Vandalism Rocks Glenn Campaign

A vandal, possibly involved in the Bower campaign, destroyed a Zern Glenn campaign billboard Monday afternoon, according to a puddle of motor oil familiar with the situation. Glenn, the long-lost brother of newly-appointed Hey Jerk leader Fat Neck Glenn, was considered a top-75 candidate. The Bower camp refused comment.


- Zern Glenn campaign correspodent Gary Larryson

Roundhead Quits

Former staff correspondent Settle Roundhead resigned Monday claiming "unfair refrigerator practices". Roundhead released a statement through his attorney, Attornee Jackson.

"Last Thursday, I put my socks in the refrigerator to keep them cool and I get bombarded by staff members. They're yelling 'sock killer!' and 'save the elastic!'. It was quite bizarre. I just feel like it's in everyone's best interests if I resign, take one of the walls from the third floor with me, and just go on with my life."

Roundhead was a solid contributor and broke several news stories, including the Bobby Feathers campaign billboard graffiti disasters of '10, the vacuuming of Teddy Pinecone and the Rocco Frompley train hijackings. The 42-year old was also an outfielder on the blog softball team.

Maybee/Chubbs Enter Race

Early straw polls: top 35 ticket

Source: Pepano Weekly

Busy Day Continues as Another Ticket Entered

- Decision 2010 Correspendent Typhoon Randolph

Winning Ticket Entered Into Race

- Decision 2010 Correspondent Typhoon Randolph

New Entry Into Race

Ronnie Potato/ Gary Shandling ticket considered "instant frontrunner in this thing." - Typhoon Randolph.





- Decision 2010 Correspondent Jetpack Jones

Queh Campaign Begins

Bradley Eaten

Candidate Nope Bradley was eaten by a grizzly bear, according to a rock with a patch of grass near the situation. Bradley, who earlier in the day had entered the 2010 election with the hopes of swaying the caterpillar vote, was 36-potatoes old.


- Staff correspondent Darf Ferera

Bradley Enters Race

Second Half of Seckinway/Pompelio Ticket Brutally Assassinated

Oz Seckinway, once a candidate on the Seckinway/Pompelio "Change the World '10" ticket, has been brutally murdered by new Staff Shrimp Boat Captain Clem Idelby. While it is currently unknown as to why Idelby murdered Seckinway in cold blood, it is believed that he had no reason.

"I just wanted to kill him," said Idelby.

Seckinway (Dead)


No charges are being pressed at this time, nor will they ever be pressed. Everyone here at The Jerk hated Seckinway.

- Staff Seckinway Man Clark Snuggelwibby

Jesper Rainbow Picks VP, Enters Race

New Staff Paulfield Hired

Morahead Paulfield, distant niece of recently deceased Paul and Pauool Paulfield, has been hired on to take on the vacant Staff Paul Paulfield Position.

"I'm honored that someone would kill my brethren to give me that extra push I needed to get into office," said Morahead Paulfield, "and I may even enter a ticket."


Paulfield



In other news, recently slain Barry Ossining has been replaced by cousin Barrold Ossining, claiming the role of Staff Barry.


Ossining

Ossining makes no promises as to his performance after his hire. Both will start effective immediately and will be present in Jed O'Schmallfoot's weekly planning meeting tomorrow morning.

- Staff Correspondent Dungo Templeton

Bower Loses Limbs, Rolls Away

Bower, entrant in Decision 2010, has lost his limbs and subsequently rolled away, according to Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons.

Bower (Rolled Away)


Bower, an early entrant into the race and a frontrunner at one time, will no longer be around to be part of The Jerk in any way.

- Staff Correspondent Beau Fimmons

Muresan Enters Race, Promises Nothing

Pock Throws Raisin in the Hat, Submits Ticket

New T-Shirts Available

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Report: Rainbow Withdraws from Race

A Hey Jerk source has confirmed staff editor Oscar Rainbow has withdrawn from the upcoming election, citing missing toothpicks as the reason.

Rainbow will continue with his editor duties, as well as his managerial stint with the blog softball team.

Feathers Campaign Billboard Defaced; Candidate Unfazed

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Inappropriate graffiti was discovered on candidate Bobby Feathers' campaign billboard Thursday morning. The vandalism is part of a difficult week for Feathers, who Wednesday learned he had fathered an illegitimate plum, hours after finding a sunflower seed had been glued to his ear.

"We're going to press on with this campaign," Feathers said to his toaster oven. "I never thought someone would stoop so low to not only spray paint the 'P' word onto our billboard, but leave a pile of the 'P' word on the lawn in front. It's a dark day for billboards."


- Campaign correspondent Settle Roundhead

Unknown Glenn Enters Race

Zern Glenn, long-lost brother of Fat Neck Glenn, appeared at Hey Jerk headquarters Tuesday afternoon and immediately entered the 2010 race. Glenn said he has not yet announced a running mate, but the smart cereal is on Cabrera Pompelio, who was just released from prison after serving three years for toe nail-smuggling.

Amidst Slayings, Rainbow Enters Race