Hey Jerk Baseball Series: 2004 Red Sox vs. Hey Jerk Bison

Have you always wondered what would happen if the 2004 Boston Red Sox took on the 2011 Hey Jerk Bison in a best of 7 series? Well wonder no more, because the Jerk is bringing you exclusive game by game coverage of the mythical series, with an outcome that should surprise no one.

Game 1 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio

Boston starts Curt "I painted my sock red for dramatic effect" Schilling, hoping to get the series kicked off on the right foot. The Bison counter with Kurt Ashirmin, all-world knuckleballer and eggplant aficianado. After one inning of play, the score remains tied at 0. However, in the second inning, Hey Jerk trots out slugger Harry Breswold with the bases loaded (Ruso, Christensen, Zin) and belts one to northern Missouri, giving the Bison an early 4-0. Schilling, distressed, removes his left shoe and runs to left field screaming, leading to a disqualification.

Hey Jerk 4, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 1 game to 0

Game 2 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio

In an effort to confuse the Red Sox, the Bison once again start Kurt Ashirmin, to the surprise of a capacity crowed of 12. Confused, Pedro Martinez throws heater after heater right down the coolie, which leads to an early 47-0 Hey Jerk lead in the top of the first. With 1 out and the bases juiced, Mirk Reeso comes to the plate and sends a ball via coolie to southern Australia. The Red Sox remove their pants and run off the field, ending the game with 1/3 inning played.

Hey Jerk 51, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 2 games to 0

Game 3 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS

Boston comes home down 2-0 but feels good about their chances with Josh "fat face" Beckett on the hill. The Bison counter with Stevey Christensen, the wild and unneffective chubby starter from Scranton, PA. Beckett works a perfect first inning, and the Red Sox lay 14 on Christensen in the first, leading manager Gub Faalib to head to the bullpen and his trusted lefty, B.J. Kuvacheck. The score remains 14-0 until the top of the ninth, when Ashirmin, Reeso and Co. begin to pour it on, hitting Beckett with a line drive and assassinating him. Boston, in shock, turns the ball over to David Ortiz, who walks in 17 runs consecutively. The Bison bring in closer Skip Musso, who strikes out the side in the ninth and ends it with his patented Gorilla Dance ©.

Hey Jerk 17, Red Sox 14 - Hey Jerk up 3 games to 0

Game 4 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS

With their season on the line, Boston makes a bold decision and changes their team name to the Gary Sox. They come out on fired with Timmy Wakefield, 83 at the time, on the mound. The Bison have other ideas, however, as Morris Ashirman leads off with a homer over that stupid, ugly wall in left field. That would be all Kurt Ashirmin, on the hill for a third time this series, would need. Ashirmin goes 27 up, 27 down for the perfect game and celebrates on Fenway by removing his underwear and urinating and defacating all over the mound.

Hey Jerk 1, Gary Sox 0 - Hey Jerk wins World Series 4 games to 0

So thats it folks, thats how it went down. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a liar, and idiot, or didnt read their history books. Ashirman goes down as the only player in MLB history to pitch a perfect game in the World Series and then relieve himself on the mound.

- Staff Onion Henry Forbush

Hey Jerk Hockey Series: 1994 New York Rangers v. Hey Jerk

Its the "matchup of the millenium," according to Gary GaHorry, commissioner of the Hey Jerk Athletic Foundation.

"Two elite squads that everyone has wanted to see go at it for years are finally getting the chance. Winner takes the universe."

The Teams

1994 New York Rangers

D - Brian Leetch
D - Sergei Zubov
LW - Adam Graves
RW - Steve Larmer
C - Mark Messier
G - Mike Richter

Hey Jerk Owls

D - Morris Aschermann
D - Bob Feathers
LW - Almond Butterfield
RW - Capolo Henderson
C - Vacant
G - Yo Bah

The Games

Game 1 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls are not prepared for what is an extremely hostile New York environment, and come out nervous and flat. Brian Leetch skates through the entire Owl squad 15 times in the opening period, and no one on the ice for either team other than Leetch touches the puck until the 7:14 mark of period 2 when Yo Bah makes an accidental save when Leetch shoots the puck directly into his glove. Rangers take a 24-0 lead into the third and decide to pull Richter. Bob Feathers trys to take advantage of the empty net, but instead is murdered after a hip-check from Zubov puts him through the glass and a shard pierces his heart. Rangers cruise to 47-0 victory.

Game 2 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls show up with only 3 players and a goalie, with Feathers deceased and no one at center. Coach Oscar Rainbow attempts to revitalize his squad by showing up behind the bench naked, but seems to have the opposite effect as his players refuse to ever come back to the bench. Due to exhaustion, the Owls forfeit the game mid way through the second stanza, down 72-0.

