First Bogoba Hired

Venton Bogoba, a member of the prominent Bogoba family, has been hired as staff waver. Bogoba will be responsible for waving at passing motorists, floral arrangements and new staff banister, Don Menkley.

The Bogoba File

Age: N/A
Family: pine cone (Dwayne), marble (Betsy), daughter (Pinecone)
Military history:

1984-1986: soldier in the War of Many Salads. Wounded by cabbage schrapnel and received honorable discharge in May, 1986.

1988: captain of the 7th infantry in Pinch War of '88. Had eleven pinches in Mexico City (June, 1988)

1996-2006: lieutenant in United States giant ear core. Fought in several conflicts, including the Battle to Maintain Paul Paulfield's Hairpiece and the Asparagus Misunderstandings of '03. Retired from military service in December, 2006.

Work experience:

1972-1975: Salesman at Hank's Bait & Tackle Shop. Fired, January, 1975 for improper use of a dip bait.
1976-1977: Agent for child star Casey Iris. Fired and briefly imprisoned in November, 1977 for theft of sneakers.
1979-1982: Revising resume
1983: Power forward for the Richburg Torpedos basketball team. Released in February, 1983 after contract dispute/alleged referee kidnapping.

Clem Idelby Perishes

The deaths continue at Hey Jerk as Clem Idelby has perished in a Clem Idelby/Paulfield flood. Several Idelbys died along with Clem, though none were important enough to identify by name.

Paulfields killed in the flood:

* Pool Paulfield
* Proul Paulfield
* Ernie Paulfield-Jickson


- Staff Idelby Death correspondent Dirnf Ferera

Frozengard Takes Next Step in Jerk War 2010, Conducts Mass Assasination

Chuck Frozengard (Staff Hobo), who recently declared war on Oscar Rainbow and everything Rainbow related, took the next step in his plan by offing several well-known Rainbow enthusiasts here at the blog.

Don Didier, Morahead Paulfield, Squib Cotillion, and Miles Derner were all offed by Frozengard, who had this to say afterwards:

"They all had to die. For every Rainbow supporter I locate, another will perish. Method of assassination: doo."

Mass Slaying



All four of these dedicated staff members have put in there time here at The Jerk, and for that we offer them no thanks. Oscar Rainbow and his camp are sure to retaliate in the near future. Stay tuned for exclusive updates.

- Staff War Correspondent PooPee Reynolds

New Staff Paulfield Hired

Morahead Paulfield, distant niece of recently deceased Paul and Pauool Paulfield, has been hired on to take on the vacant Staff Paul Paulfield Position.

"I'm honored that someone would kill my brethren to give me that extra push I needed to get into office," said Morahead Paulfield, "and I may even enter a ticket."


Paulfield



In other news, recently slain Barry Ossining has been replaced by cousin Barrold Ossining, claiming the role of Staff Barry.


Ossining

Ossining makes no promises as to his performance after his hire. Both will start effective immediately and will be present in Jed O'Schmallfoot's weekly planning meeting tomorrow morning.

- Staff Correspondent Dungo Templeton

Paufield Dead

The string of limb-loss and death continued at Hey Jerk when longtime Staff Paul Paulfield Pauool Paulfield was killed by Bower-supporter Ducky Vanderells.

"I did it for Bower," Vanderells said.

Possible Paulfield replacements include:

* Poolface Paulfield
* Pauool Paulfield Sr.
* Gary Paulfield
* Arapaho Paulfield (deceased)

Hey Jerk Softball Lineup Announced

Hey Jerk Pepanos
2010 squad

Manager

Oscar Rainbow



Career record: 14-83
Moment of shame: Ejected from April, 2008 game for home plate unearthing/theft.


Coaching staff

Capolo



1st-base coach/restroom attendant
Playing career: Hit .117 for Class M Qwekinger Diablos of Rivervalley League (1982)


Ed Xomcheese



Third-base coach
Playing career: Ate 11 hot dogs during seventh stretch of 2003 game against Oridea Technical Institute.


Buck Crugg-Fonchonski



Pitching coach
Pitching philosophy: "Throw soft and carry a lot of envelopes"


Starting lineup

1. Jose Lind, SS
2. Michael Ian Bower, 1B
3. Pal Fimply, 2B
4. Fat Neck Glenn, DH
5. Pauool Paulfield, LF
6. Nadine Wexley, RF
7. Chon Zavier, 3B
8. Settle Roundhead, CF
9. Trevor Travis, C

SP Chuck Frozengard


First game is scheduled for June 2 against fonchonski.blogspot.com at Queh Field

New Paulfield Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Pauool Paulfield as the new Staff Paul Paulfield. The 42-year old will start immediately, or in early August.


Pauool Paulfield



Height/weight: N/A
Former occupation: Mashed potato whisperer
Education: Two semesters at Derwood College & Bait Shop (January-July, 1992)

Career trades

May 1, 2006 - traded nose to Roger Shane for a mailbox flag
December 25, 1997 - traded son, Paw to Santa Claus for a sugar cookie and a Fig Newton to be named later

Paulfield Assassinated

In a first here at the Jerk, I am writing to confirm that I, Ed Xomcheese, Staff Editor, have slain Paul Paulfield in what I can only refer to as a "political assassination." The killing puts a serious damper into the campaign of Bower and Paulfield in '10.



Paul Paulfield


On another note, vote D-Face in 2010.

Bower Ahead in Most Polls

The Bower/Paulfield '10 ticket is gaining steam as election day approaches.

Celebrities endorsing "Bower Power":

- Danny Devito look-alike, Randy Diveeto
- Aroldis Pepano
- Miles Corcoran, the Chalkboard Whisperer

Paul Paulfield Jr. Hired

Paul Paulfield Jr., the son of recently-slained Paul Paulfield, has been hired to take over for his late-father as staff Paul Paulfield.

Paulfield Jr. will retain squirrel, Derrick, but let the can of anchovies leave via-free agency.

Several cans of tomato paste will be interviewed to fill the cabinet position.


- Staff correspondent Nat Murphy

Paulfield Slain

After 4 1/2 minutes on staff, Paul Paulfied has been murdered.

"I did it." said Al Pepano.

Reason for slaying is unknown, but believed to be related to the fact that Paulfield was actually Frankenstein.

Paulfield (Dead)

Staff Paul Paulfield Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of a new staff Paul Paulfield, Paul Paulfield.

All Paul Paulfield-related matters will be controlled by Mr. Paulfield and his staff-a squirrel named Derrick and a can of anchovies.