Hey Jerk Basketball Series: 1980s Pistons vs. Hey Jerk

The match up everyone had been waiting for never materialized as the 1980s Detroit Pistons swept four games from the Hey Jerk Bobcats. The Hey Jerk team, hastily-thrown together during a hastily-thrown together public urinal protest, was disbanded afterwards.

The teams

Pistons
G Isiah Thomas
G Joe Dumars
F Dennis Rodman
F Rick Mahorn
C Bill Laimbeer

Bobcats
G Capolo Henderson
G Dominic Balboni
F Larry Dulfman
F Oscar Rainbow
C Silly Shoes Pock

The games

Game 1 at Palace of Auburn Hills
Detroit takes an early 57-0 lead on the strengths of Dumars and sixth man Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson, who combine to hit 14-of-17 from behind the arc, thanks to Balboni not having arms and Henderson being a horrible defender. Hey Jerk nearly scores late in the third when Henderson tries his patented nose-pick-fade away, but Rodman blocks the shot. A traveling Bobcats fan afterwards:

Final: Detroit, 211-0.

Game 2 at Palace
Early in the first quarter, Rodman and Rainbow each remove their pants and run screaming in opposite directions into the Detroit night, leaving both teams with a hole at power forward. It doesn't affect the Pistons as they bring in John "Spider" Salley, but the Bobcats only bench player is Len Fleetwood, who died in the 70s. Detroit takes advantage, turning an early 41-0 lead into a 165-0 cushion at halftime. In the locker room, Hey Jerk coach Cal Naughton Jr. takes his own life. Final: Detroit, 245-0.

Game 3 at Hey Jerk Arena & Cafeteria
The host Bobcats look to take an early lead in a must-win game, but instead go down 33-0 as Thomas and Dumars combine for 11 consecutive three-pointers in a dominant opening quarter. Mid-way through the second, Dulfman tries to attack the basket, but his shot is blocked by Laimbeer, and Laimbeer then swallows Dulfman whole in what is being described as "The Time Bill Laimbeer Ate Larry Dulfman Whole" (Detroit News, May, 2011). It's the fourth time in the last year Dulfman has been eaten by an NBA center, a new Gafreda County record. Rodman, in his return from an under-bridge seminar he gave on the proper way to cook a human ear, pulls down a playoff-record 53 rebounds, mostly over Rainbow, who before the game declared himself a raccoon named Lance. Like in game one, Hey Jerk nearly scores in the second half when Henderson and Balboni execute a nice give-and-go, though referees declare they had been out-of-bounds nearly four minutes before the pass took place. Final: Detroit, 318-0.

Game 4 at Hey Jerk
Facing the prospect of a sweep, the Bobcats go out in disgrace as several incidents cast a cloud over the final game of this much-anticipated series. Early on, Henderson and Thomas are involved in a fracis near mid-court with Henderson losing most of his limbs. Pock is eaten by Mahorn near the Pistons bench, leaving the Bobcats with two players with all their limbs. Dumars makes 73 consecutive lay ups during a pivotal third quarter, and despite the Bobcats bringing in a shocking ringer-former Bullets center Gheorge Muresan, who scores 40 points in the third and fourth quarters, Detroit pulls away for the championship and the giant bag of possum tails. Final: Detroit 418-40.


Sources: Detroit News, May 2011; Basketball News, May, 2011