Yorbit On Roof

Troubling news from Jerk headquarters as staff member Emanuel Yorbit is on the roof and demanding to speak with an elephant.

It's not the first time the 33-year old has ascended to the roof. In 1988, he sat atop the Winkleman's roof for five days to promote awareness of chimneys, and while Christmas caroling in December, 2005, he ate part of the Paddock's roof to "win a bet with a squirrel." (Capolo Times, 12/19/05).

Staff editor Capolo Henderson released a statement from inside a hippopotamus' mouth:

"(Yorbit) owes me seven pecans. If he's not down by Saturday, I'm going to have to shoot him down. We can't have this kind of behavior, not during mailbox flag season."

After issuing the statement, Henderson was eaten by the hippopotamus and he was presumed delicious by several other hippopotamus in attendance.

Cotillion Found Alive

Staff Hippo Man, Squib Cotillion, rumored to be one of the staff members killed in the massacre at headquarters, Tuesday morning, was found with just a minor head cold and a half-eaten salami sandwich.

Cotillion will continue to monitor the blog's hippo population and is urging any hungry staff member to come by his office and have a bite of his sandwich.

"It's just a really, really good sandwich," said Cotillion. "$15 per bite, though."