Glenn
Date: October 10, 2011
Location: Hey Jerk Combines (Sight of the 2012 HJ Draft)
Attendance: 14,980,300 (Est.)
Gary: N/A
Transcript of speech:
"Greetings. My name is Fat-Neck Glenn, esteemed leader of this corporation. You, as shareholders, are a vital cog in our path to success. You're valuable contributions keep us moving in the right direction, and for that, I am grateful to each and every one of you.
That said, I think you all stink. I have been murdered, hired, murdered and hired again in my attempts to 'right this ship.' I have been shown little appreciation except for the fact that I will most likely be murdered again sometime soon. For this, I despise all of you, and wish you all slow and painful demises.
On to the meat of this address. We have several topics we wish to discuss today, including Ross Oberman, our editorial situation, Chuck Frozengard, Heinrich Capeetle, and the current financial state of our company. We will begin with what is now being referred to as "The Oberman Saga." When I came onboard, I made a promise to take care of the death threatening lunatic that has become a thorn in the side of The Jerk. I severely underestimated the man, and subsequently many have died and he remains nearly invisible to us. On this subject, I'd like to say that I plan an all out assault on the Oberman Foundation, and will not sleep until he is found. In spite of this, I am not confident I will find him before he kills several more of you. Those are the breaks.
As far as our editors, Capolo, Rainbow, and Estelle are concerned - I think we are in fairly good hands here. Capolo has once again escaped to sea, but we expect him back in a matter of months. In the meantime, we are in the very capable albeit insane hands of Oscar Rainbow. When I notified Rainbow of his new leadership role, he embraced the opportunity, and remarked 'Poopy for all!' I expect nothing short of another trip to the bin for Rainbow, this time perhaps finally resulting in his death.
Frozengard - well, what can I say about the man that hasn't already been said. We thought we were rid of him, and again, he returned. We put him in the dungeon to await assassination, and yet he lives. He is now due in mid-November with Steven Balboni's love child. I'm afraid that the disaster that is Charles Frozengard may be unavoidable, and is most likely here to stay, despite the many gary's made by the staff.
As far as Heinrich Capeetle - well, this isn't an easy topic to approach. Heinrich was a beloved part of my life for decades. We spent lonely evenings together, took strolls on the beach. We routinely watched the sunrise while fornicating to the sounds of Lionel Richie. Heinrich's departure from my life has left me with a hole in my heart - or my paper bag - that I long to have filled. When I murdered Heinrich this time last week, I decided that engulfing him in flames and laughing manically as he turned to ashes was the right thing for the economy. But now I am left alone, and I will begin seeking a new mate - one to spend the rest of my days with. You will all be informed of the raffle.
And finally, our financial outlook has never been more grim. Without the $7mil US that Frozengard was providing us each year, we have hit the red. And we have hit it hard. I have formed a task force to address our financial struggles and to lead us into the next millennium. Lead by Cleveland Booby and Pal Fimply, this squad will quickly and resolutely put an end to our financial troubles, and leave you, the shareholders, confident in the direction in which this great establishment is headed. Expect updates on this in the near future.
To close - goodbye. "
No comments:
Post a Comment