and Zerbakians was the cause of the slaying. Cunkhull is not speaking on the matter, but did have this to say:

"Look at the qwumbian. His legs formed a H."

Look for no investigation to ensue, but instead, an interplanetary war to begin.

- Staff Alien Man Ed Xomcheese

Mort Glenn Found with Chili Bowl Head

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Believed to be dead months ago, Mort Glenn instead reappeared at Hey Jerk headquarters with a chili bowl head. It is Glenn's second head in a 37-year life, but the first that didn't include any common facial features.

"I do have bean-eyes and a spoon mustache," Glenn said through an interpreter. "I think everything is going to be OK."


- Staff correspondent Vingo Vance

New Zerbakian Hired at HQ

Cunkull, nephew of Wungstin from the planet Zerbak, has been hired as Hey Jerk's head of security. Though Cunkull will not be paid for his services, the sqwug9-year old will get to sleep in the 3rd floor dishwasher until it can find a suitable place to stay.


Other hirings

- Zink Gafreda, Staff Gafreda
- Evander Glenn, Raisins

Cotillion Found Alive

Staff Hippo Man, Squib Cotillion, rumored to be one of the staff members killed in the massacre at headquarters, Tuesday morning, was found with just a minor head cold and a half-eaten salami sandwich.

Cotillion will continue to monitor the blog's hippo population and is urging any hungry staff member to come by his office and have a bite of his sandwich.

"It's just a really, really good sandwich," said Cotillion. "$15 per bite, though."

New Alien Race Appears at Blog; Interplanetary War Probable

Wungstin, from the planet Zerbak, is officially the first Zerbakian hire here at The Jerk, brought on to be the Staff Nose Picker. Responsibilities will include not only picking his own nose (whereabouts of his nose unknown), but being available to pick staff members noses whenever needed. Eating of said pickings is at the discretion of the nose holder.

"I'll pick, I'll eat, I'll dispose - whatever is needed." said Wungstin.

Wungstin



Reaction at The Jerk has been mixed, but not on the part of Chlembhat 16, resident Staff Alien and Computer Technician.

"Qwumbans and Zerbakians hate each other. One of is going to die, and soon."

Look for a possible galactic war to ensue. Stay tuned.

- Staff Correspondent/Walrus Man Ed Xomcheese

Not Pictured - Teddy Pinecone and Shensen Queh

Xavier Needs Oil Change

Shocking news from the Hey Jerk garage as staff car, Xavier is "badly in need of an oil change", according to a windshield wiper with knowledge of the situation.

Stay with the Jerk for continuing coverage.


- Staff oil change correspondent Zoff Zinvirgine

Discovery of Plombshire Crugg Caps Day of Crugg Findings

Zachary Crugg Found

UPDATE - 4/15/10, 10:41 p.m.

Zach Crugg Found Dead



Cause of death: earthworm overdose

Vernon Crugg Found

Staff Czar Tuftberry Forms Staff Jail

In the first of what is to be many moves by new Staff Czar Clifton Tuftberry, a Staff Jail has been formed. Any staff members, civilians, or otherwise, will be held in the jail while their cases are in the court systems, or if convicted of a crime. To this end, a new Staff Judge will be appointed within 24 hours.

Staff Jail



In addition, Staff Czar announced his first arrest, Staff Button Enthusiast Wendell Didier. Didier is suspected of committing the recent mass homicide here at The Jerk, but Tuftberry is keeping it under tight wraps for now. "Didier killed them all" he said.

Wendell Didier (Under Arrest)



More news to come as Didier is held at the Staff Jail until the trial begins.

- Staff Correspondent Shensen Queh

Sanchules Hired

Brenstin Sanchules has been hired as staff trap door lookout, according to a walrus familiar with the situation.

Sanchules is the younger brother of recently-deceased former staff gorilla, Ernger, and cousin of former staff doctor Adonde Sanchules.

New Tuftberry T-Shirts Available

$40
c.compelio@gmail.com to order

New Staff Czar Hired, Replaces Rainbow After 3 Day Reign

Oscar Rainbows 3 day reign as Staff Emperor is over. To the delight of many of our readers, Rainbow has decided to take an alternate career path where his insanity can better be managed by the proper people.

