RE: The Gary Population

Over the last several decades, a lot has been said in the Russo Times and other publications about the overflow of Garys and the possibility of a Gary Population Explosion (G.P.E.) by the end of the new millennium. The editors at the Jerk have obtained documents from two southern states in these United States of America to help shed some light on Gary invasions and the possible spike in Gary-related kitchen utensils by the year 2075.

Here are two such reports-an email plea from a distinguished Belfonte from the state of South Carolina and a letter from a Puppitch in the state of Georgia:



Hi,

My name is Daquaggo Belfonte and I'm emailing you with concern about the study I recently conducted on increased Gary activity in the state of South Carolina. After 12 weeks of research, we found that Garys worldwide were flocking to the state with wreckless abandon, sometimes even bringing along Lennys or Phils. At most recent count, we had over 4,000,000 Garys in Central South Carolina and rising. Obviously, an established society stands no chance of prospering in such a situation and will most likely meet its demise within months.

I'm hoping that you can provide some guidance on the Gary problem that I have uncovered with the hopes of saving many lives, and, perhaps these United States of America.


Sincerely,
Daquaggo Belfonte



Good evening,

I am Nuddles Puppitch, head of Harrys and Barrys throughout the southeastern United States. As our studies have shown, not a significant enough Gary population growth has occurred to warrant any further investigation. There was a guy named Gary who came into the deli for a roast beef sandwich on rye, but he was turned away for his stance on P.I.D. (pants in a deli). As for the Gary who stormed the courthouse steps in the summer of '88, that matter is best left to the very courts with which he soiled his dungarees upon.

I now consider the matter Boris.


Then,
N. Puppitch, May 8, 2003

Gary News - 3/7/11

Here's the latest Gary news:


* Garyday has been approved. It will start at roughly 10:00 p.m. GST Sunday night and last until approximately 3:00 a.m. GST Monday morning. During that time, Garys may atone for their sins as well as purchase pool equipment. Unfortunately, during this five-hour period, Garys are also accustomed to religious persecution and must be heavily-guarded at all times. (Note: use the Gary flares in case of emergency).

* The March, 2011 issue of Gary Monthly is now available on newsstands. Some of the items in the latest issue:

- Where can I find a Gary? Dating tips for the woman on the go.
- Gary Recipe of the Month: Gary Soup with Mushrooms.
- Pleasant Times theme park has announced the opening of Gary Mountain. Our editor gets an inside look at the new ride.

* Gary obituaries include Professor Gary Tomjanovich, who taught Noodle Studies at Gary University & Cafeteria, and professional wrestler The Gary.


- Oz Sock