Gub Faalib, former staff idiot, has been eaten by Maury Dinkus, according to Blinz County police chief Melik Ruso. Faalib, who spent more than 50 years in a Chinese prison and nearly four hours in the parking lot of a Chinese prison, was reciting his famous poem "10 Things I Glued Onto You" when Dinkus started snacking. Several staff members, including editors Capolo and Eddie Xomcheese were present at the time, but refused to help Faalib.
"The man had four arms. If I was really hungry and I saw Faalib, I probably would've eaten him, too," said Capolo. "Besides, he sawed off half of my desk chair and also tried to sleep with my ex-houseplant, Martha. I'm glad he's dead."
"Faalib? I've never heard of her," said Xomcheese.
The Faalib funeral will be held this Sunday at 3:00 p.m.; insects and sweat cups will be served.
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