First round selections with analysis by Capolo Henderson (odd-numbered picks) and Darren Durly (even-numbered picks).
1. Ottawa - Otto Xomcheese, Texas A&M Walrus Mining Institute. Xomcheese is the clear favorite and is taken number one overall by the Fighting Foreskins. Xomcheese clocked in at 6.72 seconds in the warmup bobsled competition. Famously ate an entire puma at age 2 1/2.
2. New Jersey - Rico Yetz Jr., Blum Valley Community College (Oggsbo). Yetz Jr. is hoping to follow in the salamandersteps of his father Rico "Pinch Out" Yetz and become a Derner League All Star as a rookie. He'll join a roster already packed with veteran necktie eating contest competitors. Married a half-mile of pavement on the side of the Neck Glenn Memorial Highway (March, 2012).
3. Ottawa - Dan Devito, Devito Daily Inquirer. Devito falls all the way
to number 3 due to Intent to Pelt with Walnuts (ITPW) fears amongst
squads. His talent is undeniable, as he most recently competed in the
Durly Games in Oslo, Norway and placed 31st in a 56 man field. Devito is
commonly referred to as "The Cucumber Felon" and was elected 65th
President of the United States of America in 1988 before later
succumbing to an extreme bout of food poisoning and perishing at the
young age of 27.
4. Edmonton (from San Anchulioh) - Carlo Cline, NACL Idelby Spartans. Cline shot an 82 and an 84 in the Southwest Regional guacamole scoop and toss in February, and won achievement awards in 2009, 2010 and 2013 for Most Hair Eaten off of Ronnie McClendon's Head during MHermh's annual luncheons.
5. Prarie Falls HS - Patricio Zin, Coolie Middle. Zin was an assassin for the Sanchules regime in Russia in the late 50's and early 80's. In his free time, he enjoys walks in tuna fish basins and mule hibernation research. Expected to compete for playing time at small forward.
Some media reaction after Prarie Falls' selection:
"Winner, qwimmer, David (Schwimmer)!"
- Munson Lyle, Dwaynedurley Report
"That's why they're always IN THE RUNNING."
- Jo he jo Pong, Eyelid Magazine
6. Idaho (from Lawrenceburg) - Tripp Tripples, Durly College of Microbiology. Tripples is the first Qwen-shore 9 native to be selected in a bobcat draft since Nick N'Pickles in '77. Spent 11 days in 1988 as Elijah Wimple.
And now this from our sponsors:
7. Ottawa (from Uruguay) - Patt Sinn, Ed Franklin High School for Yetis. Sinn pooped his pants in 1877.
8. Unified Team 21-Under - Booboo Biagi, Stanford. Biagi is a fourth-generation paint can pincher and should fit right in at the 6 on a young and exiting Unified Team. Was declared 41% canned beef from 2002-2007, and that number rose to 47% in September, 2010.
9. London - Pick Forfeited, Cleveland State. Pick was a world renowned pizza thrower until he blew out his left shoulder in the World Pizza Games in '96. Since then has refocused his efforts on Bobcatting and has become one of the worlds best at the spry age of 118. Forfeited worked at the influential blog site hasanyoneseenmyshoes.blogspot.com for a short time in the late 90's before being eradicated due to "failure to flush."
10. Asia - Kim, no college. Won the Sanchules Belt in 2013 before nearly overdosing on wall sealant during the post-fight celebration. Presided over the first grass clump wedding in June, 1979 and once impersonated a turkey hoagie at a sandwich shop for a store-record 18 minutes 39 seconds.
Draft Glossary
NACL - North American Carlo League
Showing posts with label Drafts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drafts. Show all posts
April 22, 2014
March 4, 2013
Live Mule Draft - 1st round
The first round of the Hey Jerk Mule Draft took place Monday evening at Aubrey Sanchules Memorial Gymnasium.
First round analysis by Bobby Feathers - odd-numbered picks, and Capolo Henderson - even-numbered picks.
1 - Portland. Tiny Torkelson, Paulfield Technical Institute. Torkelson impressed scouts with his grass-eating (53 blades/minute) and by being able to hold his breath under mustard for a combine-record 17 minutes, 23 seconds.
2 - Ottawa. Phil Devito, LSU. Devito is a shocking pick here considering he graded out as a late 7th round pick at the combine. Likely trade bait for a team choosing in near future. Devito did once eat a raccoon whole while campaigning for mayor of Australia.
3 - Huntsberry. Illeeoh Olladiaye, no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Zuss Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1989-2008 and only recently had a mule operation. Had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips in January.
4 - Staten Island. Boonsauce Wecky, Chinese Academy of Murder, Hong Kong. Staten Island goes "international" with their first round pick, plucking highly regarded Wecky out of China - literally. He was assaulted, gagged, and placed in a white van bound for America. No further updates.
5 - Sork Valley. P’Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Factory. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.
** DRAFT UPDATE **
No. 1 pick Tiny Torkelson has been traded from Portland to Herman Valley for a grocery bag of deceased fire ants.
Herman Valley general manager Twon Pepano: "With Torkelson on the roster we immediately become a contender for the 2013 Pencil Case, and I also just swallowed whole a pocket-size dictionary to win a $7 bet. It's a great day for the franchise."
6 - Horace. Bo-Bon Biffley, Northside Hospital. The Horaces make history by choosing an unborn fetus, as Margaret Biffley is due in mid-May. Nothing is known of upcoming son Bo-Bon, but it is believed that his father is a mule-man.
7 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Instead, BC selects Lemmick, who on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.
8 - Ottawa - Dan Devito, Actor. Ottawa makes their second awe-inspiring pick of the day, choosing famous actor Danny Devito with the 8th pick in the draft (acquired in the Howard Fimply trade with Russia - October 1998). Devito is believed to be seeking a ham sandwich signing bonus in addition to new "skidmark-free" underwear.
