Oberman Issues New Threat, Now On the Lam

Ross Oberman, recent death threat initiator, issued a new threat this morning through his walrus, Fronk.

"I am expanding my murderous ways to that of the entire country of Switzerland. No longer will the Swiss take advantage of Obermans in Europe (OiE). Our conglomeration will eliminate the entire country, and feed it to our new slave, Oscar Rainbow. The Swiss population has had their time in the Gary, and now it is time for them to release their bowels into a toilet located at the Oberman Complex for the Criminally Gary. There they will remain until we decide on the most efficient way to mass-eliminate the entire population in the Oberman Chamber."

Oberman Poster


Please contact Sheriff Daquaggo Alfonte with any tips that could lead to Obermans arrest.

Woolitz Missing

Breaking news from Hey Jerk headquarters as Boris Woolitz, former translator for the Puppitch family and vice president of the Venning County chapter of the Danny Devito Fan Club, has gone missing. We'll stay with this story as long as the refrigerator remains stocked with dandelions.

- Correspondent Maurice Ruso

Oberman Issues Death Threat

After not getting the staff doo doo job early Monday, Ross Oberman responded the only way he knows how: by delivering a haunting death threat to no one in particular. The Jerk has obtained the threat and here it is in-full:

Let me start by saying that Capolo Henderson better watch his step because I'm coming after him with everything I have: a carpet sample and a plate of scrambled eggs. After Henderson I go office to office at Hey Jerk headquarters taking out every staff member who gave me lip. Now I transition into third person for those who remember my days as Eyebrows the Clown. Ross Oberman is not going to take this kind of treatment. He's a man who came to this country with a dream to one day be a staff doo doo man for an up and coming, internationally-renowned blog. That dream was dashed this morning when he interviewed for the position and had his pants pulled down and had his winkis laughed at. Well now it's time for Ross Oberman to get his revenge. He will not stop until everyone is eliminated. That includes Harvey Pershack. He'll get in a single-engine plane and rain newborn cats onto the townspeople if that's what it takes. He'll even tinkle on Sarah Vernon if that's what it's going to take for people to realize Ross Oberman means business. And business doesn't start with a B in Ross Oberman's world. It starts with an H. Think about that before you think about this: Ross Oberman will pour boiling hot soup on Oscar Rainbow's head. He'll take Feathers and Estelle and bury them in mud. Then when the mud guy comes by for his weekly pick up: a couple of mud people for the museum. This is Ross Oberman's first and only warning: beware of Ross Oberman because he's not stopping until everyone is speaking German.


[Source: The Ross Oberman Files]

Ross Oberman - Didn't Get the Job

rossoberman: "My name is Ross Oberman

capolo: hi ross, weve been over this - no need for the quotation marks

rossoberman: check your attitude before your attitude gets in a car wreck

i think that's the expression

capolo: ok I have no idea what you are talking about ross

would you like an interview?

rossoberman: i'd like to interview for the open position, yes

capolo: we've got staff doo doo

rossoberman: pass

what else?

capolo: only other position we have is staff penis

rossoberman: interesting

i'll go for staff doo doo

capolo: great!

experience? muffins?

ross? are you alive?

rossoberman: you'll have to excuse me

i'm making soup and it's quite a process

can we begin please?

capolo: do you have any experience??

rossoberman: as a doo doo?

capolo: yeah!

rossoberman: in 1993 i was turned into a doo doo by chemist Dr. Mick Mandrich. single-handily won Paraguay the olympic games

capolo: can you explain that?

rossoberman: no

i'm not here to explain things

capolo: ross!

rossoberman: yes?

capolo: any other experience

rossoberman: my name is Ross Oberman you know

capolo: thought you had died, but I guess not

that isn't a real name

let smove on

rossoberman: you're right, it isn't

capolo: do you have any other experience sir?

rossoberman: 1998-2007 i worked at a mcdonalds restaurant

mcdonalds

capolo: how did that end?

rossoberman: and i was the greatest employee that ever lived. single-handedly won Germany the olympic games

capolo: hold on ross

rossoberman: was fired in 2007 for starting too many fry grease fires

capolo: how many olympic games have you won and with how many different countries?

rossoberman: and murdering a salamander

but that got thrown out of court

capolo: knew there was a murder in there

ok ross, lets move on

criminal history?

rossoberman: murdered a salamander in 2007 - acquitted on all charges

stole a house in 2009

still on the run from the authorities

capolo: stole a house?

