Marvin Piso Interview

The following is a transcript of editor Oscar Rainbow's interview with famed goldfish whisperer Marvin Piso.


marvin.piso: hello
rainbow: marvin, nice to hear from you. we were supposed to interview for this position on two other occasions, but instead, there were unfortunate incidents
marvin.piso: well, the first one was out of my control, you know that harry. the second one, yes, i should have worn underpants
rainbow: don't call me harry, and you should have, yes. but that's in the past. just a few minutes ago, sure, but still-in the past. let's start the interview
marvin.piso: fine, let's start the interview
rainbow: first, drop the attitude off at Attitudetown
marvin.piso: I don't know where that is
rainbow: it's over there. population: you and a guy named tony
marvin.piso: fine, can we begin please?
rainbow: we can. what is your work experience, glenn? is it ok if i call you glenn?
marvin.piso: no, it is certainly not ok. my name is marvin, and what position am i interviewing for?
rainbow: the only position we have available is Staff Avocado
marvin.piso: fine
rainbow: you're the ideal candidate
marvin.piso: ate an avocado in '88, threw it up
rainbow: ok, great, then what happened?
marvin.piso: nothing, move on quickly
rainbow: well, if you're going to take the staff avocado position, we're going to need you to be here bright and early every morning for hair and makeup
marvin.piso: hair and makeup?
rainbow: it's going to take a real commitment from you and your family. it's all in the introduction packet
marvin.piso: dont involve Gary Jr. in this discussion. and there was no packet
rainbow: there will be a packet. Gary Jr.? is that your son?
marvin.piso: he lives with me, yes
rainbow: ok, well this is awkward. we can't hire anyone with a relative named Gary. so either change his name or get rid of him
marvin.piso: he isn't a relative, he cleans my feet
rainbow: no relation? fine. we have a foot cleaner on staff, so, no problem there
marvin.piso: great. move on
rainbow: stop telling me to move on, that should be first on your list.
marvin piso: i don't have a list.
rainbow: make a list.
marvin piso: done.
rainbow: second on the list: take off my pants and put on your own pants
marvin piso: i'm sorry, i can't do that. do you have any education?
rainbow: 1991-2008 attended Stanford. was shot in the right shoulder with a bow and arrow, may, 2008. never heard from again
marvin.piso: great. any experience?
rainbow: experience with what? a bow and arrow?
marvin.piso: with being a staff avocado, this is an interview
rainbow: i understand that. i was staff avocado for influential blogs throughout the decade of the 1990s
marvin.piso: wait, you are supposed to be interviewing me, harry
rainbow: you know what, you may be on to something
marvin.piso: oh, I'm on to something alright
rainbow: well, should you be the staff avocado or should i?
marvin.piso: i'm not following
rainbow: the staff avocado position, should we avocado, asparagus, scissors for it? note: i always pick asparagus
marvin.piso: HARRY! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
rainbow: who is Harry? because it isn't me
marvin.piso: who are you?
rainbow: you've been calling me Harry for years and i'm tired of it
marvin.piso: i was told you were harry by a guy named harry
rainbow: i'm marvin piso, aren't i?
marvin.piso: no thats me
rainbow: ok, well i need to take a minute, check the inside of my undershirt
marvin.piso: go in the corner, Burt and take a deep breath
rainbow: i don't take deep breaths. that's illegal in my country
marvin.piso: what country would that be
rainbow: i'm not going to answer that question in this economy. let's continue with the interview please. any fast food experience?
marvin.piso: Subway. sandwich engineer from 1997-1997
rainbow: so, 1997? the word "engineer" isn't necessary, obviously. you made sandwiches
marvin.piso: SANDWICH ENGINEER
rainbow: back off capital letter avenue, and take a stroll down lower case lane
marvin.piso: ill disregard that last sentence. so, yes, in 1997 I worked there
rainbow: and you got fired i'm assuming? how did it happen?
marvin.piso: well, lets just say I had a no oswald policy and an oswald walked in
rainbow: i understand. well, marvin, you're not hired. i'm terribly sorry. please leave your galoshes and mayo hose at the front door and get at least 1,000 feet away from the headquarters building immediately
marvin.piso: i'm not at headquarters, i'm there.
rainbow: perfect, stay there.
marvin.piso: fine. i hope you understand that based on this interview we could never hire you.
rainbow: i accept your decision, now please, can you get down from my shoulders?