9 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. While at college Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise (May 18, 2010).
10 - Kroger Food Industries - Stockton Poop, Poop Modeling School of the Arts. Poop is famous for having eaten 5 other mules simultaneously while singing the Canadian national anthem (August, 2003).
11 - Tallahassee. Ollie Moo-Zhwang, College of Liverwurst. Scout: “Carries enough pickle juice in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game goldfish eating, will he be able to shake off the ’11 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”
12 - Milwaukee. Melmo Mockamock, Hot Dog University. Hippo who originally decided to become an accountant but after years of debits and credits got into the Mule racket. Projected 4th line muler.
13 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in June, 1987 propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PGCO, Oberman spent a school-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.
14 - Antarctica. Darren Durly, Cleveland Hobo University. Draft stock slipped to late first round for one time "sure thing" No. 1 pick, as his diarrhea issues became a concern after the Detroit defecation incident 4 months "prior."
15 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second mule taken from Queh College, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).
** DRAFT UPDATE **
According to multiple reports, No. 9 overall pick Ewing Zeeble was eaten by an elephant. Jasper County, who drafted Zeeble out of Vweetley University, will be compensated with two, eight-ounce cups of sand, as per the league's draft rules.
16 - San Antonio. Phil Devito, LSU (deceased). Since being picked an hour earlier at number 2 by the Ottawa Rattlers, Phil Devito had developed a needle drug habit and was found deceased at his stable in South Dakota. San Antonio, having recently lost their deceased team member Reginald Frompley, jumped on the opportunity to draft Devito and believe he can be a solid dead-line member for years to come.
First round analysis by Bobby Feathers - odd-numbered picks, and Capolo Henderson - even-numbered picks.
1 - Portland. Tiny Torkelson, Paulfield Technical Institute. Torkelson impressed scouts with his grass-eating (53 blades/minute) and by being able to hold his breath under mustard for a combine-record 17 minutes, 23 seconds.
2 - Ottawa. Phil Devito, LSU. Devito is a shocking pick here considering he graded out as a late 7th round pick at the combine. Likely trade bait for a team choosing in near future. Devito did once eat a raccoon whole while campaigning for mayor of Australia.
3 - Huntsberry. Illeeoh Olladiaye, no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Zuss Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1989-2008 and only recently had a mule operation. Had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips in January.
4 - Staten Island. Boonsauce Wecky, Chinese Academy of Murder, Hong Kong. Staten Island goes "international" with their first round pick, plucking highly regarded Wecky out of China - literally. He was assaulted, gagged, and placed in a white van bound for America. No further updates.
5 - Sork Valley. P’Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Factory. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.
** DRAFT UPDATE **
No. 1 pick Tiny Torkelson has been traded from Portland to Herman Valley for a grocery bag of deceased fire ants.
Herman Valley general manager Twon Pepano: "With Torkelson on the roster we immediately become a contender for the 2013 Pencil Case, and I also just swallowed whole a pocket-size dictionary to win a $7 bet. It's a great day for the franchise."
6 - Horace. Bo-Bon Biffley, Northside Hospital. The Horaces make history by choosing an unborn fetus, as Margaret Biffley is due in mid-May. Nothing is known of upcoming son Bo-Bon, but it is believed that his father is a mule-man.
7 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Instead, BC selects Lemmick, who on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.
8 - Ottawa - Dan Devito, Actor. Ottawa makes their second awe-inspiring pick of the day, choosing famous actor Danny Devito with the 8th pick in the draft (acquired in the Howard Fimply trade with Russia - October 1998). Devito is believed to be seeking a ham sandwich signing bonus in addition to new "skidmark-free" underwear.
9 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. While at college Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise (May 18, 2010).
10 - Kroger Food Industries - Stockton Poop, Poop Modeling School of the Arts. Poop is famous for having eaten 5 other mules simultaneously while singing the Canadian national anthem (August, 2003).
11 - Tallahassee. Ollie Moo-Zhwang, College of Liverwurst. Scout: “Carries enough pickle juice in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game goldfish eating, will he be able to shake off the ’11 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”
12 - Milwaukee. Melmo Mockamock, Hot Dog University. Hippo who originally decided to become an accountant but after years of debits and credits got into the Mule racket. Projected 4th line muler.
13 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in June, 1987 propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PGCO, Oberman spent a school-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.
14 - Antarctica. Darren Durly, Cleveland Hobo University. Draft stock slipped to late first round for one time "sure thing" No. 1 pick, as his diarrhea issues became a concern after the Detroit defecation incident 4 months "prior."
15 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second mule taken from Queh College, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).
** DRAFT UPDATE **
According to multiple reports, No. 9 overall pick Ewing Zeeble was eaten by an elephant. Jasper County, who drafted Zeeble out of Vweetley University, will be compensated with two, eight-ounce cups of sand, as per the league's draft rules.
16 - San Antonio. Phil Devito, LSU (deceased). Since being picked an hour earlier at number 2 by the Ottawa Rattlers, Phil Devito had developed a needle drug habit and was found deceased at his stable in South Dakota. San Antonio, having recently lost their deceased team member Reginald Frompley, jumped on the opportunity to draft Devito and believe he can be a solid dead-line member for years to come.
June 12, 2012
2nd round of football draft today
The second round of the BPMFL Draft is coming to you live from Henry Bly's apartment in downtown Klugg.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
Analysis from Oscar Rainbow (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
9. Charlotte Experience - Juju James, Boston College. James hopped an 11.7 in the one-legged race at the combines in May, and owns seventeen fish. East coast scout Boris Bainbridge on James' future as a pro: "Before training camp he's going to have to get rid of one of those ears. I've never seen a guy with more than two make it in this league."
