Rudolph Scalapini, Family Patriarch, Eaten

The most famous, and original, Scalapini family member - Rudolph - has been eaten, according to Herman the Cheetah, a local cheetah.

Scalapini (DEAD)

Rudolph Alexander George-Julio Franzberta Scalapini Jr. came to this country in 1903, attempting to flee the Petunia Wars in his home country of Japan. After arriving "at the docks," Scalapini wasted no time in forming the Scalapini Crime Syndicate (SCS), and went on to become the most notorious gangster in modern American history.

Scalapini was best recognized for his amazing ability to eat more than 7 pounds of linguini in a single sitting, and the murder and dismembering of Harry Ossining.

Services will be held at Feathers Auditorium, this Friday evening at 9 PST. Tuna fish required upon entry.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers