capolo: hi ross, weve been over this - no need for the quotation marks
rossoberman: check your attitude before your attitude gets in a car wreck
i think that's the expression
capolo: ok I have no idea what you are talking about ross
would you like an interview?
rossoberman: i'd like to interview for the open position, yes
capolo: we've got staff doo doo
rossoberman: pass
what else?
capolo: only other position we have is staff penis
rossoberman: interesting
i'll go for staff doo doo
capolo: great!
experience? muffins?
ross? are you alive?
rossoberman: you'll have to excuse me
i'm making soup and it's quite a process
can we begin please?
capolo: do you have any experience??
rossoberman: as a doo doo?
capolo: yeah!
rossoberman: in 1993 i was turned into a doo doo by chemist Dr. Mick Mandrich. single-handily won Paraguay the olympic games
capolo: can you explain that?
rossoberman: no
i'm not here to explain things
capolo: ross!
rossoberman: yes?
capolo: any other experience
rossoberman: my name is Ross Oberman you know
capolo: thought you had died, but I guess not
that isn't a real name
let smove on
rossoberman: you're right, it isn't
capolo: do you have any other experience sir?
rossoberman: 1998-2007 i worked at a mcdonalds restaurant
mcdonalds
capolo: how did that end?
rossoberman: and i was the greatest employee that ever lived. single-handedly won Germany the olympic games
capolo: hold on ross
rossoberman: was fired in 2007 for starting too many fry grease fires
capolo: how many olympic games have you won and with how many different countries?
rossoberman: and murdering a salamander
but that got thrown out of court
capolo: knew there was a murder in there
ok ross, lets move on
criminal history?
rossoberman: murdered a salamander in 2007 - acquitted on all charges
stole a house in 2009
still on the run from the authorities
capolo: stole a house?
rossoberman: sure did
and i'll steal your house!
capolo: ross, take it easy
rossoberman: that was uncalled for, i apologize
capolo: education?
rossoberman: i graduated from Yale in 1973 with a degree in shlumming
capolo: what does that mean
rossoberman: single-handily lost Mexico the olympic games
capolo: ROSS!
family history please
rossoberman: that's all i can say while the court case is still ongoing
capolo: family history!
yes
rossoberman: my father Zernick died in Viet Nam
not in the war, he visited Viet Nam in 2003 and got hit by a bus
and the bus wasn't moving, he just ran into it
that's just a good bowl of soup!
capolo: ok ross, im not sure that you are a fit for us
in fact, stay where you are please
rossoberman: ok, stay where i am and then what happens? a clown comes?
i don't understand
can we continue the interview please?
capolo: no, its over
rossoberman: oh ok great
i'll start last Wednesday if you need me to
capolo: you didnt get the job
rossoberman: that's too bad, because i DID get the job
you're right it doesn't
capolo: thats it ross - go away now
rossoberman: but to be completely honest, i haven't made any sense since 1997
capolo: what happened in 97?
rossoberman: that's when i took acid for the first time
things are different since then
capolo: alright ross, thats enough
rossoberman: alright
capolo: please find me someone else to speak with now
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