10. Northern Alabama Sasquatch - Davey Johnson, Washington Nationals. Johnson has over 420 years experience in professional sports, and projects as a legitimate 9 year starter at TE. Once located a rabbit (Henry) living in his left ear.
Update - Henry has been killed.
11. West End - Horace Littinger, Louis Technical Institute. West End takes a chance with the No. 3 pick of the second round as Littinger tested positive for performance-enhancing caterpillar during his senior season. After Louis Tech clinched the Carpet Sample Book with a win over rival Dontavius Prep November, 2010, a drunk Littinger married a postage stamp, but the couple later divorced after a heated argument over an envelope.
12. Fanny City - Lawrence Bird, Indiana Institution of Pacerage. Bird was once believe to be a top of the first round talent, but fell due to the recent discovery that his father was an ostrich. No half ostrich, half human player has ever made it in "the league," so Bird will have to prove that he can be an every-larry back for the Fannies. Fanny City will most likely get Bird signed at a bargain bin price, due to failure to report with bottom of face intact.
No. 12 pick update: Bird traded to British Columbia for Ernie DelBeggio and a box of old lettuce.
13. Orderdale - Hahingesh Hooheh, no college. Hooheh arrived from the country of Vibbshane Monday having played organized football for just two years. In his final year of youth football in Vibbshane, Hooheh wrestled a mule and won with a late-third period take down. Once ate a desk chair to win a bet.
14. China - Theodore Pinecone, deceased. The Chinese, hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle," go with controversial pick Ted Pinecone at 14. Pinecone passed in the Gorilla Wars of the 1970's, but is still believed to be a potential 3-down pash rusher at "the next level." Pinecone's remains are being excavated and will be shipped immediately to Hong Kong.
15. The Pickles - Paddy Zim, Team 4. The Pickles, who went 4-43 in five seasons of adult baseball, have entered the BPMFL and their first pick is a running back. The team, which will play without shoulder pads or cleats for the first eight games of the 2012 season, per-league rules for expansion teams, also have running back K'E'Onshay McGready on the roster, but Zim has promised "a sea of guacamole if I'm not named the starting running back. I've got a guacamole hose."
16. Raul Delvecchio - John Candy, The Great Outdoors. Candy comes with some question marks, as he was recently spotted swallowing a baboon whole (The Portland Times, August 2012). Despite the cry of fans to draft human-turned-mule Lance Penders here, Candy was believe to be the safe choice and "the pillar of our organization for the next 4 months." Candy is expected to report to camp overweight.
End of second round.
June 11, 2012
Live football draft today
The BPMFL (Bog Piso Memorial Football League) will begin its inaugural season in 2012. The league held its first-ever draft this afternoon. Here's a pick-by-pick analysis from staff editors Ernie Ploop (odd-numbered picks) and Capolo Henderson (even).
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
First round
1. Anderson County Vipers -E'Roc Torkelson, Feathers College & Worm Store. Torkelson, a WR/DB, impressed at the BPMFL combines in May, running a 15.7 in the coleslaw pool relays and having pinpoint control in the pine cone toss. Father, Dale played for the Missouri Battlers of the MWDL.
2. Portland Feet - Daniel Devito, Larry and Barry School of the Donkey. Devito, a widely known hippo enthusiast, is a surprise pick at two. Signability issues are a risk here, but the reward can be substantial for Portland, who hasn't had a 7-tool larry like Devito since Mitt Rockovitch in the late 70's.
3. Horace Valley - Paco Bagel, UCLA. Bagel makes history as the first half-balloon, half-man to be taken in the first round. Once ate 11 ash trays to win a bar bet.
4. Aardvark - Henry Foo, Chattahoochee HS. Aardvark takes the first HS player chosen, Henry Foo. Foo is widely regarded as having a "can't miss" arm, but does offer a challenge for any squadron that chooses him in that he has a "making" problem. Foo will offer immediate competition at the QB spot with incumbent Kirk Ashirmin, who has one leg.
5. Toronto - Ike Oole, San Panetro State. Was MVP of the Bunson League in 1988 as a running back and played Merle in the play Pastrami! from 1990-1992. Ate a Oole family record 14 fire ants (August, 1995). Agent is Oscar Rainbow.
6. Cleveland Capolos - Eeh Twah, Twah Tech. Oldest draftee at 66, Twah decided to opt for a career change after 40+ years in the Ostrich business. Sports a 16.4 second 40 and 7 toes on his left foot.
7. Cleveland Browns - Terrance Bodderson, House of Jesus. Bodderson is the second quarterback taken in the draft, and may be the most polished, literally. A woman named Selma has been polishing Bodderson since the late-1980s. At college, Bodderson successfully converted a salamander into a hippo.
8. Team 4 Softball - "Big Ern" Freddy Ploop. Ploop, the self proclaimed "worst nightmare," is nicknamed "The Ploopinator," and with good reason. Once killed a giraffe during a 1952 pick up game outside Yankee Stadium. Only player taken thus far to have previously played professionally, as a tuba player in Pakistan.
End of first round
July 6, 2011
2011 Gas Draft Round 1
(Commentary by Oscar Rainbow and Capolo)
1. Atlanta Doody - Queng-Pu Dong - Korea University of Gas and Flatulence. Dong had long been considered a low first round pick, but his recent 17 second rumble that shot a burst of flame out of his rectum (Billy Cheshire, 12 yrs old, DEAD), pushed him to the top of the board.
2. Pittsburgh Wind - Ross Oberman - Steinklaus Tech. Oberman's gas was recently categorized as "melting squirrel", which impressed scouts during the Oklahoma City Combine in May. Rumored to be entering the 2011 Poo Draft, Oberman instead devoted his career to gas, a switch he wrote about in his autobiography "Kiss Me, I'm Gaseous".
