Mildew Higgins, former wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, has passed away, according to a recliner with potato chip crumbs near the situation. Higgins arrived from planet Capolo in the spring of 1958 and immediately made changes, though no one on the Jerk staff has been able to identify what those changes were.
"It's possible we lost the changes in the great Change Disaster of 1983," said staff editor Ed Xomcheese, who is referring to the July day when dozens of nickels were lost at sea.
Higgins' family declined to have a funeral for the former neck hair model, instead choosing to grind up the deceased's body and use him as a garnish on a future casserole.
"It's what Mildew would've wanted," said Harold Leach.
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