rossoberman: sure did

and i'll steal your house!

capolo: ross, take it easy

rossoberman: that was uncalled for, i apologize

capolo: education?

rossoberman: i graduated from Yale in 1973 with a degree in shlumming

capolo: what does that mean

rossoberman: single-handily lost Mexico the olympic games

capolo: ROSS!

family history please

rossoberman: that's all i can say while the court case is still ongoing

capolo: family history!

yes

rossoberman: my father Zernick died in Viet Nam

not in the war, he visited Viet Nam in 2003 and got hit by a bus

and the bus wasn't moving, he just ran into it

that's just a good bowl of soup!

capolo: ok ross, im not sure that you are a fit for us

in fact, stay where you are please

rossoberman: ok, stay where i am and then what happens? a clown comes?

i don't understand

can we continue the interview please?

capolo: no, its over

rossoberman: oh ok great

i'll start last Wednesday if you need me to

capolo: you didnt get the job

rossoberman: that's too bad, because i DID get the job

you're right it doesn't

capolo: thats it ross - go away now

rossoberman: but to be completely honest, i haven't made any sense since 1997

capolo: what happened in 97?

rossoberman: that's when i took acid for the first time

things are different since then

capolo: alright ross, thats enough

rossoberman: alright

capolo: please find me someone else to speak with now

Jerk Hires Red-Hot DC

The Jerk has announced a blockbuster hiring as Vic Shealy has been brought on as staff defensive coordinator. Shealy, formerly the coordinator at Kansas University, was left in the middle of a mud field after his defense allowed 1,400 yards to Georgia Tech in a loss Saturday.

"We had a game plan and we executed it," Shealy said of Kansas' 103-19 loss. "I thought we put together an excellent performance, but as we were boarding the plane, ready to head back to Lawrence (Kansas) for a post-game celebration and potato fight, all of a sudden the rest of the team is on the plane and I'm nude in the corner of the airport. A lady named Millie took me in and gave me a graham cracker, sent me on my way. Anyway, I'm looking forward to this opportunity with Hey Jerk. That Frozengard youngster has serious odor problems and I'm looking forward to teaching him the 3-4 defense and showing him how to clean up a wide receiver's underpants."

The Jerk has also brought on several former Kansas defensive backs, who Shealy described as "the guys you want to find apple cores with". Shealy is expected to start soon, pending a rhinoceros physical.

Puppitch Family Arrives

After Niles Puppitch passed away earlier this morning from a Gary overdose, the Puppitches decided that it was time. They announced their intention to "arrive" this morning, and are scheduled to land at HQ at 6 PM GST. The Puppitches arive from the Planet Gwombus, and are Gwombosians.

Puppitch Family Leader, Douglas Puppitch


The Puppitches, who speak Puppitch, will be translated for us through their loyal interpreter, 6.

6



The Puppitches plan on making a formal announcement, but for now we will detail their family bio.

Puppitch Family Bio

Name: Puppitch
Leader: Douglas "Thin Toe" Puppitch, Al
Origins: Unknown, but most likely the Sun
Current Residence: Gwombus
Feet: yes
Dinkus: no
Other Family Members: Lil Tim, Paul, Perry, Sal Delmonico, Gary
Females: do not exist
Trademark: peanut butter filled anus
Comments: enjoy human elbows, dislike derwood morris

- Staff Puppitch Correspondent Gus Gary

Puppitch Makes Statement

SOUTHEAST VORT, 1:39 a.m. - Vort County governor Niles Puppitch held a press conference in his underwear and slippers early Thursday morning, addressing the recent raisin deaths of his cabinet member, Cabinet and rapper and friend of the family, Lil' Peanut.

"Let me start by saying this is truly a sad day for the Puppitch family. My brother, D'Antray, my sister, Vy'troose, our easter egg, Amanda and myself grew up with Cabinet and Lil' Peanut. During the soy sauce storms of '86, they, along with their live-in futon, Randal, took us in and gave us shelter until the storms went over there, to that guy's house (points to a man in the crowd). These raisin deaths, which we think are the mastermind of the evil ghost of Dr. Emile Crugg, will not be tolerated. It is my promise to the great people of....this town, that the raisins will be exterminated. We will live in a homicidal-raisin-free society before the end of this and many millenniums. We will live to see another bus ride to the moon. We will dance shoeless in a sea of orange juice. As long as I am governor, the streets will be filled with gravel, the front lawns filled with front lawn, and the ceilings filled with ceiling stuff. Thank you."

