After not getting the staff doo doo job early Monday, Ross Oberman responded the only way he knows how: by delivering a haunting death threat to no one in particular. The Jerk has obtained the threat and here it is in-full:
Let me start by saying that Capolo Henderson better watch his step because I'm coming after him with everything I have: a carpet sample and a plate of scrambled eggs. After Henderson I go office to office at Hey Jerk headquarters taking out every staff member who gave me lip. Now I transition into third person for those who remember my days as Eyebrows the Clown. Ross Oberman is not going to take this kind of treatment. He's a man who came to this country with a dream to one day be a staff doo doo man for an up and coming, internationally-renowned blog. That dream was dashed this morning when he interviewed for the position and had his pants pulled down and had his winkis laughed at. Well now it's time for Ross Oberman to get his revenge. He will not stop until everyone is eliminated. That includes Harvey Pershack. He'll get in a single-engine plane and rain newborn cats onto the townspeople if that's what it takes. He'll even tinkle on Sarah Vernon if that's what it's going to take for people to realize Ross Oberman means business. And business doesn't start with a B in Ross Oberman's world. It starts with an H. Think about that before you think about this: Ross Oberman will pour boiling hot soup on Oscar Rainbow's head. He'll take Feathers and Estelle and bury them in mud. Then when the mud guy comes by for his weekly pick up: a couple of mud people for the museum. This is Ross Oberman's first and only warning: beware of Ross Oberman because he's not stopping until everyone is speaking German.
[Source: The Ross Oberman Files]
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