Casting Chosen for New Film

Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story


Cast:

Pal Fimply as Shmoof Lintardo
Mick Rooso as Fat Neck Glenn
Ernie Holoogala as Capolo/Evil Capolo
Nick Kiprio as the talking banana
Padrick Zin as Stinky, the Softball Player Who Couldn't
Gheorge Muresan as Robert Feathers
Calvin Bechtold as Zirnbo 14
Pip Glenn as Jerry the Canary
Miles Derner as Oscar Rainbow
Rosie O'Donnell as Aunt Estelle
Von Paysley as the advice-giving toaster oven
Kirk Sherman Jr. as the ghost of Eddie Bagel


In theaters January 1!

Phui Reported Dead

*BREAKING NEWS*

Early reports from headquarters indicate staff murderer Omfbo Phui has died. Staff correspondent Banana Gentry filed a report at 12:31 a.m. stating Phui had a rubber chicken put in the front pocket of his blue jeans and the 39-year old couldn't recover.

If Phui is in fact dead, it will be a great relief to many of the staff members, many of which have seen several of their close friends, including Eddie Bagel, killed by Phui's murderous mob in the past 48 hours.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates on Phui's condition and/or description of the liquids flowing from his ears and naval.

Carlos Bagel: Man of Mystery

Carlos Bagel has been hired on as Staff Teste. He is the latest in a line of Bagel's that has included Eddie and Juan, both recently murdered.

Carlos

Carlos has threatened to "take over this blog" after the recent slayings of family members.

"The Bagel's are a proud family, who wont stand for the useless murder of family members. I'm not going to be murdered, and I'm going to kill Phui."

- JP Jones

Juan Bagel Popped

Juan Bagel, hired minutes ago as new Staff Cream Cheese, has been popped, according to Staff Editor Capolo. It is believed that upon entering HQ, Bagel started screaming about how he could "float, and none of you other losers can!" Soon after, Omfbo Phui is believed to have popped Bagel with a projectile staple.

Bagel (Dead)

Bagel Brought On Board

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Juan E. Bagel as new Staff Cream Cheese. Juan replaces his cousin Eddie, who was one of five staff members killed in the Omfbo Phui offings/salad dressing drownings of '10.

Phui Kills Five

Omfbo Phui has done it. He has killed five of the biggest losers ever to work at this blog.


Mass Death



We here at the Jerk would offer our condolences to the families of Bill Bryson, Baron Von Bweebo, Nicky Hu, Ed Bagel, and Otto Kleinsauce - but we hated them all and are glad they are dead.


- Winston W.

Bagel Hired

Eddie S. Bagel has been hired as Staff Cream Cheese, effective as soon as the 41-year old completes a sesame seed test.