3. Philadelphia Sharts - D. Devito - Aschermann School of Fire. Devito was thought to have been a lock for the top pick in this years draft, but had a leak at the Detroit combine during a standard blow-and-go exercise. Clean up took over 4 hours and delayed combine progress.
4. Garrison County Vipers - Ernest Sheckles - Russo University. Won the Farties in 2003, 2005 and 2008. Scout Mitchell Wentworth: "Sheckles isn't afraid of friendly fire, something that's rare in a teenager. He'll be a great fit for any team looking to build a foundation of young, aggressive wind blowers."
5. Ottawa Plungers (via San Fran) - Plumpy Foo - N/A. Foo becomes the youngest gasser drafted in history at the ripe age of 4. At 3 years 8 months, farted the Star Spangled Banner. At 3 years, 11 Months killed Fred Binkley (neighbor) with lock-in gas passing.
6. Hendersonville Jaspers - Nickafont Brazlin - Toronto School of Proper Wind. Brazlin is a risky pick as he has already signed with an overseas traveling wind orchestra "Sharting Isaiah". Once farted on an elephant, reversing the course of history and removing the word 'chili' from all local dictionaries.
7. Cleveland Cornshit - Court Anksherman - Harvard University. Anksherman, formerly known as Da'Quongelo, proved his worth at the 1996 Yugoslav Air Re-Direction Games, where he pole vaulted a fart 23 feet, shattering the former record.
8. Detroit Weasels (via Montreal) - Harold Jensen - Poopy State. Jensen set a record in 1996, letting a fart go for 17 consecutive seconds, which injured a field mouse and single-handily ended the War of Many Harolds. Career tinkle-poo ratio: 11:6
9. Montreal Mongoose - Urine Feces - Sydney Alligator and Walrus and Hippopatamus School of the Yellow. Feces made his debut only 2 weeks ago at the Syndey Stinkers AAA matchup by running onto the field and igniting a hot air balloon with his gas, flying away and not seen since. Mongoose take the risk that Feces will arise and dominate the Gas industry.
10. Hartford Ducks - Mickey Ruso - George's Technical Institute. Ruso was expected to be one of the top two picks in the draft, but fell to the end of the first round after his infamous No Wipe video surfaced on the internet. International farting champion for six consecutive seasons and 2008 winner at the World Series of Wind. Killed three raccoons with a December, 2010 fart, still a Lempken County record (Lempken County Historical Society, page 38).
11. Hartford Ducks (from New Zealand) - Stains Anderson - University of the Earth. Anderson was expeected to be chosen no earlier than the 14th round, but shot up the charts, literally, when he sprayed diarrhea on the draft board performing a Roanoke Rocket for a tryout for Tampa earlier this month.
12. Heet Valley Broncos - Brown Venters - Appaplondis University. A gamble pick for Heet Valley as Venters is a known no-pants participant, which is a violation of National Farting League rules. If he can learn to put on his dungarees, and lose the fake British accent, he could take the Broncos to the playoffs for the first time since the Piso Administration. Fart motto: "My wind cures potato famine."
13. Conyers Flatulators - Kong-Li Shermania - Shermania University. Shermania, seventh in a long line of professional Shermania farters, brings his patented "Kong-Pow" to the ring for Conyers, a squad desperately in need of a front-line passer after the defection of Shitbrains Smythe to Hong Kong in the offseason.
14. St. Louis Brown (via Qwekitch) - Padrick Zin - Opple Tech. Zin farted the theme song to the hit show Only the 37 of Us, which won him three pieces of toast. Played left field for Team 4 in 2010 and his fart while lying down in the outfield killed a record 42 blades of grass.
15. Las Vegas Coolie - Forfeit Pick. Las Vegas enacts clause 14.1b and acts upon their right to forfeit their pick in exchange for assassination of previous pick. Padrick Zin is forcibly removed from Draft HQ and farted to death in the Pass-assination Room by the "Odor Panel," 14 passers who serve this function exclusively.
1. Atlanta Doody - Queng-Pu Dong - Korea University of Gas and Flatulence. Dong had long been considered a low first round pick, but his recent 17 second rumble that shot a burst of flame out of his rectum (Billy Cheshire, 12 yrs old, DEAD), pushed him to the top of the board.
2. Pittsburgh Wind - Ross Oberman - Steinklaus Tech. Oberman's gas was recently categorized as "melting squirrel", which impressed scouts during the Oklahoma City Combine in May. Rumored to be entering the 2011 Poo Draft, Oberman instead devoted his career to gas, a switch he wrote about in his autobiography "Kiss Me, I'm Gaseous".
3. Philadelphia Sharts - D. Devito - Aschermann School of Fire. Devito was thought to have been a lock for the top pick in this years draft, but had a leak at the Detroit combine during a standard blow-and-go exercise. Clean up took over 4 hours and delayed combine progress.
4. Garrison County Vipers - Ernest Sheckles - Russo University. Won the Farties in 2003, 2005 and 2008. Scout Mitchell Wentworth: "Sheckles isn't afraid of friendly fire, something that's rare in a teenager. He'll be a great fit for any team looking to build a foundation of young, aggressive wind blowers."
5. Ottawa Plungers (via San Fran) - Plumpy Foo - N/A. Foo becomes the youngest gasser drafted in history at the ripe age of 4. At 3 years 8 months, farted the Star Spangled Banner. At 3 years, 11 Months killed Fred Binkley (neighbor) with lock-in gas passing.
6. Hendersonville Jaspers - Nickafont Brazlin - Toronto School of Proper Wind. Brazlin is a risky pick as he has already signed with an overseas traveling wind orchestra "Sharting Isaiah". Once farted on an elephant, reversing the course of history and removing the word 'chili' from all local dictionaries.
