[1st round analysis by Capolo (odd #s) and Oscar Rainbow (even #s)]
1) Portland Poopies - Gottfried Slime - P, Portland Yardwork and Garage Repair. Slime was rumored to be dropping out of a lottery selection due to a poor performance at the combine (forgot to wear clothing and "made" on one of the stopclock operators.) Extreme talent was too much to pass up, however, as the memory of the 15 MPH outside slurve (1997 - Uruguay Games) won out in the end.
2) Murfreesboro Bandits - Vince Shermania - SS, Munch Valley Team 4. Shermania, the younger brother of famous potato murderer Sherman Shermania, led the 2006 Cholly League in outfield fall downs with 17, and hit .110 for the Pickles (2007). Once ate a stapler to impress a woman.
3) Atlanta Astronauts (via Manalapan Mongos) - Danny Devito, Bench Player, Harvard. Devito, who gave up his career in Poo to focus on the Softball scene, skyrocketed up draft boards in recent weeks after he batted in his underwear for his local softball squad and successfully ran out a dribbler to the mound.
4) Vince Valley Cheetahs - Bonnie Bunning - OF, Capolo Henderson Community College. Bunning was best-known for having her leg eaten by a bear during a 1998 game. Led the 2005 Zevvits North League in acorns thrown at umpire (34).
5) New York Wombats - Steven Christensen - P, Goolie and Goolie University for the Pancake Loving American. Christensen still holds the Rextum, VA record for most consecutive hit batsmen (14). Also once ate and opposing shortstop.
6) Charlotte - Mik Rouso - 2B, Team 4. Once hit a ball seven feet.
7) Ottawa Ottawians - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa hedging on bet that Atlanta fails to sign Devito, looking for extreme value here at spot 7.
8) Gerk County Vipers - Pat Zin - OF, Team 4. Second player taken from the Panhandler's Row Team 4 from 2009. Zin led the '09 team in jogs back to the dugout and outfield cigarettes finished (44). Unknowingly wore his cup and jock strap outside of his pants during a game (May, 2007).
9) Conyers Owls - Kerk Ashermin - Utility, Team 4. Third player from the infamous league champion Team 4 infield to be taken, Ashermin was known for power to the pitcher and smoking cigarettes in between innings with his coolie.
10) Canton Lumberjacks - Mort Mejito - 3B, Sal's Hardware. Canton gambles with Mejito at No. 10 as most mock drafts showed the 48-year old dropping to the early part of the second round. Signability is an issue as Mejito said before the draft he "wouldn't sign for anything less than 11 envelopes."
11) Detroit Dingleberries - Sherman Irwin Shermania - 1B, Crugg School of Politics. Shermania, once widely considered a shoe-in for the first overall selection, dropped due to insanity concerns after he lit an opposing catcher on fire after striking out several weeks ago. While the catcher has since perished, Shermania was deemed too valuable to let fall any further.
12) Vancouver Pisos - Bog Piso - C, Feathers College. Vancouver takes one of its own as Bog comes north of the tomato to play for his grandfather's franchise. Piso was all-swamp in 2003 and 2005, leading Team Purple to a pair of league titles before starring at Feathers College under legendary coach, zebra. He once ate an entire box of tissues to win a bet.
13) Montreal Indians - Pedro Cerrano - OF, Christensen University. Cerrano, after a career in Major League Baseball flamed out, set himself on fire and ran over the border into Mexico. He has since been put out, and is looking to resurrect his career at age 66.
14) Bangor Muskrats - Inoki - P, Yomiuri Oxen. Inoki is the first Japanese-born player to be drafted into the Hey Jerk Softball League after a 34-year career in the Far East. In 1998 was elected to the Pigeon Sympathizer Hall of Fame. In 2008, led the Oxen with 47 singles.
15) Moscow - John Candy - CF, Deluise Culinary School. Candy, deceased for some 10 odd years, decides to throw his name in the draft to see if he "still has it." Moscow takes the bait, hopes Candy can perform adequately in a deep center field at Communism Field.
16) ** Pick vacated by Harrisburg Tigers after HJSL officials discovered in the Harrisburg clubhouse rampant use of performance-enhancing penguins **
17) Ottawa Ottawians (via Cleveland) - Danny Devito - Bench Player, Harvard. Ottawa gives up 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th round picks to Cleveland to move up to 17 and select Danny Devito, afraid negotiations after pick 7 will go awry.
18) Walrus (via Washington) - Exasperation Thomas, 1B, Hoilioke. Thomas led her 2005, 2006 and 2008 teams in infield fall downs (average of 36/year), and once chewed on a teammate's ear for a Finn County-record eight minutes.
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