Quink: Alive

Contrary to earlier reports that he had drowned in a mayonnaise pool, Sheshikiah Quink is, in fact alive, according to a photograph of a person with knowledge of the situation. Quink, who successfully had all the mailboxes in his neighborhood replaced with giant sneakers in the fall of 1983 and was bassist in the legendary band Smelling Gary, will continue to live in his shoebox with his pet hairbrush, Darryl.

- Correspondent Deidrick Bipperd