Red Shorts Start War Against Morris

A pair of red shorts (Melvin) abandoned by Lieutenant Derwood Morris have decided to wage war, according to Staff War Correspondent Melvin Manipples.

Melvin

Staff President Oscar Q. Rainbow immediately pledged his full financial and military support to the operation.

"Morris must be found, trialed, and murdered as quickly as possible." - Oscar Rainbow

Upon learning of the plight of the red shorts (Melvin), Rainbow also appointed Melvin as Staff Derwood Morris assassin.

Melvin can be found in the 4th floor east wing sitting right outside of the office of Ed Xomcheese (deceased).

- Staff Correspondent Doowoo Woodee

Rainbow's Back - Takes Over

Oscar Rainbow has finally made his return.

After years of speculation on his whereabouts, he simply drove up to HJ HQ yesterday evening in his new 2019 Toyota Corolla (Red). Upon his arrival, current (former) Staff President Yolanda Fimply was seen retreated into the woods with what looked like some "brown" marks on her undergarments.

Fimply (Missing)

In light of these events, Rainbow has proclaimed himself the 33rd Staff President in HJ history (his 14th term as President).

Rainbow (Staff President)

Not surprisingly, Rainbow was quick to name his new Vice President - Nolan Pelcher. 

"Pelcher's got what it takes." - Rainbow

Nolan Pelcher (Vice President)

The Rainbow/Pelcher administration's first move (after taking over the entire east wing of HQ), was to take care of new Staff Idiot Wozzlo. 

Wozzlo (Placed in Blender - DEAD)

Fortunately, Wozzlo was able to be turned into a delicious smoothie, which was shared by Dr. Rainbow and his new hit-man, Nolan Pelcher. 

Please accept the reign of Oscar Rainbow, as any detractors will be immediately killed and eaten. 

- Staff Correspondent Bill Ogg

Ed Fimply Killed

Ed Fimply, the first known photo-person (and also Staff Octopus) in HJ history, has been killed.

Fimply (DEAD)

While the cause of death has been listed as "pending" the results of an autopsy report, it is widely known that Ed Fimply was offed by the original "Bad-ass", Oscar Rainbow.

"Rainbow Lives" - Oscar Rainbow

- Staff Correspondent Marty Fugg

Derr Returns, Named Staff President

Considered missing and therefore deceased for just north of 93 years, longtime Staff Idiot Footo Derr returned to HQ today.

Not surprisingly, his first order of business was to assassinate current (now former) Staff President Oscar Rainbow. 

Rainbow will remain on Derr's staff as Staff Q-Tip. 

"We got a lotta dirty ears around these parts!" - Staff President Footo Derr

Derr (President)

Derr Bio

Name: Footo Derr III

DOB: 1/1/1

Age: Unknown

Feet: One

Noses: Unknown

Partner: Crotcho Derr (Married 2004)

Children: 3; Asso, Butto, and Ballo

Likes: Tuna Fish on Rye, The Portland Trailblazers, Donkeys

Dislikes: Mules, Horses, The Cincinatti Bearcats, Ballo Derr

As President, Mr. Derr has closed off the entire 47th floor as "his office". 

"Anyone who attempts to enter the 47th floor will be killed on sight." - President Derr

Staff: please do not attempt to enter the 47th floor. 

Celebratory lime tosses can be thrown at Staff Peanut Winston Fu tonight outside HQ starting at 7 pm. Be sure to bring the kids along: 3 free tosses per child! (Adults: $14/toss)

UPDATE: Fu deceased after 4,957th lime pelting. Remains to remain on site. 

- Staff Correspondent Rocco Frompley

Rainbow announces first staff member

After the surprise announcement of his presidency, Oscarensa Ulysses Rainbow III (Minneapolis) has begun assembling his new staff.

Rainbow, seen here berating a copy of The Complete Encyclopedia of Stitchery

named Amber Stiggs, longtime gum (wrapper) runner, as a cabinet member. Stiggs, 44 years, 119 days, will live in cabinet 7.

"Cabinet 7? Thanks for the free raisins," said a shrugging Stiggs, alluding to the nearly two-dozen unopened boxes of raisins from last November's Benefit Concert to Raise Awareness of Raisins.

Rainbow also named former PCCO quarterback Dez Buckley as a walnut intern, some say to keep the longtime pecan from signing with Oakland.

Staff President Hu Killed

Staff President Wesley Hu Jr. has been found dead in his office on 21 Fonkle Street.

Hu (DEAD)

Suprisingly, when removing Mr. Hu's remains, detectives located Oscar Rainbow, who had apparently been living under Mr. Hu's bear rug for just north of 10 years.

Rainbow (LOCATED)

Upon being found, Mr. Rainbow declared himself new Staff President.

Rainbow (Staff President)

As he was the individual who located Hu's desecrated remains, naturally, Bo Hunes has been appointed Staff Police Officer by President Rainbow, effective last July.

Bo Hunes (Staff Police Officer)

Hunes Bio

DOB: N/A
Height: 4'1"
Weight: 33 lbs
Shirt: Unknown
Partner: Dottie Voo-Crugg
Fecal Status: On-deck
Other: Enjoys parading around small repica's of skyscrapers, once ate seventeen (17) water buffalo over the course of one (1) hour










"As one reign comes to an end, another begins-" stated Rainbow upon self-proclaiming the Presidency, "And with my reign, change shall finally arrive at The Jerk."

Please join us for cake and coffee in the 41st floor West Gymnasium at 8 pm.

- Staff Correspondent Wilmont Crugg

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers