July 5, 2010

Ossining Perishes



QWEKINGER COUNTY - Former Staff Clyde Randy Ossining died of staple overdose early Sunday, according to Qwekinger East police chief Harlin Fugg. Ossining's diary was found on the scene and the book contained several passages warning of a possible staple binge, including page 5: "I'm going to eat a lot of staples and I don't care what happens to me", and page 11: "Just got a new staple remover, headed to the abandoned office building."

A stapler in the Hey Jerk break room refused comment.

Ossining is believed to be the last of his kind as the blog's research staff had no luck in locating any family members.

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