7. Cleveland Cornshit - Court Anksherman - Harvard University. Anksherman, formerly known as Da'Quongelo, proved his worth at the 1996 Yugoslav Air Re-Direction Games, where he pole vaulted a fart 23 feet, shattering the former record.
8. Detroit Weasels (via Montreal) - Harold Jensen - Poopy State. Jensen set a record in 1996, letting a fart go for 17 consecutive seconds, which injured a field mouse and single-handily ended the War of Many Harolds. Career tinkle-poo ratio: 11:6
9. Montreal Mongoose - Urine Feces - Sydney Alligator and Walrus and Hippopatamus School of the Yellow. Feces made his debut only 2 weeks ago at the Syndey Stinkers AAA matchup by running onto the field and igniting a hot air balloon with his gas, flying away and not seen since. Mongoose take the risk that Feces will arise and dominate the Gas industry.
10. Hartford Ducks - Mickey Ruso - George's Technical Institute. Ruso was expected to be one of the top two picks in the draft, but fell to the end of the first round after his infamous No Wipe video surfaced on the internet. International farting champion for six consecutive seasons and 2008 winner at the World Series of Wind. Killed three raccoons with a December, 2010 fart, still a Lempken County record (Lempken County Historical Society, page 38).
11. Hartford Ducks (from New Zealand) - Stains Anderson - University of the Earth. Anderson was expeected to be chosen no earlier than the 14th round, but shot up the charts, literally, when he sprayed diarrhea on the draft board performing a Roanoke Rocket for a tryout for Tampa earlier this month.
12. Heet Valley Broncos - Brown Venters - Appaplondis University. A gamble pick for Heet Valley as Venters is a known no-pants participant, which is a violation of National Farting League rules. If he can learn to put on his dungarees, and lose the fake British accent, he could take the Broncos to the playoffs for the first time since the Piso Administration. Fart motto: "My wind cures potato famine."
13. Conyers Flatulators - Kong-Li Shermania - Shermania University. Shermania, seventh in a long line of professional Shermania farters, brings his patented "Kong-Pow" to the ring for Conyers, a squad desperately in need of a front-line passer after the defection of Shitbrains Smythe to Hong Kong in the offseason.
14. St. Louis Brown (via Qwekitch) - Padrick Zin - Opple Tech. Zin farted the theme song to the hit show Only the 37 of Us, which won him three pieces of toast. Played left field for Team 4 in 2010 and his fart while lying down in the outfield killed a record 42 blades of grass.
15. Las Vegas Coolie - Forfeit Pick. Las Vegas enacts clause 14.1b and acts upon their right to forfeit their pick in exchange for assassination of previous pick. Padrick Zin is forcibly removed from Draft HQ and farted to death in the Pass-assination Room by the "Odor Panel," 14 passers who serve this function exclusively.
May 1, 2011
2011 HJSL Draft Underway
[1st round analysis by Capolo (odd #s) and Oscar Rainbow (even #s)]
1) Portland Poopies - Gottfried Slime - P, Portland Yardwork and Garage Repair. Slime was rumored to be dropping out of a lottery selection due to a poor performance at the combine (forgot to wear clothing and "made" on one of the stopclock operators.) Extreme talent was too much to pass up, however, as the memory of the 15 MPH outside slurve (1997 - Uruguay Games) won out in the end.
2) Murfreesboro Bandits - Vince Shermania - SS, Munch Valley Team 4. Shermania, the younger brother of famous potato murderer Sherman Shermania, led the 2006 Cholly League in outfield fall downs with 17, and hit .110 for the Pickles (2007). Once ate a stapler to impress a woman.
3) Atlanta Astronauts (via Manalapan Mongos) - Danny Devito, Bench Player, Harvard. Devito, who gave up his career in Poo to focus on the Softball scene, skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks after he batted in his underwear for his local softball squad and successfully ran out a dribbler to the mound.
4) Vince Valley Cheetahs - Bonnie Bunning - OF, Capolo Henderson Community College. Bunning was best-known for having her leg eaten by a bear during a 1998 game. Led the 2005 Zevvits North League in acorns thrown at umpire (34).
5) New York Wombats - Steven Christensen - P, Goolie and Goolie University for the Pancake Loving American. Christensen still holds the Rextum, VA record for most consecutive hit batsmen (14). Also once ate and opposing shortstop.
6) Charlotte - Mik Rouso - 2B, Team 4. Once hit a ball seven feet.
7) Ottawa Ottawians - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa hedging on bet that Atlanta fails to sign Devito, looking for extreme value here at spot 7.
8) Gerk County Vipers - Pat Zin - OF, Team 4. Second player taken from the Panhandler's Row Team 4 from 2009. Zin led the '09 team in jogs back to the dugout and outfield cigarettes finished (44). Unknowingly wore his cup and jock strap outside of his pants during a game (May, 2007).
9) Conyers Owls - Kerk Ashermin - Utility, Team 4. Third player from the infamous league champion Team 4 infield to be taken, Ashermin was known for power to the pitcher and smoking cigarettes in between innings with his coolie.
10) Canton Lumberjacks - Mort Mejito - 3B, Sal's Hardware. Canton gambles with Mejito at No. 10 as most mock drafts showed the 48-year old dropping to the early part of the second round. Signability is an issue as Mejito said before the draft he "wouldn't sign for anything less than 11 envelopes."
11) Detroit Dingleberries - Sherman Irwin Shermania - 1B, Crugg School of Politics. Shermania, once widely considered a shoe-in for the first overall selection, dropped due to insanity concerns after he lit an opposing catcher on fire after striking out several weeks ago. While the catcher has since perished, Shermania was deemed too valuable to let fall any further.