Meet Darryl Fonkowitz

He's Back for Season 2!

7 people worldwide are thrilled and have set their TIVO boxes to "Doody" in preparation for the premiere.

- Staff Berkus Correspondent Gatfeld Humphrey

Marvin Piso Interview

The following is a transcript of editor Oscar Rainbow's interview with famed goldfish whisperer Marvin Piso.


marvin.piso: hello
rainbow: marvin, nice to hear from you. we were supposed to interview for this position on two other occasions, but instead, there were unfortunate incidents
marvin.piso: well, the first one was out of my control, you know that harry. the second one, yes, i should have worn underpants
rainbow: don't call me harry, and you should have, yes. but that's in the past. just a few minutes ago, sure, but still-in the past. let's start the interview
marvin.piso: fine, let's start the interview
rainbow: first, drop the attitude off at Attitudetown
marvin.piso: I don't know where that is
rainbow: it's over there. population: you and a guy named tony
marvin.piso: fine, can we begin please?
rainbow: we can. what is your work experience, glenn? is it ok if i call you glenn?
marvin.piso: no, it is certainly not ok. my name is marvin, and what position am i interviewing for?
rainbow: the only position we have available is Staff Avocado
marvin.piso: fine
rainbow: you're the ideal candidate
marvin.piso: ate an avocado in '88, threw it up
rainbow: ok, great, then what happened?
marvin.piso: nothing, move on quickly
rainbow: well, if you're going to take the staff avocado position, we're going to need you to be here bright and early every morning for hair and makeup
marvin.piso: hair and makeup?
rainbow: it's going to take a real commitment from you and your family. it's all in the introduction packet
marvin.piso: dont involve Gary Jr. in this discussion. and there was no packet
rainbow: there will be a packet. Gary Jr.? is that your son?
marvin.piso: he lives with me, yes
rainbow: ok, well this is awkward. we can't hire anyone with a relative named Gary. so either change his name or get rid of him
marvin.piso: he isn't a relative, he cleans my feet
rainbow: no relation? fine. we have a foot cleaner on staff, so, no problem there
marvin.piso: great. move on
rainbow: stop telling me to move on, that should be first on your list.
marvin piso: i don't have a list.
rainbow: make a list.
marvin piso: done.
rainbow: second on the list: take off my pants and put on your own pants
marvin piso: i'm sorry, i can't do that. do you have any education?
rainbow: 1991-2008 attended Stanford. was shot in the right shoulder with a bow and arrow, may, 2008. never heard from again
marvin.piso: great. any experience?
rainbow: experience with what? a bow and arrow?
marvin.piso: with being a staff avocado, this is an interview
rainbow: i understand that. i was staff avocado for influential blogs throughout the decade of the 1990s
marvin.piso: wait, you are supposed to be interviewing me, harry
rainbow: you know what, you may be on to something
marvin.piso: oh, I'm on to something alright
rainbow: well, should you be the staff avocado or should i?
marvin.piso: i'm not following
rainbow: the staff avocado position, should we avocado, asparagus, scissors for it? note: i always pick asparagus
marvin.piso: HARRY! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
rainbow: who is Harry? because it isn't me
marvin.piso: who are you?
rainbow: you've been calling me Harry for years and i'm tired of it
marvin.piso: i was told you were harry by a guy named harry
rainbow: i'm marvin piso, aren't i?
marvin.piso: no thats me
rainbow: ok, well i need to take a minute, check the inside of my undershirt
marvin.piso: go in the corner, Burt and take a deep breath
rainbow: i don't take deep breaths. that's illegal in my country
marvin.piso: what country would that be
rainbow: i'm not going to answer that question in this economy. let's continue with the interview please. any fast food experience?
marvin.piso: Subway. sandwich engineer from 1997-1997
rainbow: so, 1997? the word "engineer" isn't necessary, obviously. you made sandwiches
marvin.piso: SANDWICH ENGINEER
rainbow: back off capital letter avenue, and take a stroll down lower case lane
marvin.piso: ill disregard that last sentence. so, yes, in 1997 I worked there
rainbow: and you got fired i'm assuming? how did it happen?
marvin.piso: well, lets just say I had a no oswald policy and an oswald walked in
rainbow: i understand. well, marvin, you're not hired. i'm terribly sorry. please leave your galoshes and mayo hose at the front door and get at least 1,000 feet away from the headquarters building immediately
marvin.piso: i'm not at headquarters, i'm there.
rainbow: perfect, stay there.
marvin.piso: fine. i hope you understand that based on this interview we could never hire you.
rainbow: i accept your decision, now please, can you get down from my shoulders?