Clifton Tuftberry, previously ruler of www.getyourasstomars.com, has agreed in principle to sign on at The Jerk as new Staff Czar.

"Thing's are going to change around here," stated Tuftberry through his lawyer, C. Vanderells Bwon, "And most are going to have to do with slayings and hirings."

Clifton Tuftberry



In the meantime, Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn could be heard from the crowd yelling "We want Crugg! We want Crugg!"

Analysis of what Glenn was getting at is yet to be performed, but look for a Crugg reappearance in the coming hours.

- Staff Correspondent Walter Craggchuck

Massacre at Headquarters

Sad news as six staff members and a passing vagrant were assassinated in front of the Hey Jerk headquarters building, late Monday.

The following perished and were denied burial/funeral under the state's No Avocado Law:

* Staff dentist, Jerry Jerry
* Cereal man, Varook Didier
* Staff correspondent, Larry
* Staff gorilla, Ernger Sanchules
* Assistant hobo, Erk Verner
* Hippo man, Squib Cotillion


No word yet on how the six were killed, though an investigation is expected to begin sometime before the Qwumbian New Year (May, 2015).


Non-employee killed: Gary Bannister

Rainbow Returns to Old Position

Oscar P. Rainbow was relieved of his duties as staff Prime Minister and will return to his role as staff editor, Hey Jerk announced Monday.

Rainbow also relieved himself of a beef burrito, which had been consumed and festered inside the 38-year old's stomach since April 9.

Paul Paulfield Jr. Hired

Paul Paulfield Jr., the son of recently-slained Paul Paulfield, has been hired to take over for his late-father as staff Paul Paulfield.

Paulfield Jr. will retain squirrel, Derrick, but let the can of anchovies leave via-free agency.

Several cans of tomato paste will be interviewed to fill the cabinet position.


- Staff correspondent Nat Murphy

Glenn Eaten

Abner Glenn was eaten by a lawnmower and perished for the third time in 2010.

Glenn was expected to lead a family revival, but he wandered onto the front lawn of Murray Klonsin, and died along with several blades of grass, a fire ant hill and an empty bottle of Citricrud soda.

No funeral has been planned, though Glenn's body is expected to be loudly disposed of in the Hey Jerk garbage disposal, early Monday.

The disposal, 4, had no comment.

Paulfield Slain

After 4 1/2 minutes on staff, Paul Paulfied has been murdered.

"I did it." said Al Pepano.

Reason for slaying is unknown, but believed to be related to the fact that Paulfield was actually Frankenstein.

Paulfield (Dead)

Staff Paul Paulfield Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of a new staff Paul Paulfield, Paul Paulfield.

All Paul Paulfield-related matters will be controlled by Mr. Paulfield and his staff-a squirrel named Derrick and a can of anchovies.

BREAKING: Rainbow's Back

Oscar Q. Rainbow is back. After being laid off two days ago, Rainbow showed up at HQ this morning and assassinated Staff Tyrant Ned Flumpton. 4 seconds after, the commonly insane Rainbow appointed himself "Staff Prime Minister."

Look for a rule full of assassinations and insane ramblings. Us here at The Jerk certainly can't wait to see what sort of idiotic changes the man makes.

Oscar Rainbow, Staff Prime Minister

BREAKING: Rainbow Laid Off, Didier Hired

In breaking news, tough financial times have forced The Jerk to lay off one time editor Oscar Rainbow, pictured below.

Rainbow

In the meantime, Wendell Didier, brother of Varook Didier, has accepted the position of Staff Editor in place of Rainbow.

More details to come.

- Staff Correspondent Ed Xomcheese

Abner Glenn, Vanderells Bwon Combine to Assassinate Maldonado, Cronkley and Byrd

In shocking news, formerly dead staff members C. Vanderells Bwon and Abner Glenn have made a comeback. Believing that the current Staff Lawyers were incompetent, Glenn and Bwon formed an alliance to come back from the grave, assassinate the three, and take over all Law relations for the blog. The blogs response:

"Glad to have you."


Abner Glenn (Back)


C. Vanderells Bwon (Back)


This is believed to be the first of what will become many reanimations of former staff members. Stay tuned exclusively to The Jerk for upcoming resurrections.

- Hey Jerk Correspondent Ed Xomcheese



R.I.P.