12) Vancouver Pisos - Bog Piso - C, Feathers College. Vancouver takes one of its own as Bog comes north of the tomato to play for his grandfather's franchise. Piso was all-swamp in 2003 and 2005, leading Team Purple to a pair of league titles before starring at Feathers College under legendary coach, zebra. He once ate an entire box of tissues to win a bet.
13) Montreal Indians - Pedro Cerrano - OF, Christensen University. Cerrano, after a career in Major League Baseball flamed out, set himself on fire and ran over the border into Mexico. He has since been put out, and is looking to resurrect his career at age 66.
14) Bangor Muskrats - Inoki - P, Yomiuri Oxen. Inoki is the first Japanese-born player to be drafted into the Hey Jerk Softball League after a 34-year career in the Far East. In 1998 was elected to the Pigeon Sympathizer Hall of Fame. In 2008, led the Oxen with 47 singles.
15) Moscow - John Candy - CF, Deluise Culinary School. Candy, deceased for some 10 odd years, decides to throw his name in the draft to see if he "still has it." Moscow takes the bait, hopes Candy can perform adequately in a deep center field at Communism Field.
16) ** Pick vacated by Harrisburg Tigers after HJSL officials discovered in the Harrisburg clubhouse rampant use of performance-enhancing penguins **
17) Ottawa Ottawians (via Cleveland) - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa gives up 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th round picks to Cleveland to move up to 17 and select Danny Devito, afraid negotiations after pick 7 will go awry.
18) Walrus (via Washington) - Exasperation Thomas, 1B, Hoilioke. Thomas led her 2005, 2006 and 2008 teams in infield fall downs (average of 36/year), and once chewed on a teammate's ear for a Finn County-record eight minutes.
1) Portland Poopies - Gottfried Slime - P, Portland Yardwork and Garage Repair. Slime was rumored to be dropping out of a lottery selection due to a poor performance at the combine (forgot to wear clothing and "made" on one of the stopclock operators.) Extreme talent was too much to pass up, however, as the memory of the 15 MPH outside slurve (1997 - Uruguay Games) won out in the end.
2) Murfreesboro Bandits - Vince Shermania - SS, Munch Valley Team 4. Shermania, the younger brother of famous potato murderer Sherman Shermania, led the 2006 Cholly League in outfield fall downs with 17, and hit .110 for the Pickles (2007). Once ate a stapler to impress a woman.
3) Atlanta Astronauts (via Manalapan Mongos) - Danny Devito, Bench Player, Harvard. Devito, who gave up his career in Poo to focus on the Softball scene, skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks after he batted in his underwear for his local softball squad and successfully ran out a dribbler to the mound.
4) Vince Valley Cheetahs - Bonnie Bunning - OF, Capolo Henderson Community College. Bunning was best-known for having her leg eaten by a bear during a 1998 game. Led the 2005 Zevvits North League in acorns thrown at umpire (34).
5) New York Wombats - Steven Christensen - P, Goolie and Goolie University for the Pancake Loving American. Christensen still holds the Rextum, VA record for most consecutive hit batsmen (14). Also once ate and opposing shortstop.
6) Charlotte - Mik Rouso - 2B, Team 4. Once hit a ball seven feet.
7) Ottawa Ottawians - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa hedging on bet that Atlanta fails to sign Devito, looking for extreme value here at spot 7.
8) Gerk County Vipers - Pat Zin - OF, Team 4. Second player taken from the Panhandler's Row Team 4 from 2009. Zin led the '09 team in jogs back to the dugout and outfield cigarettes finished (44). Unknowingly wore his cup and jock strap outside of his pants during a game (May, 2007).
9) Conyers Owls - Kerk Ashermin - Utility, Team 4. Third player from the infamous league champion Team 4 infield to be taken, Ashermin was known for power to the pitcher and smoking cigarettes in between innings with his coolie.
10) Canton Lumberjacks - Mort Mejito - 3B, Sal's Hardware. Canton gambles with Mejito at No. 10 as most mock drafts showed the 48-year old dropping to the early part of the second round. Signability is an issue as Mejito said before the draft he "wouldn't sign for anything less than 11 envelopes."
11) Detroit Dingleberries - Sherman Irwin Shermania - 1B, Crugg School of Politics. Shermania, once widely considered a shoe-in for the first overall selection, dropped due to insanity concerns after he lit an opposing catcher on fire after striking out several weeks ago. While the catcher has since perished, Shermania was deemed too valuable to let fall any further.
12) Vancouver Pisos - Bog Piso - C, Feathers College. Vancouver takes one of its own as Bog comes north of the tomato to play for his grandfather's franchise. Piso was all-swamp in 2003 and 2005, leading Team Purple to a pair of league titles before starring at Feathers College under legendary coach, zebra. He once ate an entire box of tissues to win a bet.
13) Montreal Indians - Pedro Cerrano - OF, Christensen University. Cerrano, after a career in Major League Baseball flamed out, set himself on fire and ran over the border into Mexico. He has since been put out, and is looking to resurrect his career at age 66.
14) Bangor Muskrats - Inoki - P, Yomiuri Oxen. Inoki is the first Japanese-born player to be drafted into the Hey Jerk Softball League after a 34-year career in the Far East. In 1998 was elected to the Pigeon Sympathizer Hall of Fame. In 2008, led the Oxen with 47 singles.
15) Moscow - John Candy - CF, Deluise Culinary School. Candy, deceased for some 10 odd years, decides to throw his name in the draft to see if he "still has it." Moscow takes the bait, hopes Candy can perform adequately in a deep center field at Communism Field.
16) ** Pick vacated by Harrisburg Tigers after HJSL officials discovered in the Harrisburg clubhouse rampant use of performance-enhancing penguins **
17) Ottawa Ottawians (via Cleveland) - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa gives up 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th round picks to Cleveland to move up to 17 and select Danny Devito, afraid negotiations after pick 7 will go awry.
