SOUTHEAST VORT, 1:39 a.m. - Vort County governor Niles Puppitch held a press conference in his underwear and slippers early Thursday morning, addressing the recent raisin deaths of his cabinet member, Cabinet and rapper and friend of the family, Lil' Peanut.
"Let me start by saying this is truly a sad day for the Puppitch family. My brother, D'Antray, my sister, Vy'troose, our easter egg, Amanda and myself grew up with Cabinet and Lil' Peanut. During the soy sauce storms of '86, they, along with their live-in futon, Randal, took us in and gave us shelter until the storms went over there, to that guy's house (points to a man in the crowd). These raisin deaths, which we think are the mastermind of the evil ghost of Dr. Emile Crugg, will not be tolerated. It is my promise to the great people of....this town, that the raisins will be exterminated. We will live in a homicidal-raisin-free society before the end of this and many millenniums. We will live to see another bus ride to the moon. We will dance shoeless in a sea of orange juice. As long as I am governor, the streets will be filled with gravel, the front lawns filled with front lawn, and the ceilings filled with ceiling stuff. Thank you."
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