Quah Dead

Former staff model Eddie Quah was killed by a falling potato Thursday morning, according to a slab of butter with knowledge of the situation.

Quah (Dead)



The potato fell nearly four stories and instantly killed Quah, named the ugliest staff member by a panel of roosters. It is not known at this time who dropped the potato, but the smart toenails are on staff editor Capolo.

- Staff Loser Chung Fonway

Mass Hiring - A First For The Jerk

In a surprising move, Fat Neck Glenn has made the Jerk's first Mass Hiring. Mass Slayings have become the norm around blog HQ, but never a Mass Hire. That all changes, and it changes now.


Oboe Jones - Staff Orchestra


Teddy Pinecone - Staff Tree


Chung Fonway - Staff Dead Person/Staff Loser


Winnegar O'Schmallfoot - Staff Youngster


Eddie Quah - Staff Model


Please join us in welcoming these valuable new members to the staff of The Jerk on this momentous day in Jerk history!

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons-Sanchules

Gus Rainbow Makes Name, Kills Last Known Sanchules

In a heroic moment for The Jerk, the Rainbow clan, and all of humanity, Gus Rainbow killed off the last known Sanchules - Todd Sanchules. The method of slaying is unknown at this time, but initial inspection of the Sanchules body indicates that it involved a cleaver and some Murray Rainbow urine.

Sanchules (Dead)


Sanchules, after being hired on as Staff Court System Leader, did absolutely nothing in his months on staff. Keeping with Hey Jerk tradition, he sat around, rarely showed for work, and used the HQ toilets extensively. His most remembered act will be clogging the 3rd stall of the 4C lavatory with a recently killed Didier.

Sanchules will not be remembered, and no funeral will be planned. His remains will be served in the cafeteria on Thursday during regular lunch hours.

- Beau Fimmons-Sanchules

Garyson Dead

Gary Garyson
1772-2010

Cause of death: carpet overdose
Funeral service: N/A

Frozengard Bobblehead Dolls Now Available

Call Eddie Quah to order at 555-0001.

Vonshai Sanchules Live Blog

1:14 p.m. - Loses eyes in a watermelon fight

1:16 p.m. - Marries a dandelion, Martha

1:19 p.m. - Casted as the lead in the upcoming Thinway production of A Sanchules Divided

1:21 p.m. - While rehearsing lines, falls into a pool of ketchup

1:22 p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool

1:25 p.m. - Divorces Martha

1:28 p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple's son, Toaster

1:30 p.m. - Kidnapped

1:36 p.m. - Kidnapper revealed as Vonshai's mother-in-law, Lemma



3:11 p.m. - Vonshai returned; missing five toe nails

3:14 p.m. - Eats entire tub of mayonnaise

3:18 p.m. - Befriends a mailbox flag

3:27 p.m. - Enters into 2010 Poo Fling

3:30 p.m. - Disqualified from Poo Fling after a video tape surfaces of a 1997 No Wipe

3:34 p.m. - Vonshai overdoses on Chuck Frozengard bobblehead dolls; dies

Another Rainbow on Board

Gus Rainbow, cousin of Murray Rainbow and mother of Oscar Rainbow, has been brought on board. Gus will take on the role of Staff Rainbow Sock Cleaner, something he has been responsible on a personal level for for over 100 years.

G. Rainbow



Note to other staff members: Please do not attempt to use Mr. Rainbow as your personal sock cleaner - he is solely responsible for the socks of editor Oscar Rainbow.

- Staff Quigley DonDon Quigley

O'Schmallfoot: Dead

Former Fimply Interpreter Shonson O'Schmallfoot died Monday afternoon. No details were given as to the cause of the death, but no one asked for any. Instead of a proper burial and funeral service, O'Schmallfoot was just pushed into the Glenn Ocean.

Quintera Loses Nose

Quintera

Another Hangy Hired

One day after the hiring of Staff Anal Cavity Peopull Hangy, a new Hangy has been hired. Hongee Hangy (unrelated to Peopull) has been hired on as Staff Chimp.

Hangy



Hangy will be responsible for all chimp and monkey related matters, as well as the laundry.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Clintman Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Clink Clintman as Staff Clintman. Clintman, the younger brother of Staff Clint Clint Clintman, was happy to be joining his sibling at the Jerk.

"I'm teaming up with my brother and we're going to take out a few families around here," Clintman said. "Starting with the Pocks and the Qwoggmans."

