"The Derrs are here"

"The above quote was taken from the Derr family bible, page 17, paragraph 4, words five-through-eight."

- Sutton T. Sako (mustard 7)

It's a truly-historic day at Edinson TohBackula Stadium as Futto Derr brings his family of nearly 3,700 to "the states" to institute the first-ever Derr/Pigeon Olympics. Durr, 44 in rye bread years, is hoping to have the first Olympics take place before Roscoe Crugg's 67th birthday (November 8th).

Derr (pronounced 'N'Qwan'), who has sneezed out of each of his 4 1/2 noses since this story broke, is said to have ordered 3,680 Derrs to arrive for work duty by the first of May.

The only Derrs who won't be able to attend: Antonio Derr (passed by way of lettuce attack); MeKyle Derr and his goldfish, Ronnie (previous engagements); Janice Derr (left us, rest in garbanzo beans); Yee-Sop Cho Derr (made-up person) and Patty Derr (new center for the Colorado Avalanche).

Buckley wins mayor's race

It was an historic Friday morning as Trevontae-Qwom "Buck" Buckley was declared the winner of the Hey Jerk mayor's race.

Buckley, who was born on the planet Werz-14 and with two noses and one ankle-foot, making him a "sub-Durly" according to the Queh Dictionary, defeated the incumbent, Sh'Hensen Pepano by more than 18,000 votes.

Hey Jerk 2013 Mayor Race

Winner - Buckley, Trevontae-Qwom  18,557 votes
Runner-up - Sh'Hensen Pepano     493
3rd - Little Timmy Tapinsky  340
4th - Zoff  76
5th - Ernie Crugg Jr.  58
6th - Nadine Crugg   57

Write-in votes

The ghost of Herman Puckett - 9
Beckman Goolie  - 7
C. Vanderells Bwon -  4
Mordecai Three-Finger Brown  - 3
Capolo Henderson  - 1
Wayne Tolleson's 1988 Topps baseball card - 1

Von Hammerwitz's tongue out of control

2:55 p.m. LST - Oopstelovich "Oopie" Von Hammerwitz's tongue has threatened several staff members and declared war on a bowl of chocolate chip mint ice cream, according to sources familiar with Ken Corcoran's situation.

Von Hammerwitz, who came to this planet in 1973 with direct orders to assassinate Dr. Emmit Crugg, will be under constant surveillance as Jerk staff attempts to remove the tongue without interrupting any ongoing investigations.

Von Hammerwitz declined comment, though he did marry an ostrich.

Walton C. Crugg: Alive

Walton Confucious Crugg, the latest in a long line of Cruggs that are now deceased, is believed to be one of a handful of Cruggs left on this Earth. He has appointed himself King of the Cruggians, and will reign on Crugg Island and oversee the "restoration of the Crugg population to its previous glory and eventual dictatorship of the Earth."

Crugg



Walton C. was previously unknown, as the last remaining Crugg was thought to have been 'taken care of' several years ago. The existence of additional Cruggs comes as a shock and as a point of interest to Staff President Fat Neck Glenn, who released the following statement through his mule translation architect, Mule Johnson:

" While we are saddened that the reign of the Cruggs seems to be on the precipice of a return, we firmly believe that in due time the Crugg Threat of 2012 will be remembered as a feeble attempt at power, and that the Crugg race simply is not capable of maintaining stability or life for any longer than a few months. Therefore, we choose to take no action against the Cruggians at this time. "

Stay tuned as more Cruggs are sure to "arise."

- Staff Crugg Analyst Bob Feathers

Rare Drawing For Sale

"Dr. Crugg"
Marker on counter top


$200
Email Bob Feathers at bobbyfeathers@gmail.com

Dr. Crugg: DEAD!

To all of the Crugg supporters out there: ITS OVER!



Cause of Death: Gary GaHorry.

Puppitch Makes Statement

SOUTHEAST VORT, 1:39 a.m. - Vort County governor Niles Puppitch held a press conference in his underwear and slippers early Thursday morning, addressing the recent raisin deaths of his cabinet member, Cabinet and rapper and friend of the family, Lil' Peanut.

"Let me start by saying this is truly a sad day for the Puppitch family. My brother, D'Antray, my sister, Vy'troose, our easter egg, Amanda and myself grew up with Cabinet and Lil' Peanut. During the soy sauce storms of '86, they, along with their live-in futon, Randal, took us in and gave us shelter until the storms went over there, to that guy's house (points to a man in the crowd). These raisin deaths, which we think are the mastermind of the evil ghost of Dr. Emile Crugg, will not be tolerated. It is my promise to the great people of....this town, that the raisins will be exterminated. We will live in a homicidal-raisin-free society before the end of this and many millenniums. We will live to see another bus ride to the moon. We will dance shoeless in a sea of orange juice. As long as I am governor, the streets will be filled with gravel, the front lawns filled with front lawn, and the ceilings filled with ceiling stuff. Thank you."

Capolo Builds Car

Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has built his own motor vehicle and named it the "Capolomobile." The 53-year old will now be responsible for driving Mildred Jenniwith to her Thursday evening calligraphy classes, as well as running over any stray Cruggs who may wander into the parking lot.

- Staff correspondent Steven Christensen

"From Dust to Dictatorship" - The Rise, Fall, and Re-Rise of the Crugg Family

They're back.

