Special event

Miles Derner autographed ketchup packet auction

October 30 from 7:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Fonchonski Apartment Complex & Applesauce Pits

Clintman Eaten

Sad news this evening as early reports indicate former Staff Clint Clint Clintman has been eaten by a stapler. Clintman made national headlines in the early-1990s when he successfully lobbied to have all of the wheat bread removed from his hometown of Farber, WJ, and was brought to the Jerk to change the clint culture.

It is believed that editor Capolo ordered the 8th floor blue stapler to eat Clintman after a statement by Capolo was leaked to local television station WHEY-7:

"I've had enough of Clint Clintman. He stole my asparagus."

Funeral services were scheduled for Friday, but were quickly canceled due to lack of ketchup.