Peopull Hangy Hired

Hangy will take on the role of Staff Anal Cavity. Peopull's responsibilities will include cleaning, bathing, and smelling anal cavities around blog HQ, as well as inspecting mail order doodies.

Hangy

- Ed Xomcheese

Jennington Shirts Now Available

$25
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order yours today

Oldest Living Fonchonski Eaten

XAVIER CITY - Staff Didier Hunter Plooble Fonchonski was eaten by a mountain lion Friday morning.

"Every day (Fonchonski) sprinkled salt, pepper and other spices onto his person," said HJ Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn. "He deserved to be eaten."

Maybee Photo Surfaces

This photograph of Staff Maybe Man Arnold Maybee was delivered anonymously to Hey Jerk headquarters Thursday. Maybee, 63, had been a recluse and had refused to be photographed since his March, 2010 hire. It's not clear when the photo was taken or if others exist, but Jerk leader Fat Neck Glenn released a statement:

"[not suitable for caterpillars]"

Glenn Makes Shocking Hire

Fat Neck Glenn, Staff Leader, has made a shocking hire, bringing on Olin Pock to be Assistant to the Glenn.

Pock


"There's just too much work to do for one leader around here, and I knew that Pock was available," said Glenn.

Pock, recently fired by rival blog Fonchonski.blogspot.com, has a long history of being horrifying looking, and of upper-decking staff toilets. Reaction from the staff was not positive.

"This guy is terrifying" said Fido Didier.

"I hate Pocks" said Plooble Fonchonski.

Regardless, Pock is now on staff as Assistant to the Leader. Please join us in welcoming Olin.

- Staff Olin Pock, Olin Pock

Frozengard Fired

Hey Jerk has announced the firing of hobo Chuck Frozengard. Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn said Frozengard was let go "for stealing office supplies and inciting more than three brussel sprout fights within a calendar year."

Frozengard will remain on payroll for the remainder of the year until he can pay back the thousands of dollars, and dozens of raccoon feet he owes the blog.

A new hobo had not been announced at press time.

Finally, Jerk Hires a Staff Boxer

After minutes of searching, The Jerk has hired a Staff Boxer - Vump Qwoggman.

Qwoggman


While it is not known why the Jerk believed that a Staff Boxer was needed, Qwoggman did provide a bio upon his hire.

Name: Vumpson Oscar Qwoggman
DOB: 1876
Height: Unknown
Weight: 476 lbs.
Tattoo: Capolo, Left Arm
Spouse: Murray Rainbow
Fecal: Brown, Spotted
Education: Rainbow College of The Fecal Arts - Graduated with Doody - March, 1912
Comments: Career boxing record of 1-612; Only known victory was by FKO (Fecal Knock Out) over recently deceased Rutherford Crugg)

Please join the staff in welcoming Vump Qwoggman.

- Staff elephant Olin Pock

Queh Dies in Queh Fire

Staff Instructor Willy Queh died in a Queh fire early Sunday, according to a carrot stick with knowledge of the situation. Queh is the 11th member of his family to perish in a family-related fire in the past three weeks. No one at Hey Jerk liked Queh and he'll be replaced swiftly and his memory will be wiped clean, electronically, from the memories of all staff members.

Tuftberry Finally Dead

Clifton Tuftberry
2010-2010

Frompley Makes Second Hire in Less Than a Day

Reggie Frompley has done it again. Not even 24 hours into his new gig as Staff CEO, Frompley announced the second hire of his regime, former Staff Cabbage Man Nedkey Bopoo.

Bopoo


Bopoo will instead take over as new Staff Aschermann, according to Staff Aschermann correspondent Mooshckin Giles.

Please join us in welcoming Nedkey Bopoo to our staff.

Jerk Names Poopette as Game One Starter

In anticipation of its first softball game, Hey Jerk has announced Ladondae Poopette will start the season opener. Poopette, an 8-6, 410-pound right-hander, went 2-14 with a 10.37 ERA for the 2009 Doos, a Qwekinger County team in the Independent FeCal League.

"I'm honored to play for the Jerk softball team. I just hope they can actually put a schedule together and find a field to play on," said Poopette.


Poopette

Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard, already on probation after a Monday incident with an earthworm, will slide into the No. 2 spot in the rotation. His comments before Wednesday's morning practice suggested a rift between the 42-year old and management.

"I was supposed to be the opening day starter," Frozengard said. "I think it's an insult that this Poopette youngster just signs a seven-potato contract and gets my spot in the rotation. They'll hear from my lawyer, Bobby, the canary that lives in my shoe."