RE: The Gary Population

Over the last several decades, a lot has been said in the Russo Times and other publications about the overflow of Garys and the possibility of a Gary Population Explosion (G.P.E.) by the end of the new millennium. The editors at the Jerk have obtained documents from two southern states in these United States of America to help shed some light on Gary invasions and the possible spike in Gary-related kitchen utensils by the year 2075.

Here are two such reports-an email plea from a distinguished Belfonte from the state of South Carolina and a letter from a Puppitch in the state of Georgia:



Hi,

My name is Daquaggo Belfonte and I'm emailing you with concern about the study I recently conducted on increased Gary activity in the state of South Carolina. After 12 weeks of research, we found that Garys worldwide were flocking to the state with wreckless abandon, sometimes even bringing along Lennys or Phils. At most recent count, we had over 4,000,000 Garys in Central South Carolina and rising. Obviously, an established society stands no chance of prospering in such a situation and will most likely meet its demise within months.

I'm hoping that you can provide some guidance on the Gary problem that I have uncovered with the hopes of saving many lives, and, perhaps these United States of America.


Sincerely,
Daquaggo Belfonte



Good evening,

I am Nuddles Puppitch, head of Harrys and Barrys throughout the southeastern United States. As our studies have shown, not a significant enough Gary population growth has occurred to warrant any further investigation. There was a guy named Gary who came into the deli for a roast beef sandwich on rye, but he was turned away for his stance on P.I.D. (pants in a deli). As for the Gary who stormed the courthouse steps in the summer of '88, that matter is best left to the very courts with which he soiled his dungarees upon.

I now consider the matter Boris.


Then,
N. Puppitch, May 8, 2003

Tuesday Morning Auction

Today we have an autographed original of Cletus Busby handwritten directions. This item is hot, so make your offer ASAP. Bids begin at $4,000.



Please send all offers, along with a urinal cake, to oscarrainbow@gmail.com.


- Staff Auctioneer Chester Allamawadoo

Report: Klevinson Headed to the Sun

Groober City - Former staff orange Donald Klevinson has reportedly boarded a porpoise to the sun "completing a ten-year mission that began with the first worldwide bagel war," according to Klevinson's family lawyer, Loi Yer. Klevinson is planning on full-scale changes for the sun, including making it less sunny and providing more raisins.

Klevinson's family-Ollie (mailbox), Deloris (wife-in-law) and mailbox flag (Glenn Jr.) refused comment, choosing instead to plead the Pinecone Amendment.


- Correspondent Za'Quan Beverly

Friday Night Cancellations

Softball

* Team 4 at Bert's Bakery - ppd, mayonnaise shortage. No makeup date rescheduled
* 4th Street Adult Novelties at Team Green - ppd, rain. Doubleheader: September 10, 1:30 p.m.

Vigils

* Almond Butterfield prayer service - moved to Bleecher Ave. Baptist Church, 7:00 p.m.
* Can of tomato sauce - 6:00 p.m. at Qwogg City Ballroom

Drawing Contest Winner Chosen

Out of over four entries, Hey Jerk editors have chosen a winner for our first-ever Drawing Contest.

Congratulations to Tiffany Mertz, age 6, for her drawing entitled "Capolo's Hair is Smelly."




Tiffany wins the grand prize of a talking elephant named Marty and six graham crackers.

Cast List for New Film Announced

The cast for the upcoming film, Three Sunflower Seeds 'Till Broadway, has been announced.


Max Berzley as Father Joseph "Backstage" McCrary
Almond Butterfield as the dying buffalo
Vanessa L'Shon as Professor Donaldson/Biker Peggy
Mick Ruso as the singing dandelion
Stefan Silvestri-Christensen as avocado salesman Len Lersher
Zygitt-9 as the ghost of Cleveland Booby
Capolo Henderson as Cal Naughton Jr.
Oscar Rainbow III. as Wendell Fonchonski
Claude & Tatiana Dandridge as The Dandridges
Zizz-45 as the clapping pancake
Shin-Sei Cho as Daniel Laruso
Dottie Pepper as the curling iron that could

and introducing:

Barbara Piso-Rainbow as Heather the Bunny Whisperer