18) Walrus (via Washington) - Exasperation Thomas, 1B, Hoilioke. Thomas led her 2005, 2006 and 2008 teams in infield fall downs (average of 36/year), and once chewed on a teammate's ear for a Finn County-record eight minutes.
January 21, 2010
1st annual Hey Jerk Face Draft
1st round
[Analysis by Oscar Rainbow and draft expert Capolo]
1. Ottawa Rattlers (from Trenton) - Harold Torkowsky's nose. Set Fannin County record with 17 sneezes/minute in 2007. Nicknamed "The Schnozzer".
2. Ottawa Kangaroos - D. Devito. First man to be drafted in poo, sneeze, giraffe, ladder, and face drafts all in same year.
3. Santruce County - Mole (unattached). Two hairs: one brown, one light-brown. Confused for chocolate chip (Spring, 1997).
4. Rectal City, Utah - Rory Steinowitz' left ear. Small wound on lobe (cigarette). 14.2" diameter won largest at Rectal City Fair (1533)
5. Whisker Town - Whiskers. The Centipedes pick the home town facial feature to attempt to revive a dwindling fan base.
6. Yetiville - Forfeit. Due to the ridiculousness of the previous pick, Yetiville has chose to forfeit their pick at 6 and save funds for a possible late round Devito move.
7. Venableville - Chen Bradley's eyebrows. Grew back November, 2009 after an October ankle sock fire took the lives of thousands of eyebrows. Permanent barbecue sauce stain in left brow.
8. Lou - Lou. After forming own expansion squad in off season, Lou decides to draft himself.
9. Qweckney - Handlebar mustache. Once belonged to Pip Ledner look-alike contest runner-up Xavier Leech. Contains corn niblet.
10. Atlanta - Soul patch. Trendy in the mid 90's, everyone who wore one looked atrocious. This particular one belonged to Hey Jerk staff member Fob Quinkley (1999).
11. Cronk Valley - Melanie Cole's chin. Acquired in a blockbuster trade for three knuckles and a plate of forehead skin (September, 2003).
12. Trenton (from Ottawa Rattlers) - Franklin Dobbs' head lice. Nine-year old's lice collection valued at $1,500.
**2nd round coming soon**
December 10, 2009
LIVE BLOG - ROUND 2 OF GIRAFFE DRAFT
Round 2
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
16. Vin Valley - Pu Rennin - Wimperlong State. Third-oldest giraffe to be drafted (44). Stock fell after infamous mashed potato hot tub photos surfaced on internet (September, 2009).
17. Harry Cosgrave City - Larry - N/A. Only hippo to ever be drafted in giraffe draft. Also employed as part-time writer for Hey Jerk.
18. Hensley Park Raptors - Ish'fy Clemente - N/A. First foreign-born giraffe taken. Impressed scouts with his vertical leap despite having only five vertebrae. Favorite TV show: Nostril Ricardo & Friends
19. Ottawa Gorillas - D. Devito - Frompsberg State. Ottawa taking a gamble here drafting Devito a second time in case their initial discussions fall through. Also want to have a chance to steal Devito back from rival Ottawa squad should they have discussions with Devito. D. Devito once ate an entire ostrich (February, 1904) without burping.
20. Boise (from Olten Bureau) - Konko - West Corcoran. Taken in 2008 Giraffe Draft but returned to school to finish degree in Pigeontonics.
21. Toronto Terriers - Seth - East Australia U.
Drafted strictly on potential of having only three toes.
22. West Poppadopalis - Ollie Shane - Poob Technical Institute. Lacks ossified cartilage, but still ran a 19.4 40-yard dash during pre-draft combine. In January, 2006, ate car battery to impress a female giraffe, then threw up battery to win village talent show.
23. Ottawa Capolo's - Pinto Hama'ale - Hawaii Institute of Large Animal Veterinary Science. Voted "Deepest in nostril tongue reach" Hawaii Central HS Class of '88.
24. Fort Brunson - Ceng Zu - Hoilioke College.
Joins former college teammate Ernie 7 as 2009 draft picks. Currently housing a family of chipmunks in his left ear.
25. New York Pygmy Rhinos - Forfeit pick. New York looking to cut back on giraffe league record $14 dollar payroll for 2010, decides to forfeit draft pick, leaving D. Devito available for subsequent squads.
26. Sacramento Salmon - T'Qweeshawn Early - Plum College & Discount Shoe Repair.
First giraffe taken from the Thornicroft subspecies. Able to play all five positions and has experience swallowing mice whole.
27. Norway Schlotzky's - J. Candy - Aunt Estelles Gifted Giraffes. Since the release of Candy's film "The Great Outdoors," Candy focused his talents on becoming a giraffe. First giraffe to weigh over 400 lbs in human form.
28. Dallas - Goo Thomason - N/A. Expansion team's first-ever draft pick completes 21-year old trade. Thomason's former wife, Ingrid Lanthom (rhinoceros), traded to Cleppinger for pine cone sandwich and giraffe to be named later (June 7, 1988).
29. Anchorage - Freezy "Chips" Yonnsho - Montana State A&M. 27'9", 4,445 lbs. Larger as far as giraffes are concerned, Anchorage takes a gamble on Freezy based on physical proportions. Freezy has never giraffed and will need several years of seasoning in the minors. Thought of as potentially a seven-tool athlete.
30. Shonsen City - Blinky - N/A. Deceased (earthworm overdose).
December 8, 2009
LIVE BLOG - 2009 GIRAFFE DRAFT
Round 1
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
1. Ottawa Gorillas - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. 11'7, 2,367 pounds. Devito was consensus number one overall pick after completing 3 head stands in the 2008 regional finals v. Beluga Tech University.
