**RESULTS OF ANNUAL AUDIT**

As you may recall, the Hey Jerk team recently retained the services of Carlos Consultant to examine a few concerning blog statistics. The results of the audit were revealed at today's annual meeting.

It was determined that Hey Jerk has an annual turnover rate of 58%. While high, it's not the 90% turnover rate previously assumed by insiders. The continuous hiring of new staff (on nearly a daily basis) into new positions balances out the rate. A few important statistics follow:

- The Jerk has hired 130 individuals into 130 positions (creating new positions for each individual rather than replacing exiting employees)
- One staff member has been hired twice. After being summarily fired, Chuck Frozengard was rehired as Staff Hobo on a probationary basis. He is banned from coming within 16 feet of a VCR; should he violate this agreement, he will again be let-go.
- Out of the 75 employees no longer with Hey Jerk, 72 died. Only 3 employees left for other reasons (Wendell Didier: Under Arrest; Zezbro 7: On the Run; Chuck Frozengard: Fired and rehired). Cause and effect has not yet been determined. The board will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss whether working at the Jerk is deadly or if management is inclined to hire people in "Death's Shadow."
- While many employees died in mundane ways (killed in Queh fire, dead by pen cap overdose, eaten by hippo, etc.), Chlembhat 16 was the unfortunate victim of interplanetary warfare. He remains the only Hey Jerk staffer to have died via hyper-neon ray gun.
- In addition to its 130 staff positions, Hey Jerk is the owner of three freestanding buildings. The Hey Jerk Jail (also known as Bertrund) houses Wendell Didier and Sanjay Gupta's cousin. This property is valued at 74,000 yen. The Hey Jerk Courthouse will be going up for auction this weekend. Finally, the Hey Jerk Headquarters have been renovated with indoor plumbing and floral wallpaper, boosting the eventual resale value by fifty percent to $0.04.

Carlos Consultant plans to work with the Hey Jerk board and proctologists from the local research hospital to determine what's killing Jerk employees. Stay tuned.