Game 3 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
The Rangers arrive late, assuming the Owls would not show up. They are penalized 10 goals, and begin the second period down 10-0. Within 43 seconds, Messier and Graves score 11 to take an 11-10 lead. Richter decides to vacate the net and play the "offensive goaltender" position, scoring on 4 consecutive slapshots from mid ice. Coach Rainbow has seen enough and runs onto the ice tackling Richter with no pants on, screaming something about the economy. Rainbow is quickly removed by Steve Larmer and decapitated, having his head thrown into the crowd. The coachless Owls lose 114-10.

Game 4 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
Yo Bah, goalie for the Owls, decides to go to KFC, meaning the Owls start the game with three skaters and no goalie. The Rangers, looking for a challenge, grant a 50-0 lead to the Owls to start the game. Morris Aschermann takes offense to this slight and doodies on center ice, causing a 45 minute clean up delay. Almond Butterfield, after the delay, attempts to take the game into his own hands, but instead scores on his own goal and then removes his shorts and takes his own life with his stick. Aschermann and Henderson, the only remaining Owl skaters, decide enough is enough and join the Rangers for the remainder of the game. The Owls, with no skaters left, lose the game 412-50.

Sources: Gwinnett Press, 2011

Hey Jerk Basketball Series: 1980s Pistons vs. Hey Jerk

The match up everyone had been waiting for never materialized as the 1980s Detroit Pistons swept four games from the Hey Jerk Bobcats. The Hey Jerk team, hastily-thrown together during a hastily-thrown together public urinal protest, was disbanded afterwards.

The teams

Pistons
G Isiah Thomas
G Joe Dumars
F Dennis Rodman
F Rick Mahorn
C Bill Laimbeer

Bobcats
G Capolo Henderson
G Dominic Balboni
F Larry Dulfman
F Oscar Rainbow
C Silly Shoes Pock

The games

Game 1 at Palace of Auburn Hills
Detroit takes an early 57-0 lead on the strengths of Dumars and sixth man Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson, who combine to hit 14-of-17 from behind the arc, thanks to Balboni not having arms and Henderson being a horrible defender. Hey Jerk nearly scores late in the third when Henderson tries his patented nose-pick-fade away, but Rodman blocks the shot. A traveling Bobcats fan afterwards:

Final: Detroit, 211-0.

Game 2 at Palace
Early in the first quarter, Rodman and Rainbow each remove their pants and run screaming in opposite directions into the Detroit night, leaving both teams with a hole at power forward. It doesn't affect the Pistons as they bring in John "Spider" Salley, but the Bobcats only bench player is Len Fleetwood, who died in the 70s. Detroit takes advantage, turning an early 41-0 lead into a 165-0 cushion at halftime. In the locker room, Hey Jerk coach Cal Naughton Jr. takes his own life. Final: Detroit, 245-0.

Game 3 at Hey Jerk Arena & Cafeteria
The host Bobcats look to take an early lead in a must-win game, but instead go down 33-0 as Thomas and Dumars combine for 11 consecutive three-pointers in a dominant opening quarter. Mid-way through the second, Dulfman tries to attack the basket, but his shot is blocked by Laimbeer, and Laimbeer then swallows Dulfman whole in what is being described as "The Time Bill Laimbeer Ate Larry Dulfman Whole" (Detroit News, May, 2011). It's the fourth time in the last year Dulfman has been eaten by an NBA center, a new Gafreda County record. Rodman, in his return from an under-bridge seminar he gave on the proper way to cook a human ear, pulls down a playoff-record 53 rebounds, mostly over Rainbow, who before the game declared himself a raccoon named Lance. Like in game one, Hey Jerk nearly scores in the second half when Henderson and Balboni execute a nice give-and-go, though referees declare they had been out-of-bounds nearly four minutes before the pass took place. Final: Detroit, 318-0.

Game 4 at Hey Jerk
Facing the prospect of a sweep, the Bobcats go out in disgrace as several incidents cast a cloud over the final game of this much-anticipated series. Early on, Henderson and Thomas are involved in a fracis near mid-court with Henderson losing most of his limbs. Pock is eaten by Mahorn near the Pistons bench, leaving the Bobcats with two players with all their limbs. Dumars makes 73 consecutive lay ups during a pivotal third quarter, and despite the Bobcats bringing in a shocking ringer-former Bullets center Gheorge Muresan, who scores 40 points in the third and fourth quarters, Detroit pulls away for the championship and the giant bag of possum tails. Final: Detroit 418-40.


Sources: Detroit News, May 2011; Basketball News, May, 2011