2. Hensley Park Raptors - Juju - Locks Valley Conservatory. 23-inch tongue. Record 273 leaves eaten (May 7, 2008).
3. Uruguay Township Blue Whales - P.P. Reynolds - Pepano Air Conditioning Technical College. Shortest known giraffe at 1'4. Once dated Britney Spears.
4. West Poppadopalis - Ernie 7 - Holioke College. 13'8, 2,220 pounds. Poppadopalis voted best giraffe on roller skates from 1998-2001. Brother, Julian, starred in 1987 musical Somebody Get me a Glass of Water.
5. Jickson Maulers - Gilbert Boniva - Tymarius Institute of Technology. Boniva previously drafted in 3rd round of 1992 Poo draft but career stalled after eating too much cheese. Reinvested himself in Giraffing - oldest giraffe to be drafted (47).
6. Clampo County Vikings - Tito Pipp - Backroom College & Cafeteria. Once carried a fellow giraffe to freedom (cream corn avalanche). Second-oldest giraffe to be drafted (46).
7. Ottawa Capolo's - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. Rival Ottawa club drafts Devito on condition that if deal cannot be worked out with Gorillas, Devito deal strictly with them. Devito was first Giraffe to star in TV sitcom (Taxi).
8. Minnesota Plungs - Leech Brayburn - Voo. Thinnest poo (1977-1984). Signability in question after perfect score at 2009 Cabbage Olympics.
9. Takagawa Walnuts - Donnie Baseball - Japan College of Giraffe Development and O'Shoogie Design. Previously played for the New York Yankees and after retirement decided to focus on being a Giraffe. Starred in "When Harry Met Sally" (Coconut peeler)
10. Grottsburg Pirates - Chico Lind - KC Racers. 13'7, 2,575 pounds. Worst enemy: Jerry (lion).
11. Giraffe City Spiders - J.P. Schmoppo - Toronto Juniors. 27'8", 14 pounds. Known for trademark truffle shuffle after each cheetah attack. Loves middle-eastern Rhinos.
12. Shonsen City - Potato Murphy - Ben Hopkins High School. Favorite food: mud. 'Necking' led to November, 2006 marriage to Engo Vanderells; divorced: January, 2007.
13. Deluise - Penelope Franklin - Shmomway Middle. Known to fart violently during competition. Skills warrant a top 5 pick, but chance of diarrhea troubling.
14. South Klumptown - Bibb Chance - Oddoway State. Twig hoarder. Drafted in 2008 Giraffe Draft, but returned to school. Finished with 2.7 GPA (giraffe-pee-average) senior year.
15. Fompooly City Pombabos - John Candy - N/A. Candy drafted strictly on potential - once extended neck longer than 42 feet. Enjoys hunting rhino.
** Round 2 - December 10 **
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
1. Ottawa Gorillas - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. 11'7, 2,367 pounds. Devito was consensus number one overall pick after completing 3 head stands in the 2008 regional finals v. Beluga Tech University.
2. Hensley Park Raptors - Juju - Locks Valley Conservatory. 23-inch tongue. Record 273 leaves eaten (May 7, 2008).
3. Uruguay Township Blue Whales - P.P. Reynolds - Pepano Air Conditioning Technical College. Shortest known giraffe at 1'4. Once dated Britney Spears.
4. West Poppadopalis - Ernie 7 - Holioke College. 13'8, 2,220 pounds. Poppadopalis voted best giraffe on roller skates from 1998-2001. Brother, Julian, starred in 1987 musical Somebody Get me a Glass of Water.
5. Jickson Maulers - Gilbert Boniva - Tymarius Institute of Technology. Boniva previously drafted in 3rd round of 1992 Poo draft but career stalled after eating too much cheese. Reinvested himself in Giraffing - oldest giraffe to be drafted (47).
6. Clampo County Vikings - Tito Pipp - Backroom College & Cafeteria. Once carried a fellow giraffe to freedom (cream corn avalanche). Second-oldest giraffe to be drafted (46).
7. Ottawa Capolo's - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. Rival Ottawa club drafts Devito on condition that if deal cannot be worked out with Gorillas, Devito deal strictly with them. Devito was first Giraffe to star in TV sitcom (Taxi).
8. Minnesota Plungs - Leech Brayburn - Voo. Thinnest poo (1977-1984). Signability in question after perfect score at 2009 Cabbage Olympics.
9. Takagawa Walnuts - Donnie Baseball - Japan College of Giraffe Development and O'Shoogie Design. Previously played for the New York Yankees and after retirement decided to focus on being a Giraffe. Starred in "When Harry Met Sally" (Coconut peeler)
10. Grottsburg Pirates - Chico Lind - KC Racers. 13'7, 2,575 pounds. Worst enemy: Jerry (lion).
11. Giraffe City Spiders - J.P. Schmoppo - Toronto Juniors. 27'8", 14 pounds. Known for trademark truffle shuffle after each cheetah attack. Loves middle-eastern Rhinos.
12. Shonsen City - Potato Murphy - Ben Hopkins High School. Favorite food: mud. 'Necking' led to November, 2006 marriage to Engo Vanderells; divorced: January, 2007.
13. Deluise - Penelope Franklin - Shmomway Middle. Known to fart violently during competition. Skills warrant a top 5 pick, but chance of diarrhea troubling.
14. South Klumptown - Bibb Chance - Oddoway State. Twig hoarder. Drafted in 2008 Giraffe Draft, but returned to school. Finished with 2.7 GPA (giraffe-pee-average) senior year.
15. Fompooly City Pombabos - John Candy - N/A. Candy drafted strictly on potential - once extended neck longer than 42 feet. Enjoys hunting rhino.
** Round 2 - December 10 **
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