After the last known Crugg, Poseidon, was wiped off of the earth several months ago, it was believed that the Crugg's were finally extinct. The once prominent Crugg Island was in ruins, and wild antelopes had taken over the land that once housed Rutherford and Grover Crugg.

Yourll Crugg has risen.

"The Crugg Clan has returned - from dust we shall rise to rule this world, to dictate it." - Yourll Crugg

Crugg




While Jerk representatives were immediately dispatched to Feathers Field on Crugg Island to discuss a potential staff position with Yourll, they were quickly turned away by the self-proclaimed "second coming." Crugg noted "I want nothing to do with your evil, corporate America pleasing organization. I will spend the rest of my life not only aspiring for world domination, but infliltrating your 'company' from the inside and destroying it."

This was not the response Jerk reps were looking for. While we may have murdered every other Crugg that ever walked the planet and single-handedly extincted the race, we have nothing but respect for the Crugg clan and wish to make amends. So, if you are reading this Yourll - have your representatives reach out to us for an amenible solution.

Long Live Yourll Crugg!

- Trent B.

On a side note, Crugg is expected to release his first memoir, "Cruggs and Bugs - A Life Shared With Cockroaches" in the coming weeks. Expect it to hit shelves sometime in early June, 2011.

Staff Zebra Hired

Rodney
Age: 5
Experience: Zebra since 2005
Favorite food: Twigs with turkey gravy
Enemies: Sal Pepano, Grover Crugg


* A welcome ceremony to honor Rodney's arrival, originally scheduled for Tuesday, has been cancelled due to lack of cantaloupe

Crugg Family Tree Released

The long lost Crugg Family Tree has been found and released by The Jerk. Groomsmen for the upcoming Glenn-Crugg wedding will encompass all surviving Cruggs whose whereabouts are known.


(Click on photo for enlarged family tree)

Glenn Wedding Party Announced

Mort Glenn, groom




** Coming soon: Crugg bridesmaids **

New Staff Crugg Hire Grover Crugg Suffers Heart Attack

Newly appointed Hey Jerk Staff Crugg Grover Crugg has suffered a massive heart attack. Suffice it to say, we here at the Jerk are not overly shocked at this revelation. However, unlike previous Cruggs, Grover survived the ordeal and will continue with his position that he has now held for over 4 hours.

"No heart attack is gonna sack this Crugg!" - Grover Crugg, 47 minutes ago

Staff Crugg Position Filled

Grover C. Crugg, the father of recently-fired Wallace and the grandfather of recently-assassinated Aaron, has been hired as the new staff Crugg. While he is against the upcoming marriage of his granddaugther, adopted Emily Fortence, Crugg is looking forward to the challenge of being the staff Crugg.

"I may only have one foot, but I could still kick your tookus," he said.


About Grover Crugg



Age: 165
Awards & Honors:

* Won "Best Drip" at the 1955 Nostrils
* Voted "Most Likely to Become a Veterinarian" in 1863 high school year book
* Expelled from veterinarian school for licking too many guinea pigs (May, 1865).

Life history:
December, 1901 - With former wife, Fortence, had first child
June, 1904 - Named child Wallace
August, 1912 - At all-you-can-eat salad bar, found guilty of lettuce evasion.
January, 1913 through May, 1931 - Away fighting in the 1st Many Cruggs War.
October, 1934 - Married traffic school sweetheart, Diane.
January, 1935 - Divorced
May, 1936 through November, 1948 - Away fighting in the 2nd Many Cruggs War. Comes home with four toe nails of honor and a turquoise fork for bravery.
February, 1951 - Bought second child, Vernon at a swap meet for $11.
March, 1951 - Traded Vernon for a postage stamp. Mailed subscription payment for Crugg Family Newsletter.
December, 1958 - During family Christmas party, brother Ernst climbs into washing machine and is never heard from again.
January, 1959-March, 1986 - whereabouts unknown
April, 1986 - Had left leg sawed off
July, 1986-November, 2009 - Plays Danny in the hit television show Growing up Foreheadless
January, 2010 - Disapproves of adopted granddaughter Emily's marriage to Mort Glenn, promising to "ruin the wedding in a horrific and gruesome way."

Crugg-Glenn Wedding Planned for February

Mort Glenn


Emily Fortence

New Staff Crugg Hire Crugg Jr. Dead, Despite Bodyguard Hires

Aaron Crugg Jr. has been murdered, despite his hires of bodyguards to prevent it. Crugg set a new record for shortest time employed by the Jerk at 4 minutes, 13 seconds. It is believed that his bodyguards were not effective due to the fact that they were ants.

Crugg Jr., like his father, will not be missed.

Crugg Hired as Staff Crugg, Hopes to Avoid Death

The exhaustive search for the newest Hey Jerk staff member has ended. Aaron Crugg was named Staff Crugg in a press conference held in his underwear, Thursday afternoon. Crugg, the son of former disgraced staff doctor Warren C. Crugg, recently held a similar post at the controversial blog www.thingsincruggsear.com.

"I'm here to avenge my father's untimely dismissal and apparent caterpillar overdose-death," said Crugg, who was wearing blue polka dot briefs with little canaries on the left buttocks. "I'm going to bring honor and chili back to the Crugg name. And, hopefully, I won't be gunned down in cold blood before I can complete my first day on the job."

Crugg said he has hired additional bodyguards to protect him from the unidentified assassins that have plagued the Hey Jerk headquarters since the blog's inception in November, 2009.