Rainbow Hired

Murray Rainbow, great uncle of Oscar Rainbow and of no relation to Jesper Rainbow, has been hired, according to new Staff CEO Reggie Frompley. Rainbow will serve as Staff Assistant to Oscar Rainbow.

Murray Rainbow


Rainbow was excited about his appointment, as he has never been employed prior to now in his life.

"I'm gonna assist that man, with his financials, with his deadlines, and with his poo rocks!" stated Rainbow upon entry to his office in the 14th floor urinal closet.

- Staff Correspondent Poopot Jones

Staff CEO Replacement Hired

Reggie Frompley, husband of deceased former Staff Meteorologist Rocco Frompley, has been hired on as Staff CEO by Fat Neck Glenn.

Frompley


Bio

Name: Reginald Warren Frompley IV
DOB: 1/4/0
Height: 6"
Weight: Undisclosed
Marital Status: Gay
Facial Hair: Green
Criminal Background: Refusal to pilfer apricots - 4 counts, January 2001; Public nudity - 15 counts, yesterday; Attempting to bribe a streetside sausage and pepper vendor - 4,236 counts, Jan. '01 through present
Education: None
Prior Experience: Glenn family cheek scrubber - Fall, 1986. Released for refusal to scrub left cheeks, November, 1986.

Please join us in welcoming Reggie Frompley to our staff as CEO. His vast experience will surely bring this blog back to the top of the industry.

- Poopot Jones

Pompelios Didier'ed

Cotton and Rockwhay Pompelio have been Didier'ed, according to newly hired Fido Didier.

"I gave em the old one-two-didier, so you won't be hearing from them again, unless you believe in reincarnation" said Fido.

Pompelios (Dead)


Such ends a pathetic reign for the Pompelios as CEO and Assistant to the CEO, during which they left four doody marks on the 3rd stall from the left in the 4th floor mens lavaratory, but little else. At this time, staff members will meet and come to a vote as to who the next CEO here at the Jerk will be. Early polling has an O'Schmallfoot with a nearly insurmountable lead.

- Staff Poo Man Poopot Jones

One Didier Perishes, Another Arrives: The Didier Machine Strikes Again

In typical Didier Machine Fashion, a new Didier was produced early this morning, just a few days after Tifko Didier was found dead in a urinal at Hey Jerk HQ. This disturbing news of course lead to the hire of said Didier - Fido.

"My name's Fido Didier - and Im gonna do things in the toilet around here!"

That was all Fido had to say on his hire as Staff Didier Machine Operator.

Fido Didier


In addition to being hired, Fido also wanted to let fellow staff members and readers know that he does not wear pants - ever.

" I don't wear pants."

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Didier to the staff, even if his existence may only last a few days. More Didiers to come.

- Staff Didier Man Beau Fimmons

Ossining Perishes

QWEKINGER COUNTY - Former Staff Clyde Randy Ossining died of staple overdose early Sunday, according to Qwekinger East police chief Harlin Fugg. Ossining's diary was found on the scene and the book contained several passages warning of a possible staple binge, including page 5: "I'm going to eat a lot of staples and I don't care what happens to me", and page 11: "Just got a new staple remover, headed to the abandoned office building."

A stapler in the Hey Jerk break room refused comment.

Ossining is believed to be the last of his kind as the blog's research staff had no luck in locating any family members.

Didier's Life Ends

Hey Jerk correspondent Mic Ruso has reported the death of Tifko Didier.



Tifko, who was Staff Bob Blompton for a record 14 days, was believed to be the last remaining Didier. Cause of death is egg-related, according to an omelet with knowledge of the situation.

Jesper Rainbow Arrested

In breaking Hey Jerk news, Jesper Rainbow has been arrested on 14 counts of public nudity and one count of soliciting armadillo prostitution.

" I did it." said Rainbow.

Hey Jerk Jail



Hey Jerk king Fat Neck Glenn, suprised by the growing flock of staff members to be thrown in prison, is thinking of expanding the cell to accommodate more inmates.

"Bunch of weirdos around here, especially those Rainbows. Something needs to be done." said Glenn.

- Staff Jail Correspondent Feau Bimmons

Clintman Hired

Hey Jerk has filled the Staff Clint position by hiring longtime Clint, Clint Clintman. The 47-year old has been clinting for more than two decades and served as Staff Clint for rival blogs CSLO and Fonchonski.

Clintman brought with him longtime assistant, Roger, a miniature dolphin that lives in his naval.